Tag Archives: Herman Cain

  dumb and dumberer

Let’s Point And Laugh At Dumb Jim Carrey Twitter-Ranting About Vaccines

California finally passed its vaccine bill, removing most religious and personal belief exemptions for vaccination in public schools (almost as if contagious diseases really don’t care if you don’t “believe” in them). Yay for California! But oh no, what is that sound off in the distance? It sounds like a slow leaking fart bursting through a pair of flannel stretch pants. In Canadian! Read more on Let’s Point And Laugh At Dumb Jim Carrey Twitter-Ranting About Vaccines…
  Maybe the GOP could get a second opinion?

RINO Ben Carson Nukes Own Chances At GOP Nomination, Declares Racism Not Over

You can trust him, he's a doctor
Uh oh. Is Dr. Ben Carson, beloved hero to right-wingers who love when a black man assures them it’s OK to hate President Barack Blackity-Black Obama, and Obamacare is the worst thing since slavery, about to be escorted from the party? In an op-ed in USA Today, Carson violates the first — and second and third and eleventeenth — rule of being a black conservative, by declaring that racism is not dead after all: Read more on RINO Ben Carson Nukes Own Chances At GOP Nomination, Declares Racism Not Over…
  The doctor will see you now

Mississippi Teabagger Doctor Will Write Rapey Sex Fiction From The Halls Of Congress

Obamacare may not be what the doctor ordered, but RAPE FICTION is!
Introduce yourself to Dr. Starner Jones, who would like to be the congressman from Mississippi’s 1st District, which covers a wide swath of the northern section of Mississippi, from the Memphis suburbs all the way east to Elvis Presley’s birthplace in Tupelo, which is also the home of the American Family Association. Dr. Jones, who has been endorsed by failed pizza teabagger Herman Cain, is one of them “common sense” teabagger conservative types who just wants a fair tax and hates the Mexicanos, stuff like that. And of course, he wants to repeal Obamacare because, as a medical doctor, according to a letter he wrote to Jackson’s Clarion-Ledger newspaper in 2009, he really doesn’t like the idea of healthcare for patients with “a shiny new gold tooth, multiple elaborate tattoos, a very expensive brand of tennis shoes and a new cellular telephone equipped with her favorite tune for a ring tone.” But that stuff’s boring, yo, let’s get to the SEXXX. Read more on Mississippi Teabagger Doctor Will Write Rapey Sex Fiction From The Halls Of Congress…
  the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit

Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire

Happy sixth birthday to the Tea Party! Okay we’re a little late here, as the big day was in the middle of last week. We have just been so busy writing about all the insane horseshit you teabaggers have unleashed on our politics that we forgot to stop for a minute and appreciate the six years of joy you have brought us, with your whining and hollering and dressing up in leftover costumes from our first-grade play about the Founding Fathers. Read more on Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire…
  build the dang fence around congress

Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans

He's in charge here
Some days we almost feel sorry for John Boehner, what with having to herd the feral cat farm that is the House Republican caucus while simultaneously convincing the Beltway’s Very Serious People that he, too, is a Very Serious Person who wants to Get Things Done and Has Ideas and Jobs, Jobs, Jobs. So when the feral cats are demanding that he Impeach!!!1! over the fake Benghazi scandal or the fake IRS scandal or Obamacare or not deporting all the Messicans or not having the proper amount of melanin for a POTUS, The Boehner has to find a way to mollify the raving, addled lunatics who would just as soon depose him and arrest the president for TREASON, without looking like a raving, addled lunatic himself, lest he lose the power and position he clearly holds so dear. Read more on Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans…
  this week in reefer madness

People Are Going Crazy On The Pot, Say Morons

Ah, the weekend. Time for yr Wonkette to get away from the computer and relax. Maybe drink some beers with friends or go hiking in the California sun or spark up a nice fat bowl of medicinal marijuana – we suffer from a chronic health condition our doctor has diagnosed as paralyzing existential anxiety with acute despair. Unfortunately our medicine has a particularly nasty side effect, according to an essay by Herman Cain’s web editor Dan Calabrese – it can also cause demonic infestation. We hope that’s nothing like the head lice we had once when we were a kid, because the medicinal shampoo we had to use for that sucked. Take it away, not-at-all crazy person. The use of mind-altering substance for “recreational” purposes puts a person at serious risk of demonic attack because what you’re doing is rejecting the natural chemicals God already put in your body as insufficient to satisfy you physically and emotionally. What a killjoy. Read more on People Are Going Crazy On The Pot, Say Morons…
  nein nein nein!

Herman Cain’s Website Still So Offended That A Lady Talked About Her Lady Parts That One Time

We have to admit we had completely forgotten about Herman Cain after his 2012 flameout, but it looks like he has a website where people who are not Herman Cain write things that are, we presume, thinks Herman Cain has thought of or agrees with. It is, as you would imagine, a really impressive level of discourse. Today, one of Cain’s minions is flapping his virtual gums about how two years ago a lady lawmaker referred to her lady parts in a discussion about what ladies should do with lady parts, and that is still a problem over in Cainville. A couple years ago, Michigan was doing that cool thing where they try to make it so ladies can never get abortions, and then-Representative Lisa Brown actually TALKED ABOUT HER VAGINA in discussing laws that would affect the use of her vagina. The nerve! Turns out that the Democratic candidate in the Michigan gubernatorial race, Mark Schauer, tapped Brown to be his running mate. Our feelings on this range from “cool” to “we do not live in Michigan” but looks like Herman Cain’s pals still bear the scars of having a woman talk about a part of her body. Read more on Herman Cain’s Website Still So Offended That A Lady Talked About Her Lady Parts That One Time…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  you want a present don't you?

Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK

Libertarian annoyance Neal Boortz, filling in as host of the Herman Cain radio show (which is an actual thing), added his fair-taxed two cents to the Great Santa Is White Stupid Foofaraw of 2013 Monday, explaining that 1) Santa is, yes, a white Caucasian European-American honky, and 2) Because shut up, he just is, all right? We’ve got another eight days of this crap, folks, and it is apparently here for the duration. But it’s at least a little different from the usual screaming idiocy of the War on Christmas, so there’s that. Read more on Radio Wingnut Neal Boortz Dreaming Of A White MLK…
  he rests his case!

Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is ‘The Devil’

Herman Cain has spent the past two years trying to clear his name of wrongful accusations that he groped that lady, and the other lady, and that third chick, and we think two other ones as well it is hard to keep straight! That is, he has been working to clear his name for the past two years except for the part where he has done anything to try to clear his name. This is because when one is accused of sexxxxytime shenanigans and quid pro ew behaviors, it is important to stand and fight them in a timely manner, unless you don’t really have anything to back you up. But Herman Cain does! He has “evidence”! And that “evidence” leads him to state unequivocally that he has found the real groper, and that groper is The Devil, squeezing and frottaging all up in those women’s brains until they all levitated from their beds and fingered Goody Cain (gross) for a witch! A sexxxxy witch! Let’s sexplore! Read more on Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is ‘The Devil’…
  you call that a grift?

Herman Cain’s Internet Home For Giving Herman Cain Money Is A Mere Shell Of Its Former Shell

Here’s something that’s high on the list of stuff we missed without realizing we missed it: Thinking about Herman Cain! Remember that guy? His Sim City tax “plan?” All the lady heads he (allegedly) forced into his crotch, like the Santa Claus of sexual grossness? Uzbekibekibekistanstan, which was not even that bad compared to the time when someone asked him about Libya and he was no shit like “Libya………….. oh……………………….. huh, Libya…….. is this real life?” What else? Probably a lot! And now this, from what’s fast becoming our favorite website, The Blaze: A fun little number about how Herman Cain’s website CainTV.com, which is not a TV show (but you know he was dreaming big), is basically not even there anymore. Like, it’s still there, but so is AltaVista. Read more on Herman Cain’s Internet Home For Giving Herman Cain Money Is A Mere Shell Of Its Former Shell…
  natters of substance

Herman Cain’s Website Knows Who Can Beat Hillary. It Is A Big Surprise! Named Sarah Palin! (Spoiler Alert)

Dan Calabrese, a blogger for Herman Cain’s website — Herman Cain does not “write” things, obviously — has a pretty trenchant political analysis today that explains that Hillary Clinton isn’t quite the experienced political badass that everyone thinks she is! Her resume only looks impressive, but it actually is not, because: a) she didn’t achieve anything of note in the positions she held; and b) she only got them in the first place for the purpose of positioning herself to run for president. Yep, being a U.S. Senator and Secretary of State are pretty much softball jobs, no heavy lifting. And anything she did do is tainted by a desire for higher office. Got it. Read more on Herman Cain’s Website Knows Who Can Beat Hillary. It Is A Big Surprise! Named Sarah Palin! (Spoiler Alert)…
  headhunters' korner

Who Should Fox News Hire Next?

First Fox News got rid of some of their underperforming pundits, like Dick Morris and Sarah Palin, and the Internet was Sad. Then they turned around and hired a bunch of new idiots, like Scott Brown and Herman Cain, and the Internet was happy again! (And if you can make “Ken Layne” happy, you can do it to anyone.) But ol’ Herb Cain kind of bores us — YEAH WE SAID IT — and Scott Brown is sort of a big old hairy nothingburger when he is not warning Elizabeth Warren to stop forcing him to shoot a load of racist all over her. So who, if Fox News really wants to keep that sweet, sweet libtard hate-clix-grift rolling in, should they hire next? Read more on Who Should Fox News Hire Next?…
  Happily No Small Animals Were Killed

Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts

Chronic zipper-fumbling opportunist Herman Cain, possibly smelling blood in the water, briefly resurfaced late last week to tell reporters covering his speech at the University of Florida that he would likely have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he’d been the Republican nominee. As our recent review of a book advocating Southern secession indicates, we are big fans of fantastically improbable alternate-reality stories, so, sure, Herman, go ahead and tell us all about it: “The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,” …said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning “9-9-9″ tax proposal apparently originated in the video game “Sim City 4.” Read more on Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts…
  twats

Bryan Fischer: Sikh-Temple Shooter Hated Herman Cain, Was A Liberal, Q.E.D.

Doodly doodly doo, twitter twitter twitter. Oh, what’s this? Bryan Fischer, of the wonderful and loving and Christian in totally the best sense of the religion American Family Association, do you have some Thoughts on the Sikh temple massacre, which you think would be important to share with the world? FANTASTIC. But hmmm, we are not sure that we follow the logic, as shown in your twit above. A neo-Nazi hated a Republican — who was black — and so must be a liberal? Might there be another reason for a neo-Nazi to hate a black man? Maybe because that is kind of their whole thing? Read more on Bryan Fischer: Sikh-Temple Shooter Hated Herman Cain, Was A Liberal, Q.E.D….
  aww shucky ducky

Lady Who Sexed Herman Cain For 13 Years Types About That

Back in two thousand diggity ‘leven, there was this fella Herman Cain who nearly got himself a presidential nomination. He didn’t care for that! All he wanted was a radio show, a teevee show, some more book deals — the whole package. Thankfully a bunch of gals came forward and gave him an out by saying they either (a) had sex with him for a decade-plus and/or (b) were constantly sexually harassed by him in the workplace. Now the “sex with him for a decade-plus” lady has come forward to write about this in the San Francisco newspaper Salon.com. Read more on Lady Who Sexed Herman Cain For 13 Years Types About That…