Tuesday, November 3: The Center for American Progress has somehow managed to hire God as a Senior Fellow. His All Holiness Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I, the patriarch of Orthodox Christianity, will be discussing the nature of progress, an ever-so-fascinating topic, tomorrow at Georgetown University. [Center for American Progress] MORE »

Monday, September 28: When you’re down, worried about socialism, and convinced that Obama is Hitler, Ronald Reagan will always be there. Today, the Heritage Foundation once again honors this man.  [Heritage Foundation] MORE »

Tuesday, September 15: Happy anniversary Lehman Brothers!  One year ago today you kids went under, screwing over pretty much all of America. Here’s to last year, a year of high unemployment, bailouts and the near total collapse of the American/global banking system! The Brookings Institute examines what happened last September, where we are today, and what we can do to prevent future crises Tuesday at 10AM. [Brookings Institute] MORE »

Thinking in the heat must be bad for you because every major think tank  seems to be MIA this week. Can you get Palinized for thinking? MORE »

Think tanks have this magical ability to fix all the evil in the world, just by thinking. This week they solve the Middle East crisis (ABOUT TIME) and explain how the financial crisis has affected everyone from children to small animals to the newest crop of starving, underpaid/unpaid interns in DC.  And the Heritage Foundation even manages to find the time to praise everyone’s favorite dead conservative, Ronald Reagan, again. MORE »

Now that George W. Bush’s war secretary, Robert Gates, is making cuts in missile defense spending, he is officially a San Francisco liberal who wants America to get bombed — nuclear bombed, like on 9/11. Do you want to get 9/11ed again? asks the Heritage Foundation’s new movie, 33 Minutes, where a bunch of old farts say that Iran and North Korea will nuke us with ICBMs in 33 minutes if we make these missile defense spending cuts. The music is scary, very scary, and somewhat Muslin-sounding in the beginning, as we look at New York City. 9/11. [Heritage Foundation via Spencer Ackerman]

Wonkette operatives say the construction around the Heritage Foundation’s headquarters on Massachusetts Ave. NE has taken an ominous turn, first with the sinister barbed-wire-topped walls and now with what appears to be an actual moat around the building. Considering the vast gulf between public sentiment and Heritage Foundation positions — this week, the arch-conservative think tank is boldly defending “Subprime Lending: A Valuable Innovation” — moats may still be an effective way for feudal lords to protect themselves from savage mobs of poor people.

As we’ve learned from countless softcore movies on Cinemax, housewives are invariably hot young things always ready to have sex with Think Tank geeks. Today’s totally Not Safe For Work ad on Craigslist is from an alleged 32-year-old housewife who wants to get nasty with “guys who work at the Heritage foundation or other conservative think tanks.” She(?) continues:

I know I will get some email of someone accusing this of being some scam but it really isnt, I just have a real fetish for intellectual conservatives. That said I’m looking to talk dirty online and if its good enough and we click maybe meet in person. Married move to the front of the line. Don’t bother if you dont meet my stipulations I will not answer you.

Sadly, she isn’t looking for a copy editor. MORE »

• CIA confirms it’s still the evilest motherfucker on the block by firing DC blogger “Econo-Girl” for a post stating, “torture is wrong.” [Econo-Girl]

• The Brookings Institute focuses the full intellect of their army of PhDs and comes up with “it sucks to be poor.” [NYT]
• Cynthia McKinney and Cindy Sheehan: who got served? [Sweetness & Light]
• Web-editors of Hezbollah’s official website live in fear that one day they will forget to put “Israel ” in quotation marks, and find an envelope on their desks with more than a pink slip in it. [ Alghaliboun.net]
• Annoying Emergency Broadcast System “beeeeep” to be replaced by whatever annoying ringtone you happen to be using. Which actually might not be a bad idea. [WFMU; The Local]
• Why does the government spend so much money? You gotta pander to win. [Heritage.org]

Here’s a shamless plug (the very best kind): I’ll be debating National Review’s Jonah Goldberg tonight at D.C.’s Heritage Foundation tonight, on the very, very, very pressing issue of whether libertarians and conservatives can, like Rodney King and the LAPD, get along in the post-Cold War era the World War 3 era. The boozing begins at 6:30PM, the debate at 7PM, and the Brokeback Mountain-style hijinks will be going on all day (this is the Heritage Foundation, after all). MORE »

Bored with work? Still despondent over our nation’s shaming by Ghana? Your choices for free entertainment today include: MORE »