Better fire up your modems and log into your AOL account (or Prodigy for you hipsters). Time for another look at the ruinous near-decade of prosperity under Bill Clinton, as refracted through the Truthiness Lens of rightwing Christian textbooks. This week, foreign affairs! (And next week, we’ll get to the other kind.)

Almost 650,000 Haitians have contracted cholera since a giant earthquake struck the island in 2010. This is kind of a weird thing to have happened, since cholera is caused by a bacterium called Vibrio cholerae and not by being shaken around a lot and watching your house fall down. Cholera wasn’t a widespread problem in […]

Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of Desaline Victor. Who is Desaline Victor? “At age 102, it’s possible Desaline Victor is the oldest guest […]

Japan raised the nuclear alert level at Fukushima from four to five on a seven-point international scale for atomic incidents, making this nightmare just two “points” away from Chernobyl! (That’s a nice way to imagine it, in “points.” Just like in College Basketball March Madness!) The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency referred to […]

We are fairly certain that George W. Bush is currently touching stuff in Haiti, but new photos have surfaced that suggest maybe he is also still in Texas shaking hands with troops returning from war, via CNN Hologram. Isn’t it special that George Bush is willing to touch other people, even though he hates it […]

Matt Yglesias illustrates the ironic nature of our permanent occupation of Iraq with a special Alanis Morissette song! [Matt Yglesias] Remember Dan Maes, the Colorado Tea Party man who exposed the U.N. conspiracy that would have forced the entire city of Denver to ride around on an enormous Tandem bicycle? Dan Maes’ comments were taken […]

The out-of-control Patriot Act allowed one of Obama’s best friends, a BLACK BEAR, to waltz into some poor family’s home, eat their fruit, and steal one of their most precious toys, ALL WITHOUT A WARRANT. [Daily Intel] As predicted in the Bible and on Glenn Beck’s chalkboard, we will all be tattooed with barcodes and […]

Some states in our union haven’t learned that runoffs are unnecessary (WE THINK WE HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT THE GUY WITH THE MOST VOTES WINS ONE TIME) and are gay-European, and these states happen to be in very Republican areas of the nation! Results tonight will be COMIN’ IN from the Carolinas, Mississippi, and Utah, as […]

Watch closely as RedState concludes what health care reform is really about (Hint: commie mind control!). [RedState] John Boehner is featured in a hot new will.i.am remix by DJ Librul, and Boenher’s melodic screaming doesn’t even require “the auto-tune!” [AMERICAblog] Two charitable hipsters from Brooklyn want to pay a human trafficker to escort Rush Limbaugh […]

Why won’t Barack Obama let The Troops who liberated Haiti from Hugo Chavez’s earthquake machine fly the Stars and Stripes? [The Corner] NASA discovered a delightful popcorn shrimp frolicking 600 feet below Antarctica. [The Daily Dish] Here is some horrifying footage of Barbara Boxer’s cap and trade-powered Zeppelin carpet bombing the quiet streets of Malibu […]

For the record, Obama is totally into jobs now, not health care. [New York Times] Obama also called for a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, which means all those Facebook petitions worked!! [Los Angeles Times] Meet this latest thing you will own! It is called the iPad, and has literally no function other than […]

By the Comics CurmudgeonHappy Friday, liberal weenies! Or should I say “suicidally depressing Friday,” because all of you are almost certainly suicidally depressed, what with the naked Republican Ted Kennedies and the coming corporate control of all elections and the bankruptcy of your precious liberal radio station! Anyway, like your liberal weenie foreparents, you will […]

Well well well! Well. Well. Well. HMM. John Edwards has arrived in Haiti to do relief work. He is perhaps the only person on Earth right now who can volunteer to bring doctors, food, and supplies to dying Haitians and become more of a monstrous asshole by doing so.

SATANIC PACTS ALSO  2:33 pm January 21, 2010

by Jim Newell

GREAT MOMENTS FROM THE #1 INTERNET BLOG: Mark Krikorian, people. And the italics are, indeed, his: “My guess is that Haiti’s so screwed up because it wasn’t colonized long enough.” Oh my god. “But, unlike Jamaicans and Bajans and Guadeloupeans, et al., after experiencing the worst of tropical colonial slavery, the Haitians didn’t stick around […]

Thursday, January 21: As the Nation welcomes naked Scott Brown to his seat as President of the Teabaggers, we say goodbye to the fine folks from the Jersey Shore. Tabaq Bistro will recreate the debauchery of these less-than-human characters by showing the finale tomorrow on big screen teevees and providing plenty of drink specials, so […]