Mormon crickets: If you live, say, anywhere in the American West, you know these horrifying animals as a persistent cannibal scourge that can form a phalanx a mile across and two miles long, marching through the desert in search of food. If you are a senator “from” Arizona who grew up in Virginia and spent most of his life in Washington D.C., they are a punch line to a terrible joke. MORE »

James Carville and Paul Begala: they are lurking in the shadows of our nation’s capital, hidden behind a mysterious “door,” and when you open that door they will jump out wearing Batman suits and rape you before they steal your kidneys. Find out how you can get in on this one-in-a-millennium sexytime action, after the jump! MORE »

EWWWWWWWWWW Oregon state legislators are filthy! All they talk about is blood and poop and semen. They wrote a bill about this stuff because they are gross. (Also, to protect Women.) Basically it says that before you give the nice lady a Cleveland Steamer, make sure she consents. MORE »

Let’s see, it’s … yep, it’s a day of the year, so that means another exciting “Help Hillary Pay Her Campaign Debt, With Your Money, Instead of, Say, the Clintons’ Fortune” email. Today’s spam comes from the “Actual Psychopathic Cajun,” Mary Matalin’s equally frightening spouse, James Carville. Just hit that DONATE button and fork over the cash and you may win an exciting and very sexy time with horny ex-president Bill Clinton, or an even sexier time with Carville and Paul Begala. MORE »

The store Walgreens has PULLED this insane Barack Obama Chia Pet from its shelves, and now 200,000 of them are simply sitting in a warehouse. Apparently customers complained that the beige Obama head with green hair was RACIST against black people and junk. At least that’s what this article is implying? Or maybe the complainers were Oompa Loompas, although it is generally assumed that the military gassed them into extinction sometime in the ’80s. [CBS2]

Too bad there are no Gays in Washington D.C. (HEY-O!), because now they can go get gay married in New England or Iowa, come back to Washington D.C., and have that gay marriage legally recognized! (It will be like the Trail of Tears.) Because the D.C. City Council approved a measure “to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states.” Gay joint tax returns? COUNT IT. On the other hand this may go nowhere since Congress approves all D.C. legislation under our system of black chattel slavery. [Washington Post]

Early this morning, in Wonkette’s Daily Briefing, we had this to say about Blago’s replacement: “There’s a new Illinois governor, right? And he is ’squeaky clean.’ So god only knows what kind of kinky stuff will bring this guy down.” Now we know: New Illinois Governor Pat Quinn is one of the original practitioners of the political sex-creep stunt of “tea-bagging.” MORE »

And you all thought Washington wasn’t sexy: the office of ambitious young House Republican Whip Eric Cantor has confirmed to your Wonkette that instead of watching President Obama’s boring press conference last night like the rest of us dingbats, Cantor and a bipartisan group of legislators attended the Show Of The Century at downtown’s Verizon Center: a Britney Spears concert. If our children weren’t so concerned about future deficits, what would they think of this! MORE »

Republican Congressman Steve LaTourette today: “Ross Perot, when he ran for president in 1992, talked about the giant sucking sound. Well, today there’s another giant sucking sound going on in Washington, D.C. And that’s the tightening of sphincters on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue as people are having to explain who put into the stimulus bill this provision of law.” Really now… come on. You can’t just go saying stuff like that. [Plain Dealer]

Everybody was so excited when what’s his name, Atlantic child wonder Ross Douthat, got Bill Kristol’s spot in the New York Times. We’re still kind of angry about the NYT taking away one of our easiest weekly comedy bits, so no hurrahs from your Wonkette. Also, this Ross Douthat does seem to be that most common of things, a conservative asshole! Let’s take a look at his book, Privilege, and a very unsexy scene on page 184. MORE »

MAN does it suck to be in the Congressional minority leadership, especially when you’re the Republicans and you’ve got enraged Bitters calling your office and screaming the latest pitchfork-mob chants from Limbaugh every waking second, for no reason. The RedState blog has its own way of endlessly prodding: stunts. Hyper-masculine, masturbatory war stunts with PHOTOSHOP logos. The most ongoing of these is the “Red State Strike Force,” a juiced-up, earnest nickname for what is basically… an e-mail list. And here’s the latest, where you mail Mitch McConnell some “balls,” like “golf balls,” because there is nothing secretly gay about a BADASS STUNT where you mail gross, old Mitch McConnell a pretend set of testicles. MORE »