May 23, 2013
We have important breaking news for you Wonketeers: the first concentric ring of hell exists, and it is Louisiana. Is this a surprise, really? No, probably not: as aforementioned, it is home to the highest infant mortality rate, the fifth-highest maternal mortality rate, the fourth-worst life expectancy rate, the fifth-highest violent crime rate, the second-highest [...]
Your Wonkette writer had the flu last week. Let us put it this way: if you’re in desperate need of using every blanket in your home, then sweating through your clothes for two straight days, then go lick doorknobs at your closest university. Everybody else, get a flu shot. Or wait, no, first listen to [...]
Remember that LA Times article from a couple months back where they revealed that the average American family pays about $20,000 for health care every year? And then ran the article with a picture of a Hyundai sedan, because they are charging $20,000 for a Hyundai sedan these days? Anyway, turns out that’s only true [...]
Problem: we are all fat, and even those of us who aren’t are being forced to pay for things to accommodate the new, larger comforts required of the overweight, such as bigger toilets in hospitals, and bigger seats in public transportation! Conveying our cars across space requires a billion more gallons of gasoline per year [...]
Republican Florida state Sen. Ronda Storms has seen enough of these poor assholes in her grocery line buying candy and salty potato chips and chemical cancer juices with their food stamps. They’re everywhere, these poor people! You may have seen one yourself, hmm? It’s time to kill them all. Or at least to stick it [...]
Barack Obama’s weak-sauce health care legislation does a couple of good things but completely evaded the whole issue he campaigned on, which is health care for all Americans. But even a couple of regulations — such as health care executives no longer being allowed to perform Satanic rituals on the fresh corpses of children denied [...]
Tim Pawlenty is in his dying days as governor of Minnesota, so soon he will FINALLY join his fellow potential presidential candidates in not having real jobs. But for now, he’s just decided to fuck with his state in order to score a few points he can use in the 2012 primaries. He’s decided he [...]
Barack Obama went to see the medical droid and whoa boy, the newspapers are Outraged! Why? He’s 48 years old and still has safe cholesterol levels, healthy blood pressure and one of those “BMI” index things way under the standard American level of Obesity. Why does he hate real Americans? Also, why is he still [...]
We were so excited to see a tip in our inbox with the subject line, “Explosion at HHS Building,” because buildings? Blowing up? Dead bodies? HELLO, PAGEVIEWS! $$$$$$! But, alas, it was just “small explosion” a repairman caused while working on something. No one was hurt, no fires. LAME SANDWICH.
It’s no secret that certain earthly beings harbor no love for the current Pope, a self-made Prada-clad dandy with a troubled past of torturing Luke Skywalker with his laser-beam hands. But apparently not even the Pope’s own guardian angel likes him very much, because it let him break his wrist a few weeks ago.
Poor Southern hobo and the 2008 GOP primary’s most potent premature ejaculation, Mike Huckabee, first made waves on the national stage when his fat ass lost hundreds of pounds on some kind of “diet-and-exercise” regimen. He wrote a book about this and most people read it several times. Even through the hectic presidential campaign, Huckabee [...]
Reprinted in full without comment. [AP]
Last week, John McCain released a medical dossier longer than Moby Dick that lingered in gruesome detail over his many benign polyps and lesions. This week, Barack Obama’s doctor revealed that in spite of a youth spent snorting powdery mounds of blow, the candidate is hale, hearty, and possessed of an enviably low triglyceride count. [...]
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