Tag Archives: healthcare

  concern troll is concerned

Peggy Noonan Not Impressed With This Obamacare And Its Fancy Computer Machines

Peggy Noonan lounged in her sitting-room high above the island of Manhattan, morning highball glass parked at her elbow, as she pondered the government shutdown taking place far below her well-appointed aerie. How would it affect her? Would she be able to ride the Acela down to Washington this weekend to blather on the Sunday show with the tiny Greek man, as usual? Most importantly, what solution could she, Sister Margaret Ellen Noonan of the Order of Our Lady of the Laudanum Latte, offer to break through this impasse, on the chance that the uppity colored man currently occupying Ronald Reagan’s old house would listen to her? Dimly, as if they had been cawed from a great distance by a flock of sparrows circling over a meadow, two terms broke through the fog enveloping Peggy’s mind. The first was Obamacare. The second was concern-trolling. The good Sister picked up her quill, dipped it into the jar of amniotic fluid she kept on her desk, and began to scratch her column across the crackling parchment in front of her. Read more on Peggy Noonan Not Impressed With This Obamacare And Its Fancy Computer Machines…
  male-pattern dumbness

Fox: Why Are Women So Greedy, With Their Breast And Ovarian Cancer Costing Men All This Money?

Hey ladies! Have you met Fox medical expert Dr. David Samadi? He is here to sexplain to us all that Obamacare is VERY STUPID to mandate that women and men be charged the same for insurance, because of how the women have the breasts and the ovaries, and they are just bogarting all the medical care, and why should the douchey one, Brian Kilmeade, be forced to pay for Gretchen Carlson’s dumb old cooter just because she is addicted to going to the doctor and getting pap smears and not dying of ovarian cancer? Man, women love going to the doctor like they love buying SHOES, amirite? Gretchen Carlson, you are a greedy slut. Read more on Fox: Why Are Women So Greedy, With Their Breast And Ovarian Cancer Costing Men All This Money?…
  that's some brass

Dumb Texas Governor Rick Perry Hates Obamacare, Would Like Some Obamacare Please

Oh hell yes. Coyote-shootin’, painkiller-gobblin’, can’t remember three things in a row master debater with the super awesome hair Governor from Texas Rick Perry emerged from his closet today to beg for Obamacare money because of how much he hates Obamacare money. But, hey man, a hundred million dollars is a hundred million dollars and Rick wants it for his state and we are sure someone he knows is probably going to profit from it somehow. Perry health aides are negotiating with the Obama administration on the terms of an optional Obamacare program that would allow Texas to claim stepped-up Medicaid funding for the care of people with disabilities. Maybe some of these negotiations will include things like, we’d love to help your people, but how’s about you stop being such a dick about a program that you are trying to suck money out of, eh Governor? Or, hey Rick, you can have this money if we can literally shove some of it down your throat until you can’t say stupid shit about healthcare programs when your state has the highest percentage of uninsured people in the entire fucking country? Hahaha, just kidding, that will never happen. Read more on Dumb Texas Governor Rick Perry Hates Obamacare, Would Like Some Obamacare Please…
  slavery is freedom

Ted Cruz’s Dad Seems Nice

Hey, remember Ted Cruz’s Jerk Baby? She was fun! We dug her! Well, move over, Jerk Baby, you are now officially the Chillest Member of Ted Cruz’s Family Of Funtimes Friends. Here is Ted Cruz’s dad, via the Des Moines Register, blah blah blahing about Fidel Castro and stuff, and how Barack Obama is Castro times Stalin plus Dorothy Day probably. But then he gets unboring and starts a-whoopin’ and a-frothin’ like he is Rick Santorum’s dad instead of the Canadian Anchor Babby’s! Read more on Ted Cruz’s Dad Seems Nice…
  Curry-eating soccer-rioting nancies need health care too

Cato Institute ‘Thinker’ Would Like To Remind You That Royal Baby Was Born In Nightmarish Socialized Dystopic Hellscape

Oh what joy spread across the desiccated carcass of the once-great British Empire and her former colonies yesterday with the most anticipated birth since that geeky weirdo, whathisname, knocked up that hot girl on “Friends.” There were hosannas and fireworks and countless terrible jokes tweeted out and posted on countless Facebook feeds. Here at the Hall of Justice Wonkette World Headquarters there were blingees and much drinking, though to be fair that would have happened anyway, for Monday was a “day” on the “calendar” by which humans organize the “time-space continuum.” Of course some people have to be killjoys and use the birth of even the most adorable product of centuries of cousin-fucking and inbreeding to slag on Britain’s unaccountably popular godless socialized healthcare system. Read more on Cato Institute ‘Thinker’ Would Like To Remind You That Royal Baby Was Born In Nightmarish Socialized Dystopic Hellscape…
  michael j. fox will be first against the wall

Hero Senator Ted Cruz Will Death Panel Everyone With M.S.

Do you or a loved one suffer from Multiple Sclerosis? Well, please don’t tell US Senator from the Great State of Texas and total Anchor Babby Ted Cruz about it, because he will Death Panel you or them for fun and profit. A once uncontroversial and bipartisan resolution to honor Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Week has been MURDERED IN ITS CRIB by the good Senator Cruz. But why would he do this? Is Ted Cruz for Multiple Sclerosis? Is it because of that time Rush Limbaugh made fun of Michael J. Fox’s MS*, and as goes Limbaugh so goes a truckload of vomit in the shape of a man? According to Politico, “He was unhappy with a clause in the resolution describing the purpose of the Multiple Sclerosis Coalition, according to a Democratic staffer.” What the? A “clause in the resolution”? Is it abortion, or BENGHAZIIIIIII????? Let us see if we can parse this mystery, together! Read more on Hero Senator Ted Cruz Will Death Panel Everyone With M.S….
  mooches

We Are Sure Those Sick Children Did Not Need The Millions Of Dollars Governor Mitt Romney Stole From Their Budget

Here is what you have been missing if you haven’t been paying attention to the Romney/Ryan campaign for the past few weeks: 47% of the country are losers! No wait, maybe it’s 60%! Either way, we need to cut government aid to Poors so we can break the cycle of government dependency! Less Medicaid will mean more prosperity! Etc! It therefore came as a BIG FUCKING SURPRISE when we learned that Romney aggressively pursued federal government assistance when he was the governor of Massachusetts. It was not, however, a BIG FUCKING SURPRISE to learn that he balanced the budget by taking millions of dollars from something called the Catastrophic Illness in Children Relief Fund. Read more on We Are Sure Those Sick Children Did Not Need The Millions Of Dollars Governor Mitt Romney Stole From Their Budget…
  you have nothing to fear but dying in a hospital alone

Mitt Romney: None Of You Poors Die, I Think?

Mitt Romney, in his relentless effort to win over the liberal media by telling them strings of words that make it sound like he’s thinking, talked to the Columbus Dispatch yesterday about healthcare. Perhaps the most controversial part of Romney’s healthcare plan (haha, we kid, Romney has no plan) is getting rid of Obamacare’s preexisting guarantee coverage. How, then, will Romney deal with that? Romney, in a meeting with The Dispatch’s editorial board, said those who currently don’t carry insurance would have a chance to make a “choice” to be covered without fear of being denied. But he didn’t specify how long Americans would have to make that choice, or what would happen to those who chose not to be covered and later fell sick. This is a rather smart way of dealing with people who have preexisting conditions on a particular date, then laughing at everyone else who didn’t discover their liver cancer until after Mitt Romney said it was okay. But what about everyone else? What if I decide to metastasize my tumor later on? Never fear, there’s a plan there, too! Read more on Mitt Romney: None Of You Poors Die, I Think?…
  lucky duckies

Socialized ER Care Is Such A Sweet Deal, Unless You Have Ball Cancer

Isn’t it wonderful to live in the land of socialized health care, where You People can all go to the ER of our local hospitals and receive medical services that everyone else pays for? As Mitt pointed out, “If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance and take them to the hospital and give them care.” And indeed we do! But what if that same uninsured or underinsured Someone has, say, testicular cancer? Do we pick him up in an ambulance and take him to the hospital and give him care? No. We do not. We tell him that we won’t treat him, but that it’s “urgent” he get care. Read more on Socialized ER Care Is Such A Sweet Deal, Unless You Have Ball Cancer…
  like a policy porn star

Mitt Romney Takes Four Different Positions On Pre-Existing Conditions In Twelve Hours

Yesterday, David Gregory had an exclusive breaking up to the minute two-part interview with the Romneys on Meet the Press. The first part of the interview was spent awkwardly sitting super-close to the Romneys and asking them kind of silly questions as the bus bounced up and down and maybe David Gregory got a little bit carsick. 9 AM EST At one point, Gregory asked the Romney hive mind if it would keep any parts of Obamacare. Romney responded thusly: Romney told Gregory he “likes parts of” Obamacare, and that he would leave in place the prohibition against excluding people with pre-existing conditions and the policy that lets young adults stay on their parents’ insurance policies “up to whatever age they might like,” Romney said, rather unbelievably. “I say we’re going to replace Obamacare. And I’m replacing it with my own plan. And even in Massachusetts when I was governor, our plan there deals with pre-existing conditions and with young people.” This is really, really big news. Obamacare guarantees that you will not be discriminated against in terms of pricing or insurance issue if you have a preexisting condition, even if you were not covered while you had the preexisting condition. Because this is 2012 and we live in America, this is somehow still an issue that needs to be dealt with. Romney has never said this before, and so it is a massive shift in his stance on this issue. That means, of course, that it was actually a massive screw-up, and  it’s all the liberal media’s fault. Read more on Mitt Romney Takes Four Different Positions On Pre-Existing Conditions In Twelve Hours…
  some us americans don't have maps

Miss South Carolina Teen USA Now Running For Gabby Giffords’ Seat, Like Such As

Hey Jesse Kelly, Republican dude running for Gabby Giffords’ Arizon seat! What do you think about healthcare, is it a right or a privilege? My belief system is this. The health care for anybody but especially for our nation. The highest quality and lowest cost can only be delivered without the government. What I believe is that all things we drive, we do, health care, anything, is a privilege to some extent. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, those are inalienable rights endowed by your creator. If you’re claiming a right, if you’re going to say anything’s a right, if you’re going to say you have a right to a cell phone, then who has the responsibility to pay for it? That’s what I believe. Miss South Carolina Teen USA, what do you think? Read more on Miss South Carolina Teen USA Now Running For Gabby Giffords’ Seat, Like Such As…
  how to talk dirty and influence people

Mitt Romney: Legislation Is For Letting Me Hide My Tax Returns, Not For Giving You Health Care

Casually loathed industrialist Mitt Romney and his wife Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five middle-aged men, recently allowed the soothing but cunning Diane Sawyer unfettered access to the Romney home, raw and uncut, so that Mitt could remind the American public, again, of why they’re still not that into Mitt Romney. Okay, presumably that wasn’t really Mitt’s intention but that’s how this most recent charm offensive went down. For example, Mitt thought to win our favor by making believe that dinner table banter at the Romney household used to involve “humor of one kind or another, most of which can’t be repeated on the air.” And, indeed, how easy it is to picture Mitt and Ann, their cheeks bulging with Skoal, cracking open a couple more Miller Lites and chortling bodily as the young Tagg and Dack take turns imitating their favorite Lenny Bruce bits. That probably actually happened, in an undiscovered painting by Dalí that the artist thought a touch too surreal and tucked away at his summer place on Neptune. But the most sordid revelation (with some actual believability) was Mitt’s admission–revolutionary, for a Republican presidential candidate in 2012–that legislation passed by the Congress may actually reflect the will of the “American public,” so long as that legislation lets Romney keep his tax returns, dodgily, leagues from any hint of public scrutiny. Read more on Mitt Romney: Legislation Is For Letting Me Hide My Tax Returns, Not For Giving You Health Care…
  bigsadness

Breitbart’s Ghost: Obama Exploited Catholics By Being Endorsed By Them

It is War on Catholics Day here at your Wonkette HQ, because there is nothing Barack Obama won’t do to Ruin Easter. He hates Catholics so much that he worked for a super-anti-Catholic Catholic Cardinal, at whose Catholic-hating knee he learned to make war on Catholics in the first place. And now Ghost of Breitbart’s The Vetting Two: Moar Vettening reveals even more of his dastardly plan to make war on Catholics by working to enact the Catholics’ anti-Catholic plan for universal healthcare. (Oh yeah, even Pope Nazi, the least favorite pope of “liberal Catholics” as if there could ever even be such a thing, says nations must provide healthcare for their citizenry because it is a moral imperative and one of the “inalienable rights” of man, because he is anti-Catholic too.) Anyhoo, here is how the newest Vettening begins. (Please remove all children and pregnant ladies from the room. Viewer precaution is advised.) Read more on Breitbart’s Ghost: Obama Exploited Catholics By Being Endorsed By Them…
  live free and soon thereafter die

Bachmann: People Without Health Insurance Should Be Free To ‘Roll The Dice’ Of Life

Hi, here is one of the most relaxing days you’ve had in at least five days, and now Michele Bachmann is here to make it even better by telling you that if you don’t have health insurance, don’t worry, because health insurance is not “uniquely different,” and why does it think it’s so great? Bachmann, the something of Minnesota laws lightbulbs etc., went on Sean Hannity’s program on Thursday to say that it’s outrageous for Obama and the left to paint America’s 40 million uninsured people as victims who can’t afford to have their teeth cleaned or get diabetes medication. No, because really, they’re people who “choose” to “roll the dice,” but can’t go to Vegas at the moment for reasons that are none of your business and have nothing to do with money (that again!) Read more on Bachmann: People Without Health Insurance Should Be Free To ‘Roll The Dice’ Of Life…
  government out of our medicare also too

Human Monopoly Logo Mitt Romney Explainers Jay Leno: Uninsured Poors Should Die Already (VIDEO!)

Monocled toff Mitt Romney went on the Jay Leno Ha-Ha and Teevee Newz Hour to explain some cold hard FACTS to The Chin: You cannot wait until you are ill to buy insurance, gentles, even if there is no human way to afford it on your sad loser unemployment check! It just doesn’t work that way, good fellow! And if you work in a brake shop, and are uninsurable because you work in brake dust all day, the owners of the shop have already bought you insurance so just what is your problem, kind sir! (It is cute that Mitt Romney thinks that just because you work full-time, your job gives you “benefits.”) Oh, superrich “bubble.” How you delight us. Big cheers for “waivers for all 50 states from Obamacare” and big cheers for “covering pre-existing conditions through Obamacare” from Jay Leno’s feckless and easily led audience, plus Mitt Romney just cold bein’ a dick, after the jump. Read more on Human Monopoly Logo Mitt Romney Explainers Jay Leno: Uninsured Poors Should Die Already (VIDEO!)…
  fuck it we'll do it live!

Patient Lady Calmly Explains Constitution While Bill O’Reilly Yells (VIDEO)

Admit it, sometimes you have fantasies about going on The O’Reilly Factor and schooling Ol’ Falafel Breath. But then you realize that as soon as you started with your O’Reilly School, he would just cut your mic, so you change your mind and fantasize about a nice cup of soup instead. But this brave lady from the American Constitution Society managed to make it all the way through a segment even with O’Reilly telling her he didn’t have to let her speak; introduced Billo to a few new things called “facts”; and got him to deliver a rare promise: that he would apologize “for being an idiot” if she ended up being right about the Supreme Court finding Obamacare constitutional. More plus superfun video, after the jump! Read more on Patient Lady Calmly Explains Constitution While Bill O’Reilly Yells (VIDEO)…
  bad case of loving you

Lead Plaintiff In Suit To Overturn American Care Act Simply Does Not Care To Pay Her Medical Bills

Meet Mary Brown, 56, of (where else?) Florida. She is the lead plaintiff in the National Federation of Independent Business’s lawsuit to overturn Obamakkkare, which is expected to be heard later this month by the Nine Hepcats and Kittens of the Supreme Court, because she ain’t want insurance, Ain’t NOoBama1 tellin’ her what to do, Hitler, socialisms, and etc. But has Miz Brown perhaps brought complete and utter humiliation to the hacks of the NFIB, by having accidentally neglected to inform them she’d had a bankruptcy that was in part brought on by unpaid medical bills? And has she responded to the LA Times‘ inquiry into same with an elegant and spittle-flecked rage-on? Well duh. Read more on Lead Plaintiff In Suit To Overturn American Care Act Simply Does Not Care To Pay Her Medical Bills…
  nation of whiners

Rick Santorum Has Ideas About Making Healthcare Affordable

Hey all you whiny freeloading libruls, did you know that your health care costs are actually probably quite reasonable? This is our BREAKING NEWS brought to us by that yucky Rick Santorum, whose vast knowledge of Real America has led him to this incredible breakthrough: Cancer patients and other sick people, stop complaining about all your health care costs and just be happy you can pay someone to keep you alive, and also cancel your cell phones, because if you can afford a phone, you are not poor enough to complain about health care, the end. Read more on Rick Santorum Has Ideas About Making Healthcare Affordable…
  doucheupsmanship

Tim Pawlenty Screws His State For Sake of His 2012 Campaign

Tim Pawlenty is in his dying days as governor of Minnesota, so soon he will FINALLY join his fellow potential presidential candidates in not having real jobs. But for now, he’s just decided to fuck with his state in order to score a few points he can use in the 2012 primaries. He’s decided he must hate Obama’s health care reform in order to win various straw polls, and the only part of the health care plan he can opt his state out of is the part about the federal government giving money to states, so he’s done that one. Read more on Tim Pawlenty Screws His State For Sake of His 2012 Campaign…
  the new 4chan

Barry Obama Wants To Show You This Cool Website He Made

Oh hai, it’s your friendly neighbor the president, just sittin’ there at the ol’ MacBook. He just designed this fun new meme-generator. Oh, you want to see it? Sure, he can show you how it works. As an example, he will show you his fan-fic version of how our favorite characters Young Barack and Young Michelle would have gotten healthcare from this cool-beans website back in the day. Fun! Next up: how crayons are made. [White House] Read more on Barry Obama Wants To Show You This Cool Website He Made…
  america's greatest politics guy

Michael Steele Is Confused Again; Says ‘Poop’ In Unrelated Incident

Wacky RNC chairman Michael Steele, who is in very deep shit right now with the orange boner in charge of House Republicans, heard about all of those white coats from the American Medical Association — historically Republican allies against health care reform movements, until now, because things are just so terrible — showing up on Obama’s front lawn today, and proceeded to make his devastating move: “The AMA is–does not have the credibility on this health care issue, as they would like to project.” He will now write an op-ed for the Washington Post to introduce his latest alternative, which would order a government bureaucrat get between you and your lying so-called “doctor.” Michael Steele also said “poop” today, which was pretty cool. [The Hill] Read more on Michael Steele Is Confused Again; Says ‘Poop’ In Unrelated Incident…