Tag Archives: hawaii

  it was supposed to be a white wedding anyway

Tyrant Obama Makes War On Army Heroes’ Christmas Wedding

Looks terrible. Such a sad day for them.
Talk about a double bogie! Over the weekend, two Army captains who were scheduled to get married at the 16th tee of the Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course in Hawaii had to move the wedding at the last minute because President Golfing McTyrant wanted to play a round. INPEACH!!11!! etc. and so forth. Read more on Tyrant Obama Makes War On Army Heroes’ Christmas Wedding…
  My Heart's Crackin' Like A Krakatoa

Hawaii Congresslady Skips Out On Election Night Duty Just To Save State From Volcano, Lame.

Ooooh, hot lava!
This could get in the way of her election-night party: Hawaii congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, a Democrat running for reelection in the 2nd District, has been called up for duty in the Hawaii National Guard as it stands by to assist with possible evacuations from an area where the Kilauea volcano is eating up highways and farms and getting close to the outlaw town of Pahoa, on the eastern tip of the Big Island: Read more on Hawaii Congresslady Skips Out On Election Night Duty Just To Save State From Volcano, Lame….
  Inouye? Way.

Was War Hero Daniel Inouye Also That Secret Sexist Senator? NYT Says Yes!

Look, we know you were always looking for a lei...
The New York Times is pretty sure it’s outed the unidentified senior senator who grabbed Kristen Gillibrand’s waist after she’d lost some weight and chuckled, “Don’t lose too much weight now. I like my girls chubby!” According to “people with knowledge of the incident,” it was the late Daniel K. Inouye, who was a kickass war hero, civil-rights supporter and generally badass liberal in the Senate. And also, apparently, a bit on the harassy side. And no, we’re not going to make a “he was a man of his era” excuse for him, because by the time Gillibrand was elected to the Senate in 2008, Inouye certainly had seen the sexual harassment training film once or twice. Gillibrand’s office wouldn’t comment on whether the senator in the book was Inouye, but we’re going to assume — risky, we know — that the Times got it right. Read more on Was War Hero Daniel Inouye Also That Secret Sexist Senator? NYT Says Yes!…
  The Trouble With Timelords

Very Credible ‘Former Jihadist’ Saw Barack Obama Kissing Muslim Claus In A Mosque On Christmas

Don't be ridiculous -- Santa is white.
In a revelation that will be shocking proof to at least 12 or 13 wingnuts who were genuinely undecided on the question, we learn that Barack Obama has to be a Muslim because on Christmas, he totally attended a mosque in Washington DC instead of celebrating the Sacred Baby Festival like a real American. This revelation comes from rightwing darling Kamal Saleem, a fake ex-jihadist who is popular with some fundagelicals because he claims to have converted from being a radical Islamic terrist to doing Jihad for Jebus instead. Read more on Very Credible ‘Former Jihadist’ Saw Barack Obama Kissing Muslim Claus In A Mosque On Christmas…
  what what in the butt

Hero Hawaii Legislator Will Save Middle Schoolers From Terror Of Hearing The Word ‘Anus’

Hawaii, we were under the impression your legislative types were generally not, on the whole, anti-gay nutbars since they crammed gay marriage down the throats of the state last December. We should never forget, though, that there will always be that one squeaky and super-bigoted wheel, and that dude will bitch and moan until he gets his way. Enter Bob McDermott, a state representative who is really really afraid of the fact that some people like to take it up the ass, so much so that he needed to torpedo an entire sex ed curriculum over it. Read more on Hero Hawaii Legislator Will Save Middle Schoolers From Terror Of Hearing The Word ‘Anus’…
  smart solutions to today's pressing problems

Fort Lauderdale Will Magically Fix Homelessness By Stealing Homeless People’s Stuff, Basically

So what should you do if your town has a homelessness problem? Should you (a) increase city spending on things like affordable housing; (b) form some public-private partnerships to increase job possibilities; or (c) pass a law barring the homeless from leaving their filthy homeless possessions around anywhere? Oh fuck yes of course it is (c) for Fort Lauderdale, which is pretty certain that if you just take away the meagre possessions that homeless people have you can simultaneously strip them of the tiny amount of dignity they have left AND they homeless will just magically disappear and their city will be real pretty-like once again. Read more on Fort Lauderdale Will Magically Fix Homelessness By Stealing Homeless People’s Stuff, Basically…
  murder most incoherent

Dumbest Birther Claim Yet? Hawaii Health Director Couldn’t Fit In Own Casket, Says Birther, Proving…????

Yr Wonkette would just like to call on the conspiracy theorists of the world, especially the Birthers, to work a little bit on their communication skills. Case in point: this blog thing claiming that something is definitely wrong with a purported photograph of the open casket of Loretta Fuddy, the Hawaii state health director who verified Barack Obama’s birth certificate in 2011, and who died following a plane crash off the island of Molokai in December — Fuddy and the other people on the plane made it out and inflated their life vests, but she died of heart arrhythmia while waiting to be rescued. Obviously, since nothing in wingnutland ever just happens, she was probably murdered by the Obama administration. And now we have this amazing claim by blogger “Butterdezillion,” who has determined that the body in Fuddy’s casket is not hers, or it is, but she’s got somebody else’s hands or something, because the casket isn’t big enough to hold Fuddy, as plainly shown by photo analysis, proving that…um… well, damned if we really know, because this particular birther is such a bad writer that they haven’t made even the slightest attempt to explain what they think this proves. Read more on Dumbest Birther Claim Yet? Hawaii Health Director Couldn’t Fit In Own Casket, Says Birther, Proving…????…
  Steal My Sunshine

The Washington Times Has Found The Cause Of The Polar Vortex And It Is Michelle Obama

Are you part of the one-hundred-and-eleventy percent of America that is freezing right now? Have you barricaded yourself in your house and then set the house on fire, for warmth? Have you taken to wearing your pets as housecoats? Whose fault is that, hmmmmm? Is it global warming causing increasingly catastrophic weather? Is it a new ice age? Nope! It is Michelle Obama’s ravenous and careless need for sun on her bare arms, which everyone knows literally takes the sun away from you, you poor landlocked Midwestern bastard, and drops it on her sleeveless guns over in foreign Hawaii. Up until now, you weren’t sure that it was FLOTUS’ fault, though you had an inkling, but the Washington Times is here to connect the dots for you. Read more on The Washington Times Has Found The Cause Of The Polar Vortex And It Is Michelle Obama…
  through the looking glass...again

Obama Killing All Birth Certificate Cover-Up Related Witnesses In Desperate Attempt To Distract From Obamacare

What with all the other craziness that has gone on in Washington this fall, it only makes sense that Our Great Leader and Guiding Star of the Heavens Barack Obama would choose this moment to start quietly knocking off all the people involved in covering up the provenance of his obviously forged long-form birth certificate. Unless he is knocking off these people to distract from Obamacare, in which case, well played, El Jefe! Either way, INPEACH!! The murderous Thug-In-Chief apparently put the touch on one Loretta Fuddy, the state health director for Hawaii. Fuddy was the official who in April 2011 verified the authenticity of copies of President Obama’s birth certificate, which he then released to the public in a desperate attempt to derail the dogged investigations of super-sleuths like Orly Taitz and noted hairball Donald Trump. Fuddy was killed yesterday when the single-engine Cessna in which she was riding went down off the island of Molokai due to what the pilot described as “catastrophic engine failure.” Which is exactly what Obama would want us to think! Read more on Obama Killing All Birth Certificate Cover-Up Related Witnesses In Desperate Attempt To Distract From Obamacare…
  go to jail go directly to jail

Hero Hawaii Democrat Going Around Smashing Homeless People’s Stuff, Because They Are ‘Disgusting’ — Wait, What?

Hawaii News Now – KGMB and KHNL What the everloving fuck, Hawaii? You are so cool! You are HAWAII. Prezzy Bamz was born in you! You were multicultural before multiculturalism was Satan’s immigrant basket! Everybody is all mellow and high and gets along unless you are in Makaha or accidentally crash someone’s house party in Waipio Valley, in which case mad wahines might try to fight you and the cops don’t even go down there because they are scared of the 50 crazy people who live there and their feuds! At least, everybody is mellow and high and gets along except this state representative — AND DEMOCRAT — Tom Brower, who has been going around smashing homeless people’s fucking meager belongings, because of how homeless people are “disgusting” and he is going to solve the problem, WHAT! Read more on Hero Hawaii Democrat Going Around Smashing Homeless People’s Stuff, Because They Are ‘Disgusting’ — Wait, What?…
  if this doesnt work we'll call in dumbledore

Totally Sane Chicago Bishop To Exorcise Demons From Same-Sex Marriage Bill Signing

Well hello, GAYmerica. Because the frothy LGBT agenda is being smeared all over this great land, this little mommyblog has not been reporting on every state that legalizes gay marriage, which everyone knows is like poking G-d in the eye with your dick. However, some sorcerers bishops in a Chicago coven Church want to get all double double toil and trouble hocus pocus on Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn. When Quinn signs the same-sex marriage bill into law, Bishop Thomas Paprocki of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Springfield has graciously announced that he shall offer prayers for “exorcism in reparation for the sin of same-sex marriage.” This is just the kind of reaction that New Pope was hoping for when he sought to focus less on divisive social issues, so well done Bishop Paprocki.  Read more on Totally Sane Chicago Bishop To Exorcise Demons From Same-Sex Marriage Bill Signing…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup

Welcome to a special Labor Day edition of picked-up pieces, a baggy collection of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that we couldn’t quite manage a full post on. Or just didn’t wanna. At the top of the list, Tucker Carlson snoozing on the set of Fox & Friends, because there’s really not much more to say about it, other than “Hey, look at this professional teevee idjit sleeping on a couch!” Carlson’s thoughts on the matter were limited to “Is this honestly live?” and “I was having these happy thoughts and I dozed off … Is this honestly on TV?” There’s probably a metaphor here, we think.  Stay in school, kids. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup…
  blame canada

Canadian Ted Cruz Shocked — Shocked! — To Learn He Is Canadian

Ivy-league graduate and Harvard Law Review editor Ted Cruz is a startling example of how a Grade A Dumbass can become a U.S. Senator. From Texas, but it still counts. Apparently, despite attending Princeton for undergrad and Harvard for law school, this guy had no idea that being born in Canada makes one a Canadian citizen, even though he himself was that guy who was born in Canada and was therefore a Canadian citizen. If only there was some sort of World Wide InterConnected Web of Electronic Pages one could consult to learn about these things. Someone should get on that. Well, the dual-citizen is finally unburdening himself of his Canadian heritage, allowing him to proudly declare that he is an American and only an American. Per The Hill: “Now the Dallas Morning News says that I may technically have dual citizenship,” Cruz said in a statement. “Assuming that is true, then sure, I will renounce any Canadian citizenship.” Although technically, you are still a giant asshole, but we aren’t sure there is a form you can fill out to renounce that.  Read more on Canadian Ted Cruz Shocked — Shocked! — To Learn He Is Canadian…
  letters of note

Young Barry Obama Totally Tried To Mack On His Best Friend’s Main Squeeze, For Real

Time has some EXCLUSIVE prom photos of a young and suavay B. Barry Bamz, so we will let you go on over there for your fapping, because EXCLUSIVE should mean something, dammit! But we will pick up this photo, because PLAYER BARRY totally hitting on his best friend’s girlfriend, WHUT? He is all you are so foxy let us totally bone while Greg is away, I will take you for a meal of the most erotic delights, basically. Let us read it, together, and imagine Young Beezy taking us away from our own dumb idiot boyfriends, who are dumb idiots! Kelli, It has been so nice getting to know you this year. You are extremely sweet and foxy1, I don’t know why Greg would want to spend any time with me at all2! You really deserve better than clowns like us; you even laugh at my jokes3! I hope we can keep in touch with each other this summer, even though Greg will be gone. Call me and I’ll buy you lunch sometimes4. Anyway, good luck in everything you do, and stay happy. Your friend, Love [heart] Barry Obama Read more on Young Barry Obama Totally Tried To Mack On His Best Friend’s Main Squeeze, For Real…
  Shazam!

Your Afternoon Nice Time: Jim Nabors Gay-Marries Longtime BFF, Civilization Still Standing

In Seattle yesterday, actor and permanent fixture of grandparents’ record collections Jim Nabors married Stan Cadwallader, his companion of 38 years, which means that the two have had a successful relationship that has lasted longer than any of Newt Gingrich’s marriages, or all of Donald Trump’s put together. The couple travelled from their home in Hawaii to marry in Seattle, because Hawaii hasn’t quite caught up with Washington in extending marriage equality; at home, their marriage will at least be recognized as a “civil union.” Read more on Your Afternoon Nice Time: Jim Nabors Gay-Marries Longtime BFF, Civilization Still Standing…
  o'really?

Bill O’Reilly Has Some Thoughts About Asians, Pinheads

We now take a brief programming break from mourning the continuing state of affairs in Congress to mourning the continuing state of affairs on Fox News, where Bill O’Reilly has, startlingly, revealed that he might have some incorrect assumptions about American race relations. He has, bless his heart, moved on from Hispanic moochers and onto Asian-Americans, who, traditionally, are not as moochy. From yesterday’s show, during a discussion about Hawaii: But you know what’s shocking? 35 percent of the Hawaiian population is Asian, and Asian people are not liberal, you know, by nature. They’re usually more industrious and hard-working. Yes! Asians are wonderful, hard-working people, not liberals. After the jump, we shall evaluate whether this statemnt is accurate. (Shocking spoiler: It is not.) Read more on Bill O’Reilly Has Some Thoughts About Asians, Pinheads…
  burn her

Michelle Obama Bogarting All The Christmas Trees

Well, this is very sad. Apparently, History’s Greatest Monster Michelle Obama has neither shat upon the face of the smiling Baby Jesus by naming her Christmas trees “holiday African witchdoctor spear missiles” nor covered her Christmas trees in hypodermic needles and Stalin. How, then, is a hack of many talents to take great umbrage with the way the Black Queen decorates for the pagan festival of Yule? We will let hack nonpareil Andrew Malcolm find a way! Read more on Michelle Obama Bogarting All The Christmas Trees…
  but when did she stop beating her wife?

America’s Favoritest Deadbeat Dad Joe Walsh Wins Re-Election With Spy Photo Of Opponent Picking Out Dress

Sorry, guys, but GAME OVER. Illinois Congressman and paragon of personal responsibility Joe Walsh has handily defeated his opponent even with four weeks or whatever left to go. How did he do this? By holding up, during their debate, a photo of his opponent picking out a dress to wear at the Democratic National Convention, where she would be giving a speech. Wait a minute, she? His opponent’s a lady? And his big GOTCHA is that she wore a dress? Do not try to wrap your puny mortal brains around what goes on in the mysterious silence of Joe Walsh’s skull. He’s ineffable, and unknowable, and a crazy motherfucker. Like God! Read more on America’s Favoritest Deadbeat Dad Joe Walsh Wins Re-Election With Spy Photo Of Opponent Picking Out Dress…
  beyond the sea

Politicians From America’s Weirdo Unattached States Form Unholy Alliance

There has often emerged from the American electorate a sort of vague, inchoate idea that more “bipartisanship” is needed in our politics. Elitists who are heavily connected to the financial services industry but are cool with abortion and gay people think, completely incorrectly, that this indicates that there’s room for some sort of middle ground third-party, when it probably actually just means that people want Congress to not treat every little vote about trade policy or whatever like it’s the debate over the Fugitive Slave Act, and at least pretend to be nice to each other. Sadly, the only elected officials still capable of doing this come from the dispersed American Pacific Empire, as we can see in a new ad in which a Republican congressman from Alaska endorses a Democratic congresslady for Hawaii, for Senate. What terrible debts are being repaid over the course of this low-budget 90-second ad? Read more on Politicians From America’s Weirdo Unattached States Form Unholy Alliance…
  the sheriff always gets his man

Joe Arpaio Proves Beyond Reasonable Doubt: Barack Obama Was Never Born

We can’t believe we forgot to watch the “live stream” of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s press conference — which wasn’t on the teevee because of how the media is colluding to protect the illegal alien “president” — and he has some news! In fact, Arpaio’s “posse” of investigators into the national security threat (true quote!) that is B. Hussein are so good at their jobs, they even found the 95-year-old former state employee who signed Bamz’s birth certificate in the first place! But wait! If they found the employee who signed it coming up on 51 years ago, wouldn’t that mean it hadn’t been forged? Oh you sweet, simple thing. No. You see, “It’s the codes.” Read more on Joe Arpaio Proves Beyond Reasonable Doubt: Barack Obama Was Never Born…
  i love the '80s

George H.W. Bush Flunky Still Mad About Democrats And Their Weed

Before George H.W. Bush became America’s lovable old “sensible Republican” grandpa, he was an angry, out-of-touch Republican president, who was flabbergasted to lose in ’92 to a fat pot-smoking southerner whom he publicly called a “bozo.” For most of his term, Bush’s chief of staff was unpleasant former New Hampshire Governor John Sununu, who was eventually fired (on George W. Bush’s suggestion) because he used government jets for personal travel to ski resorts, constantly. Probably he was very upset to not get to participate in the campaign against crazed reefer fiend Bill Clinton, so he’s super excited, in his current role as Romney’s “surrogate” (don’t worry, this means he talks up Romney on TV, not that he is carrying Mitt’s baby) to just totally slam on Barack Obama for being high all the time! Read more on George H.W. Bush Flunky Still Mad About Democrats And Their Weed…