Wonkette

Here is old Hillary’s mailer about how Barack Obama will cling your guns, he’ll cling’em right into a federal ban! One problem: “The image of the gun pictured on the face of the mailing is reversed, making it a nonexistent left-handed model of the Mauser 66 rifle.” It is a German gun, and the Nazis were also German. [Ben Smith]

For the first time since the Great Depression the Secretary of the Interior is making news with a proposal. The Secretary, whose name is… let’s ask Google… Kempthorne, Dirk Kempthorne, “proposed new regulations Wednesday that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon in some national parks and wildlife refuges.” Someone has been stealing Kempthorne’s pic-a-nic baskets recently, and he is Bitter and Clinging To Guns? Or maybe he’s just going through a terrible divorce/lobotomy. MORE »

America’s favorite buzzkills — the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives — have launched a new advertising campaign in public schools in Tennessee that is sure to stop HOPPED-UP DRUG GUN BUNNIES from shooting their frienemies. The slogan for a series of posters reads, “Be Cool… Don’t Let Guns Rule.” Now all of Tennessee’s public school students are smoking cigarettes, which remains a vital ingredient of Being Cool. [CNS News]

By the Comics Curmudgeon

You may faithfully tune in daily to America’s favorite filthy-minded political blog, but I’m betting that you actually have very little idea about what’s going on in the so-called “news,” am I right? Sure, you could listen to the bloviation on broadcast TV or the high-pitched shrieking on cable, but that will kill your soul by degrees. Wouldn’t it be great if you could get a quick recap of the week’s important stories … in cartoon form? If you said “yes,” then today is your lucky day, my friend. MORE »

Just in time for the November coup by poorly-aging gimp-DILF John McCain, the free states of America are planning to unman our households and militias. Now that Charlton Heston is safely packed in his coffin with a dozen darling rifles, 38 states want to take away our sidearms—those wonderful death-sticks that have for years consoled our bitterness regarding our poverty. (Me, I take my gun to church. Next they will take our nativity scenes and our child brides. Later flesh-coated robots will come and intercourse with our children in the public-private schools.) This initiative is led on numerous fronts: Tiny wonderful oligarch Jew Michael Bloomberg in New York is bullying all of America’s wuss-mayors; and also the extremely liberal Supreme Court is, in D.C. v. Heller, quite possibly planning on taking guns away from D.C. residents, which is exactly where America needs its guns most. You see the larger picture here: we will be defenseless against the bolt-necked army of Cindy McCains. [New York Times]

Hillary Clinton, you see, has clung to her guns in Pennsylvania long before she was bitter. As she told a crowd of working class poor pathetic hobos today in Indiana: “You know, my dad took me out behind the cottage that my grandfather built on a little lake called Lake Winola outside of Scranton and taught be how to shoot when I was a little girl.” And this is how Hillary plans to go after Obama’s pledged delegates at the convention. Guns will make her powerful, and Bitter will keep us fat. [TPM Election Central]

Florida, you are so much more than your crime shows featuring red-headed heros such as David Caruso and that guy from Six Feet Under. You are a nation of alligators, Cubans, ancient Giuliani supporters, and gun-toting lunatics — and now you are encouraged to show up at your place of employment armed to the gills. Your legislature makes it so! MORE »

John Hugya, Pennsylvania Representative Jack Murtha’s chief of staff, used Murtha campaign funds to buy a rifle and some knives and other gun-nut baubles at an auction held by the Friends of the National Rifle Association. And then Hugya counted the $2151 he spent as a gift from the Murtha campaign, even though the Murtha folks said the money was a payment to Friends of the NRA for “advertising.” Talk about a scandal! MORE »

President George W. Bush continued to waste his last year in office Saturday, as he hosted a reception for Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen at his Crawford ranch. As they were eating lunch and discussing the… tense?… relations between Denmark and the United States, some batshit redneck lady was threatening to shoot Danish journalists for trespassing across the street. Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen was not harmed in the incident. MORE »

Is New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin threatening to kill Wonkette with his various automatic weapons? Check out this interview with a local New Orleans news station, where he yells at The Internet for making fun of that photo where he’s being silly, with firearms. He says that because he was criticized for this photo, the “blogs” are now putting his family at risk. Silly Ray, the blogs love you and your “rugged individual” approach towards governance. Besides, bloggers don’t have any weapons with which to inflict harm, since you own every weapon in the country. [WWLTV]