Tag Archives: harry reid

  We Have Always Been At War With Ebola

Idiots Blocked Obama’s Surgeon General Nominee. Thanks Obama!

We make the *other* poor dumb bastard die of Ebola
Important news from the “I know Obama’s an obstructionist, what am I?” front. Missouri Sen. Roy Blunt explained on Meet the Press Sunday why America doesn’t have a Surgeon General during this here Ebola outbarack: turns out that it doesn’t have anything to do with the National Rifle Association whining that mean old Surgeon General nominee Vivek Murthy will take away all the guns, and Republicans like Blunt vowing to vote against confirming him. Not at all! It’s all Barack Obama’s fault, of course, for being so irresponsible as to nominate someone the NRA doesn’t like: Read more on Idiots Blocked Obama’s Surgeon General Nominee. Thanks Obama!…
  dropouts

Kansas Dems Make Dirty Deal to Defeat Pat Roberts By Quitting

pat says please stay chad
Image via video from roberts.senate.gov Kansas Democrats are calculating, power-hungry animals who will stop at nothing in their quest to deny a fourth term in the Senate to kindly old vagabond Pat Roberts. They’ll make deals with anyone as long as it ends in Pat’s defeat, and they would think nothing of engaging in such reprehensible tactics as sending a letter, notarized, to the Kansas Secretary of State, unilaterally withdrawing from the race. Read more on Kansas Dems Make Dirty Deal to Defeat Pat Roberts By Quitting…
  bring the family

Clip And Save: Your Patriot Bingo Card!

  ATTENTION, LOVERS OF FREEDOM! We assume we’ll be seeing all of you Real Americans Saturday at noon. What’s that? You have plans to spend your Labor Day weekend eating warm potato salad by the lake, maybe burning some lawn clippings in defiance of local ordinances? To that we say NO. We do not give one good goddamn about your pre-marinated grillin’ steaks or your non-refundable cabin rental. Your presence is required elsewhere. Read more on Clip And Save: Your Patriot Bingo Card!…
  Stop making us talk about it some more

Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself

RINO
We have some BREAKING NEWS to report on the developing story of the vast left-wing conspiracy “scam” to force Republicans to talk about impeaching President Obama even though they do NOT want to talk about that at all, no sir. Seriously, they don’t want to talk about it. They really don’t want to talk about it. Truly, you cannot find a single Republican who wants to talk about impeaching the president. And yet, when asked on Monday whether Mike Huckabee, who supposedly is a Republican, believes the president is “worthy of impeachment,” the Huck did not say, “Don’t be ridiculous, that’s absurd, come ON, man.” Which is what you’d think a so-called Republican would say when asked about impeaching the president, since NO Republicans actually want to impeach the president, wink wink nudge nudge say no more. But, strangely, the Huck did not say that. Instead: Read more on Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself…
  Bondage and Dummy Nation

Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama

The safeword is
The House passed both of its super-tough immigration bills last night, so they can now go home to their constituents and brag about how they stuck it to those scary diseased border-crossing children. And along the way, Michele Bachmann was so excited about the prospect that she dabbled in a bit of rhetorical excess. Yes, we know you are astonished. Read more on Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama…
  sit! stay! roll over! good girl

Grifty Tea Party Chick Will Put Ethics Complaint In Harry Reid’s Permanent File

For a bunch of gun-toting, Gadsden-flag-waving, Galt-going, war-loving, Arab-bombing, independent, self-made, self-reliant, pull-themselves-up-by-the-bootstraps tough mudders, the Tea Party sure comes off like a bunch of thin-skinned nancy boys much of the time. Case in point: the ethics complaint filed by the Tea Party Patriots against Sen. Harry Reid for the high crime and misdemeanor of grievously wounding the Koch brothers’ fee-fees. The group filed the complaint with the Senate Ethics Committee (Ethics in the Senate! Stop, you’re killing us!) on Monday. As of Tuesday, there is no word on whether Reid is still laughing uproariously, or if his guffaws have tapered off into the occasional snicker accompanied by an amused head-shake. Read more on Grifty Tea Party Chick Will Put Ethics Complaint In Harry Reid’s Permanent File…
  having a ball

Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles

Oh man, guys, this Cliven Bundy thing is getting out of control. Despite his blatant racism and strong desire for the government to keep their hands off his welfare cattle, Cliven Bundy STILL has supporters. And not only do they support Bundy being a total moocher, they HATE Harry Reid. And now, these ‘domestic terrorists’ have gone one step too far: They have threatened Harry Reid’s wrinkly, hairy old-man yarbles. NOT HIS YARBLES!!1! Per Mediaite: [Mike] Vanderboegh presented an award “for incitement to civil war” in Reid’s honor and warned the senator, “Don’t poke the wolverine with a sharp stick, Harry, unless you want your balls ripped off.” We are asking Wonketeers to take one of two actions: Either send Harry Reid wolverine-resistant jock straps, or donate to the Wonket Fund To Protect Harry Reid’s Wrinkly Old-Man Nutsack (Suggested donation: $2, one for each yarble).  Read more on Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles…
  pick a bale of cotton

Cliven Bundy Has Some Thoughts About Negroes (Hint They Are Bad Thoughts)

Grazing fees scofflaw Cliven Bundy must be feeling pretty confident now that the Bureau of Land Management has backed down on seizing his cattle, he’s surrounded by his own armed militia and his heroism has earned him a three-week-long blowjob from the wingnut media. So confident, in fact, that he decided to expound on some other issues that have been on his mind, apparently since at least the 1950s. “I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro,” he said. Mr. Bundy recalled driving past a public-housing project in North Las Vegas, “and in front of that government house the door was usually open and the older people and the kids — and there is always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch — they didn’t have nothing to do. They didn’t have nothing for their kids to do. They didn’t have nothing for their young girls to do. And because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do?” he asked. “They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.” Yeah, why didn’t those poor blacks in North Las Vegas teach their young ‘uns to pick cotton and then send them to work the fields in some cotton-producing region of the United States? They could have a family life, all sitting around together in a barn or a tarpaper shack at the end of the workday, rubbing their blisters while they sing uplifting songs. Those families that haven’t been sold off piecemeal to other cotton plantations, anyway. Read more on Cliven Bundy Has Some Thoughts About Negroes (Hint They Are Bad Thoughts)…
  don't want to start any blasphemous rumours

Pat Robertson’s God Is A God Who Hilariously Punishes People With Power Outages

So apparently back on Wednesday there was a massive power surge that knocked out power to the US Capitol for 30 minutes or so, thanks to apocalypse-level winds of 47 miles per hour. It wasn’t just the Capitol either, as thousands across the region were affected too. Now, if you are a normal person, your thoughts about this are “weather sucks, man” or perhaps even “wow, severe storms really are getting worse thanks to climate change.” But if you are Pat Robertson, you think that God did this to punish Senate Dems and to show off his wacky side. Read more on Pat Robertson’s God Is A God Who Hilariously Punishes People With Power Outages…
  does getting a blowjob count as job creation?

Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention

Even though our Kenyan Dictator B. Barry Bamz was re-crowned only last year, it is already time to start thinking about the next Presidential election, which also means it is still time to stab ourselves in the eye with a spork everytime Chris Cillizza soils the pages of the Washington Post with the latest meaningless poll about 2016 hopefuls. But before the GOP can keep minorities from voting in 2016, there have to be official nominating conventions where actors talk to empty chairs or something. Cities fight hard to get picked for the conventions because prestige money. And one city vying for the Republican convention is Las Vegas, Nevada. But our old pal Stormin’ Mormon Harry Reid is throwing some cold water on those prospects, per the Reno Gazette-Journal: “I have been supportive of them on that,” Reid said about the push to bring the GOP convention to Las Vegas, “But that (prostitution) would be an issue.” There are unconfirmed reports that Sen. David Vitter (R-John) is going to personally investigate these prostitutes to see if they will be a distraction.  Read more on Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention…
  still obtuse

Sharron Angle Pretty Sure She Is The Senior Senator From Nevada, Actually

We all had a bit of a sad when crazy Sharron Angle and her Second Amendment solutions lost her challenge to Harry Reid back in 2010. Oh, sure, Harry’s competent and an effective Majority Leader and, significantly, not full-bugfuck crazy. But Sharron Angle was entertaining, with her nutso call — long before the election of course, not after — for armed insurrection if she lost, and her fear that Harry Reid would unleash cocaine-crazed monkeys upon the populace, and her charmingly casual ethnic slurs about those Messican kids who look Asian to her. Happily, she’s just as unhinged as ever, and in an appearance on the Nevada Newsmakers teevee show Thursday insisted that voter fraud is rampant, just completely rampant in U.S. America, and for all she knows, maybe she really won in 2010. It’s just a rhetorical question, mind you. But maybe that happened? Because even though study after study shows that voter fraud is extremely rare, she knows better than to trust studies, because for one thing, they downplay all the voter fraud she just knows is out there. Read more on Sharron Angle Pretty Sure She Is The Senior Senator From Nevada, Actually…
  that's so gay

Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays

Marriage is the most sacred institution of all the institutions ever instituted by god and America’s Founder Jesus “Whitey” Christ exactly 6,000 years ago. Unfortunately, members of the Grand Old Party are looking to limit the federal government’s recognition of some marriages, specifically those that involve an excessive number of dicks and those that contain no dicks at all. Texas’s Rep. Randy Weber (R-Dick) is leading the charge to “prevent the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages for couples who live in states that do not permit these unions,” according to The Hill. We here at Wonket are disappointed in such a RINO approach to gay marriage. If Weber really cared, he would be pushing for a Constitutional Amendment totally disenfranchising Americans instead of this bullshit piecemeal approach to disenfranchisement.  Read more on Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  nice time!

Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!

While 2013 certainly kept all the womyn busy in the kitchen baking shitmuffins, there were some bright and awesome spots where legislators on the national stage groped around to find long-lost sets of (gender-neutral) testicles and stood up for everything that is right and just in this world. In order to honor those men and women who encouraged us to step slowly away from the ledge, we have created the most coveted award in all the land: Legislative Badass of the Year. Despite tough competition from both chambers, we proudly present this year’s award to… ELIJAH CUMMINGS! Before we salivate and slobber and talk up this year’s champ, we have to give mad props (is that still a thing? We don’t know because old) to several runners-up who made us smile and feel good in all the right places. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!…
  still illegal in virginia

The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013

Like most years when there’s a Democrat in the White House, 2013 was a year of things getting rammed, crammed, jammed, shoved, and/or forced down our (America’s) throats. How big were the things? So big. Were they hard to swallow? Oh yes. But somehow, freedom will endure, we guess. Here is a list of 13 tyrannies that made patriots gag in 2013: Read more on The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013…
  friday nice time

Bipartisan Nice Time: House Members Try To Stop Global Violence Against Women

A bipartisan group of House representatives just reintroduced the International Violence Against Women Act (IVAWA). Yes, you read that correctly — there are Democrats AND Republicans who have bridged the cavernous divide on an issue as basic as trying to stop violencing womyns around the world. Join us after the jump to have your heart warmed by the likes of Representatives Jan Schakowsky (D-IL), Richard Hanna (R-NY) and Chris Gibson (R-NY).  Read more on Bipartisan Nice Time: House Members Try To Stop Global Violence Against Women…
  sandwiches

BREAKING: Cheap Moocher Joe Biden Begs For Cash To Buy Sandwiches IMPEACH!

In case you missed the most important news of the day because you were busy watching Sen. Harry Reid (D-Bikini Atoll) nuclear bomb the Senate — metaphorically — we bring you this extremely important story. Mark your calendars, because you will definitely want to tell your grandchildren where you were when this OUTRAGE!!!!! happened. (Trigger warning for outrage): Read more on BREAKING: Cheap Moocher Joe Biden Begs For Cash To Buy Sandwiches IMPEACH!…
  then he stomped downtown tokyo

What Is Even Going On With This Nuclear Option Balls-Out Filibuster Vote Thingie

Did you tune into C-SPAN2 this AM to watch an epic rap battle between Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell, two of the best rhetoricians the Senate has ever produced? Of course you did! Except the whole time you were just whisperyelling at your computer “do it, Harry. Do. It. DO IT AND DROP THE NUCLEAR OPTION HAMMER.” Yes, Harry Reid grew a pair and finally decided to change the filibuster rules so that Mitch and his merry band of nihilists couldn’t just say “naw mang, we don’t like that dude because Democrat. Consider this our filibuster while we go back and take a nap.” Majority vote, baby! Up or down like God intended. Read more on What Is Even Going On With This Nuclear Option Balls-Out Filibuster Vote Thingie…
  same senate different day

Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism

Cory Booker, welcome to the Senate. On a day better known for scary costumes, you are one good-looking piece of eye-candy that we are very excited to see more of! And you were sworn in by the only man in the Senate we would like to bone more harder, Old Handsome Joe Biden, playing his oft-overlooked role of President of the Senate. What kind of treats does the Senate have in store for you today? Well, less than an hour after being sworn in, you got to cast your first votes. But your recent victory streak came to a screeching halt, per WaPo: Senate Republicans on Thursday blocked a vote on the nomination of Rep. Mel Watt (D-N.C.) to lead the Federal Housing Finance Agency.  The Senate voted 56-42 to proceed to a vote on Watt’s nomination — shy of the 60 votes required to end debate. Welcome to the Senate, Cory, where a ‘majority’ of 42 Senators get to hold up the people’s business. Democracy is a strange thing, sometimes. Read more on Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism…
  where overpromising meets underperforming

Senate GOP Rolls Up Sleeves, Gets To Work Blocking Every Obama Appointment

After a gloriously fulfilling celebratory circle-jerk for not ‘killing the hostage’ of the global economy, the Senate took a well-deserved two-week vacation. Unfortunately, tradition requires that they come back and find new ways to grab headlines without actually doing anything. While the Senate GOP would like nothing more than to get medieval on Ted Cruz’s ass for dropping their approval numbers slightly lower than a Christmas stocking full of Santorum, our hero Stormin Mormon Harry Reid is going to try to accomplish something, per Politico: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) said on Tuesday he intends to push ahead on six nominations, several of which are proving controversial among Republicans. What could possibly go wrong?  Read more on Senate GOP Rolls Up Sleeves, Gets To Work Blocking Every Obama Appointment…
  gossip girls

If Harry Reid Doesn’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit By Us

Harry Reid is telling tales again, and we could not love him more. He’s been fingered (gross) as the gossip girl behind the rumor that Rep. Pete Sessions told Barack Obama, to his face, in the White House, “I cannot even stand to look at you.” Wait a minute, a TEXAN being rude to a BLACK MAN? Unpossible. Is it true? Untrue? There is simply no way to ever know despite the fact that everyone who was actually there is denying it faster than Peter denied Christ. Even the White House is all, “nah mang nah mang no way and stuff.” But they WOULD say that. Because in order not to look like a giant pussy when getting told off in your own Executive Mansion, you would then have to slap Pete Sessions in the face and challenge him to a duel. And really, Professor B. Friedrich Bamzenhauer is not going to murder you unless he puts you into a coma with his droning, lecturing, professory words. But why do we believe Harry Reid? Besides because “we want to”? Let’s sexplore! Read more on If Harry Reid Doesn’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit By Us…
  meet the new boss

Harry Reid Is Your New Grandmaster Of Senate Chess

Harry Reid is not perfect, as he’ll be the first to tell you. Second to tell you will be your Wonket, your Wonkette, and all of les enfants terrible who would leave comments here, if we allowed those. It’s a three-way tie of telling you second. That said, we can’t think of anyone who’s more responsible for last night’s favorable resolution to the government shutdown/debt limit fiasco than Harry Reid. The Senate’s bill, passed last night by the House and signed by our benevolent dictator B. Barry Bamz, reflected Democratic preferences on the timing of the next debt limit and continuing resolution fights. Republicans also agreed to return to regular budget order, so the next time Congress guts social insurance it will be regular and orderly, thank goodness. Let’s explore how Harry Reid got us here, and why he is your latest nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Badass of the Year award, which will likely never be awarded, because we forgot. Read more on Harry Reid Is Your New Grandmaster Of Senate Chess…