Tag Archives: health and human services

  Thanks Obama again and again and again

Oh Hey Look At All The Billions Of Dollars Hospitals Are Saving With Obamacare

I laugh at you idiots! So much!
It’s been a while since we reminded you that with Obamacare, everyone wins, right? Like that one lady who was all, “Oh no, I cannot afford my cancer treatment now because of how Obamacare makes it so much more expensive!” except that Obamacare was saving her money on her cancer treatment, and she did not even have to say THANKS OBAMA! And all those folks in Oklahoma who are saving sooooo many shiny nickels on their medicine now because, that’s right, Obamacare. And that one sheriff who hates Obamacare so much, he’d rather die than buy health insurance, but bleeding heart liberals are giving them their hard-earned monies to help him pay off his medical bills anyway, and that’s hard-earned monies they probably only have laying around because of how they’re not as dumb as their sheriff and have purchased better, cheaper health insurance, thanks to Obamacare. And then, of course, there’s the federal government, which is spending less on health care costs than previously predicted, which sounds like the kind of spending cuts fiscal conservatism some political party is generally in favor of, but we can’t remember who that is right now. Read more on Oh Hey Look At All The Billions Of Dollars Hospitals Are Saving With Obamacare…
  suffer the little children to get bent

Virginia Remembers Jesus’s Words, ‘Suffer The Little Children To Come Unto Me,’ Unless The Little Children Are Messican

Hey, y’all hear about this burgeoning crisis of little children sent by their anguished, desperate parents alone to America? If your sole source of news is this here Wonket, you didn’t, because “unaccompanied minors flooding into the nation by the thousands and then getting locked in tiny baby jails” is not easily festooned with dick jokes. Well, it’s been bubbling up for a while now, we can only assume because Big Chief Kenyan sent out a telepathic message calling all his fellow foreign brown people to flood the heartland. And flood it they have! Why, even the Real Murica that is Virginia is inundated with these small scary monsters, and the Good ChristiansTM there are none too pleased! Over 1,000 angry residents of the small, rural town here gathered at Brunswick High School on Thursday and reamed out local, state, and federal government officials for offering the St. Paul’s College building as temporary emergency shelter for 500 unaccompanied alien children (UAC’s) coming from Texas. St. Paul’s, a historically black college, shut down five years ago after losing its accreditation. “Right now we have a town — I can go home. I can get supper. At 9 o’clock at night I can come back to my office by myself go in there and do work, come out at 11:30 get in my car and never worry about being harmed. I can’t do that anymore if y’all come,” said Pam Thomas. “You can’t put them over there and it’s not a prison anymore. It’s a closed facility.” Oh shit. The babies gonna rape, murder, rape-murder, and rape-murder-throw-in-a-ditch this lady! Time to get a gun, lady. Brown babies coming atcha! Read more on Virginia Remembers Jesus’s Words, ‘Suffer The Little Children To Come Unto Me,’ Unless The Little Children Are Messican…
  hhs tells issa to suck it

No Fair — How Can Darrell Issa Leak Obamacare Website Security Info If HHS Won’t Trust Him?

When we first read this article about notorious cosmic dingleberry Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole), we seriously had a newsgasm. After cleaning up our computer screen, we have been laughing ever since, because… well, this is just so awesome, even though it is from Politico: The Health and Human Services Department told… Chairman Darrell Issa [R-CA] that it won’t turn over documents related to the security of the Healthcare.gov website because it can’t trust him to keep secret information that could give hackers a roadmap to wreak havoc on the system. Issa is apparently none too happy, last seen stomping his feet and whining and carrying on, showing his true colors as a shitty little titty-baby. Come, fellow wonkeroos of wonklandia, let’s awesomesplore an agency finally calling out Issa for being the despicable rat-fucking piece of human filth that he is.  Read more on No Fair — How Can Darrell Issa Leak Obamacare Website Security Info If HHS Won’t Trust Him?…
  enfranchise thyself

GOP Terrified That Obamacare Will Make It Easier For Poors To Vote

For some time there’s been a simmering freakout on the right about how the Affordable Care Act did sex with the National Voter Registration Act of 1993 and now everyone who visits an ObamaKare Throat-Booting Center will be force-fed a voter registration form while Kathleen Sebelius tattoos DEMORAT COMMIE 4 LYFE on their necks. Sounds great, right? Well cool your jets, because Mother Jones is reporting that the Department of Health and Human Services is suddenly getting coy about enforcing the “motor voter” requirements at federally-run exchanges: In August, Demos and Project Vote released a report stating that HHS was not planning to provide the voter registration services that the Motor Voter law requires. These services include training navigators, the people hired to help Americans sign up for coverage through the exchanges, to help applicants with voter registration. Demos noted in the report that HHS intended to merely provide a link in the insurance application to the federal voter registration mail-in form. As recently as August, your POTUS was all like, “Hell yes we are respecting this hustle,” so we are not sure what HHS is up to. Mother Jones speculates that it’s just 11-dimensional chess: Read more on GOP Terrified That Obamacare Will Make It Easier For Poors To Vote…
  appetizing young hate for sale

Marco Rubio Would Not Like To Try Your Sample Of Obamacare Thank You Very Much

Oh, conservatives. Your perpetual ragesad about Obamacare could power a small country. We lose track of what you are mad at today. What are you mad at today? Oh hey, Marco Rubio. Didn’t see you there. Were you off getting a drink of water? Anyway. What’s got your tear ducts flowing? Oh. You’re sad that the government is going to spend money to advertise a law that you don’t like because not fair? That seems totally reasonable. Read more on Marco Rubio Would Not Like To Try Your Sample Of Obamacare Thank You Very Much…
  rage against the maroon

Stupidest Man On The Internet Warns Obamacare Storm Troopers Will Come For Your Children

Never mind the Death Panels, did you know that Obamacare has a secret provision that will allow forced home inspections? Well of course it does! Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft warns: Here come the home raids… A new provision in Obamacare will allow government forces to carry out forced home inspections. Golly, that sounds serious! Hide your kids, hide your wife, the Obamacare Home Invasion Task Force is coming to force feed you some arugula! Read more on Stupidest Man On The Internet Warns Obamacare Storm Troopers Will Come For Your Children…
  nice time or whatever oh fuck it

BREAKING! David Vitter Does Thing That Is Kind Of Okay

In breaking news-that-shouldn’t-be-news, a Republican Senator has publicly stated that he will help constituents if they call asking for help about a federal program! Ticker-tape parade! Balloons! A spread of the finest Ritz crackers and Costco-brand cheeses in all the land! Who is this brave Republican who will seek to actually help the people who elected him? None other than our favorite baby-cosplay-with-prostitutes-having politician, David Vitter (R-Red Light)! Per Think Progress: QUESTION: Is your office going to help constituents who might simply want to buy insurance? VITTER: Well, we’re helping folks in any way we can trying to get them good information… We field calls every day in my offices in Louisiana trying to help people with individual questions and circumstances and I would encourage folks to call my office to get that guidance and help. We are not sure whether or not the Senator is aware that diapers are not covered by Obamacare, but don’t tell him or he might change his mind.  Read more on BREAKING! David Vitter Does Thing That Is Kind Of Okay…
  seduction of the ignorant

Wingnut Matt Barber Calmly Explains Why ‘Obama’s HHS’ Is Pretty Much A Pedophile

Oh my gosh, you guys, did you know that Barack Obama is “grooming” your innocent children to turn them into sex fiends? We’d have been unaware of this science fact were it not for totally credible (or is it “credulous”? We mix those up sometimes) wingnut freakout artist Matt Barber, the guy who angrily denounced the media for ignoring a photo of a “huge Romney rally” that was actually a huge Obama rally in 2008. He also predicted — accurately — that Obamacare would force everyone to get sex changes. In his latest opus for CNSnews, Barber makes the novel claim that all sex education is based on the research of “sexual psychopath” Alfred Kinsey, and therefore all sex ed is aimed at “grooming” children to become sex perverts. He bases this groundbreaking assertion upon the work of his “dear friend and colleague” at Liberty University, Judith Reisman, a culture warrior who has only been making those exact claims against Kinsey, sex ed, and teh ghey since the 1980s. More recently, in 2007, she explained that the Virginia Tech shooter’s brain was poisoned by “erototoxins” generated by his pornography addiction. So you know that this is Real Science! Read more on Wingnut Matt Barber Calmly Explains Why ‘Obama’s HHS’ Is Pretty Much A Pedophile…
  good christian doctors

American Birth Control Mandate To Lead To Communist Chinese One-Child Policy! Everybody Panic!

Hey ladies! How’s your womb? Is it fruitful? No? What about now? Is it fruitful yet? Well are you even TRYING? It is your job to fill your stomach with tiny babies, a Quiver full of babies even, and if you do not want, say, 19 babies, then you are a heathen Communist Chinee. That is just so obvious we should not even have to say it, but apparently you are a Dumb Girl. Luckily, the Christian Medical Association is here to explain that an insurance company offering you birth control even if your employer doesn’t want you to have birth control is not only abrogating your employer’s First Amendment right to determine your sex life (you are a factory worker in Macau, right?) but is also the first step on the road to China’s one-child policy and forced abortion. It is simply that simple. Read more on American Birth Control Mandate To Lead To Communist Chinese One-Child Policy! Everybody Panic!…
  gifzette daily briefing

Plan-B Access Denied by Incorrigible Twits, GOP Very Upset Obama Trying to Appoint Cabinet Secretary

For the first time in the 105-year history of the Food and Drug Administration an FDA directive has been publicly overruled by the department of Health and Human Services. About what? About teenagers doing it! That’s right, FDA commissioner Margaret Hamburg released a statement yesterday declaring that Plan-B, an emergency contraceptive long known to anyone paying attention to be even safer than aspirin, should be available over the counter to people of all ages (read: all people doing it with other people). HHS director Kathleen Sebelius, however, swiftly responded and publicly vetoed Hamburg, declaring that the drug could only be sold over the counter to sexually active girls age seventeen and older. And for those under the age of seventeen? Well, they’re just going to have to get a doctor’s note. Read more on Plan-B Access Denied by Incorrigible Twits, GOP Very Upset Obama Trying to Appoint Cabinet Secretary…
  why we must abolish the federal income tax

Newest Cabinet Nominee Also Has Tax Problems, Of Course

Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius made Barack Obama’s short list for vice presidential candidates when it was thought he needed some ladies up in there, ladies besides the future Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. And boom just like that, “Kathleen Sebelius” was a household name! And then she spoke at the Democratic National Convention and everyone said, What a pleasant person, thank goodness she is not running for Veep as she is rather a dull public speaker. Then Obama nominated her to be the new Tom Daschle after the old Tom Daschle was revealed to be a tax cheat, and guess what? Read more on Newest Cabinet Nominee Also Has Tax Problems, Of Course…
  further embarrassments

Tom Daschle Is Completely Doomed

Yikes! Barack Obama might still like this guy for Health and Human Services, but somebody is out to get poor Tom Daschle, an innocent and honorable man who accidentally underpaid his taxes by a hundred thousand dollars and change. Two Democratic turncoats have been whispering in the ears of Politico reporters, to whom we link because one of the reporters is our beloved Ben Smith, who is “friendly.” The point is, these Democratic sources totally ratted out Daschle, which means they are being disloyal to the president, which means they will be executed. Read more on Tom Daschle Is Completely Doomed…
  tax cheats

Tom Daschle Throws Accountant Under The Bus

Anybody who saw the Senate Minority Leader lose his seat in 2004 and then magically reappear in 2008 with a pair of snappy red glasses knows that Tom Daschle is a bit of a jackass. But little did we know he was a tax cheat who would blame his current woes on his accountant. Read more on Tom Daschle Throws Accountant Under The Bus…