Wonkette

• Bitters are stocking up on guns before Obama sends all firearms all to Kenya, so his ancestors can more easily sacrifice animals in his honor. [Top of the Ticket]
• OMG Drudge Siren! Bill Ayers attended a lecture given by Jeremiah Wright last night. [Ben Smith]
• Andrew Sullivan is still demanding Sarah Palin’s medical records. Palin, who has literally no reason whatsoever to release her medical records, is stubbornly refusing to comply. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Now you can get your Hope Pornography in hardcover. [Jonathan Martin]
• The Hispanics whom the GOP were unable to successfully deport against their wills are now Democrats, for the most part. [Swampland]
• Al Gore, America’s most thriving national tragedy, probably won’t serve in Obama’s cabinet, but he’s gonna get right in there, just gonna do whatever he can, helpin’ out. [The Plank]

Stocks may be up or down another 900 points right now, who knows — but they are very much down in general, like 35% down. And houses, they are worth nine dollars each, in KFC coupons, yet there are no takers. All the car manufacturers are shutting down, forever, and soon gasoline will be 45 cents a gallon again, and nobody will want some. Are Americans buying anything these days? Yes, they are buying millions of guns, for the coming race war. MORE »

Two jackasses in SUVs were in traffic leaving a Sarah Palin Klan Rally in Colorado on Monday when one, in a Kia, tried to pull ahead of the guy in the Chrysler. They yelled whatever at each other, then the Chrysler jackass pulled a loaded handgun on the other Palin loser. After he was arrested, the 62-year-old gun nut told the cops he “wanted to be ready for anything.” Jesus fucking christ, we all need to go buy a million guns this weekend, because these dingbats are going to go berserk on Election Night. [Post Independent]

Good news, Obamatards with tickets to Barack Obama & the Decemberists’ big concert at Mile High Stadium: You are encouraged to go through 10 miles of security lines and enter the INVESCO outdoor FEMA detainment camp at 1 p.m., a half day before Obama will speak. Also, you can’t bring booze. Also, there will be no booze for sale. Hope sucks. Read the whole terrifying list of fun weapons and drugs and animals you CANNOT bring to the greatest football game on Earth, after the jump. MORE »

Ha, Layne started writing about this WTOP column at the same time and posted first, but he didn’t even quote the foreboding last paragraph in full! This columnist, Mark Segraves, has done us the very kind favor of scaring us shitless: “As readers of this column will recall, I purchased a handgun the very first day the District began accepting applications for registering handguns. Because the law does not permit individuals from transporting unregistered handguns across state lines, my 38 Smith & Wesson sits in the back room of the gun store in Maryland where I bought it. Waiting for the day it can be legally shipped into the District. That day is getting closer.” Goo! Making fun of him is probably not the smartest thing to do, but martyrdom never comes easy. [WTOP]

Ever since its founding by George Washington in 17-whatever-something, the District of Columbia has never heard the thrilling ring of gunfire. Finally, after more than two centuries of firearm-free boredom, Washington will get its very first guns, this month! MORE »

This is inventive: “An Oregon state senator has been hospitalized with an accidental gunshot wound in the knee. The Medford Mail Tribune reports that Republican Jason Atkinson, 37, was hit while repairing a friend’s bicycle Tuesday. Central Point police say a .38-caliber derringer was in a bag attached to the bike, and it fired when Atkinson dropped the bag … The John McCain campaign named him an honorary chairman for Oregon activities.” Promote this man, Walnuts — he’s more competent than any of your current top advisers. [OregonLive]

Barack Obama today revealed that he hates John McCain’s tax plan and will therefore kill him with guns: “Obama jokingly claimed that Wild Bill Hickock, a famous old Western gunslinger, was a distant cousin of his so McCain should be on the alert. ‘I’m ready to duel John McCain on taxes. Right now, right here. I’m a quick draw,’ Obama quipped.” OK, we get it Hussein, YOU HAD WHITE ANCESTORS. McCain responded that he knew Bill Hickock and you, sir, are no Bill Hickock. [ABC News]

The “A” location on this space satellite Google Maps image is 2101 L Street NW, the ONLY Starbucks that will be closed in Washington D.C. out of 600-ish closed ones nationwide. This is problematic for two reasons: (1) there is nary another bean shop anywhere near this rich, young-professionalized and textbook yuppie part of Northwest D.C. and (2) this was the Starbucks for HOSPITAL and WOUND CARE patients, as you can see. People get shot all the time with legal guns in this city and now they will have no Starbucks coffee! [Washington Post]

One sad Oklahoma church won’t be giving away a very special semiautomatic assault rifle to one lucky boy or girl who loves the Lord. The Windsor Hills Baptist Church is holding a youth conference next week, which will feature “21 hours of preaching and teaching.” A shootin’ contest was also on the docket until the gentleman running the sacred event had to stay home because of “bone spurs on his foot” or somesuch (that is what they say in this video, here) so now the winner won’t get an AR-15 semiautomatic assault rifle, and Jesus weeps. [KOCO Oklahoma City]

• D.C. BLOGGER SHOT: Media Consortium reporter Brian Beutler was gunned down in Adams Morgan “pretty much directly in front of Andrew Sullivan’s apartment.” Beutler and a buddy were walking from the Black Cat to The Diner late Tuesday night when two teen-age gangsters tried to mug them, and Beutler was shot at least once. He’s in the hospital, his spleen was removed, and he’s supposed to make a full recovery. Beutler’s been reporting on U.S. torture and the ongoing FISA outrage. [DCist/Reason/Gawker]