Tag Archives: guns

  fuck it we'll do it live!

Truthful Newsman Bill O’Reilly Did Too See Those Nuns Shot Dead (No He Didn’t)

O'Reilly, you magnificent bastard, we'll never read your book
Oh hey guys, some shocking and unfathomable breaking news: Bill O’Reilly repeatedly said he was somewhere and saw something when he was not in fact there and did not in fact see that thing — to the fainting couch, we know! — but it’s you liberal pinheads’ fault for not understanding the utter greatness and unimpeachable veracity of Bill O’Reilly, Hero of the People 17 Octogenarians Who Still Watch Cable News. And what did Bill-O — last seen lying about witnessing a JFK assassination figure’s suicide even though he was, you know, in a completely different city — say this time for you dumb hippies to intentionally misconstrue, because something something character assassination something something Benghazi? Read more on Truthful Newsman Bill O’Reilly Did Too See Those Nuns Shot Dead (No He Didn’t)…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral

Dear Princess Celestia: Why do you hate Free Speach?
Oh, it has been a busy week in Deleted Comments land! Thanks to our switchover to Disqus, the comments are a bit more Wild West-y than they had been — in Olden times, new commenters had to be approved, but now, Yr Moderators have to patrol the dusty streets and clear them of miscreants who shamble into view. Happily, you Wonkers are all deputized to help us keep our comments section a happy Radical Liberal Secularist Leftist Libunatic playground as well, via the “flag” option that appears when you move your mouse over any comment, like so: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral…
  anything less than grand theft is a felony

Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Welcome back to Florida, the quintessential backdrop for Sharknado III, where it’s weirdly not warm outside — though it ain’t like Ithaca — and we’re all freaking out a little bit because nobody has any winter clothes, thanks Obama. Read more on Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup…
  the only way to stop a bad guy with a shirt is a good guy with a shirt

Please Do Not Wear These Gun T-Shirts If You Are Black

Very fashion, so privilege
Small businesses, we are told, are the engine of our economy, the soul of capitalism, the American dream itself realized, workshops of imagination from whence spring innovation and dynamism like sweat from a (non-migrant) farmer’s sun-beaten brow. So it was with a sense of pride and giddy anticipation that we read that the owner of a small Colorado billiards supply store had decided to branch out into fashion. Then we saw what his mind had wrought. Gun shirts. Shirts that make it look like you’re carrying a gun. Read more on Please Do Not Wear These Gun T-Shirts If You Are Black…
  intramural frisbee golf just got more exciting

Nevada Bill Will Solve Rape, Let All Co-Eds Shoot Everyone, What Could Go Wrong?

Where could she even be hiding a gun?
Ah, college. That heady brew of drinking, parties, hormones, Marxist indoctrination, drugs, late nights, not enough sleep, political correctness, overblown drama, and more hormones. You know what might spice it up even more? Allowing students to carry guns on campus. Because when you can arm immature monsters who drink like fish and have poor impulse control, you have to do it. Read more on Nevada Bill Will Solve Rape, Let All Co-Eds Shoot Everyone, What Could Go Wrong?…
  Are Those Extra Rounds Or Is The AC Set Too High?

Wingnut Lady Shoots Self Dead While Adjusting Boob-Gun

She was an active member of the Christian Motorcycle Association.
A minor official in the Michigan Republican Party who was found dead on New Year’s Day apparently did not take her own life. Instead, new information released Wednesday indicates that Christina Bond died while adjusting a gun in a bra holster. At least no toddlers were involved in this shooting. Read more on Wingnut Lady Shoots Self Dead While Adjusting Boob-Gun…
  second amendment remedies

Oklahoma Runs Out of Varmints and People to Shoot, Turns to Flying Robots

The corn is as high as a Predator's contrail
The good congresscritters of Oklahoma are up to some legislatin’, folks. A bill has advanced to their senate floor that will make it legal to shoot drones out of the sky. That SPROING you heard is the sound of Rand Paul’s spontaneous freedom boner. Read more on Oklahoma Runs Out of Varmints and People to Shoot, Turns to Flying Robots…
  You Can't Spell CRAZY Without R-AZ

Arizona Senate Committee Votes To Make Federal Government Optional

Arizona's new state mascot
A committee in the Arizona Senate voted Tuesday to advance several bills aimed at making the federal government mind its own darn business and just leave Arizona alone. One bill would invalidate any federal gun laws that Arizona decides violate the Second Amendment (and would also punish the city of Tucson for passing its own laws governing firearms). Another measure would forbid state and local governments from helping federal agencies collect Arizonans’ phone or email metadata without a warrant — and anyone who helped the feds would be forbidden from holding any state office, forever, for reals. Read more on Arizona Senate Committee Votes To Make Federal Government Optional…
  We're Fresh Out Of Kittens Sorry

Who Are We Shooting This Week? Oh, It’s Girl Scouts!

The problem isn't guns, of course. It's never guns.
So let’s get straight to the good-ish news: Nine-year-old Sinai (pronounced “sih-NYE”) Miller, who was hit by a stray bullet from a drive-by shooting Tuesday while selling Girl Scout Cookies in Indianapolis, is going to be fine. You know, as fine as a 9-year-old girl can be after a gunshot wound to the leg. Also, people are ordering cookies from her Girl Scout troop like crazy, because that dizzy optimist Anne Frank was right about most people being good at heart, and if you can’t make it so a nine-year-old girl becomes un-shot, at least you can buy some goddamned cookies. It’s a profoundly decent useless gesture, which is about what we’re reduced to when we can’t really be shocked by a kid in a poor neighborhood catching a bullet. Read more on Who Are We Shooting This Week? Oh, It’s Girl Scouts!…
  Our Cold Merely Wounded Hands

Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves

Nobody wearing a 'take responsibility' shirt would ever act irresponsibly!
Time for another roundup of just a few exciting stories of Responsible Gun Owners keeping themselves safe from crime and from the threat of tyrannical government overreach! We’ll ease into our Gun Fun with a story that’s happily non-lethal — so far, at least. Read more on Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves…
  Rarely Is It Asked: Is Our State Legislators Learning?

SC Republican Just Wants Judges To Pass Religious Test, What’s Wrong With That?

He has a gun, let's vote for him!
South Carolina state Rep. Jonathon Hill is just an inquisitive guy who wants to be well-informed about state judicial candidates. That’s the only reason he sent a questionnaire just crawling with completely unconstitutional questions to candidates for judgeships. In South Carolina, judges are elected by state legislators, so Hill, a bright young conservative who is 29 years old, thought he’d look into some important questions to help him decide who belongs on the bench. Here are a few things he wanted to know: Read more on SC Republican Just Wants Judges To Pass Religious Test, What’s Wrong With That?…
  Killing in the Name of Dumb

Texas Republican Knows Teachers Need To Do A Little Killing Sometimes, For The Kids

Texas by way of Nevada.
Texas state Rep. Dan Flynn (R-No duh) has introduced the illiterately named Teacher’s [sic] Protection Act, though no word yet on who that single teacher is exactly. The bill would authorize teachers — who, unless you forgot, are already authorized to carry loaded guns in Texas classrooms — to use “force or deadly force on school property, on a school bus, or at a school-sponsored event in defense of the educator’s person or in defense of students of the school that employs the educator.” Read more on Texas Republican Knows Teachers Need To Do A Little Killing Sometimes, For The Kids…
  walking while a yale student

Black Yale Student, NYT Columnist’s Son, Pretty Obvious Criminal To Area Cops

Black men ARE allowed here
So which black men are the police in New Haven, Connecticut, pulling guns on today for walking around near the library of Yale University? Oh, probably only the ones who are thugs, and you can tell they are thugs because they are black, so it is pretty easy! On Saturday, Tahj Blow, a third-year Yale student, was walking from the library to his dorm when he was stopped by a police officer, who told Tahj to “turn around.” Then the cop raised his gun, and told Tahj to get on the ground. It was probably pretty obvious to the police officer that Tahj was a criminal, because of how black he was, and how the police were looking for a black guy who had allegedly committed a burglary at some point that week, and will you look at that, here’s a black guy. Huh! Read more on Black Yale Student, NYT Columnist’s Son, Pretty Obvious Criminal To Area Cops…
  florida. man.

Guns, Boob Leaks, And Wack Doogie Howser: Your Florida Roundup

God’s Waiting Room did not disappoint this week, so let’s dive right in! We’ll begin in Florida’s northeast corner, the part that would probably rather be Georgia (and not the good parts of Georgia), where the good sheriff of Duval County has put his finger on what’s really to blame for all these people shooting each other (no, it’s not the freakishly easy access to guns or the endemic poverty and deteriorating safety net, don’t be silly): Read more on Guns, Boob Leaks, And Wack Doogie Howser: Your Florida Roundup…
  Cold Dead Hands

Gun Roundup: The State Of Our Union’s Gun Nuts Is Stupid As Ever

As gun ownership becomes more about making a half-baked political statement predicated on paranoid delusions and industry propaganda, and less about practical matters like hunting and home defense, it stands to reason that gun owners themselves would display an ever-diminishing quotient of common sense. This is just a theory, but damned if the facts on the ground don’t support it. WITNESS: Read more on Gun Roundup: The State Of Our Union’s Gun Nuts Is Stupid As Ever…
  grab a rifle and stand a post

Ammosexuals Exploit Charlie Hebdo Massacre For Media Attention And Profit

Gollum will stops you from getting the preciouses.
If there is anything your more vocal ammosexuals hate, it’s anyone who calls for gun control laws in the immediate aftermath of a mass shooting. It’s too soon, they will cry. How dare you make this political before the bodies are cold, they will whine. Way to stand on the bodies of dead children to advance your agenda, gun-grabbers, they will derp. Read more on Ammosexuals Exploit Charlie Hebdo Massacre For Media Attention And Profit…
  Total RINO obviously

Michigan Governor Vetoes NRA Bill To Arm Lady-Beaters, World Keeps Turning

This is Raging Rob. Enough said.
In a rare but not unprecedented burst of Republican sanity regarding gun regulation, Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder has done a super decent thing and vetoed a concealed carry gun bill that was crafted, nurtured, and pushed in Michigan by the NRA. The bill, SB 789, would have allowed stalkers and domestic abusers to obtain concealed carry permits, because of course when you’ve been deemed dangerous by a court, you should have immediate access to deadly weapons, it just makes sense. And staggeringly, Gov. Snyder, a REPUBLICAN, were you even listening, did the right thing and said NO WAY. Don’t get too excited about Snyder, because he is normally very happy to do the NRA’s bidding, but today we are not complaining. Read more on Michigan Governor Vetoes NRA Bill To Arm Lady-Beaters, World Keeps Turning…
  Semi-Automatic Assumptions

‘Muslim-Free’ Gun Range Lady Bans South Asian Dudes, Is Definitely Not Racist

She seems as nice as ever.
Surely nobody could have seen this coming! You remember Jan Morgan, that nice lady who declared her Hot Springs, Arkansas, gun range a Muslim-Free Zone, because of all the violence and beheadings that the Muslims are always up to — not to mention the unnerving Muslim ringtones on their phones? It turns out that she’s still quite happily running a Muslim-free establishment, and everything’s just great! Oh, and she has a great method for deciding who’s a Muslim and who isn’t: good old racial profiling. Read more on ‘Muslim-Free’ Gun Range Lady Bans South Asian Dudes, Is Definitely Not Racist…
  second amendment solutions

Open Carry Nuts Yell Nonsense At Texas State Rep, Because That Is Kind Of Their Thing

THE SETUP: A group in Texas called Open Carry Tarrant County feels very affectionately toward guns and certain Amendments. They also like HB195 (“the Texas Constitutional Carry Act of 2015″), a bill before the Texas legislature that would do two main things: Remove the requirement that Texans obtain a permit to carry a concealed handgun, and permit any legally sober Texan to carry a handgun, either concealed or openly upon their corpus, pretty much anywhere except churches, prisons, sporting events, hospitals, saloons, amusement parks, and government meetings. So Open Carry Tarrant County assembled to do a little lobbying for HB195 at the State House! Read more on Open Carry Nuts Yell Nonsense At Texas State Rep, Because That Is Kind Of Their Thing…
  Give Peas A Chance

Alabama School Arms Children Against Bad Guys, With Cans Of Creamed Corn

And if the Reds push the button, it's survival for another week or so!
You pretty much can’t ignore a New York Times headline that says “Alabama: School May Arm Students With Canned Peas.” And it’s exactly what it sounds like: A middle school principal wants to stockpile cans of corn and peas in classrooms for students to hurl at possible intruders as a last defense. Thank Principal Priscella Holley of W. F. Burns Middle School in Chambers County, Alabama, for this brainstorm. She sent a letter home to parents asking them to have their kids bring eight-ounce canned items to school so they can fling ‘em at the bad guys. How’s this for persuasive? Read more on Alabama School Arms Children Against Bad Guys, With Cans Of Creamed Corn…