Tag Archives: hawaii

  o'really?

Bill O’Reilly Has Some Thoughts About Asians, Pinheads

We now take a brief programming break from mourning the continuing state of affairs in Congress to mourning the continuing state of affairs on Fox News, where Bill O’Reilly has, startlingly, revealed that he might have some incorrect assumptions about American race relations. He has, bless his heart, moved on from Hispanic moochers and onto Asian-Americans, who, traditionally, are not as moochy. From yesterday’s show, during a discussion about Hawaii: But you know what’s shocking? 35 percent of the Hawaiian population is Asian, and Asian people are not liberal, you know, by nature. They’re usually more industrious and hard-working. Yes! Asians are wonderful, hard-working people, not liberals. After the jump, we shall evaluate whether this statemnt is accurate. (Shocking spoiler: It is not.) Read more on Bill O’Reilly Has Some Thoughts About Asians, Pinheads…
  burn her

Michelle Obama Bogarting All The Christmas Trees

Well, this is very sad. Apparently, History’s Greatest Monster Michelle Obama has neither shat upon the face of the smiling Baby Jesus by naming her Christmas trees “holiday African witchdoctor spear missiles” nor covered her Christmas trees in hypodermic needles and Stalin. How, then, is a hack of many talents to take great umbrage with the way the Black Queen decorates for the pagan festival of Yule? We will let hack nonpareil Andrew Malcolm find a way! Read more on Michelle Obama Bogarting All The Christmas Trees…
  but when did she stop beating her wife?

America’s Favoritest Deadbeat Dad Joe Walsh Wins Re-Election With Spy Photo Of Opponent Picking Out Dress

Sorry, guys, but GAME OVER. Illinois Congressman and paragon of personal responsibility Joe Walsh has handily defeated his opponent even with four weeks or whatever left to go. How did he do this? By holding up, during their debate, a photo of his opponent picking out a dress to wear at the Democratic National Convention, where she would be giving a speech. Wait a minute, she? His opponent’s a lady? And his big GOTCHA is that she wore a dress? Do not try to wrap your puny mortal brains around what goes on in the mysterious silence of Joe Walsh’s skull. He’s ineffable, and unknowable, and a crazy motherfucker. Like God! Read more on America’s Favoritest Deadbeat Dad Joe Walsh Wins Re-Election With Spy Photo Of Opponent Picking Out Dress…
  beyond the sea

Politicians From America’s Weirdo Unattached States Form Unholy Alliance

There has often emerged from the American electorate a sort of vague, inchoate idea that more “bipartisanship” is needed in our politics. Elitists who are heavily connected to the financial services industry but are cool with abortion and gay people think, completely incorrectly, that this indicates that there’s room for some sort of middle ground third-party, when it probably actually just means that people want Congress to not treat every little vote about trade policy or whatever like it’s the debate over the Fugitive Slave Act, and at least pretend to be nice to each other. Sadly, the only elected officials still capable of doing this come from the dispersed American Pacific Empire, as we can see in a new ad in which a Republican congressman from Alaska endorses a Democratic congresslady for Hawaii, for Senate. What terrible debts are being repaid over the course of this low-budget 90-second ad? Read more on Politicians From America’s Weirdo Unattached States Form Unholy Alliance…
  the sheriff always gets his man

Joe Arpaio Proves Beyond Reasonable Doubt: Barack Obama Was Never Born

We can’t believe we forgot to watch the “live stream” of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s press conference — which wasn’t on the teevee because of how the media is colluding to protect the illegal alien “president” — and he has some news! In fact, Arpaio’s “posse” of investigators into the national security threat (true quote!) that is B. Hussein are so good at their jobs, they even found the 95-year-old former state employee who signed Bamz’s birth certificate in the first place! But wait! If they found the employee who signed it coming up on 51 years ago, wouldn’t that mean it hadn’t been forged? Oh you sweet, simple thing. No. You see, “It’s the codes.” Read more on Joe Arpaio Proves Beyond Reasonable Doubt: Barack Obama Was Never Born…
  i love the '80s

George H.W. Bush Flunky Still Mad About Democrats And Their Weed

Before George H.W. Bush became America’s lovable old “sensible Republican” grandpa, he was an angry, out-of-touch Republican president, who was flabbergasted to lose in ’92 to a fat pot-smoking southerner whom he publicly called a “bozo.” For most of his term, Bush’s chief of staff was unpleasant former New Hampshire Governor John Sununu, who was eventually fired (on George W. Bush’s suggestion) because he used government jets for personal travel to ski resorts, constantly. Probably he was very upset to not get to participate in the campaign against crazed reefer fiend Bill Clinton, so he’s super excited, in his current role as Romney’s “surrogate” (don’t worry, this means he talks up Romney on TV, not that he is carrying Mitt’s baby) to just totally slam on Barack Obama for being high all the time! Read more on George H.W. Bush Flunky Still Mad About Democrats And Their Weed…
  the grand canyon state of nature

Let’s Classify This AZ Secretary of State’s Birther Email Demands As ‘Comedy Gold’

Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett has been in hot pursuit of extra-double email verification from the Hawaii government of Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Bennett made a pledge to the state’s voters — no extra-double email verification, no Obama on the ballot. What’s the big deal, haters? He’s only seeking this unique extra verification because serious, trustworthy sages such as Jerome Corsi and Joe Arpaio and his 1,200 worst constituents told him it was necessary. It is his duty, to get the birth certificate. Again. For just Obama. It is not pandering, he promises. (Sadly for him, the only other explanation besides pandering would be that he’s a genuine warm-blooded idiot.) Now who wants to read his emails with Hawaii officials where he can’t offer them a valid statutory need for his request and so turns to whining instead? Oh, please let this play out for a while, please please please! Read more on Let’s Classify This AZ Secretary of State’s Birther Email Demands As ‘Comedy Gold’…
  who what where why argh

Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties

Hi. Tonight we are reminded that this country has 50 states and even some territories, and each must have her chance to say, “Ahem” regarding positions of power. It’s time for us to tune in to Mississippi and Alabama (and later, after this Wonkette has gone to bed at 8PM PST or so, Hawaii) and see to what degree its people enjoy the last four lemon and orange Starbursts left in the package, as it were. Already John King is pressing rounded red squares, which means “N/A” in terms of actual information. So far we know that Romney is leading is Miss. and Santorum is leading in Ala. But do stick around, stay awhile! Look at the percent signs on your screen so long that they start to look very strange! Read more on Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal

The end of the year (world?) can be a good time to reflect on all of the happy times of the last 12 months, like gym sessions with Desmond Tutu, victories in world domination, and whatever is actually going on in this photo. Perhaps it is also an appropriate time to consider the past year’s mistakes and contemplate lessons learned. Not for our FLOTUS, of course, because she is too good for that second thing. She is pretty pleased with 2011 and has decided to close out the year the best way she knows how: in fancy clothes, on an island far away from most of the poor people. Read more on Michelle Obama Celebrates 2011 With One Last Fancy Clothes Scandal…
  political comedy haz a sad

Mean Buzzkill Obama Cancels Beloved World Leader Costume Party

Joyless schoolmarm Barack Obama unceremoniously decided to axe murder history’s last remaining awesome thing, the “ha ha, look at all the heads of state dressed up as goofy commoners” party time photo-op traditionally held each year for leaders at the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit. But this year’s meeting is in luscious Hawaii, which makes aloha shirts and coconut bras officially too much sexy fun to appear to be having while Earth’s various economies burn. Of course the President of Serious couldn’t just say this, so he announced instead that he is Too Cool for silly shirts. Read more on Mean Buzzkill Obama Cancels Beloved World Leader Costume Party…
  the miracle of life

Barack Obama Sr. Wanted to Drop His Kid Off at the Salvation Army

It is common knowledge in this country that the path to a legitimate American presidency begins with baptizing a white baby in a fountain of oil and money and includes a few years of reckless drug experimentation and, potentially, a religious epiphany, before the Bombing and Ruining Everything phase kicks in. This is why Americans are so frustrated with Barack Obama and his confusing family history, with all its Kenyans and fake birth certificates and near-adoptions. Yes, apparently Barack Obama was sort of, almost, maybe put up for adoption, and only narrowly escaped the fate of becoming a Bachmann foster child. Read more on Barack Obama Sr. Wanted to Drop His Kid Off at the Salvation Army…
  the halley's comet of dumb presidential scandals

And Then Barack Obama Released His Birth Certificate

The White House gathered the press this morning as usual and just passed out the president’s birth certificate. And then that was it. It’s here. The full thing. Long-form. Signed by the doctor. Etc. President Obama finally just asked Hawaii for the thing, and Hawaii finally just gave it to him. According to the document, no twin or triplet was born. The mother had no occupation. Her residence was not a farm or plantation. Here it is. The president of the United States has given into the trolls. What do you even say at a moment like this? “The President’s hope is that with this step, we can move on to debating the bigger issues that matter to the American people and the future of the country.” He’s right: issues like, why did it take three whole days for his mother to sign the birth certificate? What are these strange “x” marks and penciled-in numbers everywhere? And why did it take somebody so powerful so long to buy a fake long-form birth certificate? Read more on And Then Barack Obama Released His Birth Certificate…
  a serious man

Donald Trump Has Team of Gumshoes In Hawaii Looking For Birth Certificate

Donald Trump has certainly given a very interesting interview to the Today show, considering he’s going to be our next president of the United States and all! “Let me just say something. There’s nobody more militaristic than me.” Cool! It’s about time we had a president with no experience in politics who is upfront about blowing up every other country on the planet. “Iran is going to take over Iraq, because we have de-neutered Iraq, you know that, in terms of their military.” De-neutered, huh? Is Iran going to get in a squirmish with them? The new military terms we hear these days are so strange and complex! Oh, also: Donald Trump says he has people in Hawaii working on finding Obama’s birth records. How big of him. He knows how to protect and defend this country. Read more on Donald Trump Has Team of Gumshoes In Hawaii Looking For Birth Certificate…
  poseidon's laughing at us

House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course

As tsunami waves from the Japan earthquake begin to hit Hawaii and are on their way to our West Coast, the federal government has been closely monitoring the situation at the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center and is issuing advisories to those affected as necessary. Luckily, they aren’t anticipating major damage. The United States is able to monitor the globe and quickly spring into action to save lives when necessary because its taxpayers fund it. But if Republicans in Congress had their way with proposed budget cuts that just failed in the Senate, tsunami and other disaster monitoring operations would have been reduced significantly. Good thing God got this awful disaster in when he did! Read more on House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course…