Here, kiddies. Masturbate to this Friday Liberal Pornography while we look for some “real news” to make fun of. [YouTube]

Here’s one line of an e-mail from Wonkette tipster “Little R. Hen,” so secretive: “the first dude has a john edwards problem times ten zillion.” You heard it here first: Todd Plain gets four-thousand-zillion dollar haircuts. THERE ISN’T EVEN THAT MUCH MONEY ON EARTH, and yet.

An ancient book of hideous human hair samples is now on display at Philadelphia’s Academy of Natural Science, and political fanatics are lining up to see the tufts yanked or clipped from the lice-ridden skulls of America’s many dead presidents. But the fetishist who collected the bizarre witch book was unable to trick a lock away from Andrew Jackson, who took drastic measures to avoid the creep’s shears. MORE »

* Robert Novak will let you call him “angel tits” if you just buy his book. [Political Wire]
* Real Christians know, “a Vote for Romney is a Vote for Satan.” [MoJo]
* Tom Friedman thinks Americans are too smart to listen to anything Lou Dobbs says. [Passport]
* John Murtha hates the war in Iraq, loves the war on drugs. [Hit & Run]
* John Edwards promises $400 haircuts for every American. [Captain's Quarters]
* Jim Lehrer senility check: He refuses to “assume the president of the U..S is lying.” Yup, lost it. [Romenesko]
* Dennis Kucinich will save the world if you’ll just say his fucking name right. [PrezVid]

John “Lonesome Rhodes” Edwards may be lagging behind Obama and Clinton in dollars and poll numbers, but he’s miles ahead — in style! MORE »

* Chuck Hagel will announce his ‘08 candidacy on Monday. Or he’ll do something else. Or he’ll do nothing. [Political Wire]
* Iranian defense minister defects to U.S. with decades of knowledge of government-backed terror operations, secret hummus recipe. [Passport]
* Scooter’s SCOTUS drinking buddies control whether he’ll have new soap-on-a-rope shower buddies. [Inside Court TV]
* It takes more than just a flat head to get Jon Tester’s hair like that. [The Sleuth]
* Air America knows you’re no one until you failed spectacularly, twice. [MoJo]
* Pete Domenici’s new lawyer feels the same way. [TPM Muckraker]
* They may not be real Mitt Romney supporters, but they play ‘em on the Internet. [techPresident]
* Henry Kissinger uses panel discussions on global poverty to get ass. [Radar]
* Monopolist talks competitiveness with communist congressmen — yay America! [The Swamp]

Following up on this morning’s shocking RED-EYE HAIRCUTGATE, Ben Smith called Obama’s barber, who confirmed that Barack Obama did, indeed, get a haircut while his staff was busy trashing Hillary Clinton against his wishes, or something. But what else did we learn about the mysterious Barry Hussein? MORE »

Remember that thing we didn’t write or give a shit about where David Geffen said some very mildly bitchy things about the Clintons, then the Clintons said Barack Obama put him up to it, then they all had a big fight for a couple days? Looks like Barry Hussein’s back on the peace train: MORE »