Wonkette

A hobo in New York came across SECRET/ CONFIDENTIAL plans for the new World Trade Center buildings in some trash can in SoHo. “Experts said the detailed, floor-by-floor schematics contain enough detail for terrorists to plot a devastating attack. ‘Secure Document - Confidential,’ warns the title page on each of the two copies of the 150-page schematic that a homeless, recovering drug addict discovered in the public trash can.” Phew, good thing this hobo wasn’t Osama! It sure requires intense knowledge of the circuit boards in the building when you’re planning to blow it up with a 747. Now that hobo can enjoy being famous, in Guantanamo Bay. [NY Post]

Former undersecretary of defense for policy Douglas Feith — the fucking stupidest guy on the face of the earth — is prominently featured in a new Vanity Fair feature about all the lying he, Donald Rumsfeld, John Yoo, David Addington, and Jim Haynes translated into sketchy (at best) legalese in order to torture other humans. In reference to the administration’s decision to disregard the Geneva Conventions for prisoners of Guantanamo Bay, Ol’ Dougy clearly has mixed feelings about it! And by mixed we mean not that at all: “‘This was something I played a major role in,’ he began, in a tone of evident pride.” It gets… it just gets so much worse. Guy’s a real hoot. MORE »

David Hicks, a white Australian dude, was picked up fighting with the Taliban in 2001 and brought to Guantanamo. He spent 5 years there before he pled guilty last March to providing material support to al Qaeda as part of a deal to serve out the remainder of his sentence back home in Australia. He was released today. There are more than 300 inmates remaining at Guantanamo, 150 of whom we pretty much have no intention of never releasing. I’m guessing none of them are white. [Yahoo News]

Mike Huckabee continued to spread his subliminal floating Christmas cheer in Iowa today by telling supporters that Guantanamo Bay is one helluva good time. Specifically, it’s “too nice”! And he would know because he’s been there and is now a goddamn expert. Thanks for the news, motherfuckabee! We wouldn’t know, because all of the tapes have been destroyed. MORE »

Did you really think they’d shut the Guantánamo Bay prison down? You’re so sweet. Bob Gates kinda did, too, only then he got that job as Defense Secretary and found out that the wheels of “justice” turn slower than an elderly gerbil on a really, really heavy wheel.

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Sort of. Maybe. The President signed an Executive Order today telling the CIA to stop doing all the torture that the White House told them to do to fight terror just like the guy on the TV. The order forbids “sexual or sexually indecent acts undertaken for the purpose of humiliation, forcing the individual to perform sexual acts or to pose sexually, threatening the individual with sexual mutilation, or using the individual as a human shield,” or “sexytime.” Also you are no longer to flush comically undersized Korans down comically large toilets. MORE »

The Supreme Court, reversing course, agreed Friday to eventually decide 5-4 that Guantanamo Bay detainees may not go to federal court to challenge their indefinite confinement. MORE »

Dick Cheney is so evil, the Post has started a blog about him. In a lengthy four-part series, the Post will lay bare the Dick Cheney story, and basically summarize and clarify everything we already know about him with but new, entertainingly terrifying anecdotes and interviews.

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* Clarence Thomas doesn’t want the EPA to act on global warming, cause he likes it hot. [WP, NYT, LAT, USAT]
* Antonin Scalia doesn’t want to address the legality of holding detainees at Guantánamo, cause he hears cries of innocent men in his dreams at night, and likes it. [WP, NYT]
* No one hates America more than Harry Reid. [WP]
* Mitt Romney is an “aggressive fundraiser,” John McCain has “a host of shortcomings.” [WP, WSJ]
* Even intelligence reports in Italy are luxuriously handcrafted, accurate. [WP]
* NASA Inspector General Robert Cobb could end up fired — into space on the back of a photon torpedo. [WP, NYT]

* If all goes well, Iraq will be able to end just as well as Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Vietnam. [WP, NYT]
* Kyle Sampson sticks to the truth like stink on shit. [WP, NYT, LAT]
* John Edwards is the internet. [WP]
* Cabinet Secretary Judy Giuliani. [WP, NYT]
* Arresting illegal immigrants is so fun everyone should do it. [USAT]
* Guantánamo Bay II now selling, brand new cells will be walking distance to interrogation centers and hiking trails. [NYT]

* Senate Republicans hope John McCain shows up to work so they can avoid a veto of the Iraq funding bill. Please note that we didn’t take the easy “soften stance on pullout” headline joke. [WP, NYT]
* Gonzales’ aide invokes her “fifth amendment right” while taking “an indefinite leave of absence.” We’ve come a long way as a society — a few years ago she just would’ve been “disappeared.” [WP, NYT]
* FBI so excited about their new anti-terrorism powers they’re doing donuts in the nations’ personal information parking lot. [WP]
* First Guantánamo detainee actually found guilty, entered the plea himself, and is Australian. Swarthiest possible actors will continue to be cast for every “bad guy” movie role, however. [WP, NYT, LAT]
* David Stockman is thankful there aren’t any emails to dig through from the Reagan administration. [WP]
* Lawrence Small tells Smithsonian board of regents they can take his job and shove it into a jewel encrusted urn. [WP]
* Jim Webb tells Capitol police they can take his gun from the cold, dead hands of his aide. [WP]