Tag Archives: health

  putting the pot in potus

Barack Obama Says Accurate, Boring Things About Weed, Daily Caller Hears Call For Dictatorship

David Remnick wrote a million or so words about Barack Obama in the New Yorker this week, and several of those words were about the loco weed. And what did The POTUS say about the pot for us? “As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol.” Now where would he get a ridiculous idea like that? Doesn’t he know about all the people who stab or shoot whole families while high on the pot? Read more on Barack Obama Says Accurate, Boring Things About Weed, Daily Caller Hears Call For Dictatorship…
  bless his heart

Donald Trump Likes Hillz For 2016, If She Lives That Long, Poor Dear

Clownish excrescence Donald Trump went on Larry King’s internet-teevee program (yes, such a thing exists) to say that he’s pretty sure that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee for president in 2016, unless of course she’s too old and frail by then. Trump speculated that 2016 looks good for Hillary, but it would be an awful shame if she were to be completely infirm and unable to govern: “You have a big health question. Will she be healthy? … I hope she’s healthy now. I think she is. But ya know that’s a long time. You have to wait until 2014 is over.” Heck, by 2016 Hillary could be a mere shell of a human being, wracked with all sorts of horrible diseases, maybe even senile! Uh, God forbid such a thing should happen, ya know? Read more on Donald Trump Likes Hillz For 2016, If She Lives That Long, Poor Dear…
  first ring of hell

Sorry Louisiana Olds, Children, Poors And AIDS-Havers, Bobby Jindal Is Taking Your Medicaid

We have important breaking news for you Wonketeers: the first concentric ring of hell exists, and it is Louisiana. Is this a surprise, really? No, probably not: as aforementioned, it is home to the highest infant mortality rate, the fifth-highest maternal mortality rate, the fourth-worst life expectancy rate, the fifth-highest violent crime rate, the second-highest poverty rate, and the fifth-highest obesity rate in the country. And all of these things are SURE to improve, now that Governor Bobby Jindal will be eliminating benefits for HIV patients, dental benefits, first time moms who are Poor, and children of Poors. Read more on Sorry Louisiana Olds, Children, Poors And AIDS-Havers, Bobby Jindal Is Taking Your Medicaid…
  the sickness is in all of us

Michael Savage: Don’t Let The Flu Mandarins Put Autism In You

Your Wonkette writer had the flu last week. Let us put it this way: if you’re in desperate need of using every blanket in your home, then sweating through your clothes for two straight days, then go lick doorknobs at your closest university. Everybody else, get a flu shot. Or wait, no, first listen to known radio personality Michael “Savage” Weiner discuss how the flu shot is a secret government conspiracy to give everyone MS and autism and then…um…well, we do not know what the second part of this scheme is, but we’ll all be too sick to care anyway. Asking listeners to put aside his political orientation for a moment, talk-radio host Michael Savage questioned the federal government’s recommendation that citizens get a flu shot. “Did Harry Reid take a flu shot? Did Barack Obama take a flu shot? Did Barack Obama’s lovely family take a flu shot? Did Joe Biden take a flu shot?” Savage asked. “Which of the mandarins took the flu shot?” Read more on Michael Savage: Don’t Let The Flu Mandarins Put Autism In You…
  health insurance is awesome

You Still Can’t Take A Chicken To The Doctor Unless It Is A Chicken Doctor

Remember that LA Times article from a couple months back where they revealed that the average American family pays about $20,000 for health care every year? And then ran the article with a picture of a Hyundai sedan, because they are charging $20,000 for a Hyundai sedan these days? Anyway, turns out that’s only true for Americans who have insurance. The LA Times has since learned that the rest of us — the Poors who are uninsured and the unemployed, basically — are not missing out on Hyundai sedans by paying for health care. This is because hospitals just go on ahead and charge people whatever they feel like, so uninsured people can get services for 10% of what they would cost insured people. DAMN YOU, POORS. Read more on You Still Can’t Take A Chicken To The Doctor Unless It Is A Chicken Doctor… Read more on You Still Can’t Take A Chicken To The Doctor Unless It Is A Chicken Doctor…
  oh

Nobody Has Any Money, Least Of All The Government, Because We Are All Fat

Problem: we are all fat, and even those of us who aren’t are being forced to pay for things to accommodate the new, larger comforts required of the overweight, such as bigger toilets in hospitals, and bigger seats in public transportation! Conveying our cars across space requires a billion more gallons of gasoline per year now than if we were to weigh what we weighed in the 1960s, when we were all beanpoles and McDonald’s was about ten years into its quest for world domination. Reuters, gathering data from a study called the Campaign to End Obesity and research from economists at Duke University and others has itemized the bill for us and we shall all die of poverty if not obesity, unless we are bariatric or heart surgeons, or endocrinologists, who are doing quite well! But our one saving grace is that smokers “die early enough that they save Social Security, private pensions, and Medicare” a vast amount of money, in the trillions, which helps offset the cost of the overweights a little bit. Great! Let’s all smoke. Read more on Nobody Has Any Money, Least Of All The Government, Because We Are All Fat…
  ugh poor people

Mean Old Florida Senator Won’t Let You Buy Candy With Food Stamps

Republican Florida state Sen. Ronda Storms has seen enough of these poor assholes in her grocery line buying candy and salty potato chips and chemical cancer juices with their food stamps. They’re everywhere, these poor people! You may have seen one yourself, hmm? It’s time to kill them all. Or at least to stick it to ’em by restricting their food stamp purchasing ability. In the bill she’s moving through the state legislature, the poors would only be able to eat rocks, plastic, grass and poop, until they grow up and learn to stop being so goddamn poor. Read more on Mean Old Florida Senator Won’t Let You Buy Candy With Food Stamps…
  trial of the century

Supreme Court Finally Agrees To Dismantle Obamacare Next Year

Barack Obama’s weak-sauce health care legislation does a couple of good things but completely evaded the whole issue he campaigned on, which is health care for all Americans. But even a couple of regulations — such as health care executives no longer being allowed to perform Satanic rituals on the fresh corpses of children denied coverage — might not be covered explicitly in the pro-slavery Constitution of the late 1700s. And that’s why the Supreme Court has finally agreed to wage war on Obamacare, probably in March of next year. Will the “pro-American” Supreme Court majority agree to ban health care completely? It’s an important election-year political battle, so if you’ve got a pre-existing condition you should try hard not to die before then, because politics is interesting! Read more on Supreme Court Finally Agrees To Dismantle Obamacare Next Year…
  doucheupsmanship

Tim Pawlenty Screws His State For Sake of His 2012 Campaign

Tim Pawlenty is in his dying days as governor of Minnesota, so soon he will FINALLY join his fellow potential presidential candidates in not having real jobs. But for now, he’s just decided to fuck with his state in order to score a few points he can use in the 2012 primaries. He’s decided he must hate Obama’s health care reform in order to win various straw polls, and the only part of the health care plan he can opt his state out of is the part about the federal government giving money to states, so he’s done that one. Read more on Tim Pawlenty Screws His State For Sake of His 2012 Campaign…
  smoke smoke smoke that cigarette

SCANDAL: Obama Still Chewing Nicorette

Barack Obama went to see the medical droid and whoa boy, the newspapers are Outraged! Why? He’s 48 years old and still has safe cholesterol levels, healthy blood pressure and one of those “BMI” index things way under the standard American level of Obesity. Why does he hate real Americans? Also, why is he still being advised to chew Nicorette? DOES THIS MEAN HE STILL HAS A CIGARETTE SOMETIMES? And if so, why won’t he resign? [New York Daily News] Read more on SCANDAL: Obama Still Chewing Nicorette…
  not really though

Also, The Health & Human Services Building Is Blowing Up

We were so excited to see a tip in our inbox with the subject line, “Explosion at HHS Building,” because buildings? Blowing up? Dead bodies? HELLO, PAGEVIEWS! $$$$$$! But, alas, it was just “small explosion” a repairman caused while working on something. No one was hurt, no fires. LAME SANDWICH. Read more on Also, The Health & Human Services Building Is Blowing Up…
  god's health insurance plan

Celestial Guardians Do Not Care For Pope Ratzi

It’s no secret that certain earthly beings harbor no love for the current Pope, a self-made Prada-clad dandy with a troubled past of torturing Luke Skywalker with his laser-beam hands. But apparently not even the Pope’s own guardian angel likes him very much, because it let him break his wrist a few weeks ago. Read more on Celestial Guardians Do Not Care For Pope Ratzi…
  human tragedies

Mike Huckabee To Become Fat Again

Poor Southern hobo and the 2008 GOP primary’s most potent premature ejaculation, Mike Huckabee, first made waves on the national stage when his fat ass lost hundreds of pounds on some kind of “diet-and-exercise” regimen. He wrote a book about this and most people read it several times. Even through the hectic presidential campaign, Huckabee made sure to run his miles every morning, to preserve that sexy mass of dangling excess skin he had worked so tirelessly to create. But now, he claims, he is so busy criticizing Barack Obama that he has fallen off the wagon and will soon weigh millions of pounds again. Read more on Mike Huckabee To Become Fat Again…
  zombies

Clinton, McCain, Biden Dying Of Mystery Illnesses

Every white male in politics over the age of 50 has some awful illness, according to various rumors on the Internet. Joe Biden had two aneurysms operated on 20 years ago, so obviously he is due for another so that he can step down and Hillary Clinton can be Barack Obama’s vice president. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton’s thumb was shaking on various evening talk shows this week, so he’s about dead. Probably Parkinson’s. Read more on Clinton, McCain, Biden Dying Of Mystery Illnesses…
 

Doctor’s Report: Obama ‘Lean And Muscular’ With ‘Minor Skin Rashes’

Last week, John McCain released a medical dossier longer than Moby Dick that lingered in gruesome detail over his many benign polyps and lesions. This week, Barack Obama’s doctor revealed that in spite of a youth spent snorting powdery mounds of blow, the candidate is hale, hearty, and possessed of an enviably low triglyceride count. Find out more about Your Barry’s hot bod after the jump. Read more on Doctor’s Report: Obama ‘Lean And Muscular’ With ‘Minor Skin Rashes’…