Tag: hawaii

Look, we know you were always looking for a lei...

Was War Hero Daniel Inouye Also That Secret Sexist Senator? NYT Says Yes!

The New York Times is pretty sure it's outed the unidentified senior senator who grabbed Kristen Gillibrand's waist after she'd lost some weight and chuckled, “Don’t lose too much weight now. I like my girls chubby!” According to "people...
Don't be ridiculous -- Santa is white.

Very Credible ‘Former Jihadist’ Saw Barack Obama Kissing Muslim Claus In A Mosque On Christmas

In a revelation that will be shocking proof to at least 12 or 13 wingnuts who were genuinely undecided on the question, we learn that Barack Obama has to be a Muslim because on Christmas, he totally attended a mosque...

Hero Hawaii Legislator Will Save Middle Schoolers From Terror Of Hearing The Word ‘Anus’

Hawaii, we were under the impression your legislative types were generally not, on the whole, anti-gay nutbars since they crammed gay marriage down the throats of the state last December. We should never forget, though, that there will always...

Fort Lauderdale Will Magically Fix Homelessness By Stealing Homeless People’s Stuff, Basically

So what should you do if your town has a homelessness problem? Should you (a) increase city spending on things like affordable housing; (b) form some public-private partnerships to increase job possibilities; or (c) pass a law barring the...

Dumbest Birther Claim Yet? Hawaii Health Director Couldn’t Fit In Own Casket, Says Birther, Proving…????

Yr Wonkette would just like to call on the conspiracy theorists of the world, especially the Birthers, to work a little bit on their communication skills. Case in point: this blog thing claiming that something is definitely wrong with...

The Washington Times Has Found The Cause Of The Polar Vortex And It Is Michelle Obama

Are you part of the one-hundred-and-eleventy percent of America that is freezing right now? Have you barricaded yourself in your house and then set the house on fire, for warmth? Have you taken to wearing your pets as housecoats?...

Obama Killing All Birth Certificate Cover-Up Related Witnesses In Desperate Attempt To Distract From Obamacare

What with all the other craziness that has gone on in Washington this fall, it only makes sense that Our Great Leader and Guiding Star of the Heavens Barack Obama would choose this moment to start quietly knocking off...

Hero Hawaii Democrat Going Around Smashing Homeless People’s Stuff, Because They Are ‘Disgusting’ — Wait, What?

Hawaii News Now - KGMB and KHNL What the everloving fuck, Hawaii? You are so cool! You are HAWAII. Prezzy Bamz was born in you! You were multicultural before multiculturalism was Satan's immigrant basket! Everybody is all mellow and high...

Totally Sane Chicago Bishop To Exorcise Demons From Same-Sex Marriage Bill Signing

Well hello, GAYmerica. Because the frothy LGBT agenda is being smeared all over this great land, this little mommyblog has not been reporting on every state that legalizes gay marriage, which everyone knows is like poking G-d in the...

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup

Welcome to a special Labor Day edition of picked-up pieces, a baggy collection of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that we couldn't quite manage a full post on. Or just didn't wanna. At the top...

Canadian Ted Cruz Shocked — Shocked! — To Learn He Is Canadian

Ivy-league graduate and Harvard Law Review editor Ted Cruz is a startling example of how a Grade A Dumbass can become a U.S. Senator. From Texas, but it still counts. Apparently, despite attending Princeton for undergrad and Harvard for law...

Hawaii’s Senator Brian Schatz Didn’t Actually Do Sex On That Sheep

Well, dear Wonkers, it appears you have finally learned what the <a href="tip line is for, as you have sent along the Wonkettiest story that ever Wonketted, this Daily Caller masterpiece, "Hawaii senator Brian Schatz involved in simulated sheep...

Young Barry Obama Totally Tried To Mack On His Best Friend’s Main Squeeze, For Real

Time has some EXCLUSIVE prom photos of a young and suavay B. Barry Bamz, so we will let you go on over there for your fapping, because EXCLUSIVE should mean something, dammit! But we will pick up this photo, because...

Your Afternoon Nice Time: Jim Nabors Gay-Marries Longtime BFF, Civilization Still Standing

In Seattle yesterday, actor and permanent fixture of grandparents' record collections Jim Nabors married Stan Cadwallader, his companion of 38 years, which means that the two have had a successful relationship that has lasted longer than any of...

Bill O’Reilly Has Some Thoughts About Asians, Pinheads

We now take a brief programming break from mourning the continuing state of affairs in Congress to mourning the continuing state of affairs on Fox News, where Bill O'Reilly has, startlingly, revealed that he might have some incorrect assumptions...

Michelle Obama Bogarting All The Christmas Trees

Well, this is very sad. Apparently, History's Greatest Monster Michelle Obama has neither shat upon the face of the smiling Baby Jesus by naming her Christmas trees "holiday African witchdoctor spear missiles" nor covered her Christmas trees in hypodermic...