• A 90 second video about the Democratic Congress and its illegal parliamentary trickeries. [RedState]
• Another one of those romantic candlelit riverboat cruises with K-Lo and Michael Mukasey. [The Corner]
• Matt Yglesias is quite enraptured by the cryptic lyrics of Miley Cyrus’ songwriter. [Matt Yglesias]
• The U.K. uses the price of processed fish to calculate inflation rates, because they don’t have to worry about Ron Paul or the Federal Reserve and can basically do whatever they want. [Hit & Run]
• Rep. Brian Higgins (D-NY) is having a super day because: 23 seasons of C-SPAN, now free and downloadable, woah! [Twitter]

In case you have not read about this on the very tense political Internet, the House vote on health care reform at the end of this week is going to be close as the dickens. No — even closer than the dickens. MORE »

• A reporter for hot gossip emporium Yeas & Nays was “publicly berated” for asking Sean Penn why he wished a bout of rectal cancer upon her posterior. [Washington Examiner]
• The ACLU is suing a Mississippi high school that canceled its prom as a precautionary measure intended to discourage lesbian girls from attending its prom. The high school will inevitably argue that this is a perfectly legal thing to do, according to the Patriot Act. [Think Progress]
• Did you know that a frightful voice recording occasionally reminds Metro passengers not to smoke, even though everybody already knows smoking on the Metro is against the rules? Did you also know that George Orwell warned of such things in his best-selling book Liberal Fascism? [Weekly Standard]
• The Democrats are a bunch of lousy, bloodsucking zombie autObamatons (and that is why Eric Massa resigned, he prefers sucking other things.) Zing! [RedState]
• Never-ending and probably pointless health care reform negotiations will force the Obama family to reschedule their Islamic pilgrimage-spring break in Guam. [Daily Intel]

Check out the trend, losers! The Blacks are slowly gaining on the Indians, and blood will run through the streets of Real America soon… SOON! But what could account for this sudden swing in favor of the health care reform plan, which, as Republicans had assured us, had been memorized, analyzed, cross-checked, and graded a Terrible Socialism Failure by 99% of American adults? MORE »

Did Barack Obama sext you today? Us too! If you deleted it already, this is what it says: Call the 202-559-4225 number and you will be connected to the Congressional Switchboard (Eric Massa masturbating) and tell them your district or where you live or whatever, and they will connect you, and you tell the staffer or intern that you support the Health Care and please just get this over with so we can think about something else, like a naked, farting Eric Massa sitting on your face, forever. (This is what fascism looks like, according to George “Andrew Sullivan” Orwell.)

RUSH LIMBAUGH TO FLEE CRUSHING BOOT OF OBAMAKKKARE: “I’ll just tell you this, if this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented — I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica.” AND EAT THEM ALL! (Don’t get too excited. By “all that stuff,” he was referring to America’s richest people no longer being able to get whatever medical treatment they want at any time. This stuff will never be implemented, unfortunately, because who wouldn’t want all rich people to die, painfully?) [Think Progress]

Hilarious gay socialist Eric Massa has finally told the true story behind his “inappropriate remarks to a staffer,” and you know, after reading his sincere account, we have to agree that nothing weird happened at all, just some totally normal red-blooded American Straight Man having fun at a wedding, drinking fifteen gin & tonics and — like any guy would do — saying he wanted to fuck a male staffer. MORE »

SARAH PALIN SHOULD PAY CANADA BACK, BECAUSE OF FREE MARKETS: Sarah Palin, talking to a bunch of Canadian fartsacks: “My first five years of life we spent in Skagway, Alaska, right there by Whitehorse. Believe it or not — this was in the ’60s — we used to hustle on over the border for health care that we would receive in Whitehorse. I remember my brother, he burned his ankle in some little kid accident thing and my parents had to put him on a train and rush him over to Whitehorse and I think, isn’t that kind of ironic now. Zooming over the border, getting health care from Canada.” EAT SHIT, COMMIES. [Washington Monthly]

Here is today’s hot naked story from quitting Rep. Eric Massa, who is clearly being forced out to get this health care bill through. He is a hippie who will not vote for it: “Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil’s spawn. He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive… I am showering, naked as a jaybird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me.” [Real Clear Politics, The Hill]

Welcome to the wonderful world of Cable News Maths, where an extra $191 magically disappears from your colonoscopy bill because … BUTTHOLES! Thanks to “Max” for the screencap. [CNN]

Michael Steele: They should have had a summit a year ago.

Chuck Todd: They did.

Michael Steele: Well it didn’t work, because we don’t have health care.

SMACKDOWN! [YouTube]

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OOOH looky it’s President Barack Obama, shaking hands and acting congenial at time of writing! How dare he politicize this important event by being polite. Anyway, watch the whole dealy if you want to. [Health Care Summit Live Feed]

So Bill Clinton went to the hospital yesterday to get a clogged artery fixed and Brian Kilmeade wanted to know if Obama and the Democrats would have let him die, under their proposed health care reforms. Coincidentally, Brian was sitting right next to the official worst doctor in world history when he wondered this aloud, and this official worst doctor in world history was happy to answer! Really! REALLY. MORE »