hawaii
Donald Trump Has Team of Gumshoes In Hawaii Looking For Birth Certificate
Donald Trump has certainly given a very interesting interview to the Today show, considering he’s going to be our next president of the United States and all! “Let me just say something. There’s nobody more militaristic than me.” Cool! It’s about time we had a president with no experience in politics who is upfront about [...]
House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course
As tsunami waves from the Japan earthquake begin to hit Hawaii and are on their way to our West Coast, the federal government has been closely monitoring the situation at the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center and is issuing advisories to those affected as necessary. Luckily, they aren’t anticipating major damage. The United States is able [...]
Junior Sen. Daniel Akaka, 86, Not Seeking Re-Election After Just 20 Years In Senate
Hawaii Democratic Sen. Daniel Akaka will not seek re-election in 2012, the fifth Democratic or Democratic aligned incumbent to bow out already this election cycle. Way to cut and run, Akaka! At 86, you’re probably the second- or third-youngest person in the entire Congress! You shouldn’t be allowed to leave the Senate until you’re dead. [...]
An Open Letter To Birthers: Find a New Way To Question Obama’s Eligibility
Dear Birthers: It’s okay, I’m white. Listen up, you guys: I like what you’re doing. I do. It’s very entertaining. Even your name is funny! Your undying Birther devotion to your initial impulse that the president of the United States “doesn’t seem like he’s from around these parts” is adorable. But I’m afraid this birth [...]
Cellphone Shaman Will Help GOP Candidate Become Governor
Hawaii’s Republican gubernatorial candidate, James “Duke” Aiona, has a lot going for him: a cool nickname, cool hair, good looks, and years of experience as Hawaii’s lieutenant governor on his resume. But his biggest advantage against … whoever he’s running against is that he’s got a special preacher friend who can heal and anoint people, [...]
Border Governors Don’t Want To Party With ‘Nerd’ Jan Brewer
Traditionally, the governors of all the states on both sides of the U.S.-Mexico border (did you know that Mexico has “states,” with “governors”?) get together once a year to “celebrate border bonhomie … issue proclamations and pledges to work together, air grievances and concerns behind closed doors.” In other words, they drink unseemly amounts of [...]
BP Polluters To Pollute Prison, Possibly
Obviously — obviously — every single effort BP makes to try to stop the entire contents of the earth from barfing up into the Gulf of Mexico will fail, and miserably. This is making the Obama administration look bad, as they are supposed to be “in charge” but it’s not really their fault (except in [...]
Republican Wins Special Congressional Election in Hawaii, Exactly Like That ‘Lost’ TeeVee Show
Republican nobody “Honolulu City Councilman Charles Djou” won a special election in Honolulu on Saturday, taking 39% of the vote in a three-way contest against two Democrats. A major win for the GOP and the final proof that Barack Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii? Maybe! Also, there’s absolutely no way in Hell/Hawaii that this “Charles [...]
Goldman Sachs, The Bank, Will Be Put In Bank Jail
Were you all bummed out because the Goldman Sachs investigation was just this wimpy little civil suit from a bunch of bureaucrat nobodies at the SEC, whose only enforcement power is imposing tiny fines on impossibly rich people? Fear not! Now federal prosecutors are sniffing around this slimy cadre of villains. Soon there will be [...]
THIS IS A SERIOUS MEETING. HE DOES NOT ENJOY WEARING THESE CLOTHES. “The Republican National Committee winter meetings kicks off in Hawaii on Wednesday, but GOP Chairman Michael Steele — who picked the tropical location — insists there will be serious business involved. ‘Relax,’ Steele said while sporting a Hawaiian shirt and a flower lei. [...]
Felled Southern Slaveowner Could Plan Coup Against Michael Steele, In Hawaii
Former South Carolina GOP chair Katon Dawson wanted so bad to earn his nut as chairman of the Republican National Committee in last year’s hysterical six-dimensional gangbang of an internal election process, one that hilariously culminated in Michael Steele’s first-ever victory in any contest. Dawson yearned so much for this position that he even resigned [...]
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