Wonkette

The nation’s most historic nomination race in the history of History may be coming to an end today, but probably not, because Hillary Clinton can’t call it quits until she has figured out how to get her campaign out of tens of millions of dollars of debt. According to one shadowy source, the reason she’s staying in the race is “not about the vice-presidency or any other position she might get. It’s about the money – in particular the Clinton family money.” She shouldn’t worry too much, though, because a mere eight years ago Bill left office with an estimated $12 million in debt — and presto, after less than a decade of whoring around with Ron Burkle he’s back on top of the world! What will Hillary do to recoup her own debts, short of selling her hair and teeth? MORE »

Can Obama do it? Can Hillary force herself to lose? Every reporter in the country is scanning e-mails, harassing sources, divining from “expense reports,” following travel schedules, monitoring clandestine superdelegate meetings, et cetera et cetera and so forth, to see what’s gonna happen tomorrow. Here’s a bulleted list of tea leaves being read. Our guess? Hillary herself has not even considered making a plan yet. MORE »

“WASHINGTON (AP) - Democratic party officials said a committee agreed Saturday on a compromise to seat Michigan and Florida delegates with half-votes after Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton failed to get enough support to force their positions through.”

Fair, great, it’s over, HOORAY! But… MORE »

Hillary’s election strategy is legendarily flawed, what with it making her lose and all. Look at the classic fable of New Jersey and Idaho on Super Tuesday: Hillary puts all her time into winning the big state, ignores Idaho, while Obama holds one mega-rally in Boise. She wins New Jersey’s delegates 59-48 (+11, for those of you who hate Elite Math) while Obama win’s Idaho’s delegates 15-3 (+12). Was it just stubbornness, or did she think she would win New Jersey by a larger amount? A new Time article reveals that this poor strategy stemmed from the simplest possible explanation: Chief Strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn had no idea what “apportioned delegates” were. He literally did not know the rules of the Democratic party’s nominating process. MORE »

Now that Mark Penn has been stuffed in a spider hole with a box of Ho-Hos and a well-thumbed issue of Juggs, Hillary Clinton won’t have to worry about him ruining anything else for her until September. In the meantime, she can worry about Harold Ickes — the campaign adviser and borderline exhibitionist who’s waging a harassment campaign on uncommitted superdelegates. MORE »

The Washington Post really outdid itself today — cheers to the Washington Post! In a long feature, we learn that all of the various Evil Clinton Advisers hate each other, but they mostly just hate Mark Penn, a.k.a. the Lizard King Bowser. Everything you thought was happening in Clinton’s camp is fully confirmed, which somehow makes it less true. MORE »

Hooray for Hillary — she won Texas and Ohio yesterday but made absolutely no inroads into Obama’s insurmountable pledged delegate lead! What’s next? According to everyone’s favorite senior adviser Harold Ickes, pledged delegates don’t matter, because they are not bound and will vote for Clinton when Obama is revealed to be behind 9/11 & terror. MORE »

Many Democrats are worried about the party’s doom scenario that might result from big Clinton wins today: Hillary Clinton will do anything to win the nomination, and that may include staying in the race! But the silly Democrats have nothing to worry about, because very soon the various Clinton advisers will have destroyed each other, and Hillary will be a roving cat lady trying to find her way home. First Harold Ickes blamed the campaign’s failures on Mark Penn, then Mark Penn blamed it on Harold Ickes, Patti Solis Doyle and anyone who isn’t himself. Now Team Hillary’s chairman, Terry McAuliffe, is telling Penn to shut his fat Bowser mouth. MORE »

Last week, Clinton senior adviser Harold Ickes ripped chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn’s stranglehold over the campaign. By most professional standards, it was very inappropriate. But now the bile and sludge that composes 95% of Penn’s body is boiling to the surface in response. He says he wasn’t in charge of everything, not at all! He was just some outside dude who’d phone in witty maxims and inspirational haiku when Clinton asked. MORE »

Hmm, you’d think that one of Hillary Clinton’s top advisers would wait until after their horrible losses on March 4 to distance himself from that flaming trainwreck of a campaign, right? Then again, it’s never too soon to start prepping for new jobs, and Harold Ickes has one foot out the door. In an interview with the New York Observer, Ickes speaks with harsh candor about the failure that is “chief strategist” Mark Penn, that slovenly toad, and how he pretty much is responsible for the world’s problems. MORE »