Tag Archives: gubernatorial

  wward: what would ann richards do?

Ted Nugent Will Poop On Wendy Davis Like She Is His Underwear In The Vietnam Draft

We don’t know much about Texas politics, and we don’t want to. But it strikes us as maybe a bit desperate of Republican gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott to be campaigning with Ted Nugent, the terminally conservative guitar man of “Obama is a sub-human mongrel” fame, and Hillary Clinton “should ride my machine gun” fame, and “I will either be dead or in jail” if Obama wins re-election fame, and “I will poop in my pants to avoid fighting in Vietnam” (paraphrased) fame, and other fames. He is quite famous, for being simply awful, and also playing guitar pretty good. This race hasn’t been polled in a while, but RCP had Abbott up by about 10% in November, and that was before Wendy Davis was a terrible liar because she was only a dirt poor single mother for a while before she wasn’t anymore, on account of getting married, like conservatives say poor ladies should do, then getting divorced, which conservatives do all the time, just like everyone else. We can’t find trouble for Abbott in the polls, except for this one: The Wonkette Poll Of Is There Any Reason To Campaign With Ted Nugent In A Statewide Race Unless You Are In Serious Trouble? A full 100% of respondents said “Hell no, you crazy?!” (Sample size: 1.) Read more on Ted Nugent Will Poop On Wendy Davis Like She Is His Underwear In The Vietnam Draft…
  sweeping out sleeping in

Meg Whitman’s Illegal Mexican Housekeeper Was Illegal, Mexican

Gloria Allred, one of those high-profile controversial lawyer people, shoved Meg Whitman’s former illegal immigrant housekeeper into the limelight today, because now is a pretty good time to do that. Nicky Diaz–Santillan worked for Whitman for nine illegal years, but was apparently fired when Whitman was preparing to run for governor because she was illegal. So how often did Meg Whitman beat this woman during those nine years for not illegally doing her job correctly? Read more on Meg Whitman’s Illegal Mexican Housekeeper Was Illegal, Mexican…
  just one of those dumb keystone commercials?

Tom Tancredo Comforts Olds About Dan Maes’ Evilness

As Weigel notes, this woman doesn’t actually say what Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes did to her, or even who she is. Did Maes steal her Social Security checks and then rape her, or did he rape her and then steal her Social Security checks? It turns out that Maes asked her to help him pay his mortgage, and then said it was just a campaign contribution. Tom Tancredo doesn’t have a mortgage to pay off. He acheived that by blackmailing illegal immigrants and grabbing their ranch pay. Read more on Tom Tancredo Comforts Olds About Dan Maes’ Evilness…
  cuban pulled pork sandwich at subway!

Rick Scott Wins Contest To Be First Candidate To Cut Mosque Ad, Does Hilarious Pagels Impression

By the voice and cadence and crazy words coming out of his mouth about things that have nothing to do with being governor of Florida, you would think Florida gubernatorial candidate Rick Scott is a dim paranoid schizophrenic like our pal Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Is he? Who knows? But with this video, Scott has officially won the campaign ad-making portion of the 2010 Miss Bigot USA Contest. Congratulations! You have some stiff competition (Newt will stop at nothing!), but maybe you will take home the tiara. [YouTube] Read more on Rick Scott Wins Contest To Be First Candidate To Cut Mosque Ad, Does Hilarious Pagels Impression…
  the banality of crazy

Deval Patrick Shouts At Opponent To Take Down Photo of Nice Lady With Obama-Hitler T-Shirt

It turns out that you people still eat photos of things that compare Obama to Hitler up, so Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick, in an epic quest for his own pageviewz, has noted that his opponent Charles D. Baker had one of these photos on his Flickr. “HITLER gave good speeches and had his own symbol too,” the dumb t-shirt on this lady says, unoriginally. The photo was one of 1,200 on this guy’s Flickr account, and everyone knows Flickr accounts are the most important test of a candidate’s fitness for office, so Baker took the photo down. Read more on Deval Patrick Shouts At Opponent To Take Down Photo of Nice Lady With Obama-Hitler T-Shirt…
  he is wisdom to the mighty he is succor to the brave

Basil Marceaux’s Exploiters Staged a Debate, and It Made Lincoln-Douglas Look Like a Conversation Between Two Retarded Baby Pandas

THERE HAVE BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN RHETORIC. Yet there has been only one occasion of pure, unadulterated genius. That’s what happened last night: a debate staged between the Internet’s favorite Tennessee gubernatorial candidate, Basil Marceaux, and two other crazies. Read more on Basil Marceaux’s Exploiters Staged a Debate, and It Made Lincoln-Douglas Look Like a Conversation Between Two Retarded Baby Pandas…
  why did you have to leave us pagels?

The Basil Marceaux Has Become SELF-AWARE, Is No Longer That Fun

Since we introduced you to your 2010 election boyfriend, Basil Marceaux, the man and his opposition to traffic-stop slavery have achieved virulence here on the Internets. Basil’s infamous local news broadcast introduction to voters has shown up and been laughed about on teevee shows as well. But the problem is that, despite his seeming avoidance of sanity and spelling and grammar norms, Basil is aware that he is now Internet-famous and is now looking to capitalize on it. Basil needs to put on a brave face and go back to being 100% crazy, because right now he may be JUMPING THE SHARK. Read more on The Basil Marceaux Has Become SELF-AWARE, Is No Longer That Fun…
  bir cert or u cant run

Tom Tancredo Running To Be John Elway of Colorado Government

After threatening hilariously last week, former Republican presidential candidate and very current birther / Muslin-hater Tom Tancredo has finally announced that he is indeed running for governor of Colorado, home of mile-high testicle oysters and the Broncos foot ball équipe. Tancredo is not contesting the Republican nomination, however, as he seems afraid to lose. Instead he is running as a member of the American Constitution Party, so as to achieve maximum assholishness in the general election. Read more on Tom Tancredo Running To Be John Elway of Colorado Government…
  wamp wamp

One of Basil Marceaux’s Leading Opponents, Zach Wamp, Would Like To Secede Maybe

Congressman Zach Wamp is locked in a three-way battle for the Republican nomination for Tennessee governor (though it will ultimately go to a fourth candidate, Basil Marceaux), and so to give himself an edge he has resorted to the best talking point ever (after traffic-stop slavery emancipation), hinting that he maybe would like to secede from the Union. “I hope that the American people will go to the ballot box in 2010 and 2012 so that states are not forced to consider separation from this government,” he said. It would be such a pain in the neck to go through that whole secession thing again! ANNOYYYYYYYYYYING. Just vote, you lazy bums. Read more on One of Basil Marceaux’s Leading Opponents, Zach Wamp, Would Like To Secede Maybe…
  swooooooooosh swoosh swoosh

‘Crazy Man James’ Is Heating Up Basil Marceaux’s Gubernatorial Race

Tips have been streaming in today to find “America’s Next Top Basil Marceaux,” and it appears the most worthy contestant just happens to be running against Basil Marceaux himself. “Crazy Man” James Reesor, as he calls himself, is an independent candidate for governor of Tennessee. And he actually has pretty good grammar and is sort of coherent! Look, he actually goes out and campaigns! So who is James Reesor? His Web presence is a rabbit hole of flashing GIFs and swooshing noises, but we’ll try to get to the bottom of it. Read more on ‘Crazy Man James’ Is Heating Up Basil Marceaux’s Gubernatorial Race…