Tag Archives: gun nuts

  For the Balancing of the Humours

The Snake Oil Bulletin: ‘Health Rangers,’ Please Don’t Put GMO Scientists On Your ‘Kill Lists’

Fresh out of butt jokes this week.
Are you suffering from a poor case of chin cough, milk leg, or St. Anthony’s Fire? Well step right up hyah! Your Wonkette proudly presents to you, at only a modest fee, the Snake Oil Bulletin, your premier source for news on the world of woo, pseudoscience, and general bunkum! We have much to cover (and so many brain cells to kill), so let’s hop right in to it. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: ‘Health Rangers,’ Please Don’t Put GMO Scientists On Your ‘Kill Lists’…
  guns way way way before butter

The Blaze So Excited About Tennessee Restaurant That Really Loves Gun Humpers

Though the gun humpers are hell-bent on humping their guns everywhere, they’ve recently suffered some setbacks with places like Target and Chipotle taking away their god-given Second Amendment freedoms by not letting them roll into the store on a tank or whatever. But all is not lost! The Blaze has found some completely random restaurant in Tennessee that loves them some guns, which totally proves oh good lord we have no idea what it proves. But lack of a news hook doesn’t stop The Blaze from giving this rustic restaurant paradise the longest, slowest, most loving tongue bath ever. Read more on The Blaze So Excited About Tennessee Restaurant That Really Loves Gun Humpers…
  bullseye

Target Stores Are The Latest Lucky Hosts Of Open Carry Texas Idiots

Another day, another story about some gun nuts that just won’t be happy if they can’t bring a semi-automatic weapon to the corner store when they pick up a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. Having been turned away by ginormous chains like Starbucks, Chipotle, Sonic, and Chili’s, Texas’s extra-virulent brand of gun humpers have now turned their sights, literally and figuratively, to Target, because when you’re going in for little Timmy’s LEGO set or a surprisingly cheap and stylish pair of shorts, you best be strapped. Read more on Target Stores Are The Latest Lucky Hosts Of Open Carry Texas Idiots…
  sweet home

Gun Humpers Fight For Their Right To Shoot Up All The Polling Places, For Freedom

Remember when history’s greatest and most pervasive monsters, the New Black Panther Party, showed up with a whopping two dudes or so in Philly in 2008 and stood around intimidating little old white ladies by holding doors open for them and everyone over at The Daily Blaze Glenn Caller Beck Show whined all the whines in the world? We’d so like to line up those crybabies to chat a wee bit about yesterday’s voting in Alabama, which was basically nothing but GunNutPalooza, with living stereotypes demanding to tote their guns from the pickup truck to the voting booth like Jesus and America said they could, and then wailing SO HARD if they couldn’t. Read more on Gun Humpers Fight For Their Right To Shoot Up All The Polling Places, For Freedom…
  hunting the most derpiest game

Open Carry Gun Humpers Prevail Over NRA, Are Gunniest Nuttiest Humpiest Of All

We are having one hell of a time keeping up with this internecine gun group warfare. It all started Monday, when the grandaddy of all gun-humpers, the NRA, asked some of the open carry folks to please chill because toting machine guns to TGIFriday’s was making the sheeple nervous. The open carry folks, of course, were having none of that, and called the NRA pussies or blew their heads off or however it is that gun nuts fight. You’d hope that the slightly less-batshit NRA prevailed in this instance but hahaha of course not, because the NRA backed down, muttering “our bad” and trying not to make any sudden movements lest they be cut in half by an AK. Read more on Open Carry Gun Humpers Prevail Over NRA, Are Gunniest Nuttiest Humpiest Of All…
  Second Amendment Follies

Veep Recap: The Punch Heard ‘Round the World

The campaign within the campaign has begun to take over the actual campaign on this week’s episode of “Veep.” We open on Selina’s motorcade descending on the blighted urban Thunderdome that is Detroit, and there’s a some kind of economic summit going on. Selina’s limo creeps past protesters straight out of central casting, and she body-snarks them, and she and Gary have a laugh, though she’s really sort of laughing at Gary too. Read more on Veep Recap: The Punch Heard ‘Round the World…
  is nothing sacred?

Supreme Court Coming To Grab Your Guns Just Because You Beat Your Wife, Like That Is Even Fair

So let’s say you are a person who abuses your spouse, but only in the teeniest tiniest way. And let’s say you plead guilty, just to put that whole mess behind you. That shouldn’t stop you from your God-given right to amass a veritable armory of guns at the house, should it? HELL TO THE NO. This is ‘Merica, and if you beat your wife just a little bit, you should still have a gun, right? But America is crumbling, thanks to those Supreme Court activist judges, who held today that even if you feel like your misdemeanor conviction for domestic violence was no big deal, it still stops you from owning a gun, because Congress said so. WHAT IS THIS COUNTRY COMING TO?? Read more on Supreme Court Coming To Grab Your Guns Just Because You Beat Your Wife, Like That Is Even Fair…
  26 days of idiocy

Hero School Board Member Martyred Over Plan To Lovingly Remember Sandy Hook Victims With Ammo Giveaway

Last month, lots of people worked through their continuing grief over Sandy Hook in their own ways. There were moments of silence and flags flown at half-mast. Some people, like Gregory Beck, a member of the Brookfield school board, which is about 15 minutes from Newtown, decided that the best way for him to remember the Sandy Hook victims was to engage in “26 Acts of Kindness” by which he meant that he would buy ammo for all his gun-fiend friends for 26 days. Read more on Hero School Board Member Martyred Over Plan To Lovingly Remember Sandy Hook Victims With Ammo Giveaway…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

You Can Pry The Smith & Wesson From Lady’s Cold Dead Hoo-Haw, And Other Notable Gun News

Oh hai! Welcome to this edition of Our Cold Dead Hands, Wonkette’s weekly look at the state of the gun debate in America, where evil liberals bent on controlling every aspect of your lives continue their efforts to disarm the brave patriots who are the only line of defense between you and the FEMA death camps. You’ll thank them some day, you docile sheep! Read more on You Can Pry The Smith & Wesson From Lady’s Cold Dead Hoo-Haw, And Other Notable Gun News…
  caribou barbie

Field & Stream ‘Gun Nuts’ Columnist Zapruders Sarah Palin

Poor Sarah Palin. She got fired from Fox (probably, why not) and doesn’t even have a reality show anymore. Since nobody in her family seems to have a job, ever, who is going to keep her in Taco Bell? And now the “Gun Nuts” columnists at Field & Stream are examining a three-year-old video from when she did have a reality show, and saying that Little Miss Authenticity is a nitwit loser phony who can’t even shoot large meese? WHAT THE FUCK, FIELD & STREAM. Read more on Field & Stream ‘Gun Nuts’ Columnist Zapruders Sarah Palin…
  Bang-Bang! He Shot Me Down

NRA: Despite Living In House Full Of Guns, More Guns Could Have Saved Kasandra Perkins

In the ritualized aftermath of a high-profile shooting, there are certain things that absolutely must happen. Obviously, it is very important to explain how the victim’s poor choices led to the tragedy, so that We At Home can feel marginally safer and reassured, because we would never make those bad choices. And, of course, there’s the inevitable fairy tale spun by the National Rifle Association: If only the victim had been armed, she wouldn’t have been a victim. So when NFL linebacker Jovan Belcher shot and killed his girlfriend, Kasandra Perkins, last week, the only surprise was that it actually took NRA president Wayne LaPierre several days to come out with his carefully thought-out analysis: “The one thing missing in that equation is that woman owning a gun so she could have saved her life from that murderer,” LaPierre told USA TODAY Sports on Thursday […] “Owning guns is a mainstream part of American culture and it’s growing every day. My God, there’s nothing more mainstream in this country than 100 million Americans who own firearms.” Golly, if only Kassandra Perkins had known the security of firearms ownership! She might still be alive! There’s only one small problem with that notion. Perkins and Belcher were both avid shooters, and the couple owned as many as eight guns. Read more on NRA: Despite Living In House Full Of Guns, More Guns Could Have Saved Kasandra Perkins…
  pry this job from my cold dead hands

Missouri House Backs Making Gun Nuts Protected Class

Missouri state Rep. Wanda Brown has had it up to here with the suspicion, the bigotry, the gol-dang prejudice against a certain class of Murkins who know from the pain of intolerance and hatred, and Rep. Wanda Brown did not just sit there! She did something about it! Which poor beleaguered folk have felt the sweet veiny warmth of Brown’s bony embrace? Is it a class of people who have been discriminated against in any way whatsoever, in History? No, it is Gun Owners, for Jesus. Read more on Missouri House Backs Making Gun Nuts Protected Class…
  the idjits

Arizona Cop Not Sure What Big Deal Is Over His Bullet-Riddled Obama Photo

What had we gone, a whole week or so without a news story about a public official cracking jokes online about murdering Barack Obama? That’s kind of a long time! Don’t “worry,” however, Mexico still does not want Arizona back, so we will never go too long without one of these kinds of things while a black guy is president: the Secret Service is investigating Sgt. Pat Shearer, a Peoria, Arizona police officer, after he posted a Facebook picture of a group of assault rifle-wielding teenagers holding up a bullet-riddled t-shirt with Barack Obama’s face on it during one of their Future Gas Station Attendants of America meetings. Shearer has taken the photo down, but come on, he just wants to know, what is everyone’s problem? Since when did everyone start taking assassination so seriously? Read more on Arizona Cop Not Sure What Big Deal Is Over His Bullet-Riddled Obama Photo…
  thanksgiving needs more guns

Arizona Gun Nuts Pose Children With Assault Rifles and Santa

Have you somehow forgotten about Arizona these past few days? Let’s remember it all over again, for the holidays! Nothing says “mythology of the peaceful savior Jesus” like an Arizona gun club hosting a Guns ‘n Santa family foto event. “I thinks it’s going to be all in fun from those who support the second amendment and those who don’t,” a local gun nut tells the teevee news in Phoenix. We heartily agree! Read more on Arizona Gun Nuts Pose Children With Assault Rifles and Santa…
  subtle

Devil Child Scott Walker Welcomes Gun Nuts And Their Weapons To Capitol

Stinky corporate gym sock puppet Scott Walker has a crafty new rule for Wisconsin state Capitol visitors: the guys on his team, Republican gun nuts who want to be able to carry their guns wherever they go, will now be allowed to bring concealed weapons into the building. The people on the other team, the harassing Marxists who want to be able to bring in video cameras to record lawmaker goblins whooping and dancing around the bonfire of voting rights and state pensions, will still be violently arrested and carted off. But here’s Scott Walker’s main point for you libtards who refuse to leave him alone on his own turf: which team here now has guns? Read more on Devil Child Scott Walker Welcomes Gun Nuts And Their Weapons To Capitol…
  fond memories of horrible violence

Arizona GOP Fundraiser Remembers Giffords Shooting With Glock Raffle

Arizona’s paranoid racist teabagger trolls will usually only crawl out of their fallout shelters on the rumor of a good illegal alien desert hunt, but a cool murder weapon giveaway always comes in a close second. The Pima County GOP knows this about their insane constituents, so they are selling raffle tickets to win a Glock pistol to anyone who donates $10 or more to their campaign war chest in memory of the Gabby Giffords shooting in their district that made Glock pistols so popular with fearful teabagger assholes right after the massacre. Never forget, Arizona!   Read more on Arizona GOP Fundraiser Remembers Giffords Shooting With Glock Raffle…