Wonkette

Look everyone, 124-year-old c-list wire reporter Helen Thomas is back in the Front Row of the White House Briefing Room after months of health issues! “I realized really how dedicated I was to newspapers,” Thomas says, “which are dying.” Nah grandma that’s just hearsay; You’ve been watching too much CNBC! And then Thomas’ legendary arch nemesis, the ice queen press secretary Dana Perino, welcomes her back, and Thomas calls her a hot-to-trot warlord hussy. She also admits that she voted for Obama, which is not a very professional thing for a wire reporter to disclose [Commenters say she has a column now in the NYT under the pen name "Maureen Dowd"]. [Fishbowl DC]

Here’s a nice drawing by the White House “Dean of Correspondents,” Helen Thomas, that you can buy for three figures on eBay. Or you can, you know, do anything else. But all of the money will be donated to sick people with… neurofibromatosis! So just buy it, now. [eBay]

All George W. Bush wants to do these days is sing and dance. Hey, he’s a pretty okay guy after all! So what if he killed 600,000 people and blew up a third of the world and ruined the Global Economy and probably caused AIDS? He loves to entertain, and the Washington Press Corps loves when anybody famous pays attention to them! MORE »

Our Florida operative Lauren Selsky found White House correspondent Helen Thomas hanging out at Florida Atlantic University, which is Selsky’s own school! What are the chances? Thomas, currently 87 years old, was known as the “Original Wonkette” when she started covering the JFK White House nearly a half-century ago. So how much does Helen hate George W. Bush? MORE »

In this clip from Bush’s year-end press conference this morning, he gives his “advice” for the candidates running for president: BE STUBBORNZ LIKE MEEEE, effectively. Indeed, all this talk about convictions and “ignoring polls and focus groups”… sounds like someone’s not voting for Mitt Romney. Also: OMG, Helen Thomas!

This week, Chuck Norris, Jim Webb, Karl Rove, David Gregory, and Helen Thomas were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump.

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Paul Bremer and Dennis Kucinich are totally deluded, Patrick McHenry and George Will are likely quaaluded, David Wu and Bradley Whitford are enrapt, and Helen Thomas is trapped — going to the same restaurants she’s been going to since her 60’s, or the 60’s, whichever.

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* Heard on the Hill: Remember yesterday’s picture of Hoyer and Pelosi dancing in the dark? They were dancing to a Springsteen cover band, led by Dennis Moore, playing Buddy Holly’s “Oh Boy.” … Tiger Woods was here… Hill staffers not entering “Funniest Fed” contest, because they’re apparently more sensible than we thought. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Elizabeth Birch and Hilary Rosen broke up! Aww… Geraldine Ferraro very popular with the Women’s Caucus. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Mark Russell has canceled his annual St. Patrick’s Day party. We’ve written an amusing song about it, but there’s sadly not time to play it now… Tony Snow forced an audience of federal employees to do the wave… Stephen Breyer speaks French. There are absolutely no jokes that could possibly be made about that. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Helen Thomas might get her seat back! When the next President takes over. Except the President doesn’t actually assign those seats, so you know… Ellen Tauscher’s district has renamed the Easter Bunny the “Spring Bunny.” Anything goes in California. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Everyone’s corrupt and making YouTube videos about it… The “Secular Coalition for America” is “outing” an atheist member of congress, or something. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: LBJ: finally getting a building! [WP]
* Rush & Molloy: Peter King, who co-chaired McCain’s 2000 New York campaign, is now with Rudy. [NYDN]

* Heard on the Hill: Pelosi to do Leno… Politicians sending fund raiser invites disguised as Valentines… Phil Gingrey shaved his mustache because he’s going gray. []
* Reliable Source: Teri Hatcher and George H. W. Bush have developed a bizarre and unhealthy relationship. Baking cookies! Riding Segways! It’s all very sad. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Y&N call up a couple of Joe Biden’s imaginary friends in Long Island. They claim never to have heard of the man… Chris Heinz, John Kerry’s step-son, went to two strip clubs during his bachelor party last week… Mary Bono: Bad at predicting the Grammys. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Dana Rohrbacher blamed global warming on “dinosaur flatulence.” [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Might Helen Thomas have to sit in the back at White House briefings? … Jack Quinn and Ed Gillespie are partners, but not partner partners. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: David Sirota, denied a Capitol press pass, becomes a Bernie Sanders “intern.” [WP]

Travesties abound this week as Helen Thomas waits in the cold while waves of taxis pass her by, Clarence Thomas struggles to afford a $15 hamburger, and people still listen to anything Dick Gephardt has to say. All this sadness plus a sighting with a really fishy smell and a touch of Alanis-style irony, after you finish your Zoloft.

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* Helen Thomas (Watchdogs of Democracy?: The Waning Washington Press Corps and How It Has Failed the Public) and Maggie Kilgore (Remember to Laugh: Writing My Way Around the World) appear to be on a traveling book tour together. They’ll talk about their books at Busboys and Poets. Free from 6:30- 8PM. [Busboys and Poets]
* “Brain scientist Nancy Andreasen examines the sources of extraordinary creativity. She proposes that, because of enriched connections between certain areas of the brain, geniuses are able to tap into the unconscious mind in ways most of us can’t.” Clinton gave her a brain science medal in 2000. $25 at 6:30PM. [Smithsonian]
* LUCERO, Drag the River Trio and Rocky Votolato at the Ottobar in Baltimore. $12 at 10PM. [MissionTix]