Tag Archives: grover norquist

  Circular Firing Squad

NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub

Douche fight! Douche fight!
Better take cover, kids, because there’s a big ol’ Battle of the Rightwing True Believers a-brewin’, and there’s no telling where the stray rounds will hit. Seems that Grover Norquist is getting a little Politics of Personal Destruction thrown his way as he seeks reelection to the National Rifle Association’s Board of Directors. The whole ugly slapfight is covered in excruciating detail by Chaotic Evil Breitbart Horcrux Matthew Boyle, who chronicles the internecine dustup with all the enthusiasm of a junior high school girl telling all about the big cafeteria brawl that got That Bitch Melanie and That Other Bitch Breeanna a week of after-school detention. Read more on NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub…
  The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

Read Sam Brownback’s Lips: Whoops, We Raised Kansas’s Taxes

Remember to caption this
The last redoubt of conservative economists has always been the complaint that their radical, free-market ideas have never been tried before. If conservative ideas have never been put to the test, the argument goes, then how can you say they don’t work, you’re not even being fair! Sadly for conservative economists and their fedora-clad fanboys, Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback has, in fact, put low-tax, low-service conservatism to the test, and it didn’t work out quite the way he thought it would. Loosen up those cackling muscles, Wonketeers, because this one’s good. Read more on Read Sam Brownback’s Lips: Whoops, We Raised Kansas’s Taxes…
  There Are Cargo Cults With Better Economic Models

Now Grover Norquist Wants To Drown Republicans In The Bathtub

Wow such current meme. Still more up to date than Norquist
There is an old saying: if you laid all the economists in the world end to end, Grover Norquist would still be wrong about everything. Still, you have to give him a lot of credit (No you don’t). In spite of the fact that only 2 percent of economists polled by the University of Chicago agree with him, Norquist is trumpeting his belief that the economic recovery did not come as a result of the economic stimulus act passed in 2009. So what did cause the recovery? Why, the spending cuts caused by the sequester and the continuation of 85 percent of the Bush tax cuts, you silly goose. Read more on Now Grover Norquist Wants To Drown Republicans In The Bathtub…
  He Also Shares A Name With A Muppet On Socialist Public TV

Victoria Jackson Will Root Out The Muslim Menace (Grover Norquist)

You just knew this would come out
American Hero and unsuccessful county supervisor candidate Victoria Jackson is very concerned about the Muslim Threat in America, of course, and is especially sad to see that even supposed conservatives like Grover Norquist are secretly helping to help Sharia Law creep into Our America. And so she has published a very thoughtful examination of Grover Norquist’s disloyalty to America, in a two-part series that is Just Asking Questions: Is Republican Grover Norquist Connected to Islamic Terrorists? Also, Who is Grover Norquist? Friend or Foe? Read more on Victoria Jackson Will Root Out The Muslim Menace (Grover Norquist)…
  needs more songs about drowning

Other ‘Pro-Family’ Songs For Grover Norquist Besides The One About Shooting Your Wife

Reading Is For Snobs had a nice catch today with the Grover Norquist tweet you see above (above). Asked for his favorite Jimi Hendrix song, the anti-tax “small government” guru chose “Hey Joe” because it is pro-Second-Amendment and pro-family! (Pro-Second-Amendmenting your family, at any rate.) Let’s reacquaint ourselves with Hendrix’s pro-family message, shall we? Fuck yeah, shot her down now! Hahaha, what a dumb dead bitch. But are there other songs with equally good messages for the man who ideates on waterboarding the government like some kind of violent jihadi? Sure! Let’s think of some, together! Read more on Other ‘Pro-Family’ Songs For Grover Norquist Besides The One About Shooting Your Wife…
  mostly you just make me mad

Grover Norquist & Company Go Full Mean Girl On Ted Cruz

Poor Grover Norquist. He was so famous once! He was the guy who got nearly every Republican congressthing to sign a “no tax hikes ever” pledge, which turned out to actually mean “no tax hikes on rich people,” remember that? Remember how the Sourest Muppet was totally copacetic with letting the proles suffer the expiry of the payroll tax cut, but refusing to allow the Bush-era tax cuts on high earners to expire was a hill you had to die on if you were a Good Republican? ANYWAY, it seems Grover is not happy! Grover just wants to get Republicans elected to office, you see, but there’s a certain Canadian striver who is making that job harder and harder. Surprise, It’s Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz’s soft launch of his “Ted Cruz For President of the Perpetually Aggrieved Retrograde Fantasists 2016 Campaignwreck” shutdown/debt default crisis two-for-one ended up costing Republicans quite a few brownie points in the polls. Not good, thinks Grover Norquist! Smack must be talked! And he’s off to a good start: “I have never had a criticism of Ted Cruz’s strategy because I’ve never been able to find it,” he told some “progressive” radio traitor, according to Breitbart. Is there more? Oh, oh yes. Read more on Grover Norquist & Company Go Full Mean Girl On Ted Cruz…
  Derp In The Heart of Texas

Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst Finds Campaign Issue, Calls For Obama Impeachment

At a Tea Party meeting Monday night at a Lutheran church in Fort Worth, Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst, who is running for re-election, called for the impeachment of President Barack Obama. This is now apparently something that lieutenant governors now have a say in. “This election is about protecting you and your freedoms, which are given to you by God, but which are being trampled on by Barack Obama right now. I don’t know about you, but Barack Obama ought to be impeached,” he declared to hearty applause. “Not only for trampling on our liberties, but what he did in Benghazi is just a crime.” After Dewhurst and other candidates spoke, the crowd was treated to a talk on how scary Muslims have infiltrated the U.S. Government, and then they rounded out the evening by threatening to beat up the only reporter in attendance, because lamestream media. Read more on Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst Finds Campaign Issue, Calls For Obama Impeachment…
  sadly no one was fung-fu fighting

Comedian-On-Journalist Violence Is Real And Spectacular

So apparently there is some Dante’s Inferno Ninth Circle hellscape called the “Funniest Celebrity” contest where “celebrities” (oh god is that term used loosely) make with the funny and give the money to charity. The most recent of these events happened last night in DC, and thank god we did not know about it in advance because if we had we would have moved heaven and earth to stop such a terrible thing from coming into being. What kind of celebrities would you have gotten to hear from? Glad you asked! How about Ralph Nader? Grover Norquist? Now those are two dudes whose very names are super synonymous with high-larious. Maybe they’re just outliers. Maybe past participants of this thing have been actually funny. Read more on Comedian-On-Journalist Violence Is Real And Spectacular…
  Epic!

Dana Loesch Speaks, Remarkably Does Not Shatter All Glass In Thousand-Mile Radius

Sometime back in the early 1990s, CNN left its standards at one of Ted Turner’s sheep ranches and has never bothered to so much as send out a couple of interns to bring them back. We can think of no other reason why the network ever employed fetid compost pile Dana Loesch as a commentator and still allows her the occasional guest spot. Your Wonkette has a history of falling for self-absorbed and somewhat dimwitted women, and even we would not go anywhere near Dana Loesch, who projects a cloud of toxic dimwittedness so severe we imagine entire fields of grass withering as she walks across them. Loesch is so unlikable that even the tragic orphans at Dead Breitbart’s Embalming Fluid Emporium fell out with her, and those dipshits love anyone to the right of your average banana republic commandante. But there she was on Thursday, booked on Piers Morgan’s show to discuss gun control with, we shit you not, Grover Norquist and Van Jones. Why Van Jones keeps subjecting himself to debates with conservatives on CNN is a mystery that will perhaps one day be solved by a good psychiatrist or a swift kick to the nuts. Really, he can’t do better than this? And Grover “The Tax Man Cometh and His Right Early” Norquist is known for one thing, and that is the dogmatic enforcement of an anti-tax creed he thought up when he was twelve years old. He should not be given access to so much as a box of crayons, because he would eat them while complaining about stupid liberals who want to make him share his crayons with starving poor people. And yet there he was, in a broadcast studio, in front of a television camera, which someone had deliberately pointed in his direction in the hope of eliciting his opinion on issues affecting real live humans. Read more on Dana Loesch Speaks, Remarkably Does Not Shatter All Glass In Thousand-Mile Radius…
  allah ladies in the house say yeah

Horrible Woman Too Horrible To Attend Conference Of Horrible People

If you’ve noticed the acrid smell of gelled hair burning today, that’s the scent of the conservative world en fuego. The battle for the hearts and minds of the worst Americans is on, and it pits the terrible against the even more terrible. At the center of the fight is Pamela Geller, who can most charitably be described as an anti-Islam activist and can most accurately be described as a racist shitbag who thinks Muslims cause cavities. As a looney-tunes piece of human garbage who wants Muslims exterminated, Geller has been one of the perennial stars of the Conservative Political Action Conference, the annual gathering of horrible human beings and future Republican presidential candidates. (Yes, we’re aware the circles intersect in that Venn diagram.) But Geller won’t be attending CPAC in 2013. It isn’t because she doesn’t want to go. She filled out an application and everything. But — and even your Wonkette has to admit this is pretty mean — they ignored her. Completely. Didn’t even send her a letter telling her she wasn’t invited, although her previous events had been standing room only (according to noted Pamela Geller expert Pamela Geller). Why did they spurn Geller? What could make her too conservative for CPAC, the conference that turned away noted union-puncher Chris Christie for getting within 20 feet of Obama and not spitting in his face? Geller committed the cardinal sin of conservative Republicans: she criticized Grover Norquist. Read more on Horrible Woman Too Horrible To Attend Conference Of Horrible People…
  mike crapo was bartending

Grover Norquist Drunk-Tweeting His Own Demise

Irrelevant short-bearded sadbear Grover Norquist is floundering in the surf. He is at an existential crossroads, with his life-defining tax pledge seeming to lose grip on legislators who are deciding in ever-growing numbers to abandon irresponsible platitudes in favor of actually legislating. “No taxes, EVARRRR!” sounds nice, but punishing legislators for compromising is rapidly appearing to have contributed to situations like the one we are in now, where legislators pass a bill full of consequences they hate, and then fight over how to undo the bill they passed, because they hate it, but nobody can agree because one side WILL NOT BUDGE. Norquist, for his part, seems to be realizing this, which is a big step forward for him. He’s still calling proposals from Democrats “impure” but approving the same proposals from Republicans, but there are bound to be growing pains with his coming to terms with his new uselessness. And, like with any major life-change, Norquist’s is being accompanied by scotch-soaked Twitter rants that don’t make any damn sense. Read more on Grover Norquist Drunk-Tweeting His Own Demise…
  taxes are for democrats

Senator Mike Lee Will Protect Poors By Protecting The Rich

Have you heard of Senator Mike Lee? Neither have we, all of these rich white guys look alike to us because we are reverse racist/sexists. Anyway, he has made it his business to stand out among the sea of white male GOP senators by going on Mike Huckabee’s radio show and something extra stupid (well, RELATIVELY extra stupid) about Poors and Job Creators and taxes. Read more on Senator Mike Lee Will Protect Poors By Protecting The Rich…
  the world according to aarp

Grover Norquist In Denial Over Breakup With Cheating GOP

Grover Norquist, an anti-tax crusader who is definitely totally also a Muslim, first sanctified the union between Congressional Republicans and himself with the Taxpayer Protection Pledge in 1986. It has been, for the most part, a harmonious relationship grounded by a mutual desire to prevent a few percentage points of income from being funneled to sick babies and handicapped old ladies. Recently, however, it’s taken the usual cruel turn toward John Irving-style white suburban key parties and silent tears. Read more on Grover Norquist In Denial Over Breakup With Cheating GOP…
  democracy is for suckers

Petition To Punch Grover Norquist In Dick Removed From White House Petition Site

Well, Wonketteers, we bring you some very depressing news: the petition for “all everyone to punch Grover Norquist in the dick” has been removed from We The People, the White House’s platform for direct democracy. This saddens us greatly for reasons that should be pretty obvious, do we really need to go into it because we’re pretty broken up about this whole thing. Also saddening for super obvious reasons: someone or someones removed the petition for President Obama to do the hokey pokey. We were going to drown our sorrows in a bottle of vodka but we got over it once we realized the petition to name Wonkette the official mommy blog of the United States of America is still alive and well. Read more on Petition To Punch Grover Norquist In Dick Removed From White House Petition Site…
  ladies be drone-strikin'

Adorable Underdog Somali Militants Offer Two Camels For Info On ‘Lady Of Bill Clinton’

Somalia — a scrappy, can-do failed state that is the platonic ideal for those who want to shrink government down to the size where they can drown it in the bathtub — is not taking it lying down that the US has offered $7 million for the location of this dude Ahmed Abdi Aw-Mohamed and $5 million for a bunch of other similarly Arab-named folks. Nope, the Somali militants have got a little counter-offer they would like to make, and that is 10 camels in exchange for President Barack Hussein Obama. But that’s not all! Call now, and they will throw in two camels for “the lady of Bill Clinton, the woman named Hillary Clinton,” obviously because they are male chauvinist pigs. Read more on Adorable Underdog Somali Militants Offer Two Camels For Info On ‘Lady Of Bill Clinton’…
  grumpy old men

Mean Old Alan Simpson Not Done Yelling At Republicans

Here is the thing about the newest RINO, former Alan Simpson: back when he was Wyoming’s lone Congressman and then its senator, he was about as conservative as Republicans got — save a Jesse Helms here and an old Strom there. It’s not like he was ever Linc Chaffee, you dig? And now he’s so old and mean to the poor GOP, calling them out for being batshit aggressive and (simultaneously) giant pussies afraid of Grover Norquist. He’s a fun get, is what we’re saying. [NewsBusters] Read more on Mean Old Alan Simpson Not Done Yelling At Republicans…
  and i did not speak up

Grover Norquist: Why Are All These Democrat Nazis Holocausting Poor Billionaire Eduardo Saverin?

Poor Eduardo Saverin! All he wanted to do was renounce his American citizenship, coincidentally shortly before a big honkin’ tax bill came due from his Facebook public offering or something (we don’t know, it was all the news there was on Friday, which brought our cherished Internet to a dumb screeching halt). And then mean old New York Senator Chuck Schumer targeted him with the delightful Ex-PATRIOT Act, which would ding poor Mr. Severin for 30 percent of his income! That is double the rate that is supposed to be paid by the wealthy, as a reward for them creating your jobs. (You do all work in yacht sales, right? Or yacht construction, or yacht redecorating, or yacht skippering, or yacht insurance fraud?) And doubling the tax rate, so that it is equal to what your slob brother-in-law pays on his unemployment check? That is punishing them for their success! Everybody knows that! But did you also know it’s what the NAZIS did? That’s right, anti-tax hero Grover Norquist says this Ex-PATRIOT bill is the worst thing since the Holocaust, and we know six million Jews who would totally agree! Read more on Grover Norquist: Why Are All These Democrat Nazis Holocausting Poor Billionaire Eduardo Saverin?…
  gifzette daily briefing

Jobs Report Slightly Less Awful, Democrats About to Beat GOP For Once

NEW YORK—Big news this morning out of the Bureau of Labor Statistics: the unemployment rate dropped! Like, a lot! People without jobs are now at the lowest number they’ve been at since six months or so after the economy fell off a cliff (which, it should be noted, still remains at an astoundingly high 13.3 million people without jobs). Read more on Jobs Report Slightly Less Awful, Democrats About to Beat GOP For Once…
  Secret Half-Muslin

Wingnut Anti-Tax Hero Grover Norquist Actually Muslim Extremist?

It was a long, long reign of terror. But slowly, and at long last, real conservatives are coming to understand the true identity of anti-tax Republican hero Grover H. Norquist: He’s a dangerous Muslim extremist! Important wingnut Internet Newspaper World Net Daily broke the news about the right-wing heartthrob, and now teabaggers nationwide are expected to quit supporting Norquist’s anti-tax policies and probably join the #Occupy Wall Streeters …. anything to avoid the creeping Shariah that is always creeping up the wingnuts’ legs and making them feel all tingly. Read more on Wingnut Anti-Tax Hero Grover Norquist Actually Muslim Extremist?…
  cpac is weird

Ha Ha Ha, It’s A Funny Joke About Joe Stack At CPAC

Here is President-Viceroy Sir Buttfuckington of Human Events introducing his best friend in history, Grover Norquist, who has been so edgy about his difficult life recently and could very well be planning to blow up his own Austin IRS building in the near future, ha ha ha. Good thing that terrorist yesterday was white and we can make jokes about it, 9/11 having killed irony and such like. [YouTube] Read more on Ha Ha Ha, It’s A Funny Joke About Joe Stack At CPAC…
  endorsements

Grover Norquist Hearts John McCain

Poor old John McCain is having a hard time these days, now that his party has been taken over by nativist ignoramus lunatics who have no respect for an ancient WAR HERO who once teamed up with a liberal Jew to take away Americans’ most precious freedom: the freedom to let Saudi corporations run political ads during the Super Bowl. McCain faces two (2) primary opponents who are always calling him a communist hippie, which has forced him to pretend to be an actual conservative. Read more on Grover Norquist Hearts John McCain…
  ...go on?

Politico Gets The Scoop On DC’s Top Masturbation Material

We’re a day late to this one and have no time for long, meandering first paragraphs about nothing. Here’s the deal: The Politico has written a pornographic feature about how it wants to fuck Peter Orszag, Grover Norquist, Christopher Hitchens, Chuck Todd, Rahm Emanuel, Eric Cantor, and Dr. Congressman Ron Paul, in that order, maybe. Read more on Politico Gets The Scoop On DC’s Top Masturbation Material…