Tag Archives: Herman Cain

  the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit

Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire

Happy sixth birthday to the Tea Party! Okay we’re a little late here, as the big day was in the middle of last week. We have just been so busy writing about all the insane horseshit you teabaggers have unleashed on our politics that we forgot to stop for a minute and appreciate the six years of joy you have brought us, with your whining and hollering and dressing up in leftover costumes from our first-grade play about the Founding Fathers. Read more on Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire…
  build the dang fence around congress

Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans

He's in charge here
Some days we almost feel sorry for John Boehner, what with having to herd the feral cat farm that is the House Republican caucus while simultaneously convincing the Beltway’s Very Serious People that he, too, is a Very Serious Person who wants to Get Things Done and Has Ideas and Jobs, Jobs, Jobs. So when the feral cats are demanding that he Impeach!!!1! over the fake Benghazi scandal or the fake IRS scandal or Obamacare or not deporting all the Messicans or not having the proper amount of melanin for a POTUS, The Boehner has to find a way to mollify the raving, addled lunatics who would just as soon depose him and arrest the president for TREASON, without looking like a raving, addled lunatic himself, lest he lose the power and position he clearly holds so dear. Read more on Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans…
  this week in reefer madness

People Are Going Crazy On The Pot, Say Morons

Ah, the weekend. Time for yr Wonkette to get away from the computer and relax. Maybe drink some beers with friends or go hiking in the California sun or spark up a nice fat bowl of medicinal marijuana – we suffer from a chronic health condition our doctor has diagnosed as paralyzing existential anxiety with acute despair. Unfortunately our medicine has a particularly nasty side effect, according to an essay by Herman Cain’s web editor Dan Calabrese – it can also cause demonic infestation. We hope that’s nothing like the head lice we had once when we were a kid, because the medicinal shampoo we had to use for that sucked. Take it away, not-at-all crazy person. The use of mind-altering substance for “recreational” purposes puts a person at serious risk of demonic attack because what you’re doing is rejecting the natural chemicals God already put in your body as insufficient to satisfy you physically and emotionally. What a killjoy. Read more on People Are Going Crazy On The Pot, Say Morons…
  nein nein nein!

Herman Cain’s Website Still So Offended That A Lady Talked About Her Lady Parts That One Time

We have to admit we had completely forgotten about Herman Cain after his 2012 flameout, but it looks like he has a website where people who are not Herman Cain write things that are, we presume, thinks Herman Cain has thought of or agrees with. It is, as you would imagine, a really impressive level of discourse. Today, one of Cain’s minions is flapping his virtual gums about how two years ago a lady lawmaker referred to her lady parts in a discussion about what ladies should do with lady parts, and that is still a problem over in Cainville. A couple years ago, Michigan was doing that cool thing where they try to make it so ladies can never get abortions, and then-Representative Lisa Brown actually TALKED ABOUT HER VAGINA in discussing laws that would affect the use of her vagina. The nerve! Turns out that the Democratic candidate in the Michigan gubernatorial race, Mark Schauer, tapped Brown to be his running mate. Our feelings on this range from “cool” to “we do not live in Michigan” but looks like Herman Cain’s pals still bear the scars of having a woman talk about a part of her body. Read more on Herman Cain’s Website Still So Offended That A Lady Talked About Her Lady Parts That One Time…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  you want a present don't you?

Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK

Libertarian annoyance Neal Boortz, filling in as host of the Herman Cain radio show (which is an actual thing), added his fair-taxed two cents to the Great Santa Is White Stupid Foofaraw of 2013 Monday, explaining that 1) Santa is, yes, a white Caucasian European-American honky, and 2) Because shut up, he just is, all right? We’ve got another eight days of this crap, folks, and it is apparently here for the duration. But it’s at least a little different from the usual screaming idiocy of the War on Christmas, so there’s that. Read more on Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK…
  he rests his case!

Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is ‘The Devil’

Herman Cain has spent the past two years trying to clear his name of wrongful accusations that he groped that lady, and the other lady, and that third chick, and we think two other ones as well it is hard to keep straight! That is, he has been working to clear his name for the past two years except for the part where he has done anything to try to clear his name. This is because when one is accused of sexxxxytime shenanigans and quid pro ew behaviors, it is important to stand and fight them in a timely manner, unless you don’t really have anything to back you up. But Herman Cain does! He has “evidence”! And that “evidence” leads him to state unequivocally that he has found the real groper, and that groper is The Devil, squeezing and frottaging all up in those women’s brains until they all levitated from their beds and fingered Goody Cain (gross) for a witch! A sexxxxy witch! Let’s sexplore! Read more on Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is ‘The Devil’…
  you call that a grift?

Herman Cain’s Internet Home For Giving Herman Cain Money Is A Mere Shell Of Its Former Shell

Here’s something that’s high on the list of stuff we missed without realizing we missed it: Thinking about Herman Cain! Remember that guy? His Sim City tax “plan?” All the lady heads he (allegedly) forced into his crotch, like the Santa Claus of sexual grossness? Uzbekibekibekistanstan, which was not even that bad compared to the time when someone asked him about Libya and he was no shit like “Libya………….. oh……………………….. huh, Libya…….. is this real life?” What else? Probably a lot! And now this, from what’s fast becoming our favorite website, The Blaze: A fun little number about how Herman Cain’s website CainTV.com, which is not a TV show (but you know he was dreaming big), is basically not even there anymore. Like, it’s still there, but so is AltaVista. Read more on Herman Cain’s Internet Home For Giving Herman Cain Money Is A Mere Shell Of Its Former Shell…
  natters of substance

Herman Cain’s Website Knows Who Can Beat Hillary. It Is A Big Surprise! Named Sarah Palin! (Spoiler Alert)

Dan Calabrese, a blogger for Herman Cain’s website — Herman Cain does not “write” things, obviously — has a pretty trenchant political analysis today that explains that Hillary Clinton isn’t quite the experienced political badass that everyone thinks she is! Her resume only looks impressive, but it actually is not, because: a) she didn’t achieve anything of note in the positions she held; and b) she only got them in the first place for the purpose of positioning herself to run for president. Yep, being a U.S. Senator and Secretary of State are pretty much softball jobs, no heavy lifting. And anything she did do is tainted by a desire for higher office. Got it. Read more on Herman Cain’s Website Knows Who Can Beat Hillary. It Is A Big Surprise! Named Sarah Palin! (Spoiler Alert)…
  headhunters' korner

Who Should Fox News Hire Next?

First Fox News got rid of some of their underperforming pundits, like Dick Morris and Sarah Palin, and the Internet was Sad. Then they turned around and hired a bunch of new idiots, like Scott Brown and Herman Cain, and the Internet was happy again! (And if you can make “Ken Layne” happy, you can do it to anyone.) But ol’ Herb Cain kind of bores us — YEAH WE SAID IT — and Scott Brown is sort of a big old hairy nothingburger when he is not warning Elizabeth Warren to stop forcing him to shoot a load of racist all over her. So who, if Fox News really wants to keep that sweet, sweet libtard hate-clix-grift rolling in, should they hire next? Read more on Who Should Fox News Hire Next?…
  Happily No Small Animals Were Killed

Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts

Chronic zipper-fumbling opportunist Herman Cain, possibly smelling blood in the water, briefly resurfaced late last week to tell reporters covering his speech at the University of Florida that he would likely have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he’d been the Republican nominee. As our recent review of a book advocating Southern secession indicates, we are big fans of fantastically improbable alternate-reality stories, so, sure, Herman, go ahead and tell us all about it: “The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,” …said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning “9-9-9″ tax proposal apparently originated in the video game “Sim City 4.” Read more on Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts…
  twats

Bryan Fischer: Sikh-Temple Shooter Hated Herman Cain, Was A Liberal, Q.E.D.

Doodly doodly doo, twitter twitter twitter. Oh, what’s this? Bryan Fischer, of the wonderful and loving and Christian in totally the best sense of the religion American Family Association, do you have some Thoughts on the Sikh temple massacre, which you think would be important to share with the world? FANTASTIC. But hmmm, we are not sure that we follow the logic, as shown in your twit above. A neo-Nazi hated a Republican — who was black — and so must be a liberal? Might there be another reason for a neo-Nazi to hate a black man? Maybe because that is kind of their whole thing? Read more on Bryan Fischer: Sikh-Temple Shooter Hated Herman Cain, Was A Liberal, Q.E.D….
  aww shucky ducky

Lady Who Sexed Herman Cain For 13 Years Types About That

Back in two thousand diggity ‘leven, there was this fella Herman Cain who nearly got himself a presidential nomination. He didn’t care for that! All he wanted was a radio show, a teevee show, some more book deals — the whole package. Thankfully a bunch of gals came forward and gave him an out by saying they either (a) had sex with him for a decade-plus and/or (b) were constantly sexually harassed by him in the workplace. Now the “sex with him for a decade-plus” lady has come forward to write about this in the San Francisco newspaper Salon.com. Read more on Lady Who Sexed Herman Cain For 13 Years Types About That…
  see what they did there?

Herman Cain, Ken Blackwell Team Up For Most Ludicrous Video Ever

Herman Cain and Ken Blackwell, the former Ohio secretary of state who STOLE THE 2004 ELECTION WITH MACHINES, have teamed up to produce this video about the Right to Vote. They do so by criticizing the Justice Department’s attempts to ensure black people can vote in the face of new laws that are clearly trying to suppress black turnout. And how could DoJ also refuse to pursue the New Black Panther Party scandal? Herman Cain and Ken Blackwell would have pursued it, for civil rights. Read more on Herman Cain, Ken Blackwell Team Up For Most Ludicrous Video Ever…
  today in wingnut welfare

Herman Cain to Replace Other Annoying Guy on the Radio Forever

Great news: Herman Cain has been elected president! Is that the news? Of course not. But his presidential campaign has been 100% successful according to the metric by which he chose to run in the first place. He’s landed a big old wingnut radio show to debut in 2013, on the famous Day One of the Romney administration. He had a radio show before, but that was small market yokel fluff. This is a nationally syndicated show. He will replace Neal Boortz, the FairTax Hero who is retiring because he is one million years old. Read more on Herman Cain to Replace Other Annoying Guy on the Radio Forever…
  landmark achievements in film

Newt Gingrich Makes World’s Actual Most Pathetic Campaign Ad

Leading small-animal snuff film auteur Herman Cain has taken a brief respite from murdering rabbits to bring us this late-breaking newsflash that Newt Gingrich is now too awful to keep company with people who murder rabbits: “I even endorsed Newt Gingrich at one point because I thought that he had a shot. Well, not now. He doesn’t have a shot,” said Cain. What changed his mind? Well for one thing, Herman is now a serious filmmaker, and sweet loving Jesus has anyone seen Newt’s latest campaign video? The top photo is a salacious hint. Watch the dramedy unfold, after the jump! Read more on Newt Gingrich Makes World’s Actual Most Pathetic Campaign Ad…
  hard feelings

Former GOP Presidential Candidates Still Struggling Through Kubler-Ross Stages Of Grief

Man you guys, all the former GOP presidential candidates, like Herb Cain and Newt Gingrich and Ol’ Smegma Lips over there, are having such a hard time dealing with the cold FACT that they are losers, who lost, because people like them even less than they like Mitt Romney! Herb Cain is trying to keep himself relevant by throwing protests to which nobody comes (Bargaining); Rick Santorum still will not endorse that bastard Messican Lord Sir Hairgel His Willardness (Anger); and Newt Gingrich thinks he is still actually in the race (De Nile). We have forgotten about Steve Perry and Miranda Beckham, because who are they again? (Also, Ron Paul continues to not actually exist.) Read more on Former GOP Presidential Candidates Still Struggling Through Kubler-Ross Stages Of Grief…
  stop everything you are doing

Herman Cain’s Latest ‘Campaign’ Video: The Government Is An Evil Man-Eating Chicken

Herman Cain’s taking advantage of the post-Santorum era, yes he is, with a new video reminding us of a tax plan too incomprehensible to distract America from true tales of sex and cash. Due to Cain’s need to, maybe, provide himself and his family with food and shelter using super PAC funds, the video is rather LO-BUDGE. The evil-looking anemic child featured in the ad is only given four speaking lines, because we are forever in a deep recession, if King B. Obama has anything to say about it. Not all that different from a You Can’t Do That On Television skit, “Chicken,” as it is called, shows what happens when “the American taxpayer,” the farmer star of this video, keeps feeding supporting actor “Big Government” (normal-sized chicken) large portions of his paycheck (genetically modified Monsanto grain feed) forever. The chickens just get hungrier and hungrier, nothing is ever enough, and then they eat the American farmer fellow. And then at the end there is this video game hero-esque version of Herman Cain (above) standing atop a mountain, looking out over his fake kingdom. Read more on Herman Cain’s Latest ‘Campaign’ Video: The Government Is An Evil Man-Eating Chicken…
  mind the gap

Herman Cain: Ladies Be Stupid (VIDEO!)

Oh this is fun! For months the GOP has been sending special email lovenotes to Your Wonkette regarding how Romney is totally kicking Obama’s ass among Gyno-Americans, which is weird? Because Romney is actually down among women by 18, 19, or 437 percent, depending on who is doing the counting? (They have stopped sending those emails, because it was getting too pathetic even for them we guess.) But now noted ladykiller Herman Cain has Acknowledged the sad truth that the GOP is having a hard time because the womyn just will not shut their damn mouths even after the Republicans warned them! Anyway, here is how Ol’ Herb explains and dismisses the hilarious gender gap (hint: it is because women are stupid!): But if you look at [Obama’s] policies, which is what most people disagree with, it’s a different story. And I think many men are much more familiar with the failed policies than a lot of other people, as well as the general public. Read more on Herman Cain: Ladies Be Stupid (VIDEO!)…
  breaking the law breaking the law

Godfather Herman Cain Will Illegally Fire All You Union Thugs

Everyone’s favorite cooldaddy former GOP presidential candidate, serial quid pro quo lady harasser, and totally all-around-well-informed dude Herb Cain has a message for all you Union Thugz out there: You want a job don’t you? Well he will fire you if you join or organize a union! It seems like Ol’ Herb maybe does not know that firing employees for unionizing is against the law? (Still! But give the Supreme Court a little time. They have to outlaw Medicare first before they can get cracking on all of FDR’s other achievements.) Anyway, here is what Cain said, regarding the recall of Scott Walker, because he is an idiot (both he’s). Read more on Godfather Herman Cain Will Illegally Fire All You Union Thugs…
  they just don't understand art

YouTube Does Not Care for Herman Cain’s Bunny Snuff Film

Herman Cain is back again with a new video in which an adorable bunny symbolizing adorable small business is catapulted into the air and blasted to pieces by some NRA sociopath with a rifle, as part of Herman Cain’s ongoing series of snuff films starring small, defenseless animals (remember when the goldfish was tortured, how fun was that?) meant to encourage a thoughtful dialogue about the nation’s fiscal problems. But what’s this, YouTube seems to have taken it down? Read more on YouTube Does Not Care for Herman Cain’s Bunny Snuff Film…
  sure why not

Herman Cain Watches Girl Torture Goldfish From Mountaintop

Here is a little girl throwing water and mud on top of a goldfish she dumped on the ground. Did you know that it’s also a political ad from Herman Cain, decrying the Stimulus? Of course you did, what else would it be. Read more on Herman Cain Watches Girl Torture Goldfish From Mountaintop…