Tag Archives: halloween

  flotus files

FLOTUS Devises Evil Plan to Save Election, Through Exercise

Today, most of America’s children are happily sedated from an all-night candy binge conditioning exercise. They are taking their giant pillowcases of winnings to school and bragging about who scored more free Snickers bars, because that is the meaning of Freedom. But this is not the case for the children who were subjected to a fruity Halloween at the world’s most terrifying haunted house — a big, white mansion inhabited by a socialist Kenyan, his power-hungry wife, and their vicious zombie watchdog, Bo Obama. The Halloween catastrophe gave Michelle a brilliant idea, and now our FLOTUS is spending the next 24 hours weeding out the nation’s fatties, so they can’t make it to the polls. Read more on FLOTUS Devises Evil Plan to Save Election, Through Exercise…
  white house night of horror

Michelle Obama Feeds Children ‘Dried Fruit’ at White House Halloween ‘Party’

Happy Halloween! Did you take advantage of the one day on which you can worship Satan and pass out razor blade candy, without feeling the least bit guilty? Well that’s very comforting, because possibly thousands of small children attended a White House Halloween veggie potluck, and it was probably the worst night of their young lives. There is overwhelming evidence that this so-called White House Halloween Rave was actually just Michelle Obama handing out bags of dried fruit. Dried fruit? (“Muslim Skittles”?) We hope more than anything that those kids chose “trick” and then egged the shit out of the White House. Or maybe they ate all the dried prunes and then took massive poops on the White House lawn, out of spite. That would also be appropriate. Read more on Michelle Obama Feeds Children ‘Dried Fruit’ at White House Halloween ‘Party’…
  cartoon violence

Happy Halloween Midterm Horror!

By the Comics CurmudgeonHooray, Tuesday will be the election, for real! Then we won’t ever have to worry about politics ever again, at least until mid-January, when Speaker Boehner orders us all to be rounded up and put in camps for “security purposes.” But until then, here is a fun cutting-edge political observation for you: did you ever notice that Election Day and Halloween are close together? It’s funny because for one of these celebrations we encourage our children to participate in pagan rites and worship demons, and for the other we elect John Boehner speaker, apparently. Also, both events feature monstrous human-animal hybrids, that people sometimes have sex with! Let’s take a look. Read more on Happy Halloween Midterm Horror!…
  wonkette world o' books

Your Wonkette Guide To Terrifying Halloween Reading!

Rejoice, Wonketeers, for Halloween is nearly upon us! In keeping with the spirit of this sexy witch-burning holiday, Wonkette World o’ Books is going to try something a bit different this week. Instead of reviewing one shameful/inept book, we’ll simply recommend a few different books, none of them explicitly about politics but all helpful in illuminating the Horror and Devilry of our nation’s public life. Read on, and questions will be answered! Questions like: What can studies of witchery teach us about Christine O’Donnell? Also: if Tea Partiers and other folks want to cut government spending so badly, why doesn’t our military save money by becoming more like Dr. Fu Manchu?  Read more on Your Wonkette Guide To Terrifying Halloween Reading!…
  dress up time

Where In DC To Spot Masturbating Witches This Halloween

Would you look at that, it’s time for Halloween. Perhaps you are putting the finishing touches on your Sexy Sarah Palin/Tina Fey Costume, or is that not *in* this year? So maybe you’re going to dress up as the BP Oil Spill? Or a failed mortgage? Or maybe you’ve chosen some other semi-political witty Concept, TeeVee Personality or Event In History for your costume? This Halloween, hopefully you will join us for our First Annual Wonkette Horror Bar Night, but what about after that? Thankfully, we are service-y journalists, so go have a “fun but safe” Halloween by doing what we tell you to do. Read more on Where In DC To Spot Masturbating Witches This Halloween…
  cocktober surprise

Some Weird Guy Says He Got Naked With Christine O’Donnell Once

Who is mackin’ on Christine O’Donnell here in this crappy bar somewhere with Philadelphia Eagles posters on the fake paneling? Why is she rocking the “sexy insect” costume? Didn’t she know Halloween is for Witches? Well, whatever masturbating happened on this night was of the “mutual” variety, according to the anonymous author of this Gawker post about having a “one-night stand” with Christine O’Donnell, America’s sexy 41-year-old Delaware Water Witch. Read more on Some Weird Guy Says He Got Naked With Christine O’Donnell Once…
  ohio is for nazis

John Boehner To Play Nazi Dress-Up With Dress-Up Nazi

Ohio Republican YOUNG GUN (middle-aged white man) congressional candidate Rich Iott is well-known now for the revelation that he likes to spend all his free time wearing Nazi costumes and prancing around pretending to be a Nazi. So obviously no Republican leader would appear in public with this man, correct? WRONG. John Boehner is showing off the moral values he will have as House Speaker, and those values are 1) drinking wine a lot, 2) crying whenever, and 3) the God-given right to wear a Nazi uniform at all times. Thus, on Saturday, mere days before Election Day, but not even on Halloween, Iott is holding an official campaign rally with John Boehner. Good politics or great politics? Read more on John Boehner To Play Nazi Dress-Up With Dress-Up Nazi…
  sure why not

Come To Wonkette’s Friday Night Horror Bar Night!

Will you be “in town” this weekend, maybe on Friday night? Well then you are invited to Wonkette’s first annual Halloweenie Whore Benefit, which is actually just a bar night we’re throwing together — and there is a Costume Party, too, so all you ladies have another chance to wear that “Christine O’Donnell Witch on a Flying Vibrator” costume you just can’t seem to take off. And guys, you have another chance to wear some awkward thing nobody really gets, or just go in normal clothes and claim to be “the guy who used to be in Pavement.” (Haha, when did anybody ever think that was funny?) Anyway, 6 o’clock on Friday, at the “Big Hunt” in Dupont Circle. Wonkette will be in the “Devil’s Kitchen,” haha, for Satan. Read more on Come To Wonkette’s Friday Night Horror Bar Night!…
  happy being offensive to minorities day!

Missouri Man Displays Festive Lynched Black and KKK Ghost In Yard

Happy Halloween, America! So what are you going to come as to our blog costume party next week (which is back ON), Wonketteers? The lynched figure wearing a white yokel’s old work clothes or the giant KKK salt shaker? Both are obvious winners. [Raw Story via Wonkette operative “Monsieur Grumpe”] Read more on Missouri Man Displays Festive Lynched Black and KKK Ghost In Yard…
  friend of dorothy

O’Donnell Regrets Witch Ad, Wants To Kill Witches & Dress As Dorothy

Delaware masturbation witch and constitutional scholar Christine O’Donnell finally did another teevee interview! It is super boring, but we’ll post it just in case you (like most Americans) have a lot of time on your hands. Better to watch a dull ABC News interview with jobless sex activist Christine O’Donnell rather than let your idle hands be led by the devil to your genitals! Because that is certainly not one of the “Five Guys’ Freedoms” in the amendment thingy O’Donnell learned about at Hogwarts. But does she regret the ridiculous “I’m not a witch” commercial that provided America with so much comedy during these long last weeks of the midterm campaign? Yes she does! More importantly, she has been thinking a lot about her Halloween costume. Read more on O’Donnell Regrets Witch Ad, Wants To Kill Witches & Dress As Dorothy…
  goldfinger

Obama Begins Personally Robbing Taxpayers

What, you didn’t make enough money from your million-dollar book deals, Mr. Spender-in-chief? Police said a man wearing a mask of President Barack Obama robbed the Sheetz on Somerset Center Drive at about 3:24 a.m. on Wednesday. Read more on Obama Begins Personally Robbing Taxpayers…
  first annual wonkette costume ball

Now Some Other Comedians Will Do National Mall Rallies

Will this be terrible? Probably! But the crowds are likely to be much sexier then Glenn Beck’s sad old slob-followers: Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have announced competing rallies on the National Mall, on October 30. The character Colbert plays will be leading a “Keep Fear Alive” march, while Stewart’s sad anchorman character will lead the “Rally To Restore Sanity.” So …. Wonkette will hold a counter counter rally, perhaps with Christine O’Donnell and the Divinyls performing their awesome ’80s ’90s hit, “I Touch Myself.” Do we have video of this? Read more on Now Some Other Comedians Will Do National Mall Rallies…
  sexy beasts

Bonus/Emergency Children’s Treasury: Al & Tipper Gore Dressed As Sex Monsters

Whoa we were just stopping by MSNBC for a moment to watch the Israeli Ambassador lie about killing people again, and then what’s her name, Alan Greenspan’s wife, just cold started showing pictures of Al and Tipper Gore dressed up as sex monsters for orgies. What is going on here? Oh right, it was the 1980s. Will Allah ever forgive America for the 1980s? No, no she won’t. B-) So, werewolves! We bet Al Gore boned the hell out of Tipper in this get-up! Ugh? Read more on Bonus/Emergency Children’s Treasury: Al & Tipper Gore Dressed As Sex Monsters…
  wicca in the white house

In Obama’s America, Thanksgiving Is Just Halloween Again, Forever

Looks like the Wonkette photo desk was pretty much abandoned during your managing editor’s long absence, which basically means nobody was raiding the White House Flickr feed for easy comedy blog postings, so forgive us if we GO BACK IN TIME to a special day that is really every single day for all Americans forever: Halloween. Read more on In Obama’s America, Thanksgiving Is Just Halloween Again, Forever…
  photo tours

A Children’s Treasury Of Wonkette Readers’ ‘Political Halloween Costumes’

Oh look, we’ve finally written “this post.” Thank you to all of the operatives who sent in sexy pictures of their vulgar pagan bacchanalia dress. Our favorite would have to be this one from “J.R.’s friend Ross,” dressing up as ol’ orange tar-lungs, John Boehner. MILLIONS MORE, below. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Wonkette Readers’ ‘Political Halloween Costumes’…
  psa

Happy Celebration Of Hell, Dear Readers!

For the second straight year, your Wonkette and operative “Roommate Rob” would like to remind you, the delicate readers, not to get murdered this weekend. Can it happen? Anything can happen, on Halloween. [YouTube] Read more on Happy Celebration Of Hell, Dear Readers!…
  political costumes

HALLOWEEN IDEAS: Dress Like A Popular Internet Picture

Operative “Sam G.” sends us this gritty look at his “political Halloween costume,” of the popular Internet picture that launched 1,000 ships. His Internet friends will get it! If you like the idea of dressing as a wingnut Internet picture, this is your year! Read more on HALLOWEEN IDEAS: Dress Like A Popular Internet Picture…
  political costumes

Sexy Toilet Teabagger Halloween Party!

Ohio player Tony Walker sends us this picture of a super-scary Halloween yard display, in his yard, in Ohio. “I stole the TeaBagger style for the sign (lettering and such) but restructured the message to a leftest/socialist theme,” Tony types to us. So is this our first “costume picture” of Halloween Eve? Come on people, send your political fun costume pix NOW. But don’t go as “Sexy Nancy Pelosi” because that one’s taken … by Nancy Pelosi! Read more on Sexy Toilet Teabagger Halloween Party!…
  food/booze news!

14th Street Wins The Gentrification Wars and Oh, Yeah It’s Halloween

Today through Sunday, November 22: While everyone else is selfishly eating candy and putting together super creative costumes for Halloween, Rosa Mexicana is using the day to honor the dead, because that’s what they do in Mexico. The restaurant has put together a special menu for the occasion, including such delicacies as pumpkin margaritas and stews with duck and other tasty animals.  [Day of the Dead Celebration] Read more on 14th Street Wins The Gentrification Wars and Oh, Yeah It’s Halloween…
  wonkette contests

Send Wonkette Your ‘Political Halloween Costume’ Pixxx!

Unless you are “really into Jesus,” you will be celebrating the annual pagan bacchanal Hell-o-ween in just three days! We hear that “Mother-daugher slutty nurse combo paxxx” have been selling out at all drug stores nationwide, so what should you wear instead? How about a “political costume,” since you all love politics so much. You can be a famous politician like Joe Lieberman (with a knife in the back of the skull, for a nice touch?), or you can go as a concept, like, “Death Panels.” (Or just dress as nothing and watch teevee all night, who gives a shit?) But if you do have a “political costume” this year, please send us your sexy photos through the rest of the week, and we will convert them into easy posts and give you “iPhones.” TIPS@WONKETTE.COM. Read more on Send Wonkette Your ‘Political Halloween Costume’ Pixxx!…