Tag Archives: headlines

  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Tiger Selfies, Responsible Howitzer Owners, And Open Carry Guitars

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we turn a pressure-washer on our browser tabs and skim off the weird, just for you. Please read responsibly and do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Derp. Our Lead Derp is one of those things that we didn’t know was a thing until it was banned: the New York legislature voted last week to prohibit people from getting close enough to big cats to take pictures with them, which has the effect of banning “tiger selfies.” Which is a thing that exists, or existed: Dudebros attempting to attract a mate (and perhaps boost their mana stats) by taking a picture with big captive jungle kitties. Stephen Colbert mentioned it last week, and at first we thought it had to be a hoax, but no, this is real. There’s a collection of Tinder dating photos of Bromeos showing their manliness by cuddling with creatures that might decide to make them a snack. So far, the dudebros have only been potential candidates for the Darwin Award, and New York’s interference has now prevented this experiment from proceeding. Ah well — they can still be the control group. Read more on Derp Roundup: Tiger Selfies, Responsible Howitzer Owners, And Open Carry Guitars…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the very best of the worst detritus that’s clung to our browser tabs all week. We find the stories that are too short for a full post but too stupid to ignore altogether and serve them up to you in a delicious frothy blend — add whatever brain solvents you may need to help digest them. Read more on Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies…
  tales from the fainting couch

Conservative Newspaper Editor Fired For Rude Headline About Putting Something In President’s Butt

If someone told you to go “shove it,” you’d think that was pretty cute, right? Maybe you’d come back with a quick “up your nose with a rubber hose” and, tension defused, you’d ask if they got to second base with Mary Sue and how about going to the malt shop and do they really like Ike? This is how we know you are not the Chattanooga Times Free Press, possibly the longest-named newspaper in Tennessee. The Chattanooga Times Free Press thinks that kind of talk is disgusting, and if you use such language in their pages, you’ll be out on your posterior! Sadly not sadly, Drew Johnson, the generically named former editor of that paper’s editorial page, found this out the hard way when he chose the headline “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr. President” for a confused and factually challenged wordpoop marking the occasion of Obama’s visit to Chattanooga. But leave it to the lame stream media to miss the REAL STORY here. Read more on Conservative Newspaper Editor Fired For Rude Headline About Putting Something In President’s Butt…
  Back To You Sarah ... Sarah?

Grift On, Grizzly Grammaw: Sarah Palin Returns To Fox News

Exciting boob toob newz! Sarah Palin will be rejoining Fox News as a “contributor!” Weirdly, the Vanilla from Wasilla, O.G. Sno B. Grifta has done nothing to make us laugh, cringe, weep, sigh, or howl at the moon THAT WE KNOW OF in the roughly one day since the network made the announcement. Patience is counseled. She has never let us down before. Others, yes, she has let down, with her constant quitting and losing. But she loves us, because we talk about her on the internet. But we do not talk about her adorable babies, unless they are dancing on the teevee or copping budz in a parking lot (allegedly?) If you are having trouble remembering who is this Sasha Fallon lady, let us remind you: Read more on Grift On, Grizzly Grammaw: Sarah Palin Returns To Fox News…
  we are all six years old

Here Is Your Dick-Joke Headline of the Day

They’re really spicing things up over there! We will never understand why people continue to use the word “tap” like this. Also, Norm Dicks is currently 69. EASY JOKES: THEY’RE ALL AROUND US! [Roll Call via Wonkette operative “Andrew B.”] Read more on Here Is Your Dick-Joke Headline of the Day…
  french farewells

Don’t Worry, the Space Shuttle Didn’t Blow Up Again

Let’s see, we’ve only had five actual Space Shuttles, and two of them have blown up — killing everyone aboard and bumming out the nation for weeks/months — and actually Endeavor was built of old Challenger replacement parts after that shuttle exploded shortly after launch, meaning we started with just four, and half of that original fleet blew up, and it was horrifying. So what’s a good headline for the Atlantis making a safe landing after its final pointless orbits around Earth? Yes, yes, “Space Shuttle Atlantis Boom Adieu” should work nicely. Bonus points for using French, too, so we can suspect terrorism. Read more on Don’t Worry, the Space Shuttle Didn’t Blow Up Again…
  no shit

GOP Not Satisfied With Dems’ Government Takeover Of Tax Breaks

RUN FOR THE HILLS, DEMOCRATS! They need to stop governing from the left/socialist lefty mcleftosphere and be more better bipartisan-like because the Republicans want to work with them. When will pro-life elderly Mormon Harry Reid stop being so very liberal? [NYT] Read more on GOP Not Satisfied With Dems’ Government Takeover Of Tax Breaks…
  remembering the liger

Funniest Ted Kennedy Headline Of The Day Goes To…

…The Los Angeles Times! It is impossible to take anyone who uses the word “taint” seriously anymore, in this country. We blame this on Rod Blagojevich’s appointment of Roland Burris. [LAT] Read more on Funniest Ted Kennedy Headline Of The Day Goes To……
  chatting with the terrorists

Talking With The Enemy Will Only Increase Violence!

Here’s a curious pairing of headlines from the Washington Post website. John McCain, as he has been and will continue doing for the next eight years, called Obama a softie who ignorantly treats our enemies like actual human beings. Obama thinks *talking* to dangerous regimes, in some form, will achieve anything? Like a truce or something? Go back to Harvard, Columbia elitist! Talking with the enemy will only result in twenty more 9/11s and universal cancer. [Washington Post] Read more on Talking With The Enemy Will Only Increase Violence!…
 

WaPo Repressing Horrible Headline Word Choice

Huzzah! Thank you A1 of this morning’s Washington Post; we had no idea that there was a lesbian hunchback detective raping suspects. The online headline now reads, “Detective’s Hunch Led Her to Suspect in Rape.” So she’s still a hunchback detective, but isn’t raping suspects anymore. Detective’s Hunch Led Her to [something about rape] [WP] Read more on WaPo Repressing Horrible Headline Word Choice…
 

BREAKING: DRIVERS STILL TAKING ROADS

Yes, yes, pilots still insist on taking the sky, and submarine captains continue to opt for traveling underwater. The story itself (which actually has a sadly coherent headline) is about how Americans are all so excited about skyrocketing gas prices that they’re consuming even more gasoline than last year. Read more on BREAKING: DRIVERS STILL TAKING ROADS…
 

Blair, Bush to Exchange French Kissing Anecdotes, Tips

The President and the Prime Minister will reportedly put on PJs, make popcorn, rent Crossroads, and weep softly into each other’s arms at the terrible messes they’ve both made of their unprecedented chances at greatness. Read more on Blair, Bush to Exchange French Kissing Anecdotes, Tips…