Tag Archives: harry reid

  pick a bale of cotton

Cliven Bundy Has Some Thoughts About Negroes (Hint They Are Bad Thoughts)

Grazing fees scofflaw Cliven Bundy must be feeling pretty confident now that the Bureau of Land Management has backed down on seizing his cattle, he’s surrounded by his own armed militia and his heroism has earned him a three-week-long blowjob from the wingnut media. So confident, in fact, that he decided to expound on some other issues that have been on his mind, apparently since at least the 1950s. “I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro,” he said. Mr. Bundy recalled driving past a public-housing project in North Las Vegas, “and in front of that government house the door was usually open and the older people and the kids — and there is always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch — they didn’t have nothing to do. They didn’t have nothing for their kids to do. They didn’t have nothing for their young girls to do. And because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do?” he asked. “They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.” Yeah, why didn’t those poor blacks in North Las Vegas teach their young ‘uns to pick cotton and then send them to work the fields in some cotton-producing region of the United States? They could have a family life, all sitting around together in a barn or a tarpaper shack at the end of the workday, rubbing their blisters while they sing uplifting songs. Those families that haven’t been sold off piecemeal to other cotton plantations, anyway. Read more on Cliven Bundy Has Some Thoughts About Negroes (Hint They Are Bad Thoughts)…
  don't want to start any blasphemous rumours

Pat Robertson’s God Is A God Who Hilariously Punishes People With Power Outages

So apparently back on Wednesday there was a massive power surge that knocked out power to the US Capitol for 30 minutes or so, thanks to apocalypse-level winds of 47 miles per hour. It wasn’t just the Capitol either, as thousands across the region were affected too. Now, if you are a normal person, your thoughts about this are “weather sucks, man” or perhaps even “wow, severe storms really are getting worse thanks to climate change.” But if you are Pat Robertson, you think that God did this to punish Senate Dems and to show off his wacky side. Read more on Pat Robertson’s God Is A God Who Hilariously Punishes People With Power Outages…
  does getting a blowjob count as job creation?

Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention

Even though our Kenyan Dictator B. Barry Bamz was re-crowned only last year, it is already time to start thinking about the next Presidential election, which also means it is still time to stab ourselves in the eye with a spork everytime Chris Cillizza soils the pages of the Washington Post with the latest meaningless poll about 2016 hopefuls. But before the GOP can keep minorities from voting in 2016, there have to be official nominating conventions where actors talk to empty chairs or something. Cities fight hard to get picked for the conventions because prestige money. And one city vying for the Republican convention is Las Vegas, Nevada. But our old pal Stormin’ Mormon Harry Reid is throwing some cold water on those prospects, per the Reno Gazette-Journal: “I have been supportive of them on that,” Reid said about the push to bring the GOP convention to Las Vegas, “But that (prostitution) would be an issue.” There are unconfirmed reports that Sen. David Vitter (R-John) is going to personally investigate these prostitutes to see if they will be a distraction.  Read more on Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention…
  still obtuse

Sharron Angle Pretty Sure She Is The Senior Senator From Nevada, Actually

We all had a bit of a sad when crazy Sharron Angle and her Second Amendment solutions lost her challenge to Harry Reid back in 2010. Oh, sure, Harry’s competent and an effective Majority Leader and, significantly, not full-bugfuck crazy. But Sharron Angle was entertaining, with her nutso call — long before the election of course, not after — for armed insurrection if she lost, and her fear that Harry Reid would unleash cocaine-crazed monkeys upon the populace, and her charmingly casual ethnic slurs about those Messican kids who look Asian to her. Happily, she’s just as unhinged as ever, and in an appearance on the Nevada Newsmakers teevee show Thursday insisted that voter fraud is rampant, just completely rampant in U.S. America, and for all she knows, maybe she really won in 2010. It’s just a rhetorical question, mind you. But maybe that happened? Because even though study after study shows that voter fraud is extremely rare, she knows better than to trust studies, because for one thing, they downplay all the voter fraud she just knows is out there. Read more on Sharron Angle Pretty Sure She Is The Senior Senator From Nevada, Actually…
  that's so gay

Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays

Marriage is the most sacred institution of all the institutions ever instituted by god and America’s Founder Jesus “Whitey” Christ exactly 6,000 years ago. Unfortunately, members of the Grand Old Party are looking to limit the federal government’s recognition of some marriages, specifically those that involve an excessive number of dicks and those that contain no dicks at all. Texas’s Rep. Randy Weber (R-Dick) is leading the charge to “prevent the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages for couples who live in states that do not permit these unions,” according to The Hill. We here at Wonket are disappointed in such a RINO approach to gay marriage. If Weber really cared, he would be pushing for a Constitutional Amendment totally disenfranchising Americans instead of this bullshit piecemeal approach to disenfranchisement.  Read more on Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  nice time!

Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!

While 2013 certainly kept all the womyn busy in the kitchen baking shitmuffins, there were some bright and awesome spots where legislators on the national stage groped around to find long-lost sets of (gender-neutral) testicles and stood up for everything that is right and just in this world. In order to honor those men and women who encouraged us to step slowly away from the ledge, we have created the most coveted award in all the land: Legislative Badass of the Year. Despite tough competition from both chambers, we proudly present this year’s award to… ELIJAH CUMMINGS! Before we salivate and slobber and talk up this year’s champ, we have to give mad props (is that still a thing? We don’t know because old) to several runners-up who made us smile and feel good in all the right places. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!…
  still illegal in virginia

The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013

Like most years when there’s a Democrat in the White House, 2013 was a year of things getting rammed, crammed, jammed, shoved, and/or forced down our (America’s) throats. How big were the things? So big. Were they hard to swallow? Oh yes. But somehow, freedom will endure, we guess. Here is a list of 13 tyrannies that made patriots gag in 2013: Read more on The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013…
  friday nice time

Bipartisan Nice Time: House Members Try To Stop Global Violence Against Women

A bipartisan group of House representatives just reintroduced the International Violence Against Women Act (IVAWA). Yes, you read that correctly — there are Democrats AND Republicans who have bridged the cavernous divide on an issue as basic as trying to stop violencing womyns around the world. Join us after the jump to have your heart warmed by the likes of Representatives Jan Schakowsky (D-IL), Richard Hanna (R-NY) and Chris Gibson (R-NY).  Read more on Bipartisan Nice Time: House Members Try To Stop Global Violence Against Women…
  sandwiches

BREAKING: Cheap Moocher Joe Biden Begs For Cash To Buy Sandwiches IMPEACH!

In case you missed the most important news of the day because you were busy watching Sen. Harry Reid (D-Bikini Atoll) nuclear bomb the Senate — metaphorically — we bring you this extremely important story. Mark your calendars, because you will definitely want to tell your grandchildren where you were when this OUTRAGE!!!!! happened. (Trigger warning for outrage): Read more on BREAKING: Cheap Moocher Joe Biden Begs For Cash To Buy Sandwiches IMPEACH!…
  then he stomped downtown tokyo

What Is Even Going On With This Nuclear Option Balls-Out Filibuster Vote Thingie

Did you tune into C-SPAN2 this AM to watch an epic rap battle between Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell, two of the best rhetoricians the Senate has ever produced? Of course you did! Except the whole time you were just whisperyelling at your computer “do it, Harry. Do. It. DO IT AND DROP THE NUCLEAR OPTION HAMMER.” Yes, Harry Reid grew a pair and finally decided to change the filibuster rules so that Mitch and his merry band of nihilists couldn’t just say “naw mang, we don’t like that dude because Democrat. Consider this our filibuster while we go back and take a nap.” Majority vote, baby! Up or down like God intended. Read more on What Is Even Going On With This Nuclear Option Balls-Out Filibuster Vote Thingie…
  same senate different day

Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism

Cory Booker, welcome to the Senate. On a day better known for scary costumes, you are one good-looking piece of eye-candy that we are very excited to see more of! And you were sworn in by the only man in the Senate we would like to bone more harder, Old Handsome Joe Biden, playing his oft-overlooked role of President of the Senate. What kind of treats does the Senate have in store for you today? Well, less than an hour after being sworn in, you got to cast your first votes. But your recent victory streak came to a screeching halt, per WaPo: Senate Republicans on Thursday blocked a vote on the nomination of Rep. Mel Watt (D-N.C.) to lead the Federal Housing Finance Agency.  The Senate voted 56-42 to proceed to a vote on Watt’s nomination — shy of the 60 votes required to end debate. Welcome to the Senate, Cory, where a ‘majority’ of 42 Senators get to hold up the people’s business. Democracy is a strange thing, sometimes. Read more on Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism…
  where overpromising meets underperforming

Senate GOP Rolls Up Sleeves, Gets To Work Blocking Every Obama Appointment

After a gloriously fulfilling celebratory circle-jerk for not ‘killing the hostage’ of the global economy, the Senate took a well-deserved two-week vacation. Unfortunately, tradition requires that they come back and find new ways to grab headlines without actually doing anything. While the Senate GOP would like nothing more than to get medieval on Ted Cruz’s ass for dropping their approval numbers slightly lower than a Christmas stocking full of Santorum, our hero Stormin Mormon Harry Reid is going to try to accomplish something, per Politico: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) said on Tuesday he intends to push ahead on six nominations, several of which are proving controversial among Republicans. What could possibly go wrong?  Read more on Senate GOP Rolls Up Sleeves, Gets To Work Blocking Every Obama Appointment…
  gossip girls

If Harry Reid Doesn’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit By Us

Harry Reid is telling tales again, and we could not love him more. He’s been fingered (gross) as the gossip girl behind the rumor that Rep. Pete Sessions told Barack Obama, to his face, in the White House, “I cannot even stand to look at you.” Wait a minute, a TEXAN being rude to a BLACK MAN? Unpossible. Is it true? Untrue? There is simply no way to ever know despite the fact that everyone who was actually there is denying it faster than Peter denied Christ. Even the White House is all, “nah mang nah mang no way and stuff.” But they WOULD say that. Because in order not to look like a giant pussy when getting told off in your own Executive Mansion, you would then have to slap Pete Sessions in the face and challenge him to a duel. And really, Professor B. Friedrich Bamzenhauer is not going to murder you unless he puts you into a coma with his droning, lecturing, professory words. But why do we believe Harry Reid? Besides because “we want to”? Let’s sexplore! Read more on If Harry Reid Doesn’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit By Us…
  meet the new boss

Harry Reid Is Your New Grandmaster Of Senate Chess

Harry Reid is not perfect, as he’ll be the first to tell you. Second to tell you will be your Wonket, your Wonkette, and all of les enfants terrible who would leave comments here, if we allowed those. It’s a three-way tie of telling you second. That said, we can’t think of anyone who’s more responsible for last night’s favorable resolution to the government shutdown/debt limit fiasco than Harry Reid. The Senate’s bill, passed last night by the House and signed by our benevolent dictator B. Barry Bamz, reflected Democratic preferences on the timing of the next debt limit and continuing resolution fights. Republicans also agreed to return to regular budget order, so the next time Congress guts social insurance it will be regular and orderly, thank goodness. Let’s explore how Harry Reid got us here, and why he is your latest nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Badass of the Year award, which will likely never be awarded, because we forgot. Read more on Harry Reid Is Your New Grandmaster Of Senate Chess…
  same as it ever was

Our Long National Nightmare Put Off A Few Months As Debt Ceiling Raised, Government Funded

On this momentous occasion of the worst possible thing not happening, let’s not concern ourselves overmuch with winners (Democrats, America) and losers (the Tea Party, rank idiocy). Instead, let’s celebrate. Government by extortion has been rejected. A global financial panic has been averted, the United States retains its role as an economic leader, and the dollar remains the world’s reserve currency — for now. Maybe Fitch will still downgrade our credit rating, but who cares? When Standard & Poor’s downgraded us in 2011, borrowing costs actually fell, remember that? Oh, and the same thing happened in Italy. It’s almost as though people don’t trust the judgments of the credit rating agencies who said subprime-backed securities were AAA Would Invest Again can’t-miss licenses to print money. Weird… Where were we? Oh yeah. Democrats win! America wins! Tea Party loses! Ted Cruz 2016! Read more on Our Long National Nightmare Put Off A Few Months As Debt Ceiling Raised, Government Funded…
  here is my offer: nothing

Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies

Shutdown day 11! Hope you have been getting your Government Shutdown Bonus Card stamped every day, because 12 shutdown days earns you one free voter repression in the swing state of your choice! (Wonkette is going with a minority college kid in North Carolina.) Well, yesterday saw President Obama meeting with top GOP lawmakers at the White House to Not Negotiate an end to the GOP shutdown over repealing Obamacare defunding Obamacare delaying Obamacare stubbornness? Who knows anymore. But good news! “We had a useful meeting. We agreed to continue discussions,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) said upon returning to the Capitol. A useful meeting AND more discussions!!1! Just the fact that there is a conversation happening sent stocks rising faster than Rick Santorum’s peener when he dreams of coupling with Ronald Reagan’s corpse. Let’s sexplore what deal may be cooking.  Read more on Shutdown Saga Maybe Possibly Coming To An End, Ha Ha, Just Kidding Dummies…
  what is this bababooey.com anyway?

Deleted Comments Of The Day: President Jesse Ventura Meets Poe’s Law

We know you guys love some good old-fashioned derp in these columns, and we aim to please. But frankly, we have to confess that we can’t quite tell if this item from the comment queue is an actual example of Jesse Ventura-lovin’ wingnuttery, or a clever parody of same. “Shweatypalms” writes, in reply to our recent story about a possible (yeah sure) run for president by the former wrassler, Minnesota governor, and X-Files guest star, with Howard Stern for Veep: Some of these comments can’t be real. Seems like a bunch paid internet trolls. Ventura/Stern would be the best thing in that shit hole called the white house in, idk, 40 fucking years? Poe’s Law strikes again! Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: President Jesse Ventura Meets Poe’s Law…
  quiet rooms

Harry Reid: I Already Compromised With Boehner On Amount Of Funding, In Private, Like A Gentleman

Harry Reid sat down with Dana Bash after he did not actually tell her that he hates cancer kids, but kinda did tell her she was being “reckless and irresponsible” in front of her peers, which was not very nice. Here he leads with: “You know I am not known for being real ‘articulate,'” and no he did not actually do air quotes but we are trying to describe it for you in case you don’t want to watch four minutes of Harry Reid saying all the right things but saying them So Badly. Here’s the main thing, though: People want Harry Reid to compromise with John Boehner? Harry Reid is way ahead of them. Dude compromised in “the first part of September,” which is like, four parts ago! Say what? Read more on Harry Reid: I Already Compromised With Boehner On Amount Of Funding, In Private, Like A Gentleman…
  charm offensive

Harry Reid Won’t Negotiate, Won’t Cure Childhood Cancer, Won’t Quit Being Awesome

So far this has been a week of shaking our heads at flop-sweating Republicans twisting themselves into rhetorical pretzels as they try to explain why this government shutdown that is very obviously their fault is not actually their fault. Meanwhile, the conservative press has been laboring dutifully to record any equivalent cringe-worthy word salad from Democrats, and it looks like the Washington Free Beacon has got a live one! Here’s Harry Reid telling Dana Bash to tell all the cancer kids to go Cheney themselves after Bash asked a question about a standalone bill to fund the National Institute of Health: BASH: But if you can help one child who has cancer, why wouldn’t you do it? REID: Why would we want to do that? I have 1,100 people at Nellis Air Force base that are sitting home. They have a few problems of their own. This is — to have someone of your intelligence to suggest such a thing maybe means you’re irresponsible and reckless – BASH: I’m just asking a question. Aw, Harry Reid made Dana Bash blush with his ornery badgering charm. But really — why would Harry Reid want to do that? Do kids vote? Do kids make political contributions? C’mon, Dana, this ain’t your first rodeo. But does she have a GOTCHA? Would you believe NOT AT ALL, because LIE OF OMISSION? POLITICO, make yourself useful: Read more on Harry Reid Won’t Negotiate, Won’t Cure Childhood Cancer, Won’t Quit Being Awesome…
  how can you vote against popcikles & honeycooked ham turkey?

House Republicans Adopt New ‘Cakes We Like’ Strategy For Funding Government

As we roll into a second day of mostly shut-down government, House Republicans have introduced an exciting new way to avoid accomplishing anything useful: instead of passing a continuing resolution (CR) to allow government to function, they’re introducing a number of bills to fund popular chunks of the federal government, like national parks, the Department of Veterans Affairs and municipal operations for the District of Columbia (OK, maybe not that popular nationwide, but members of Congress don’t like it if their trash isn’t picked up). Apparently the goal is to try to embarrass Democrats by offering to fund stuff that everyone agrees is good and nice while holding the rest of the government’s funding hostage in an attempt to defund or delay Obamacare. Oh look, here is Yr Doktor Zoom’s very own congresscritter, Mike Simpson, telling Democrats to recognize that a law passed in 2010 is still open to negotiation: “What you need to do is quit holding the national parks, the Smithsonian, the Holocaust Museum and others hostage to your desire to shut down the government — that’s what’s going on here,” he said. “You think we’re holding the Affordable Health Care Act hostage? You’re holding our national parks hostage.” Simpson’s campaign staff is already printing up the bumper stickers that say “I know you are but what am I?” Read more on House Republicans Adopt New ‘Cakes We Like’ Strategy For Funding Government…
  man is that chicken tired

Your Morning Wonkdate On Congress’s Continued Fight For Title Of Most Embarrassing National Legislature

Wow you guys, yesterday sure was a fun day for democracy and we have so much to talk about this morning! What was your favorite part of the great SHUTDOWNGHAZI!!1!!??? Was it that time when the Senate, a body not known for moving with anything approaching alacrity, took less than an hour to strip three amendments from a House continuing resolution and send it back to the unruly chamber accompanied by a sneer and two giant raised middle fingers from Harry “The Stormin’ Mormon” Reid? Was it Peter King – Peter King and no we don’t mean the Sports Illustrated guy – briefly almost becoming the voice of reason and leading a revolt of moderates in getting a “clean” CR through the House? Was it the House Rules Committee meeting that apparently devolved into a sixth-grade girls locker room, with tired (and possibly drunk) representatives just stone-cold hurling insults at each other? (Rep. Jim McGovern, to whom we are sending reelection monies posthaste, told the GOP members on the committee that “people in your party should put grown-up pants on” and also wanted to know if “your Senator from Texas” had signed off on the plan they were debating. Meow, kitty can scratch!) Read more on Your Morning Wonkdate On Congress’s Continued Fight For Title Of Most Embarrassing National Legislature…