We’re a day late to this one and have no time for long, meandering first paragraphs about nothing. Here’s the deal: The Politico has written a pornographic feature about how it wants to fuck Peter Orszag, Grover Norquist, Christopher Hitchens, Chuck Todd, Rahm Emanuel, Eric Cantor, and Dr. Congressman Ron Paul, in that order, maybe. MORE »

Perhaps in honor of CPAC, but with no mention of CPAC at all, the Washington Post has run a delightful “color piece” this morning about what it’s for young Republican hatchlings looking for work in Washington, where they are no longer welcome. Basically there are about seven of these people, total, all gaming for one position at Grover Norquist’s tax place. Let us learn more about these out-of-luck patriots, by block-quoting a few of the funny things they say. MORE »

America’s Princess Diplobot had a busy end of March: She celebrated 4,000 troop deaths in Iraq, reminisced about slavery, and reignited vice presidential rumors all by herself, by doing nothing more than talking to a friendly bear. Way to go, girl! Catch up with Condi after the jump!

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As if Americans didn’t have enough trouble with The Illegals coming up from Mexico to take all of our high-paying lettuce-picking jobs, there’s a new menace on the horizon. It comes from the lost pirate nation of Australia, which is sending a flood of lobbyists over our borders and depriving many hard-working Americans of the right to bribe Congress for a living. MORE »

This week, Dave Chapelle, Carl Levin, Stephanie Herseth Sandlin, Grover Norquist, Margaret Spellings, Ann Gillespie, Rusty, Chris Matthews and Masi Oka were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump.

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As you may have heard, The Onion now has a DC edition. And because one party celebrating this wasn’t nearly enough, they threw another one last Wednesday. This one was a slightly classier occasion, with a more exclusive guest list and much classier venue: the Folger Shakespeare Library. MORE »

* Conservative anger orgy generates new things to hate at a grueling pace. [The Gaggle]
* Grover Norquist is still belly-dancing and wants his fellow tax-crusaders to do the same. [Think Progress]
* It’s acceptable to tolerate Rick Santorum for however long he’s talking smack about McCain. [The Swamp]
* Sharon Stone is desperate enough to play Valerie Plame in what will surely be the most boring movie of whatever year it gets released. [Variety]
* Where they know Biden best, they like him least. [Political Wire]
* Barry Hussein: advancing left-of-Stalin policies since 2004. [MoJo]
* The many sins of Keith Olbermann will now go unheralded. [Olbermann Watch]
* Just not perky enough Katie, just not perky enough. [On Tap]

Those interested in the commuting, eating, and theater habits of John Bolton , Evan Bayh, Grover Norquist, and Sam Donaldson will find this week’s Wonk’d to their taste. Those more interested in the handjob “Tucker Carlson” got in a KFC bathroom from one of DC’s famous tranny hookers will also be well served by reading on.

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Looking for a Friday diversion? Have some highlights from last Wednesday’s Grover Norquist breakfast meeting: MORE »

Bold facers display their blithe indifference to the common man in this week’s Wonk’d as Alan Greenspan laughs uproariously at the unsuspecting pawns in Borat, Bill Clinton ignores dead bodies in the street, and fey Karl Rove won’t even give a guy a courtesy nod. James Baker still keeps it real by hanging at bars - but only if they’re really classy. At least there’s always Marion Barry, who’s hip to the hot spots, and down with the cool styles. All these celebrity drinking habits, plus Grover Norquist reduced to buying last season’s irregular suits off the rack, after the jump.

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* There is no political strategy. Just a list of Republicans Rahm Emanuel has allowed to live. [My DD]
* Yusuf Islam pulls the peace train into the station, now wants “Everyone to jump into the bomber van. Come on now, bomber van.” [The Jawa Report]
* George Bush only gives nicknames to those he loves, and he loves every Democrat in Congress. [The Morning News]
* Republicans not sweating election results, continue “high-fiving each other whenever they take a break from dancing jigs.” [1115.org]
* Today’s Martin Luther King memorial groundbreaking ceremony was emotionally charged for all, except for Tommy Hilfiger, the stone faced man. [The Swamp]
* Time magazine blames Democrats’ sissy looking mascot for this week’s boring cover design. [Media Matters]
* Asked about lessons Republicans could learn from the midterm elections, Grover Norquist offers, “Don’t throttle mistresses.” [FT]