Wonkette

Every white male in politics over the age of 50 has some awful illness, according to various rumors on the Internet. Joe Biden had two aneurysms operated on 20 years ago, so obviously he is due for another so that he can step down and Hillary Clinton can be Barack Obama’s vice president. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton’s thumb was shaking on various evening talk shows this week, so he’s about dead. Probably Parkinson’s. MORE »

Reprinted in full without comment. [AP]

Last week, John McCain released a medical dossier longer than Moby Dick that lingered in gruesome detail over his many benign polyps and lesions. This week, Barack Obama’s doctor revealed that in spite of a youth spent snorting powdery mounds of blow, the candidate is hale, hearty, and possessed of an enviably low triglyceride count. Find out more about Your Barry’s hot bod after the jump. MORE »

Everybody wants to know if John McCain is equipped to serve out a full term in office before expiring of the Old Age Vapours, so his team is assembling a squadron of doctors to vouch for his excellent physical health. This is a man who broke every bone in his body, including the little dealies in his inner ear, before having them each systematically removed and then re-inserted at a 45 degree angle in a sterile Vietnamese Torture Prison. He also had half his face cut off because of Face Cancer. MORE »

President Bush may be one of the healthiest presidents ever, what with his getting 12 hours of sleep a night, biking a hundred miles a day, and forcing his wife to pretend she doesn’t smoke like Bill Hicks, but some Australians are criticizing his diet. That’s right, Australians — the nation that eats only grilled koala and eucalyptus leaves and drinks beer for breakfast and lunch. Apparently, Bush isn’t getting enough of two of those important food groups. MORE »

The President’s medical history was released today — and he’s in considerably better shape than us. Proving that the wailing of the souls of dead Iraqi children is a sound easily blocked by the White House’s advanced spectral noise reduction technology, Bush is still clearly getting his customary 18 hours of sleep a night. Most of his health problems are pretty minor, besides his Napoleonic delusions of self-grandeur, but those sorts of things don’t really turn up in a physical. Let’s take a magical trip into the president’s health!

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That is the headline at foodconsumer.org (finally, a website for us!), who understand that you may be concerned about the president’s upcoming procedure. We’ve summarized their guidance, after the jump.

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Surgeon General. Seems like an awesome job, right? You get to be a “Vice Admiral” in something calld the “Public Health Service Commissioned Corps,” which means wearing an awesome uniform, you get to boss people around about smoking and shit, and we’re pretty sure you get to decide which little orphan boys on organ donor waiting lists live and which ones die. So leave it the the Bush administration to take that awesome job and turn it into a messy partisan freakshow. MORE »

From her campaign site: MORE »

• Homely, pub-crawling Britons are fixtures on the international conscience. Don’t take that away from us. [OxBlog]

• Our apologies, displaced and heartbroken Chagossian natives, but we chucked some tea in the water a few years back and now we’re callin’ the shots. [THE ASIA KOREA TIDE]
• It is a truth universally acknowledged that a bespectacled man in possession of a popular blog must join the cacophony of Malkin-bashers. [Talking Points Memo]
• Coupling is overrated. Chew on that thought today; digest it in thirty years. [the evangelical outpost]
• Sadly, impressionable school-age children and sprightly homeless men — ‘Rumors on the Internets’ target demographic — may not be able to enjoy the intelligent musings of the blogosphere. Lucky bastards. [Classical Values]
  

Hotline has an excerpt from Vanity Fair’s June Cheney piece, and it’s an interesting read for cardiologists: MORE »