Tag Archives: haiti

  clipbait

John Oliver Wonders Why We’re Still Bothering With Columbus Day (Video)

We actually remember this part
Happy Native American Genocide Day, Blame-America-First crowd! John Oliver and Last Week Tonight have this happy little video asking the important question: How is Columbus Day still a thing? It’s a solemn commemoration of mattress sales and “turning up to an unexpectedly closed post office and going, ‘Oh yeah. It’s Columbus Day. Shit.'” Read more on John Oliver Wonders Why We’re Still Bothering With Columbus Day (Video)…
  lies damned lies and a beka book

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People

Better fire up your modems and log into your AOL account (or Prodigy for you hipsters). Time for another look at the ruinous near-decade of prosperity under Bill Clinton, as refracted through the Truthiness Lens of rightwing Christian textbooks. This week, foreign affairs! (And next week, we’ll get to the other kind.) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People…
  it was those other guys or something

U.N. Actually Responsible For Something Terrible: Black Helicopters Were Full Of Cholera The Whole Time

Almost 650,000 Haitians have contracted cholera since a giant earthquake struck the island in 2010. This is kind of a weird thing to have happened, since cholera is caused by a bacterium called Vibrio cholerae and not by being shaken around a lot and watching your house fall down. Cholera wasn’t a widespread problem in Haiti before October 2010, so where did it come from? Who gave Haiti a case of the runs so bad that THEY DIE? Well, according to a study and another study and a third study and Bill Clinton, it was the United Nations. But don’t worry! The United Nations has decided the United Nations has diplomatic immunity, according to a policy written by the United Nations. Phew. Read more on U.N. Actually Responsible For Something Terrible: Black Helicopters Were Full Of Cholera The Whole Time…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box

Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of Desaline Victor. Who is Desaline Victor? “At age 102, it’s possible Desaline Victor is the oldest guest ever to attend a State of the Union address.” We are apparently not one hundred percent sure that she is the oldest, but we will run with it! Desaline Victor is also “an immigrant, former farm worker, and respected elder and minority from one of the poorest parts of South Florida.” Naturally, she will be sitting with First Lady Michelle Obama during the State of the Union as part of the all-important Second Term Agenda Item Dream Team. As both an immigrant and victim of Florida voting procedures, Victor brings age and experience to a guest box that will also include military families and victims of gun violence. Read more on Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box…
  it's morning in america

Japan Raises Nuclear Apocalypse Alert Level

Japan raised the nuclear alert level at Fukushima from four to five on a seven-point international scale for atomic incidents, making this nightmare just two “points” away from Chernobyl! (That’s a nice way to imagine it, in “points.” Just like in College Basketball March Madness!) The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency referred to this awful disaster as a “race against the clock,” so that’s comforting. Since this tragedy began last Friday, 6,405 people have been reported dead and approximately 10,200 are still missing. Also, miserable weather and heavy snowfall has basically made Japan the saddest place on Earth. [BBC] Read more on Japan Raises Nuclear Apocalypse Alert Level… Read more on Japan Raises Nuclear Apocalypse Alert Level…
  Profiles in Courage

George W. Bush Volunteers For Another Icky Hand Job

We are fairly certain that George W. Bush is currently touching stuff in Haiti, but new photos have surfaced that suggest maybe he is also still in Texas shaking hands with troops returning from war, via CNN Hologram. Isn’t it special that George Bush is willing to touch other people, even though he hates it so much? Read more on George W. Bush Volunteers For Another Icky Hand Job…
  rumors on the internets

George Bush Back In Haiti, And This Time He’s Wearing Gloves!

Matt Yglesias illustrates the ironic nature of our permanent occupation of Iraq with a special Alanis Morissette song! [Matt Yglesias] Remember Dan Maes, the Colorado Tea Party man who exposed the U.N. conspiracy that would have forced the entire city of Denver to ride around on an enormous Tandem bicycle? Dan Maes’ comments were taken out of context, actually. But Dan Maes is still concerned that bicycles are unconstitutional, because let’s face it, they probably are. [Think Progress] Read more on George Bush Back In Haiti, And This Time He’s Wearing Gloves!…
  rumors on the internets

The End Times Aren’t Looking So Bad Right Now

The out-of-control Patriot Act allowed one of Obama’s best friends, a BLACK BEAR, to waltz into some poor family’s home, eat their fruit, and steal one of their most precious toys, ALL WITHOUT A WARRANT. [Daily Intel] Read more on The End Times Aren’t Looking So Bad Right Now…
  this john king show has weird music

Liveblogging This Election Thing From the Homes of Alvin Greene And Hockey’s Carolina Hurricanes

Some states in our union haven’t learned that runoffs are unnecessary (WE THINK WE HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT THE GUY WITH THE MOST VOTES WINS ONE TIME) and are gay-European, and these states happen to be in very Republican areas of the nation! Results tonight will be COMIN’ IN from the Carolinas, Mississippi, and Utah, as far as your new Jim Newell knows, because he has not done much research for this, his first election liveblog. Will Strom Thurmond be resurrected? Will South Carolina voters just push the button for Alvin Greene in every race on the ballot? Who knows! (Alvin Greene knows, but not the rest of us.) Read more on Liveblogging This Election Thing From the Homes of Alvin Greene And Hockey’s Carolina Hurricanes…
  rumors on the internets

Help Rush Limbaugh Flee the Country?

Watch closely as RedState concludes what health care reform is really about (Hint: commie mind control!). [RedState] John Boehner is featured in a hot new will.i.am remix by DJ Librul, and Boenher’s melodic screaming doesn’t even require “the auto-tune!” [AMERICAblog] Read more on Help Rush Limbaugh Flee the Country?…
  cartoon violence

Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns

By the Comics CurmudgeonHappy Friday, liberal weenies! Or should I say “suicidally depressing Friday,” because all of you are almost certainly suicidally depressed, what with the naked Republican Ted Kennedies and the coming corporate control of all elections and the bankruptcy of your precious liberal radio station! Anyway, like your liberal weenie foreparents, you will respond to this setback as you have with all others: by sulkily claiming that you’re going to move to some more enlightened Foreign country. But of course, you’ll never actually do this, because it would be hard, and involve improving on those two years of Spanish you took in high school, but in case you ever get the urge to really, really make the plunge and become an ex-pat, you might want to check on the quality of the Foreigns’ political cartoons. They aren’t good! Do you really want to be looking at these in your newspaper every day? Read more on Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns…
  poverty's greatest crusader

If Haitians Thought That Earthquake Was Bad, Wait Until John Edwards Exploits Them For A Pathetic Publicity Stunt

Well well well! Well. Well. Well. HMM. John Edwards has arrived in Haiti to do relief work. He is perhaps the only person on Earth right now who can volunteer to bring doctors, food, and supplies to dying Haitians and become more of a monstrous asshole by doing so. Read more on If Haitians Thought That Earthquake Was Bad, Wait Until John Edwards Exploits Them For A Pathetic Publicity Stunt…
  satanic pacts also

GREAT MOMENTS FROM THE #1 INTERNET BLOG: Mark Krikorian, people. And the italics are, indeed, his: “My guess is that Haiti’s so screwed up because it wasn’t colonized long enough.” Oh my god. “But, unlike Jamaicans and Bajans and Guadeloupeans, et al., after experiencing the worst of tropical colonial slavery, the Haitians didn’t stick around long enough to benefit from it. (Haiti became independent in 1804.). And by benefit I mean develop a local culture significantly shaped by the more-advanced civilization of the colonizers.” Most correct explanation of anything ever. [The Corner via Instaputz] Read more on …
  food/booze news!

Help Haiti, But Watch Jersey Shore Too

Thursday, January 21: As the Nation welcomes naked Scott Brown to his seat as President of the Teabaggers, we say goodbye to the fine folks from the Jersey Shore. Tabaq Bistro will recreate the debauchery of these less-than-human characters by showing the finale tomorrow on big screen teevees and providing plenty of drink specials, so everyone will be in fine form to beat each other up on the dance floor… [Tabaq Bistro DC] Read more on Help Haiti, But Watch Jersey Shore Too…
  our nation's first white president

Liveblogging the Death of Socialism, Which Is Ted Kennedy’s Fault

Are you feeling nostalgic for Election Night 2008? This is almost exactly like that night, with a few small differences. For one, it’s again illegal to be black in America, so go back to Socialism-land, Rahm! Also, Andrew Sullivan may move back to Canada, he’s so bummed. There’s also a very good chance the beloved Health Care Reform will be passed. But still, SO SAD, right? MARTHA COAKLEY IS AMERICA’S BIGGEST LOSER. Let’s enjoy the final liveblog of the final night of the final election of Soviet America, because life is going to be awesome once the Republicans use their complete control of the White House and Congress to send you back to prison, hippie. Read more on Liveblogging the Death of Socialism, Which Is Ted Kennedy’s Fault…
  important internet viral things

Here Is Your ‘Tuesday Earnest Video,’ In Which Anderson Cooper Saves This Haitian Child

Here is yesterday’s most famous Internet thing, it is beloved Yale pin-up Anderson Cooper rescuing a Haitian boy from Hell. (Rod Blagojevich has signed on to star in the teevee adaptation, pending purchase and use of silver hair dye.) No snark allowed okay you guys?! David Denby will be supervising… from beyond the grave. [AC360] Read more on Here Is Your ‘Tuesday Earnest Video,’ In Which Anderson Cooper Saves This Haitian Child…
  heroic news coverage

More Earthquake Puns, Plz

Get it? “Earthquake,” “unshaken”? ZING BAM POW. Next up: “Haiti? More like CHEETAH!” What, who says you can’t use any of the Tiger Woods puns for other news stories? Anyway, congratulations to Jesus, for pulling off another fast one. [CNN] Read more on More Earthquake Puns, Plz…
  america's greatest heroes

George W. Bush And Bill Clinton Are President Of Haiti

Look everyone, it’s America’s two greatest presidents, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, taking back the White House to restore Capitalism to America. They urge you to donate to Haiti for some reason… [googles “haiti problem ?” ]… oh GOD, you should really donate to Haiti!! The best part comes at the end, when Barack Obama brings Clinton a cup of coffee. [Clinton Bush Haiti Fund] Read more on George W. Bush And Bill Clinton Are President Of Haiti…
  nation of meanies

Steve King Wants To Deport Haitians, But Only So They Can Help Haiti!

Iowa Rep. Steve King, the #1 asshole in Congress, is exhibiting the more compassionate side of his asshole today (gross) in response to the Haitian crisis. Like many wingnuts, Steve King does not support granting temporary protected status (TPS) to undocumented Haitians living within the United States — a.k.a. he don’t support none dem Mexicans gittin’ amnesty for their pact with Mister Satan, a known devil. But not because they’ll simply take more and more (if not all) of our seven remaining American jobs if we let them live here another 18 months! He just wants to deport them so they can help rebuild Haiti, as relief workers. It’s a win-win for no one, ceptin’ America. Read more on Steve King Wants To Deport Haitians, But Only So They Can Help Haiti!…