Tag Archives: heritage foundation

  Education Nice Time!

Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace

Bluto studied Photoshop at Estes Kefauver Community College
Now here’s a nice thing if you’re into “education” and “free stuff,” which of course you are, because you’re an over-educated socialist liberal. President Obama is heading to Tennessee today to announce a program that would provide qualified students with two years of free community college, as well as other reforms aimed at making higher education more accessible. Tell us more, New York Times: Read more on Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Here’s How A White Supremacist Set The GOP’s Immigration Policy (Video)

Amused Maddow is best Maddow
Wednesday’s Rachel Maddow Show begins with another of those rambly goofy stories that make you wonder whether a News Point is on the way, and then gets to the point and you say “Aha!” We won’t even summarize the first five minutes, because you deserve the fun of watching them play out with the fewest possible spoilers (also, we’re not sure where we’d start). Eventually, though, we find out how a near fistfight on a ski lift between a veteran Republican operative and an ardent white supremacist is a really good metaphor for the current relationship between the mainstream GOP and its wackaloon wing. Read more on Morning Maddow: Here’s How A White Supremacist Set The GOP’s Immigration Policy (Video)…
  field trips

Republicans Celebrate Success Of Voter Suppression With Fancy Luncheon

One smug bastard
Photo by Beth Ethier Voter fraud is so hot right now. This year’s midterm elections are only a few weeks away, and courts are still ruling left and right on the identification requirements that states can impose on their voters as a remedy to the virtually non-existent threat of voter impersonation. Read more on Republicans Celebrate Success Of Voter Suppression With Fancy Luncheon…
  things that go bump in the night

Conservatives Cranking Terror Alert Level Up To OMG! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

Wonketteers, we do not wish to alarm you about the threat from ISIS, but you should be SHITTING YOUR PANTS IN TERROR BECAUSE THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY LOVED. Or at least that seems to be the conservative talking point for the week after the tragic beheading of photojournalist James Foley by militants in Syria. Which is not to play down the insanity of ISIS at all; it is a vicious bunch of assholes. (Even Peggy Noonan was appropriately clear-eyed about the group in today’s column – pants-shitting terror has a way of sobering up even the most wasted of drunks.) But still, some of this might be a bit excessive. Read more on Conservatives Cranking Terror Alert Level Up To OMG! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!…
 

Kissin’ Congressman Vance McAllister Gets Honest on His Way Out

You may remember Vance McAllister, the family-values Republican from Louisiana who made sexxxy kisses all over one of his staffer’s faces, and then fired that staffer because her sluttiness was contributing to a hostile work environment or whatever. Read more on Kissin’ Congressman Vance McAllister Gets Honest on His Way Out…
  what if?

What If The Heritage Foundation Were Adapted To A Sitcom Format?

Just imagine the pitch: “Mr. Moonves, think Golden Girls meets Crossfire,” says the excited producer. The Chairman frowns slightly. “BUT with mostly guys,” the producer continues. Moonves looks mollified. It’s a go. Of course viewed from the outside, the Right Wing™ already seems like an increasingly surreal network television experiment gone spectacularly off the rails, so why not push it where it obviously wants to go? Sarah Palin’s already got a couple of reality shows under her belt, and Tucker Carlson was on Dancing with the Stars, so let’s give Laura Ingraham a variety show! How about transforming Tea Party Nation into a medical procedural? It wouldn’t be too difficult to integrate the Republican primaries into the next season of Big Brother. Ooooh… how about a sitcom based on the Heritage Foundation? Yes. Let’s fantasize about that after the jump. Read more on What If The Heritage Foundation Were Adapted To A Sitcom Format?…
  the wtf between the states

Jim DeMint Explains How Big Government Never Freed Any Slaves

Heritage Foundation head Heritager Jim DeMint took a crack at revisionist history last week on a Christian radio program, and delivered the somewhat surprising verdict that the federal government didn’t play a role in freeing the slaves. Instead, what did it was both the Constitution and the “conscience of the American people,” which will certainly make for some disappointing costumes at Civil War reenactments. Read more on Jim DeMint Explains How Big Government Never Freed Any Slaves…
  catching up with the cooch

Ken Cuccinelli Tells Heritage Foundation Why Actual Winners Of Elections Should Defend Straight Marriage

As recently as last November, there was a chance that Ken “the Cooch” Cuccinelli might have been elected Governor of Virginia. He’d knocked good-kind-of-boring Republican Lieutenant Governor Bill Bolling out of the way by convincing the Virginia GOP to call off the primary and select its slate of candidates at a statewide wingnut convention instead. He’d been wooing the loony wing of the Republican base for years as state AG by indulging every right-wing conspiracy theory and knee-jerk judgment imaginable. He sued climate change scientists. He tried to force state universities to discriminate against LGBT people. In perhaps his most epic battle against the forces of evil, he went to the mat and fought hard for the state’s right to outlaw sodomy. He kept going at it even after the Supreme Court, and many less-supreme courts, were all oral and anal sex can’t really be outlawed, and why do you care so much, dude? But like Icarus, Ken flew too close to the something trying to be Governor and got his wings all sticky with airborne unregulated coal ash and woke up mid-January to find himself funemployed. So what is he up to now? Read more on Ken Cuccinelli Tells Heritage Foundation Why Actual Winners Of Elections Should Defend Straight Marriage…
  college: ur doin it rong

Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business

From excessive drinking to being high pretty much all the time to a wardrobe consisting of only pajamas, blogging college sure is a rockin good time. And, it helps you get a job that pays money, which enables you to buy progressively better whiskey, hoping for that one magical day when you can afford the stuff that does not come in a plastic bottle! It’s good to dream, kid. But wait! Maybe college ain’t so great after all, because did you know that some college graduates don’t make ALL THE MONIES and sometimes get laid off, and some even are forced to go on food stamps! Well, the good awful folks at the Heritage Foundation are right here to bring you the SHOCKING statistics. It seems that 28 percent of food stamp households are headed by someone who went to college. TWENTY-EIGHT PERCENT, people! That’s, like, more than 1 in 4 people on food stamps (math, bitchez). Clearly, our colleges is not learning students good. Or maybe we should blame the students! Blaming the students would only work if we were really dickish, but we are talking about the Heritage Foundation.  Read more on Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business…
  plumber cracks

Louie Gohmert Wants You To Only Put Your Penis In A Lady’s Down-There-Place

Congressional Legion of Doom members Louie Gohmert, Michele Bachmann, and Steve King appeared on a panel at the Heritage Foundation Wednesday and somehow, Gohmert managed to out-stupid both other members of the trio. Oh, sure, Bachmann warned that Barack Obama’s legacy would be “the establishment of lawlessness in the United States,” because gay marriage (apparently committed by bandits mostly), and King called for an investigation of why Obama’s uncle Onyango Obama was not deported for being an illegal immigrant, because “looks like if you’re an Obama friend, you’re exempt from the law” (nope). But Louie Gohmert out-idioted both with his opinion that judges who believe that gay Americans have a right to marry are fundamentally ignorant of biology, because of course the P-E-N-I-S goes in the lady’s down-there-place, not in the unmentionable hell orifice: Gohmert pointed out that some courts had found that there was no biological evidence that marriage should be limited to a man and a woman. “They need some basic plumbing lessons,” he said. “For one omnipotent, omniscious, ubiquitous federal judge who is wise beyond his education to say — to make such a declaration about the law, I think, requires revisiting by each state and compliance with the U.S. Supreme Court.” The American Society of Plumbing Engineers was unavailable for comment. Read more on Louie Gohmert Wants You To Only Put Your Penis In A Lady’s Down-There-Place…
  Boehner being Boehner because Boehner

John Boehner Hates Free Enterprise Private Insurance, Thinks It Is Mean

Oh, Speaker John Boehner, you historically lazy sack of unnaturally orange suck. Even though you are in charge of the House of Representatives (sort of; let’s face it, everyone knows the teabaggers rule your world), you still haven’t found the time to edumacate yourself on how that whole Obamacare thingy actually works: “When you look at Obamacare which is a government-centered health care delivery system, that’s not what the American people want,” he said. “The American people want to be able to pick their own type of health insurance. They want to be able to pick their own doctor. They want to be able to pick their own hospital. That’s what a patient-centered system looks like.” Funny, because when we went to the SocialistObamaHitlerCare.gov website, we saw many plans offered by Anthem, Kaiser and Blue Cross — but none offered by The Government. And a lot of those plans said you can go to any doctor you want, as long as said doctor is in that plan’s network, which is, hey!, exactly how insurance worked before Obama usurped the government. But maybe we were looking at the wrong thing and should have gone to the Republicans’ fake Obamacare site instead? Funnier still, because you also signed up to be a ‘bortion-lovin’ slut pill-poppin’ death-panelin’ socialist — after bemoaning the impossibility of signing up and also putting the person who was trying to help you on hold for 35 minutes because that’s the kind of dick you are — and, we are guessing, you also saw a number of plans offered by private insurance companies what are not actually The Government. Read more on John Boehner Hates Free Enterprise Private Insurance, Thinks It Is Mean…
  So funny we forgot to laugh

Heritage Foundation Releases Hi-larious Anti-Obama Thanksgiving Cards That Are Not Remotely Hi-larious

Fact: Conservatives are not very good at doing funny. Sure, they try. And fail. And if you don’t get the joke, you’re probably just some politically correct overly sensitive something-or-other. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because conservatives are not very good at doing the funny. Exhibit eleventeen trillion for your consideration: Heritage Foundation’s new line of Thanksgiving cards to send to “that really annoying liberal in your life.” Because Thanksgiving is all about being a dick to people, just like the pilgrims were dicks to … okay, never mind, that might actually be sort of correct. Read more on Heritage Foundation Releases Hi-larious Anti-Obama Thanksgiving Cards That Are Not Remotely Hi-larious…
  great moments in GOP outreach

Ted Cruz’s Teabag Oprah Fantasy: You Get A Jesse Helms, You Get A Jesse Helms, Everybody Gets A Jesse Helms!

If you are a major political party that needs to lash yourself to a lifeboat of minority voters before the demographic tides suck you down to the bottom of the ocean, maybe one easy step would be to stop celebrating the dead racists that led you for many decades. Or you could keep talking about the pile of awesomeness that was fetid swamp creature Jesse Helms, whatever. Yesterday sardine-faced suck bag Ted Cruz traveled o’er hill and dale to the Heritage Foundation to give a talk for the Jesse Helms Lecture Series, because what better name to attach to an event that calls to mind flights of rhetorical fancy and intellectualism than that of a shambling, bloated, flour-white sack of yard waste like the thankfully dead Senator from the insane state of North Carolina? Ostensibly the lecture series is on the subject of foreign policy, which was one of old Jesse’s lifelong interests, seeing as how he spent half his life as one of the Confederacy’s ambassadors to the United States. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Teabag Oprah Fantasy: You Get A Jesse Helms, You Get A Jesse Helms, Everybody Gets A Jesse Helms!…
  Real Americans just let you die

Heritage Foundation Czar Jim DeMint Says Majority Of Americans Are Socialist Un-Americans For Liking Socialist Un-American Healthcare

Have you heard the one about how health care reform is the worst thing that ever happened to America (besides the gays, the feminists, the black dude in the White House, and birth control, obviously), and it is socialism and just like Hitler and will ruin freedom for everyone? OF COURSE YOU HAVE because it’s pretty much all Republicans have been saying for the last several years, and Jesus Harold Christ on a cruise ship are we sick of that shit. But as we get ever closer to the opening of those sweet, sweet government health care exchanges (aka The Day That Is Going To Live In Infamy Like a Mofo), we can pretty much count on Republicans to try even more harder to convince us that we should REPEAL! and IMPEACH! and DEFUND! and REPEAL SOME MORE! and, failing all that, just be deeply ashamed of ourselves for being excited about slightly lower health insurance premiums, even if that IS a direct route to socialist armageddon. Read more on Heritage Foundation Czar Jim DeMint Says Majority Of Americans Are Socialist Un-Americans For Liking Socialist Un-American Healthcare…
  Yeah that might happen and pigs might fly out of our ... you know

Obama Just Might Defund Obamacare Like GOP Wants, Says Insane GOPer Jim DeMint

You know how Republicans are so super for sure that if they keep voting to repeal Obamacare, it will work one of these days? Not the first time, sure, or the second time, or the third or fourth or fortieth, but eventually. Eleventeen might be the lucky number. WE DON’T KNOW. Read more on Obama Just Might Defund Obamacare Like GOP Wants, Says Insane GOPer Jim DeMint…
  love for sale

Here Is Your Sponsored Content From The Heritage Foundation That Looks Like A Wonkette Post. Also Too Boobs.

Today, Buzzfeed won the Internet by letting the Heritage Foundation post a bunch of dumb fucking lie-gifs about Obamacare, which were total lies and not even true? That’s cool, Buzzfeed, we know you got that $100 billion investment to pay back, so whatever it takes, dudes. I mean, we hope they gave them money? It doesn’t say “sponsored content” on it, it just says “Buzzfeed Community”? We could probly text or tweet at them, but that sounds suspiciously like journalism work. But we were all HEY WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDLY FRIENDS AT YOUR WONKET WE LIKE MUNEEZ GIVE US THE MONEEZ FUCK WE EVEN HAVE NEWSMAX UP IN HERE. And Heritage Foundation was all like “cool yeah we will write you a gay Wonket thing filled with buttfucking and lies, here is a barrel full of cash.” And we were like “cool just make sure it sounds like it was wrote by a dumb fucking teenager, ask any Redditor, that is kind of our thing,” and they were like ON IT. Read more on Here Is Your Sponsored Content From The Heritage Foundation That Looks Like A Wonkette Post. Also Too Boobs….
  Fetal Attraction

Rick Santorum Thinks It Would Be Fun To Run A Movie Studio

As if losing elections for the U.S. Senate and the presidency weren’t enough, Rick Santorum now looks forward to driving a movie studio into bankruptcy! The frothy one has been named CEO of EchoLight Studios, a Christian movie company based in Dallas. Santorum was excited to get to work doing to movies what he’s done for politics: “This is the right place and right time, and I’ve jumped in with both feet,” the former Pennsylvania senator and 2012 presidential candidate said in a statement. “I often say that culture is upstream from politics, and I know entertainment also can be strength and light for people who want to be uplifted and reinforced in their values.” It seems like a match made in heaven (the Catholic one). After all, the movie industry is dying for lack of ideas and an anachronistic business model, so Rick Santorum should fit right in. The studio’s first movie, “The Redemption of Henry Myers,” is set to be released this fall; it’s described as “a Western about a bank robber choosing between revenge and Redemption.” We can’t wait to see the scene in which the bank robber gets $18,000 to lecture high school students that they need to beware of Muslims. Read more on Rick Santorum Thinks It Would Be Fun To Run A Movie Studio…
  wonksplainer

Heritage Foundation Will Sacrifice Its Own Son, Obamacare, To Appease Angry God

Did you know that Obamacare is the worst thing since the Holocaust and 9/11 made love and gave birth to the BENGHAZI and IRS scandal twins? But rather than keep their promise to replace Obamacare with some other mechanism for providing basic health care to people, the GOP is intent on utterly destroying all hopes of poors and middle class peoples having access to things like mammograms, heart medication, and the chance for a kid with asthma to see a doctor. Because hahaha, sick people are so funny to watch struggle and die from preventable causes. So what new ploy have conservatives come up with now? Rather than trying to actively find a solution to rising health care costs, conservatives are ACTIVELY TRYING TO INCREASE THE COST OF HEALTH CARE. You’re welcome, America. According to Bloomberg: Rather than focusing on repealing the law in Congress and the courts, two avenues that have failed so far, the groups are aiming to prevent the cornerstone of the legislation, the insurance exchanges, from succeeding. Their goal is to limit enrollments, drive up costs, and make it easier to roll back all or part of the law later. If you are thinking to yourself, “God, what kind of heartless, terrible people would try to make it harder for sick people to see the doctor?” you must be an awful librul with a bleeding heart. You don’t get it, do you? Allow us to wonksplain why Obamacare is the worstest, most awfullest thing that the Heritage Foundation helped create and must now destroy. Read more on Heritage Foundation Will Sacrifice Its Own Son, Obamacare, To Appease Angry God…
  Amercia Number 1

Heritage Action Encourages GOP to Stop Doing Their Jobs

Earlier this week, the Heritage Foundation’s political activist arm, Heritage Action, actually gave some sound advice to GOP congressional leadership: “Don’t legislate,” Heritage Action said. We paraphrase: “Just go on ahead and stir up stupid asinine scandals about nothing, you are way better at that stuff.” And for once, your Wonkette wants to go on record as agreeing with Heritage Action. This is because the GOP is not very good at legislating anything other than unconstitutional anti-abortion bills, which we do not like, and cutting taxes on rich people. It’s far better they while away the hours gossiping and pointing fingers at low-level, overworked, underpaid bureaucrats in Cincinnati rather than actually attempting to legislate. It’s just easier for everyone that way. And in case you suspect we are exaggerating, read an excerpt of this hilarious “please stop doing what you are paid to do for everyone’s benefit” letter after the jump. Read more on Heritage Action Encourages GOP to Stop Doing Their Jobs…
  first rule of racist club is don't talk about racist club

The Heritage Foundation And The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Super Racist Week

Ohey there Heritage Foundation! How’ve you been? How’s the wife? Kids still taking violin lessons? Good good. Anything new? Been in the news at all lately? Oh…sorry, yes you have, because you are busy defending yourselves from multiple completely well-founded charges that you are fucking racists? That is so sad sorry we are not sorry. Read more on The Heritage Foundation And The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Super Racist Week…
  america fuck yeah

Heritage Foundation: Immigration Reform Will Bankrupt Entire Solar System

Conservative masturbatorium the Heritage Foundation has a shouty new report with “estimates” and “projections” and “racist stereotypes” and linguistically satisfying turns of phrase such as “also probably” that prove immigration will maybe by their esimate cost a trajillion dollars. Let us give you an example of their math: If a train leaves Chicago at 5:15pm going 55 miles an hour and runs over six llamas by the time half of its passengers have gotten off in Omaha, the leaky faucet in our tub will waste the equivalent of lake Michigan at some point in the coming centuries, ergo STOP IMMIGRATION REFORM NOW. Read more on Heritage Foundation: Immigration Reform Will Bankrupt Entire Solar System…
  shoddy journalism

Friends of Wonkette: Help Us Decide Which Of Our Epic Blunders To Submit To The Breitbart Awards

Awards season is upon us! Yes, the Grammys and the Oscars already happened and the Emmys won’t be announced until September, but those don’t count because our probation officer won’t let us anywhere near those giant open bar events. No, instead we are waiting for the announcement of journalism’s most prestigious awards gala. The Pulitzers? Fuck that shit, they allow any dumb kid with a laptop to nominate themselves. No, we are saving our monies to lobby for recognition from the true embodiment of journalistic standards, the Breitbart Awards: The Heritage Foundation and Franklin Center for Government & Public Integrity ask for your assistance in paying tribute to the monumental achievements of Andrew Breitbart’s work, and the recognition of those who continue his legacy by carrying the torch for freedom and truth. Read more on Friends of Wonkette: Help Us Decide Which Of Our Epic Blunders To Submit To The Breitbart Awards…