Tag: health

Always good advice for dealing with this guy

Donald Trump Thinks The Mafia Is Libeling That Nice, Safe, Healthy Asbestos. This Is A True Story.

You know what else isn't dangerous? Heroin. Try some today!

Barack Obama Says Accurate, Boring Things About Weed, Daily Caller Hears Call For Dictatorship

David Remnick wrote a million or so words about Barack Obama in the New Yorker this week, and several of those words were about the loco weed. And what did The POTUS say about the pot for us? “As has...

Donald Trump Likes Hillz For 2016, If She Lives That Long, Poor Dear

Clownish excrescence Donald Trump went on Larry King's internet-teevee program (yes, such a thing exists) to say that he's pretty sure that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee for president in 2016, unless of course she's too old...

Sorry Louisiana Olds, Children, Poors And AIDS-Havers, Bobby Jindal Is Taking Your Medicaid

We have important breaking news for you Wonketeers: the first concentric ring of hell exists, and it is Louisiana. Is this a surprise, really? No, probably not: as aforementioned, it is home to the highest infant mortality rate, the...

Michael Savage: Don’t Let The Flu Mandarins Put Autism In You

Your Wonkette writer had the flu last week. Let us put it this way: if you're in desperate need of using every blanket in your home, then sweating through your clothes for two straight days, then go lick doorknobs...

You Still Can’t Take A Chicken To The Doctor Unless It Is A Chicken Doctor

Remember that LA Times article from a couple months back where they revealed that the average American family pays about $20,000 for health care every year? And then ran the article with a picture of a Hyundai...

Nobody Has Any Money, Least Of All The Government, Because We Are All Fat

Problem: we are all fat, and even those of us who aren't are being forced to pay for things to accommodate the new, larger comforts required of the overweight, such as bigger toilets in hospitals, and bigger seats in...

Mean Old Florida Senator Won’t Let You Buy Candy With Food Stamps

Republican Florida state Sen. Ronda Storms has seen enough of these poor assholes in her grocery line buying candy and salty potato chips and chemical cancer juices with their food stamps. They're everywhere, these poor people! You may have...

Supreme Court Finally Agrees To Dismantle Obamacare Next Year

Barack Obama's weak-sauce health care legislation does a couple of good things but completely evaded the whole issue he campaigned on, which is health care for all Americans. But even a couple of regulations -- such as health care...

Tim Pawlenty Screws His State For Sake of His 2012 Campaign

Tim Pawlenty is in his dying days as governor of Minnesota, so soon he will FINALLY join his fellow potential presidential candidates in not having real jobs. But for now, he's just decided to fuck with his state in...

SCANDAL: Obama Still Chewing Nicorette

Barack Obama went to see the medical droid and whoa boy, the newspapers are Outraged! Why? He's 48 years old and still has safe cholesterol levels, healthy blood pressure and one of those "BMI" index things way under the...

Also, The Health & Human Services Building Is Blowing Up

We were so excited to see a tip in our inbox with the subject line, "Explosion at HHS Building," because buildings? Blowing up? Dead bodies? HELLO, PAGEVIEWS! $$$$$$! But, alas, it was just "small explosion" a repairman caused while...

Celestial Guardians Do Not Care For Pope Ratzi

It's no secret that certain earthly beings harbor no love for the current Pope, a self-made Prada-clad dandy with a troubled past of torturing Luke Skywalker with his laser-beam hands. But apparently not even the Pope's own guardian angel...

Mike Huckabee To Become Fat Again

Poor Southern hobo and the 2008 GOP primary's most potent premature ejaculation, Mike Huckabee, first made waves on the national stage when his fat ass lost hundreds of pounds on some kind of "diet-and-exercise" regimen. He wrote a book...

Clinton, McCain, Biden Dying Of Mystery Illnesses

Every white male in politics over the age of 50 has some awful illness, according to various rumors on the Internet. Joe Biden had two aneurysms operated on 20 years ago, so obviously he is due for another so...

UPDATE: Novak’s Shocking Revelation

Reprinted in full without comment.