Tag Archives: halloween

  Sue the bastard

Will Christian DJs Go To Hell For Celebrating 60-Year-Old Gay Dudes’ Birthdays?

Jesus was a party animal.
Time for a dispatch from the ever-changing, goalposts-moving definition of the phrase “religious freedom.” All these whiny bitchy wingnuts have been protesting that they DO NOT EITHER hate the gays, but it violates their Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs™ to do things like “participate in” gay weddings, by making cakes or flowers or pizzas for them. And if you make them do that, you are literally Holocausting them, and they know Jesus will send them right to hell for it, because Jesus Is Love. So here’s a story that will show y’all what a lie that is! Read more on Will Christian DJs Go To Hell For Celebrating 60-Year-Old Gay Dudes’ Birthdays?…
  nice time!

Enjoy The Hell Out Of This Little Girl Telling A Street Preacher To Shut! UP! (Video)

You know those guys who stand on the street, or maybe even ring your doorbell just when you’re sitting down to dinner, to Biblesplain how you are going to Hell, where you will burn forever and ever, unless you take their pamphlets? Sure you do, and you know you want to scream at them to shut up already, but you probably don’t do that because you are A Lady. Read more on Enjoy The Hell Out Of This Little Girl Telling A Street Preacher To Shut! UP! (Video)…
  Here have some news n stuff

GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement

Convicted killers for Lee Terry
Convicted killer Nikko Jenkins, from a Lee Terry ad Rep. Lee Terry of Nebraska is a real piece of work. He’s one of the charming fellas who insisted, during the government shutdown, that he was special and, unlike the rest of America, he really needed his paycheck because he, unlike the rest of America, had “a nice house and a kid in college.” Then he said he was sorry for saying that, he didn’t mean to seem like a total jerkwad, it’s not how he was raised.Being a jerk in all the other ways, however, is how he was raised, it seems, because he’s never apologized for his long voting record of being an anti-woman, anti-children, anti-gay, anti-healthcare, anti-everything jerk. Or for running some disgusting ads this election cycle, blaming his Democratic opponent, Brad Ashford, for the four murders committed by Nikko Jenkins after being released early from prison under the state’s “good time” policy. According to Terry’s campaign, there was nothing wrong with suggesting that it was basically Ashford’s fault that four people were dead — a charge so despicable, even former Republican National Chairman Michael Steele condemned the campaign.So it’s quite fitting that this week, during a competency hearing to determine whether none other than convicted Nikko Jenkins is competent to be sentenced to the death penalty (which is a whole other discussion for a whole other day), Jenkins endorsed, that’s right, Lee Terry: Read more on GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement…
  Listicles Are Still A Thing Right?

Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You

We want your brains
This is you: “I want to dress up for Halloween but I’m lazy and have bad ideas. Can you help?” Probably not, but let’s take a crack at it anyway. Here are nine “easy” costume ideas for you to briefly consider before you just give up and go as whatever you were last year again (a loser with a bad costume). DISCLAIMER: Please do not actually attempt any of the following costumes, especially the ones involving bodily harm. Read more on Nine Easy Halloween Costume Ideas That Won’t Get You Laid And May Kill You…
  Dia De Los Dipshits

Kirk Cameron Proves Pagans Tried To Steal Halloween From Baby Jesus

Could be Baby Jesus, could be mummies. Your call
Onetime teevee actor Kirk Cameron, getting into the spirit of the pre-Christmas movie release season, gave a very exciting interview to the Christian Post, in which he revealed that Halloween is a 100 percent Christian festival of 100 percent Christian origins. Read more on Kirk Cameron Proves Pagans Tried To Steal Halloween From Baby Jesus…
  commercialism at christmas makes baby jesus cry

Sarah Palin To Celebrate Poor Hippie Socialist Jew’s Birthday By Not Finishing Tour To Sell Her Crappy Book

With Halloween behind us, there is a crisp, fresh feeling in the air. The kind of feeling that can only mean one thing: time to start capitalizing on other people’s deeply held religi-political beliefs to rake in boatloads of cash. Up in the sky, with a sleigh being pulled by flying caribou, is our favorite half-time grifter, the Original GILFster herself, Sarah Palin, per Politico: Next Tuesday, the former vice presidential candidate will embark on a 15-city tour to promote her new book, “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas.” Wonkette places the odds of her completing the book tour at 47%.  Read more on Sarah Palin To Celebrate Poor Hippie Socialist Jew’s Birthday By Not Finishing Tour To Sell Her Crappy Book…
  luntz it up

Weird Youtube Proves High School Teacher Didn’t Call Trick-Or-Treaters The N-Word, Despite Media’s Evil Lies

Tipster “Nicholas” writes: Would someone figure this out, and then explain it to me in writing on an internet site? Sure, no problem, “Nicholas!” [watches video] [picks brain off floor] [stuffs it back into skull via nostrils] [passes out] [wakes up in a stranger’s bed] [dressed as a minotaur] [me, not him] [has aneurysm] [is dead, and lamented by her loving fambly] [Thanks, NICHOLAS] Read more on Weird Youtube Proves High School Teacher Didn’t Call Trick-Or-Treaters The N-Word, Despite Media’s Evil Lies…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cache Of Crazy

Happy Saturday, Wonkaroonies, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, where we stomp on a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite enough to do a full post on, to squeeze out whatever funny may still be in them. If the mixture tastes a little off, add booze. (This almost exactly how they make “Sunny Delight.”) Item Numero Uno is not strictly Political Derp, but we do Media Derp, too. Plus it is from Yr Dok Zoom’s own hometown of Boise, Idaho. On Thursday, KIVI teevee sportsball guy Paul Gerke did his entire four-minute segment in costume and character as Ron Burgundy, which we understand was a character played by the great comedic actor “Kevin Nealon.” It’s just about the most press that our fair city has gotten since the Broncos won the Siesta Bowl sportsball tournament a few years ago, so we are obliged to write about it. Thanks for the national attention, Deadspin! Nice for Idaho to get some attention that involves neither neo-nazis nor Senator Widestance. Video after the jump, for those of you who are into celebrity impressions that add a Minnesota accent to a character that didn’t originally have one. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cache Of Crazy…
  They Did the Derpy Mash

Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows’ Eve Edition

Hey-ho, Wonkerinos and Wonkerinas! Here we are at the day before Halloween, and as usual, some people are just cold insisting on celebrating the coming holiday by hanging bats in their belfries. Let’s have a look: Read more on Derp Roundup: Special All Hallows’ Eve Edition…
  start 'em young

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Tips For The Wealthy Edition

TRIGGER WARNING AND SPOILER ALERT: Both Maureen Dowd and Thomas Friedman appear to be on vacation and did not drop any pearls of wisdom all over this week’s Sunday New York Times. We are disappoint. Still here, though: Ross Douthat, so we’ll get by, God willing. Also, too, there are many things about Halloween, all of which we will ignore except to note that indeed if we did have a child we would dress it like an evil Chucky doll because otherwise what is the point of raising children? Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Tips For The Wealthy Edition…
  first thing we do let's kill all the joggers

What Are The Christianists Saying About Getting Kidnapped By Satanists Today?

From the people who brought you unrefudiated proof that George Bush Sr. was a Nazi infiltrator and traitor to the Republic who was always stone cold drinkin’ tea with Mengele comes this timely reminder not to let yourself get kidnapped by Satanists. Well? You heard her! STOP GETTING KIDNAPPED BY SATANISTS, YOU GUYS. Read more on What Are The Christianists Saying About Getting Kidnapped By Satanists Today?…
  like taking candy from a baby

Fox News Pedobear Steals Children’s Candy To Teach Valuable Lesson About Kenyan-Islamo-Socialism

Oh conservative blogger and Fox News contributor Steven Crowder, Pedobear, really? That is how you are dressed while you steal children’s candy to “redistribute” it to make your waggish point about taxes = theft or whatever your bullshit is today? Sadface, Steven Crowder. Sadface! But let us get on to the “meat” of your “argument.” Is it as clever and hilarious as your thing about Batman? (No. Nothing could ever be as hilarious as that — except the time you went all icky about finally porking your bride after you were like a 30-year-old virgin or something, which was the funniest thing in the world. (Oh, that one was you being sincere about how superior the two of you were to all those lusty drunky fornicators? Our “bad.”) Read more on Fox News Pedobear Steals Children’s Candy To Teach Valuable Lesson About Kenyan-Islamo-Socialism…
  and then he eated them

Nanny State RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Cancels Children’s Holiday, Inpeach!

We told you yesterday about the (currently unlinkable!) terrible, horrible things RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said about His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney. (Namely, he told him to eat a dick, and had “no interest” in hosting him for a natural disaster photo op. Then he ate the dick of Barack Nobummer a bunch for not being terrible at hurricanes.) But what horrible thing has he done now? He has canceled Christmas Halloween! Just because of a little bilgewater/mass destruction! Instead, the poor children of New Jersey will be putting on their scary Barack Obama masks a week later, on November 5 or something — yes, Electione’en! Why does Chris Christie hate the sound of children’s laughter and joy?  Read more on Nanny State RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Cancels Children’s Holiday, Inpeach!…
  bad manners

VA GOPers Send Charming Halloween Picture of Obama Shot In Head

The prankster Republican Committee officials of Loudoun County, Virginia decided to invite families to their local Halloween parade this year with a photo montage featuring Barack Obama with a bullet hole in his head, just to inject a little holiday-themed murder fun into the stale mix of vulgar anti-Obama right-wing mass email tropes. HILARIOUS! Read more on VA GOPers Send Charming Halloween Picture of Obama Shot In Head…
  flotus files

Evil Obama Destroys FLOTUS’ Healthy Halloween

The holidays are a difficult time for any couple. In America, “the holidays” usually refers to that special time of year when the baby Jesus returns to cast spells on all the Walmarts so he can watch insane sweatpants-clad parents kill each other over whatever Furby the kids are freaking out about these days. But since the Obamas are secret Muslim devil-worshippers (ha ha, no one knows the difference between these two things) their holiday season is Halloween. Tensions are running high in the Obama household tonight as our FLOTUS’ desire to put America on a diet has been threatened by that other Obama, who is desperately trying to get anyone, literally anyone, to like him, at the expense of his wife’s anti-obesity initiative. Read more on Evil Obama Destroys FLOTUS’ Healthy Halloween…
  this is halloween

Foreclosure Mill Law Firm Costume Fun: Dress As Homeless Families

The first reaction most decent people will have when seeing these pictures of last year’s Halloween costume party at the foreclosure mill law offices of Steven J. Baum is overwhelming disgust and nausea, followed by an overwhelming desire to storm these offices on Monday and “make an example.” But the employees of Steven J. Baum are, ultimately, wage slaves to the institutionalized cruelty and dehumanization that defines America’s economic system. The people pictured here look like legal assistants and secretaries and paralegals and receptionists and file clerks and low-level litigators, all probably underwater on their own mortgages and all much closer to economic catastrophe than they’d care to admit — this firm is in a suburb of Buffalo, after all. It is crucial that the Steven J. Baums of the world force their own wage slaves into opposition against the rest of the nation’s wage slaves. This is why Oakland’s police officers, many of them military veterans, are so ready to viciously attack other military veterans. It’s why a “Tea Party” of Ron Paul supporters was hijacked by the billionaire Koch Brothers and turned into a manufactured outrage of middle-class whites against middle-class whites (and the minorities and lower classes, as always). Read more on Foreclosure Mill Law Firm Costume Fun: Dress As Homeless Families…
  jesusween

Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives

Oh oh what to “be” for Halloween this year, tomorrow, when the big party happens somewhere? This is an annual problem for America’s infantile, sexually repressed adults — when you aren’t “being anything” during the rest of the year but a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate — so we are here to help. For example, here’s a super easy “Sexy Newt Gingrich Behind the Zoo” costume you can put together with a real-hair Newt Gingrich full-head mask from the surgery supply store and a bunch of stuffed animals you can easily find behind any hospital. Read more on Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives…
  rickroll

Here’s the Complete, Hilarious First Rick Perry Ad, Where He’s Dressed as Marlboro Man

Still trying to get Rick Perry’s “sausage rickroll” commercial out of your brain? How about the entire original campaign spot that produced the sausage fest’s closing shots of Perry inexplicably dressed in a full Halloween costume of a cowboy: Read more on Here’s the Complete, Hilarious First Rick Perry Ad, Where He’s Dressed as Marlboro Man…
  uhhh

White Lady Can’t See Why Black ‘Scarecrow’ Hung By Noose Is Racist

A racist nutjob prankster in Brooklyn thought Halloween-tyme would be the perfect occasion to hang a black dummy from a city tree by a noose and hope everyone would pass off a creepy lynching as a spooky “scarecrow,” for laffs and racism. HAR HAR? No, black residents were mysteriously not entertained by the joke, and the cops were forced to show up to cut it down, just like in the olden days. But one white lady wants to know why everyone has to ruin the fun! Read more on White Lady Can’t See Why Black ‘Scarecrow’ Hung By Noose Is Racist…