Wonkette

Contrary to popular belief, Barack Obama was not hatched from a magical Muslim egg at the age of 35. In fact he had a normal Christian childhood in Hawaii, and we have photographic evidence to prove it! Here he is pictured at the historic brokered Pencil Chewers Convention of ‘73. Riots and an assassination attempt (pictured here) marred the proceedings, but in the end Barry was able to bring people together around a platform of hope, and pencils. MORE »

With 26 of 347 precincts reporting, “native son” Barack Obama is beating Hillary Clinton three to one. And Wonkette is now going to bed because it’s “three ‘o one” in the morning. Happy 10th (or 11th) Straight Victory In a Row, Barry Obama! [Honolulu Advertiser]

Wonkette operative “Kerry” from “Maui” reports: MORE »

Saddened and angered by our nation’s Cable News Channels switching to repeats long before any results appeared from Hawaii, we demanded Inside Information from our island readers. Here’s what we’ve learned, courtesy of totally objective Wonkette operative Noreen H. in Honolulu: MORE »

Dilemma: Hawaii is so far away that everyone on the East Coast will die of alcohol poisoning before the caucus results are announced (at 7 p.m. Hawaiian Time and 1 a.m. Eastern Time). Also: Washington state Democrats have a primary, but the results don’t count. WTF? The solution is to pace yourself, maybe have a cup of (Irish) coffee between your “real” beverages of choice. Just like the Hillary campaign, we are in it for the long haul, we are fired up, even though we know, ultimately, that we will lose. MORE »

Primaries and caucuses every week, forever! Celebrate the horror tonight as we liveblog the proceedings from Wisconsin (polls close at 9 p.m. Eastern) and Washington (only counts for Republicans, 11 p.m. Eastern) and Hawaii (1 a.m. Eastern). Jesus, Hawaii is on the other side of the planet or something. No wonder people are so suspicious of this Barack Obama and his Great Shark God. Anyway, stock up on booze and guns and antibiotics and spend the night with Wonkette. [Seattle Times/Honolulu Star Bulletin]

It comes as no surprise to the other 49 states in America that Texas is secretly run by the devil–but now there’s definitive proof. A disturbing report from Experian shows that Texans’ average credit score is a frightening 666. MORE »

Meet our newest correspondent, the very talented Seth Hettena, author of Feasting on the Spoils. For his first story, he writes about hookers, Hawaii and hot tubs. Oh, and how Rep. Randy “Duke” Cunningham and defense contractor Brent Wilkes really, really like them. MORE »

The violence and chaos that followed Air Force One from Asia to Hawaii has claimed the life of Honolulu motorcycle officer Steve Favella. MORE »

Was black magic to blame for the Bush Family’s incredible 24 hours of global bloodshed, crime, chaos, accidents and nervous breakdowns? Scientists say karma is more likely the cause, but we prefer theories from week-old news stories, like this one about an Indonesian witch doctor putting the hate on Dubya’s travels:

Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before he drank the “potion” and smeared some on his face.

Mmm, spice and broccoli. The voodoo priest said he had nothing against the United States, “but I don’t like Bush.” He also targeted Bush’s Secret Service team, which might explain why the Bush Twins were robbed in Argentina while their helpless protectors were savagely beaten. MORE »

While his daughters wreak havoc on Argentina, President Bush spent the day terrorizing Hawaii — an actual U.S. state!

As Bush left a guest house for breakfast, three police motorcycles escorting his motorcade crashed on slick pavement and rolled onto a grassy median. Officers were seen lying on the grass, and members of the White House medical team — including an ambulance — were cut loose from the motorcade to help, said Dr. Richard Tubb, Bush’s doctor.

Good thing Dr. Tubb was able to help somebody. Bush’s “acting travel office director” was left behind in a Honolulu hospital after he was robbed and savagely beaten Monday night. MORE »