Here is the story of how John McCain picked his running mate: after Barack Obama selected Joe Biden instead of Hillary Clinton, McCain went on a six-day Nyquil bender and at the end of it slurred, “Get me one of them wimmins.” He had always had his heart set on another salty warmonger like himself: Joe Lieberman. But conservatives hated Joe Lieberman for being an abortionist, and there just wasn’t enough room on one ticket for such a terrifying abundance of old man cheeks. MORE »

Civil War veteran John McCain served his country with “honor,” but he has no idea what “honor” even means! In a hilarious Q&A with TIME Magazine — hilarious because he’s just barking “Get off my lawn!” at the poor reporters — McCain is asked a simple, boring, “just quote your stump speech” question, and he goes absolutely crazy. MORE »

John McCain has squeezed every possible bit of fame and wealth from his heroic plane crash 40 years ago, so he’s super angry about how Barack Obama is also a political celebrity who has also written best-sellers and became famous for something that happened 40 years ago (His birth). This is why the McCain campaign has boldly made a shitty commercial with pictures of Britney Spears from back when Bob Dole was doing Viagra ads with the forgotten teen starlet. Being popular is scary! MORE »

CNN host Larry King, the only man in America older than John McCain, has a 9-year-old son who plays Little League baseball in Beverly Hills. And because Larry King grew up back when the sport was called “stickball” and involved tossing around a shrunken pig’s bladder stuffed with India ink, lignum vitae, and torn drafts of the Constitution, he is an Expert who coaches his son’s team. It appears that Coach King didn’t take his mood-control pills the other day, because he flew into a rage at an umpire! MORE »

HOUSE REPUBLICANS STOMP OUT OF CONGRESS, NOBODY CARES: Hey, a whole bunch of GOP representatives angrily walked out of the House this afternoon because they’re so angry about how Josh Bolten and Harriet Miers were finally held in contempt of Congress for all their many crimes against America, God and Nature. Happy angry Valentine’s Day, children! [CNN]

The GOP candidates spent about three minutes on Iraq. Remember that place, where we sort of had those problems? Well Ron Paul is the only guy who will say what Dennis Kucinich said — and it’s completely true, of course, but you can’t win an election in America by bitching about a failed war. (Ask John Kerry. Or George McGovern.) And that’s why Part II of this debate is all about giving things to old people! MORE »