Tag Archives: hawaii

  the grand canyon state of nature

Let’s Classify This AZ Secretary of State’s Birther Email Demands As ‘Comedy Gold’

Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett has been in hot pursuit of extra-double email verification from the Hawaii government of Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Bennett made a pledge to the state’s voters — no extra-double email verification, no Obama on the ballot. What’s the big deal, haters? He’s only seeking this unique extra verification because serious, trustworthy sages such as Jerome Corsi and Joe Arpaio and his 1,200 worst constituents told him it was necessary. It is his duty, to get the birth certificate. Again. For just Obama. It is not pandering, he promises. (Sadly for him, the only other explanation besides pandering would be that he’s a genuine warm-blooded idiot.) Now who wants to read his emails with Hawaii officials where he can’t offer them a valid statutory need for his request and so turns to whining instead? Oh, please let this play out for a while, please please please! Read more on Let’s Classify This AZ Secretary of State’s Birther Email Demands As ‘Comedy Gold’…
  who what where why argh

Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties

Hi. Tonight we are reminded that this country has 50 states and even some territories, and each must have her chance to say, “Ahem” regarding positions of power. It’s time for us to tune in to Mississippi and Alabama (and later, after this Wonkette has gone to bed at 8PM PST or so, Hawaii) and see to what degree its people enjoy the last four lemon and orange Starbursts left in the package, as it were. Already John King is pressing rounded red squares, which means “N/A” in terms of actual information. So far we know that Romney is leading is Miss. and Santorum is leading in Ala. But do stick around, stay awhile! Look at the percent signs on your screen so long that they start to look very strange! Read more on Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal

The end of the year (world?) can be a good time to reflect on all of the happy times of the last 12 months, like gym sessions with Desmond Tutu, victories in world domination, and whatever is actually going on in this photo. Perhaps it is also an appropriate time to consider the past year’s mistakes and contemplate lessons learned. Not for our FLOTUS, of course, because she is too good for that second thing. She is pretty pleased with 2011 and has decided to close out the year the best way she knows how: in fancy clothes, on an island far away from most of the poor people. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal…
  political comedy haz a sad

Mean Buzzkill Obama Cancels Beloved World Leader Costume Party

Joyless schoolmarm Barack Obama unceremoniously decided to axe murder history’s last remaining awesome thing, the “ha ha, look at all the heads of state dressed up as goofy commoners” party time photo-op traditionally held each year for leaders at the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit. But this year’s meeting is in luscious Hawaii, which makes aloha shirts and coconut bras officially too much sexy fun to appear to be having while Earth’s various economies burn. Of course the President of Serious couldn’t just say this, so he announced instead that he is Too Cool for silly shirts. Read more on Mean Buzzkill Obama Cancels Beloved World Leader Costume Party…
  the miracle of life

Barack Obama Sr. Wanted to Drop His Kid Off at the Salvation Army

It is common knowledge in this country that the path to a legitimate American presidency begins with baptizing a white baby in a fountain of oil and money and includes a few years of reckless drug experimentation and, potentially, a religious epiphany, before the Bombing and Ruining Everything phase kicks in. This is why Americans are so frustrated with Barack Obama and his confusing family history, with all its Kenyans and fake birth certificates and near-adoptions. Yes, apparently Barack Obama was sort of, almost, maybe put up for adoption, and only narrowly escaped the fate of becoming a Bachmann foster child. Read more on Barack Obama Sr. Wanted to Drop His Kid Off at the Salvation Army…
  the halley's comet of dumb presidential scandals

And Then Barack Obama Released His Birth Certificate

The White House gathered the press this morning as usual and just passed out the president’s birth certificate. And then that was it. It’s here. The full thing. Long-form. Signed by the doctor. Etc. President Obama finally just asked Hawaii for the thing, and Hawaii finally just gave it to him. According to the document, no twin or triplet was born. The mother had no occupation. Her residence was not a farm or plantation. Here it is. The president of the United States has given into the trolls. What do you even say at a moment like this? “The President’s hope is that with this step, we can move on to debating the bigger issues that matter to the American people and the future of the country.” He’s right: issues like, why did it take three whole days for his mother to sign the birth certificate? What are these strange “x” marks and penciled-in numbers everywhere? And why did it take somebody so powerful so long to buy a fake long-form birth certificate? Read more on And Then Barack Obama Released His Birth Certificate…
  a serious man

Donald Trump Has Team of Gumshoes In Hawaii Looking For Birth Certificate

Donald Trump has certainly given a very interesting interview to the Today show, considering he’s going to be our next president of the United States and all! “Let me just say something. There’s nobody more militaristic than me.” Cool! It’s about time we had a president with no experience in politics who is upfront about blowing up every other country on the planet. “Iran is going to take over Iraq, because we have de-neutered Iraq, you know that, in terms of their military.” De-neutered, huh? Is Iran going to get in a squirmish with them? The new military terms we hear these days are so strange and complex! Oh, also: Donald Trump says he has people in Hawaii working on finding Obama’s birth records. How big of him. He knows how to protect and defend this country. Read more on Donald Trump Has Team of Gumshoes In Hawaii Looking For Birth Certificate…
  poseidon's laughing at us

House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course

As tsunami waves from the Japan earthquake begin to hit Hawaii and are on their way to our West Coast, the federal government has been closely monitoring the situation at the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center and is issuing advisories to those affected as necessary. Luckily, they aren’t anticipating major damage. The United States is able to monitor the globe and quickly spring into action to save lives when necessary because its taxpayers fund it. But if Republicans in Congress had their way with proposed budget cuts that just failed in the Senate, tsunami and other disaster monitoring operations would have been reduced significantly. Good thing God got this awful disaster in when he did! Read more on House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course…
  why it's not a real state

Junior Sen. Daniel Akaka, 86, Not Seeking Re-Election After Just 20 Years In Senate

Hawaii Democratic Sen. Daniel Akaka will not seek re-election in 2012, the fifth Democratic or Democratic aligned incumbent to bow out already this election cycle. Way to cut and run, Akaka! At 86, you’re probably the second- or third-youngest person in the entire Congress! Read more on Junior Sen. Daniel Akaka, 86, Not Seeking Re-Election After Just 20 Years In Senate…
  sorry should have made it a photo gallery

An Open Letter To Birthers: Find a New Way To Question Obama’s Eligibility

Dear Birthers: It’s okay, I’m white. Listen up, you guys: I like what you’re doing. I do. It’s very entertaining. Even your name is funny! Your undying Birther devotion to your initial impulse that the president of the United States “doesn’t seem like he’s from around these parts” is adorable. But I’m afraid this birth certificate thing is just becoming banal. It’s just not going to sustain itself for two more years. You need new ideas. And I’m here to help. Read more on An Open Letter To Birthers: Find a New Way To Question Obama’s Eligibility…
  the opposite of hexting

Cellphone Shaman Will Help GOP Candidate Become Governor

Hawaii’s Republican gubernatorial candidate, James “Duke” Aiona, has a lot going for him: a cool nickname, cool hair, good looks, and years of experience as Hawaii’s lieutenant governor on his resume. But his biggest advantage against … whoever he’s running against is that he’s got a special preacher friend who can heal and anoint people, and cast out demons from their souls, using nothing more than ordinary hand-held electronic devices. God’s blessing is just a phone call away! Read more on Cellphone Shaman Will Help GOP Candidate Become Governor…
  it's morning in america

Border Governors Don’t Want To Party With ‘Nerd’ Jan Brewer

Traditionally, the governors of all the states on both sides of the U.S.-Mexico border (did you know that Mexico has “states,” with “governors”?) get together once a year to “celebrate border bonhomie … issue proclamations and pledges to work together, air grievances and concerns behind closed doors.” In other words, they drink unseemly amounts of tequila and go to strip clubs. But this year the host was supposed to be Jan Brewer, and all the Mexican governors (plus Bill Richardson) are afraid she will personally deport them when they show up for the shindig, so they’re thinking about doing it somewhere else, or maybe not doing it at all, and Jan will cry at home by herself and tell herself that when she goes to college, people won’t be petty like this, they’ll recognize her as an interesting and unique person and want to hang out with her. Read more on Border Governors Don’t Want To Party With ‘Nerd’ Jan Brewer… Read more on Border Governors Don’t Want To Party With ‘Nerd’ Jan Brewer…
  it's morning in america

BP Polluters To Pollute Prison, Possibly

Obviously — obviously — every single effort BP makes to try to stop the entire contents of the earth from barfing up into the Gulf of Mexico will fail, and miserably. This is making the Obama administration look bad, as they are supposed to be “in charge” but it’s not really their fault (except in the total-failure-of-regulation and lapses-in-containment senses) and they can’t just brush aside BP and do things themselves because, uh, capitalism? Anyway, eventually once you piss off the Obama administration, they set their “heavy,” Eric Holder, onto you, and then YOUR SHIT GETS FUCKED UP. Read more on BP Polluters To Pollute Prison, Possibly… Read more on BP Polluters To Pollute Prison, Possibly…
  it's morning in america

Republican Wins Special Congressional Election in Hawaii, Exactly Like That ‘Lost’ TeeVee Show

Republican nobody “Honolulu City Councilman Charles Djou” won a special election in Honolulu on Saturday, taking 39% of the vote in a three-way contest against two Democrats. A major win for the GOP and the final proof that Barack Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii? Maybe! Also, there’s absolutely no way in Hell/Hawaii that this “Charles Djou” character will win the real election in November, because this district is Honolulu which is one of the original Democrat strongholds as written in the Constitution. Also, this is exactly the plot of last night’s blockbuster whodunnit, “I’m Lost, Get Me Out of Here!” Read more on Republican Wins Special Congressional Election in Hawaii, Exactly Like That ‘Lost’ TeeVee Show… Read more on Republican Wins Special Congressional Election in Hawaii, Exactly Like That ‘Lost’ TeeVee Show…
  it's morning in america

Goldman Sachs, The Bank, Will Be Put In Bank Jail

Were you all bummed out because the Goldman Sachs investigation was just this wimpy little civil suit from a bunch of bureaucrat nobodies at the SEC, whose only enforcement power is imposing tiny fines on impossibly rich people? Fear not! Now federal prosecutors are sniffing around this slimy cadre of villains. Soon there will be mass arrests, savage prosecutions, entire wings of federal penitentiaries given over to dozens of bankers, etc. Or not? Read more on Goldman Sachs, The Bank, Will Be Put In Bank Jail… Read more on Goldman Sachs, The Bank, Will Be Put In Bank Jail…
  earth hates humans

Tsunami From Hell: Obama Tells Hawaiians To Run For Their Lives

Unsatisfied with the terrible death and destruction in Chile, the Evil Earthquake is now hoping to wipe out the Hawaiian Islands with a Terrible Tsunami. Alleged Hawaiian Barack Obama just warned his people on the Sandwich Islands that the killer wave spawned by the 8.8 Chilean quake should start bashing the shores in about an hour. Why does Nature hate everybody? Read more on Tsunami From Hell: Obama Tells Hawaiians To Run For Their Lives…
  who invited him?

THIS IS A SERIOUS MEETING. HE DOES NOT ENJOY WEARING THESE CLOTHES. “The Republican National Committee winter meetings kicks off in Hawaii on Wednesday, but GOP Chairman Michael Steele — who picked the tropical location — insists there will be serious business involved. ‘Relax,’ Steele said while sporting a Hawaiian shirt and a flower lei. ‘We’re working hard here, trust me. This is not a vacation.'” [HuffPo] Read more on …
  hooray!

RNC Slaveowners To Take Away Michael Steele’s Profits At Gay Luau

Most people who know anything about politics recognize that Katon Dawson and other influential slaveowners at the RNC will be drafting a plan to both re-enslave and kill Michael Steele, simultaneously, at their upcoming gay slaveowner retreat in Hawaii. But only now are we learning of the first step in this process. According to the very healthy Washington Times slavery money trade pamphlet, the retreaters “are preparing a motion demanding that RNC Chairman Michael S. Steele cancel promotional events for the book he wrote as chairman.” They’re also seizing his profits — not a very capitalist move, but Michael Steele is from Africa so whatever. Read more on RNC Slaveowners To Take Away Michael Steele’s Profits At Gay Luau…
  it's always hawaii

Felled Southern Slaveowner Could Plan Coup Against Michael Steele, In Hawaii

Former South Carolina GOP chair Katon Dawson wanted so bad to earn his nut as chairman of the Republican National Committee in last year’s hysterical six-dimensional gangbang of an internal election process, one that hilariously culminated in Michael Steele’s first-ever victory in any contest. Dawson yearned so much for this position that he even resigned his beloved membership at a slaveowners’ country club which only whites could attend, unless of course they were slaves. This move backfired on Dawson, however, as the RNC voting body figured, “well if Dawson’s so much of a loser that he’ll distance himself from our favorite institution — slavery — we might as well just cold elect an actual slave, who will do what we tell him.” But the Steele Administration has produced “mixed results,” and now Dawson and the remaining White Leadership of the party will fly to Hawaii to draft their plot to kill Michael Steele. Read more on Felled Southern Slaveowner Could Plan Coup Against Michael Steele, In Hawaii…