Wonkette

RON PAUL MUST HELP BLACK VAMPIRE TAX HERO! The Feds threw the book at American cinema/tax hero Wesley Snipes! Three Years for just evading income taxes and escaping to Africa. FREE WESLEY SNIPES! [New York Times]

Movie hero Wesley Snipes is beloved by Americans for killing vampires and helping Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis colonize space planets for the American Dream, but now the Evil American Government is trying to destroy him for protecting your tax rights! The celebrity star is in Florida today so a federal court can sentence him for tax evasion. The feds want to put him in jail for three years! But Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson have arrived in Florida and they are going to bust him out of the joint, hooray! UPDATE: Nooooooo! Three Years! [CNN/Ocala.com]

Beloved pretend congresslady Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs lost her hundredth straight election the other day — losing a GOP primary runoff to some nobody — and now her dreams and even this sign are in the garbage, forever, along with an empty bottle of $2.99 “Barefoot Chardonnay” and some type of (Nazi?) lager bottle and enough coat hangers for a hundred Texas abortions. Farewell, sweet rodeo princess of our heart! Photo courtesy of Wonkette Operative “John.”

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »

Funnyman “Sinbad” was once simply known as “America’s Entertainer,” but after his heroic unmasking of the monster Hillary Clinton’s “foreign policy experience” claims about dodging sniper fire in Bosnia, historians may well have another title for the beloved comic: The Funnyman Who Saved America.

It was a story seared into the memories of all Americans: Hillary Clinton, Sheryl Crow, Chelsea Clinton and Sinbad went to Bosnia to bring peace this one time, probably during the 1990s. But only Sinbad had the courage to tell the real story: That these women really went to Bosnia to hatch a terrible lie that could’ve very well put the senile lunatic John McCain in the White House, which would’ve led to Total Nuclear Devastation. MORE »

George W. Bush Presidential Jacket Library [FunnyOrDie]

American hero and U.S. American Senator Larry Craig has a new ally in his brave battle to un-resign from the Senate and un-plead guilty to trying to get some dick in a public restroom. The American Land Rights Association has announced its support of Craig — one of the bravest, straightest men fighting for property rights in the Western United States — by calling for a boycott of Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport. MORE »