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Posts Tagged ‘guns’

CIVIL WAR

As America Collapses, Gun Sales Are Booming!

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!Stocks may be up or down another 900 points right now, who knows — but they are very much down in general, like 35% down. And houses, they are worth nine dollars each, in KFC coupons, yet there are no takers. All the car manufacturers are shutting down, forever, and soon gasoline will be 45 cents a gallon again, and nobody will want some. Are Americans buying anything these days? Yes, they are buying millions of guns, for the coming race war. MORE »


WHITE TRASH

Palin Idiots Armed & Dangerous … To Each Other!

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

'FIVE DAYS? But I'm angry NOW!'Two jackasses in SUVs were in traffic leaving a Sarah Palin Klan Rally in Colorado on Monday when one, in a Kia, tried to pull ahead of the guy in the Chrysler. They yelled whatever at each other, then the Chrysler jackass pulled a loaded handgun on the other Palin loser. After he was arrested, the 62-year-old gun nut told the cops he “wanted to be ready for anything.” Jesus fucking christ, we all need to go buy a million guns this weekend, because these dingbats are going to go berserk on Election Night. [Post Independent]


KILLJOYS

Nothing Fun Allowed At Obama’s Stadium Show

Friday, August 15th, 2008

Hope takes a holiday.Good news, Obamatards with tickets to Barack Obama & the Decemberists’ big concert at Mile High Stadium: You are encouraged to go through 10 miles of security lines and enter the INVESCO outdoor FEMA detainment camp at 1 p.m., a half day before Obama will speak. Also, you can’t bring booze. Also, there will be no booze for sale. Hope sucks. Read the whole terrifying list of fun weapons and drugs and animals you CANNOT bring to the greatest football game on Earth, after the jump. MORE »


KILLIN' SEASON

Local Columnist Looks Forward To Shooting Everyone Soon, Too

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

Thank God I called THAT guyHa, Layne started writing about this WTOP column at the same time and posted first, but he didn’t even quote the foreboding last paragraph in full! This columnist, Mark Segraves, has done us the very kind favor of scaring us shitless: “As readers of this column will recall, I purchased a handgun the very first day the District began accepting applications for registering handguns. Because the law does not permit individuals from transporting unregistered handguns across state lines, my 38 Smith & Wesson sits in the back room of the gun store in Maryland where I bought it. Waiting for the day it can be legally shipped into the District. That day is getting closer.” Goo! Making fun of him is probably not the smartest thing to do, but martyrdom never comes easy. [WTOP]


FREEDOM COMES TO TOWN

Finally, We Can Have Guns In D.C.

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

Fuck You Cat.Ever since its founding by George Washington in 17-whatever-something, the District of Columbia has never heard the thrilling ring of gunfire. Finally, after more than two centuries of firearm-free boredom, Washington will get its very first guns, this month! MORE »


DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING

Honorary McCain Chair Accidentally Shoots Self While Fixing Bike

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

This is inventive: “An Oregon state senator has been hospitalized with an accidental gunshot wound in the knee. The Medford Mail Tribune reports that Republican Jason Atkinson, 37, was hit while repairing a friend’s bicycle Tuesday. Central Point police say a .38-caliber derringer was in a bag attached to the bike, and it fired when Atkinson dropped the bag … The John McCain campaign named him an honorary chairman for Oregon activities.” Promote this man, Walnuts — he’s more competent than any of your current top advisers. [OregonLive]


VIOLENCE

Barack Obama To Shoot & Kill John McCain

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

I'll make ya tickleBarack Obama today revealed that he hates John McCain’s tax plan and will therefore kill him with guns: “Obama jokingly claimed that Wild Bill Hickock, a famous old Western gunslinger, was a distant cousin of his so McCain should be on the alert. ‘I’m ready to duel John McCain on taxes. Right now, right here. I’m a quick draw,’ Obama quipped.” OK, we get it Hussein, YOU HAD WHITE ANCESTORS. McCain responded that he knew Bill Hickock and you, sir, are no Bill Hickock. [ABC News]


COFFEE CHAT

Starbucks Denies Service To The Rich And Wounded!

Friday, July 18th, 2008

The “A” location on this space satellite Google Maps image is 2101 L Street NW, the ONLY Starbucks that will be closed in Washington D.C. out of 600-ish closed ones nationwide. This is problematic for two reasons: (1) there is nary another bean shop anywhere near this rich, young-professionalized and textbook yuppie part of Northwest D.C. and (2) this was the Starbucks for HOSPITAL and WOUND CARE patients, as you can see. People get shot all the time with legal guns in this city and now they will have no Starbucks coffee! [Washington Post]


SHARPSHOOTERS FOR JESUS

No Gun Giveaway For Churchgoing Youngsters This Year

Monday, July 14th, 2008

Maybe next year, after God has bombed the Internet.One sad Oklahoma church won’t be giving away a very special semiautomatic assault rifle to one lucky boy or girl who loves the Lord. The Windsor Hills Baptist Church is holding a youth conference next week, which will feature “21 hours of preaching and teaching.” A shootin’ contest was also on the docket until the gentleman running the sacred event had to stay home because of “bone spurs on his foot” or somesuch (that is what they say in this video, here) so now the winner won’t get an AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle, and Jesus weeps. [KOCO Oklahoma City]


THUG LIFE

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
  • D.C. BLOGGER SHOT: Media Consortium reporter Brian Beutler was gunned down in Adams Morgan “pretty much directly in front of Andrew Sullivan’s apartment.” Beutler and a buddy were walking from the Black Cat to The Diner late Tuesday night when two teen-age gangsters tried to mug them, and Beutler was shot at least once. He’s in the hospital, his spleen was removed, and he’s supposed to make a full recovery. Beutler’s been reporting on U.S. torture and the ongoing FISA outrage. [DCist/Reason/Gawker]

LEGISLATIN' FROM THE BENCH

Supreme Court Strikes Down D.C. Handgun Ban, Immediately Shoots At Random People

Thursday, June 26th, 2008

They’ve been talking about it for a while, but the ACTIVIST judges of the Supreme Court today struck down Washington, D.C.’s ban on handgun ownership, voting along Ideological Lines. Hooray! Because we all have guns, and now we don’t have to hide them under our pillows with the safety off anymore, which was not safe in the first place. Justice Antonin Scalia’s majority opinion went along the lines of: “If a bunch of blacks in Anacostia shoot each other, how the hell does that affect me, Tony Scalez?” [Washington Post]