Jenna Finds New Drinking Palace, In Baltimore!
Friday, June 27th, 2008
Newlywed first daughter “Jenna Bush Hager” of course has been dragged to Baltimore to live with her elitist husband, Henry. What kind of fun does Baltimore offer for the upper crust of society? A bar, a bar, a bar, thank god, a bar: “South Baltimore newbie Jenna Bush seems to have settled on a watering hole she likes: Regi’s American Bistro in Federal Hill. I hear she’s been in several times, including Wednesday, when she was spotted with six girlfriends. All looked very ‘Texas,’ says my spy. ‘Hair all polished up and little fancy outfits.’ A guy who answered the phone at the pub confirmed that Dubya’s daughter had been in before. Pressed for details, he would only say this much: ‘She was there. I just saw her.’” The food looks really good at Jenna’s bar! Too bad she’ll never try any of it. [Baltimore Sun via Inside Charm City]
Newlywed first daughter “Jenna Bush Hager” of course has been dragged to Baltimore to live with her elitist husband, Henry. What kind of fun does Baltimore offer for the upper crust of society? A bar, a bar, a bar, thank god, a bar: “South Baltimore newbie Jenna Bush seems to have settled on a watering hole she likes: Regi’s American Bistro in Federal Hill. I hear she’s been in several times, including Wednesday, when she was spotted with six girlfriends. All looked very ‘Texas,’ says my spy. ‘Hair all polished up and little fancy outfits.’ A guy who answered the phone at the pub confirmed that Dubya’s daughter had been in before. Pressed for details, he would only say this much: ‘She was there. I just saw her.’” The food looks really good at Jenna’s bar! Too bad she’ll never try any of it. [Baltimore Sun via Inside Charm City]
Finally, George and Laura have almost married off one of the First Twins! It only took eight years, but Jenna found a “taker” and she’s getting hitched tomorrow at her parents’ fake “ranch” in Crawford, which sounds only a little better than “Waco,” and it’s time to celebrate the occasion with a bunch of bullshit trivia, after the jump. 
COUNTDOWN TO NUPTIAL BLISS:“Could the last picture in Jenna’s unofficial wedding album be a study in normal American life? Maybe not. Her husband’s Baltimore job will be with an electric utility company that dumped 8bn pounds of polluted fly ash into the ground, contaminating drinking water for hundreds of nearby families.” [
It’s all happening! Jenna is really getting married to that one guy, Henry! They will live in Baltimore! But to really make “living in Baltimore” seem romantic, they will exchange vows at Jenna’s mom and dad’s retirement home in Waco, Texas. All the incredible details of the May 10 nuptials are suddenly coming to light. 
Bitter queens, perk up your ears: Jenna Bush will wear a dress designed by Oscar de la Renta to her wedding on May 10. Oscar de la Renta mostly designs dresses for middle-aged women like Jenna’s mom. Jenna will probably go 
Thousands of sad Texans will be sleeping in the streets of Waco in mid-May while fat cats carouse at the wedding of Jenna Bush and her first husband, wealthy former Rove staffer Henry Hager. Even though the wedding date hasn’t been officially confirmed (it’s May 10!), all the hotels are already full with reservations from media, paparazzi, and deposed Latin American dictators. Beleaguered attendees of the Texas Technology Students Association conference, unfortunately scheduled for the same weekend, will be left out in the cold. And that is just the start of the madness. 
According to 
“The nation’s first family tree is about to gain a new branch,” the Washington Post 
This week’s People has the (invented and sanitized) details of Mr. Henry Hager’s forced proposal to his bride-to-be Jenna Bush. It happened, supposedly, at Acadia National Park (as Laura revealed last month), on top of Cadillac Mountain. Hank, who had awoken his (probably hungover) ladyfriend before the sun even rose, “suggested stopping for an energy bar” (sick, just sick). And then, knowing that he had her drowsy and distracted from lack of sleep and high altitude, he popped the question as cursed dawn began to break. Jenna has been allowed to reveal some small part of her disgust with the whole affair: “‘I acted the complete opposite of how I thought I would: I was quiet. He said, ‘Are you exited?’ I was like, ‘I don’t know!’” She realized, of course, that she had little choice in the matter, and presumably acquiesced soon thereafter. We begin to sympathize with this poor little rich girl, who wanted nothing more than to live the happy life of drug-fueled privilege that so many of her contemporaries had, without the burden of eventually being enlisted in the Bush family’s ongoing effort to control the Earth. People gives more tragic details of her tragic young life: