Anyone who has ever been on an Amtrak train—especially during rush hour or the onset of holiday weekends—knows how much better things would be aboard that train if passengers were allowed to bring guns on it. Any and all conflicts would be basically pre-solved, because whoever wins is just whoever has a gun, see? Anyway, Congress is all for it, and they are willing to withhold $1.5 billion in funding from Amtrak—or shoot Amtrak with a gun concealed in its messenger bag—unless this is allowed by April. MORE »

Meet, Chris Daggett, the hidden third candidate running for governor of New Jersey. Oh but get this: He made the silliest mistake ever the other day when he went to return his rental Acura and forgot that he left his loaded gun in the car. Cupholders! The gun apparently belonged to his driver, a retired state trooper, and “Daggett’s spokesman, Tom Johnson, said the candidate was not even aware of the gun having been in the car.” Daggett has been far, far too busy tending to his gratuitous consonants collection and secretly running for public office to notice any loaded firearms. [NJ.com]

You know who’s a badass? This guy, Dean Allen, Republican candidate for state adjutant general (oversees National Guard-y, emergency management stuff). Just look at the way he pulls that trigger on his AK-47! MORE »

A group of important politicians, including Senators Harry Reid and John Ensign and also the beloved waitress-assaulting alcoholic buffoon Governor Jim Gibbons, gathered ’round uncomfortably to dedicate a new 2900-acre shooting park in Clark County, Nevada yesterday. Ensign reportedly “gazed into his lap, fiddling with his wedding band, turning it this way and that, slipping it off and putting it on different fingers.” What a douche! MORE »

• HANDSY N.C. STATE SENATOR SHOOTS HOME INTRUDER: This is why we need military-grade assault weapons, people: “TABOR CITY, N.C. — A sheriff says North Carolina’s longest serving state lawmaker has shot one of two intruders who kicked in the front door of his home.” This is a real win-win, here, because the senator, R.C. Soles, was able to protect himself with his gun, the news of which has introduced the rest of us to “R.C. Soles,” who allegedly has a penchant for teenage cock. [AP]

That guy who brought one measly handgun (on his thigh!) to Obama’s rally in New Hampshire last week? He was a pussy. This fellow this morning brought a pistol and an AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle to Obama’s town hall in Arizona this morning. He “was walking around the pro-health care reform rally at 3rd and Washington streets.” 100% legal, times a million, to boot. Next week some slob will bring a Panzer tank to one of these things, “just in case” he has to protect his rights. [Arizona Republic via Gawker]

Here’s a police department mugshot of the guy found at the New Hampshire high school where Obama did his wingnut-free health-care Logan’s Run talky talk. Richard Terry Young, age 62, was reportedly grabbed by the cops and/or Secret Service at Portsmouth High School on Tuesday morning before Obama arrived. Dude had a knife, and the cops reportedly found his car nearby, with an unregistered loaded gun inside. MORE »

You can’t bring GUNS and stand on grassy knolls during presidential events, people! Oh, unless the grassy knolls are owned by wingnut churches, then it’s cool. Your fault if anything happens, Obama! [YouTube]

Whoa, Newsmax, what kind of crazy are you sending us on this lazy summer afternoon? WHAT?! Famous millionaire Doctor Pizza is giving away free guns? For the coming race war? Sign us up, for FREE! Seriously go sign up and get these free guns because guess who will get them if you don’t?

• Bobby Jindal bought himself a $1 scratch ticket for his birthday — Barack Loot — and look, he won! Even Indian people in Louisiana can live the American Dream. [Think Progress]
• Joe Biden loves the ladies. The Ukrainian Ladies. [HuffPost]
• REDSTATE SIREN! Call your senator and demand that John Thune’s “Protect Yourself From Homos” amendment is added to the hate crimes bill, which will probably be voted on tomorrow. [RedState]
• David Vitter might lose his seat in 2010 for not having enough hooker sex. [TPM]
• Andrew Sullivan’s substitute write-in zombie performs a voluntary Rickroll. [Andrew Sullivan]

Mike Huckabee has always seemed like a nice enough fellow, which is strange, because he also wants us all to shoot each other! Here he argues that if Iranian lady Neda had had a gun, she would’ve been able to shoot all of those mean people first, meaning… [some sort of segue, while laughing]… the American Constitution’s Bill of Rights is not what you think it is: “Some of us fail to understand that our 1st Amendment right to speak and assemble is meaningless without our 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.” Misread! [YouTube via Slog]