Tag Archives: guns

  There's an app for that

Gun-Humpers Using Sexy App To Track Gun Control Advocates, What Could Go Wrong?

Just a normal guy, on his way to the Taco Bell.
Here is a story that will warm the hearts of all patriotic Americans with guns firmly held by cold dead hands, out of which none can pry them! There are people out there who think it might be wise to fight for a little more gun control, a little more responsibility on the part of gun owners, so kids don’t get massacred at school or accidentally shot by their siblings. This is an un-American belief, so these people must be tracked, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s an app for that: Read more on Gun-Humpers Using Sexy App To Track Gun Control Advocates, What Could Go Wrong?…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
This week’s crop of deleted comments made us feel a bit nostalgic, since a couple of them employ a rightwing rhetorical trope that we first noticed when we still read the local news-paper while listening to Fleetwood Mac on the Victrola. It’s the simplest possible sort of non sequitur: just take any current event and point out that the Scourge Of Abortion is far worse. “I don’t see why the plane crash in ____ is news when hundreds of babies are slaughtered daily…” “Your article on the Armenian Genocide reminded me that Americans are happy to deny their own genocide, legal since 1973…” “How can your reviewer complain about Ishtar when a true abomination takes place in Planned parenthood clinics every day?” So yeah, we got a couple of those this week. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Oh Yeah Wonket? Well YOU’RE An Abortion!…
  You Got Your Jesus In My Gun Bill!

Arizona Wingnut Senator: We Can’t Make You People Go To Church, So Have Some Guns Instead

Jesus is actually registered in her district
Look, all you screamy liberals, Arizona state Sen. Sylvia Allen is NOT introducing legislation to make going to church on Sunday mandatory, so stop your exaggerating and whining. She just thinks that such a mandate would be an excellent idea, is all. Read more on Arizona Wingnut Senator: We Can’t Make You People Go To Church, So Have Some Guns Instead…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Are We Being Anti-Semitic To Sarah Palin?

Scootaloo is neither a gun owner nor Jewish, as far as we know. She worships Rainbow Dash
The Deleted Comments Hopper was extra-full this week, largely because we hit on a convergence of topics in one post: we wrote about the Palin family and guns at the same time, and that combination summoned the angerbears from the depths. Also, we suggested that not all American Jews agree with Congressschmuck Steve King, who carries so much water for AIPAC that he has calves the size of challas, and that brought us some real winners too. Heck, we don’t even have room to mention the anti-vaxxer who said that criticizing paranoia about vaccines is the “type of attitude is what forced people into internment camps and concentration camps,” which is really too bad, because we wish we could have mentioned that. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Are We Being Anti-Semitic To Sarah Palin?…
  Packing Heat and Animal Crackers

Gun-Toting Mama Teaches You How To Love Your Baby AND Your Gun At The Same Time

Mothers of America, your prayers have been answered! An Iowa mom has figured out the secret to looking after your baby while still finding time for the real love of your life — your gun. An NRA-licensed shooting instructor has started a training class to teach moms how to pack heat while still holding their babbies. It’s Ma Barker approved! Read more on Gun-Toting Mama Teaches You How To Love Your Baby AND Your Gun At The Same Time…
  Teach Your Children To Shoot Well

Oppressed Gun Fondlers Not Allowed To Be Foster Parents, This Shall Not Stand!

Oh, we get it! 'Permitted' -- like a gun permit! It is a pune, or play on words!
You know who has the toughest time of all in modern America? Patriotic gunhumpers, that’s who. Bad enough that the police threaten them by standing around nearby when they march around in front of public schools playing Open Carry Hero and screaming at the cops. Now we learn that, in the socialist commie state of Nevada, at least, you can be excluded from the pool of potential foster parents simply because you Love America enough to have a concealed weapon permit. Read more on Oppressed Gun Fondlers Not Allowed To Be Foster Parents, This Shall Not Stand!…
  Madison Heights MI Safe From Tyranny -- For Now

‘You Work for ME!’ Open Carry Loon Yells At Police, Exercising Right To Be Tedious A**hole

Public servants serving the public
Via Moms Demand Action comes this proud Open Carry activist “Nunya Beeswax,” who posted a FOUR-PART YouTube video documenting a recent Open Carry walk that Mr. Beeswax took around his Michigan neighborhood. He is the very model of a free man who knows his rights, which include the Right to Bear Arms, the Right to Free Speech, the Right to Bear Arms while Speaking Freely, and the Right To Be An Insufferable Prick Toward Police Officers Because He Is A Free Man And They Are Jackbooted Thugs who are supposed to work for WE THE PEOPLE. Read more on ‘You Work for ME!’ Open Carry Loon Yells At Police, Exercising Right To Be Tedious A**hole…
  she can bring home the bullets

NRA Sad That Obama Hates Ladies Who Use AR-15 Ladyguns

pew! pew!
The Department of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms is considering whether to ban the manufacture, import, and sale of a particular type of armor-piercing ammunition known as M855 or “green tip” bullets. These bullets are compatible with AR-15 assault rifles and are illegal except for sport shooting, mostly for when the deer are wearing body armor. SETTLE DOWN we are kidding, we know people shoot AR-15s with green tip ammo for gunfun at shooting ranges (but not all shooting ranges, including the NRA’s, because are you crazy, these bullets are really dangerous). Until recently, these bullets haven’t been compatible with handguns, but a fabulous new gun has come onto the market and it is an AR-15-style handgun that can shoot green tip cop-killer bullets! For some reason, the ATF doesn’t really want people to be able to use these bullets in handguns, but since they are widely available for sport shooting, ATF is thinking, huh, people might buy some and stick them in their handguns. And since there are many other fun bullets you can use for sport shooting with your AR-15, ATF wonders whether it might just be better to ban the armor-piercing ones. Read more on NRA Sad That Obama Hates Ladies Who Use AR-15 Ladyguns…
  fuck it we'll do it live!

Truthful Newsman Bill O’Reilly Did Too See Those Nuns Shot Dead (No He Didn’t)

O'Reilly, you magnificent bastard, we'll never read your book
Oh hey guys, some shocking and unfathomable breaking news: Bill O’Reilly repeatedly said he was somewhere and saw something when he was not in fact there and did not in fact see that thing — to the fainting couch, we know! — but it’s you liberal pinheads’ fault for not understanding the utter greatness and unimpeachable veracity of Bill O’Reilly, Hero of the People 17 Octogenarians Who Still Watch Cable News. And what did Bill-O — last seen lying about witnessing a JFK assassination figure’s suicide even though he was, you know, in a completely different city — say this time for you dumb hippies to intentionally misconstrue, because something something character assassination something something Benghazi? Read more on Truthful Newsman Bill O’Reilly Did Too See Those Nuns Shot Dead (No He Didn’t)…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral

No, *you're* the most basic of jokes.
Oh, it has been a busy week in Deleted Comments land! Thanks to our switchover to Disqus, the comments are a bit more Wild West-y than they had been — in Olden times, new commenters had to be approved, but now, Yr Moderators have to patrol the dusty streets and clear them of miscreants who shamble into view. Happily, you Wonkers are all deputized to help us keep our comments section a happy Radical Liberal Secularist Leftist Libunatic playground as well, via the “flag” option that appears when you move your mouse over any comment, like so: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Shoot-Out At The Not-Okay Corral…
  anything less than grand theft is a felony

Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Welcome back to Florida, the quintessential backdrop for Sharknado III, where it’s weirdly not warm outside — though it ain’t like Ithaca — and we’re all freaking out a little bit because nobody has any winter clothes, thanks Obama. Read more on Stop, Collaborate and Put Your F*cking Hands Up: Your Florida Roundup…
  the only way to stop a bad guy with a shirt is a good guy with a shirt

Please Do Not Wear These Gun T-Shirts If You Are Black

Very fashion, so privilege
Small businesses, we are told, are the engine of our economy, the soul of capitalism, the American dream itself realized, workshops of imagination from whence spring innovation and dynamism like sweat from a (non-migrant) farmer’s sun-beaten brow. So it was with a sense of pride and giddy anticipation that we read that the owner of a small Colorado billiards supply store had decided to branch out into fashion. Then we saw what his mind had wrought. Gun shirts. Shirts that make it look like you’re carrying a gun. Read more on Please Do Not Wear These Gun T-Shirts If You Are Black…
  intramural frisbee golf just got more exciting

Nevada Bill Will Solve Rape, Let All Co-Eds Shoot Everyone, What Could Go Wrong?

Where could she even be hiding a gun?
Ah, college. That heady brew of drinking, parties, hormones, Marxist indoctrination, drugs, late nights, not enough sleep, political correctness, overblown drama, and more hormones. You know what might spice it up even more? Allowing students to carry guns on campus. Because when you can arm immature monsters who drink like fish and have poor impulse control, you have to do it. Read more on Nevada Bill Will Solve Rape, Let All Co-Eds Shoot Everyone, What Could Go Wrong?…
  Are Those Extra Rounds Or Is The AC Set Too High?

Wingnut Lady Shoots Self Dead While Adjusting Boob-Gun

She was an active member of the Christian Motorcycle Association.
A minor official in the Michigan Republican Party who was found dead on New Year’s Day apparently did not take her own life. Instead, new information released Wednesday indicates that Christina Bond died while adjusting a gun in a bra holster. At least no toddlers were involved in this shooting. Read more on Wingnut Lady Shoots Self Dead While Adjusting Boob-Gun…
  second amendment remedies

Oklahoma Runs Out of Varmints and People to Shoot, Turns to Flying Robots

The corn is as high as a Predator's contrail
The good congresscritters of Oklahoma are up to some legislatin’, folks. A bill has advanced to their senate floor that will make it legal to shoot drones out of the sky. That SPROING you heard is the sound of Rand Paul’s spontaneous freedom boner. Read more on Oklahoma Runs Out of Varmints and People to Shoot, Turns to Flying Robots…
  You Can't Spell CRAZY Without R-AZ

Arizona Senate Committee Votes To Make Federal Government Optional

Arizona's new state mascot
A committee in the Arizona Senate voted Tuesday to advance several bills aimed at making the federal government mind its own darn business and just leave Arizona alone. One bill would invalidate any federal gun laws that Arizona decides violate the Second Amendment (and would also punish the city of Tucson for passing its own laws governing firearms). Another measure would forbid state and local governments from helping federal agencies collect Arizonans’ phone or email metadata without a warrant — and anyone who helped the feds would be forbidden from holding any state office, forever, for reals. Read more on Arizona Senate Committee Votes To Make Federal Government Optional…
  We're Fresh Out Of Kittens Sorry

Who Are We Shooting This Week? Oh, It’s Girl Scouts!

The problem isn't guns, of course. It's never guns.
So let’s get straight to the good-ish news: Nine-year-old Sinai (pronounced “sih-NYE”) Miller, who was hit by a stray bullet from a drive-by shooting Tuesday while selling Girl Scout Cookies in Indianapolis, is going to be fine. You know, as fine as a 9-year-old girl can be after a gunshot wound to the leg. Also, people are ordering cookies from her Girl Scout troop like crazy, because that dizzy optimist Anne Frank was right about most people being good at heart, and if you can’t make it so a nine-year-old girl becomes un-shot, at least you can buy some goddamned cookies. It’s a profoundly decent useless gesture, which is about what we’re reduced to when we can’t really be shocked by a kid in a poor neighborhood catching a bullet. Read more on Who Are We Shooting This Week? Oh, It’s Girl Scouts!…
  Our Cold Merely Wounded Hands

Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves

Nobody wearing a 'take responsibility' shirt would ever act irresponsibly!
Time for another roundup of just a few exciting stories of Responsible Gun Owners keeping themselves safe from crime and from the threat of tyrannical government overreach! We’ll ease into our Gun Fun with a story that’s happily non-lethal — so far, at least. Read more on Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves…
  Rarely Is It Asked: Is Our State Legislators Learning?

SC Republican Just Wants Judges To Pass Religious Test, What’s Wrong With That?

He has a gun, let's vote for him!
South Carolina state Rep. Jonathon Hill is just an inquisitive guy who wants to be well-informed about state judicial candidates. That’s the only reason he sent a questionnaire just crawling with completely unconstitutional questions to candidates for judgeships. In South Carolina, judges are elected by state legislators, so Hill, a bright young conservative who is 29 years old, thought he’d look into some important questions to help him decide who belongs on the bench. Here are a few things he wanted to know: Read more on SC Republican Just Wants Judges To Pass Religious Test, What’s Wrong With That?…
  Killing in the Name of Dumb

Texas Republican Knows Teachers Need To Do A Little Killing Sometimes, For The Kids

Texas by way of Nevada.
Texas state Rep. Dan Flynn (R-No duh) has introduced the illiterately named Teacher’s [sic] Protection Act, though no word yet on who that single teacher is exactly. The bill would authorize teachers — who, unless you forgot, are already authorized to carry loaded guns in Texas classrooms — to use “force or deadly force on school property, on a school bus, or at a school-sponsored event in defense of the educator’s person or in defense of students of the school that employs the educator.” Read more on Texas Republican Knows Teachers Need To Do A Little Killing Sometimes, For The Kids…