Tag Archives: gross

  mark halperin has a new boyfriend

Rick Perry Is Now God and Mark Halperin Is His Moses

Unlikable jabbering punditurd Mark Halperin got a very important interview with soon-to-be presidential candidate and wingnut imbecile heartthrob Rick Perry. Mark Halperin named this mammoth journalistic achievement, “He Speaks,” which is also Jesus-talk for “God said something important.” Interesting information! Does Mark Halperin have something to “reveal?” Is Rick Perry God? Does He maybe have some things to share with everyone? Is Mark Halperin the new Moses? And in that case can Mark Halperin nominate himself to be in charge of writing all those things down in his column? “Why does God think God should be the next president of being Rick Perry?” is the first question. Answer: “God loves being Rick Perry’s God so much God is now Rick Perry.” Oh good answer, now a follow-up! “When did you first learn you were God?” Answer: “George W. Bush said so in a phone call.” Interesting, very interesting! Read more on Rick Perry Is Now God and Mark Halperin Is His Moses…
  endless cummer '11

Furry Sex Creep Oregon Democrat Is Your New Anthony Weiner

Who wants to hear about boring old “debt ceiling” issues such as old people being pushed into landfills because of no more money? What America needs is a Way To Laugh Again, and it got that bouquet of clown farts Sunday night as Madame Ex-Speaker Nancy Pelosi called for an official inquisition against Oregon’s best-loved weirdo in Congress, Representative David Wu. What did Wu do, you ask? Well, his whole staff quit as soon as he was elected last year, and the bizarre “dressed in a tiger furry costume” self-pix he sent to everyone was just part of the problem. The latest outrage is that Wu allegedly “had an unwanted sexual encounter with the teen-aged daughter of a campaign donor.” Well if he didn’t want it, why did he (allegedly) do it? Oh wait, right, it was the teen who said DO NOT WANT to sexytime with a freak politician, maybe? Read more on Furry Sex Creep Oregon Democrat Is Your New Anthony Weiner…
  so unnecessary

Gross WaPo Headline Announces Rick Perry Has ‘Huge Opening’

Thank you, Washington Post, our crappy lunch tasted better on the way back up. The killjoys in editorial have already changed this headline to read “Rick Perry has ‘huge’ opening as many in the GOP establishment remain uncommitted,” which does not matter because we now have our screen capture for the rest of eternity and every “Rick Perry is gay” rumor post ever written. Read more on Gross WaPo Headline Announces Rick Perry Has ‘Huge Opening’…
  good riddance

CNN Fires Eliot Spitzer For Boring Everyone To Death

Eliot Spitzer is unemployed again, because ratings on his terrible CNN solo talk show “In the Arena” have repeatedly indicated that America is not interested in watching Spitzer sex himself on teevee. What about if Eliot Spitzer pays America to watch? Would she do it then? No, gross, just please go away. We have never seen this awful program, mostly because we are creeped out by Eliot Spitzer and find his opinions inspid. Oh well, he still has that mind-numbing Slate column for torturing people who like that kind of thing. Replacing Spitzer in the 8 p.m. time slot will be Anderson Cooper with his furry fetish program, which apparently does it for America enough that it will also begin running twice a night. Read more on CNN Fires Eliot Spitzer For Boring Everyone To Death…
  dongressman weiner

Anthony Weiner Is 100% Crazy … Crazy For Twitter Gals, We Mean!

Have you heard the hot news about Anthony Weiner and the never-ending dick joke that is now the entire life of this once-promising congressman — or should we say dongressman? — and how he will go to “rehab” to stop loving the young womens on Twitter? Yes, the liberal pinup Democrat who loved to go on the teevee so much to hear himself talk, and also loved to send pictures of his peen to random people who said hi on Twitter, well now he is off to the crazy house, for treatment. Treatment! It’s what liberals do, when they are caught doing things. They want to “work it out,” and also vanish for hopefully long enough for their tawdry scandals to fall off the top of Google News. Read more on Anthony Weiner Is 100% Crazy … Crazy For Twitter Gals, We Mean!…
  team mittens

Romney Wants Teen Girls To Know He Loves Those Mormon Vampire Books

When will middle-aged GOP Christian white working-class people embrace the billionaire Mormon elitist Mitt Romney? When teen-aged girls realize Mitt is “just like them,” and not until! That’s why Mittens went on the Today Show to let any teens who already dropped out of high school know that he loves “silly stuff” like the sexy abstinent vampires from the Twilight series of books and movies. Like all teen girls with goth tendencies — remember, Mitt spent his formative years in France, killing people in car crashes — Mitt loves to curl up under the comforter with his fellow Mormon Stephenie Meyer’s soft-core stories about girls gettin’ it on with guys even though nobody takes off their panties. Read more on Romney Wants Teen Girls To Know He Loves Those Mormon Vampire Books…
  tales from the crypt

Rich GOP Entertainer Urges Seniors To Accept Destruction of Medicare

About 55 years ago, American kids who weren’t allowed to buy “race records” by the likes of Chuck Berry or Fats Domino were helpfully directed by white shopkeepers to safe, white versions of the popular songs by a very white pop singer named Pat Boone. He wasn’t some colored hoodlum with the greasy hair and the sex ideas! No, he was just a clean-cut college boy, and the college was probably Bob Jones University or Liberty University or whatever the middle-1950s version of those places might’ve been … and from history we know that actually the entirety of America was like those places, so anyway … sorry, we’ve lost our point and can’t do these ginormous Wonkette sentences quite so effortlessly as some of our predecessors. Back to the TXT version with ADHD: Wealthy old white nostalgic entertainer Pat Boone says go ahead and kill Medicare, because he is rich and doesn’t need it. Read more on Rich GOP Entertainer Urges Seniors To Accept Destruction of Medicare…
  the sperminator

Arnold Aide Says Governator Always Brought Lusty Ladies To Hotel

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t just bang his housekeepers all the time, while he was married to a woman apparently living in the same house. Arnold also had “CHP Dignitary Protection Services” officers deliver hot young club girls to the Hyatt in Sacramento where he lived while governatin’ and fornicatin’. This, according to political journals including the Daily Mail and National Enquirer, happened constantly. Some people just should not be allowed to have free time. Read more on Arnold Aide Says Governator Always Brought Lusty Ladies To Hotel…
  she's no lewinsky!

Massage Teen Says She Wasn’t ‘Lent Out’ To Bill Clinton, After All

Is Bill Clinton still America’s creepiest old horndog? Maybe not! Some gal who was a 17-year-old masseuse/sex slave for Democratic bigshot Jeffrey Epstein says she was not “lent out” to Bill Clinton. So that’s something! Then again, she’s a trim little surfer gal with blonde hair, and that isn’t really Bill Clinton’s type. Read more on Massage Teen Says She Wasn’t ‘Lent Out’ To Bill Clinton, After All…
  wasilla family values

National Enquirer Says Todd Palin Bangs Hookers

America’s favorite newspaper, the National Enquirer, has another gross scoop about political celebrities boning people they aren’t married to — this time it’s “first dude” Todd Palin, who is accused of repeatedly banging a hooker who was then arrested for being a prostitute. How will Sarah Palin turn this to her advantage? Easy: Everything is already about Sarah Palin, to Sarah Palin, and this is probably more about (or, er, not about, but not about in a more “about way,” personally) Sarah Palin than most things which are, in fact, only about Sarah Palin in her mind — because she is a delusional narcissistic sociopath who, based on nothing but her greed and lust for cable-news notoriety, believes she should run the world. Anyway, Todd! Who knew, right? He looked so gay! Read more on National Enquirer Says Todd Palin Bangs Hookers…
  cocktober surprisier

What Did Gawker Leave Out of Their Christine O’Donnell Pubic-Hair Story?

As we all know, some bro’s account of what Christine O’Donnell’s pubic hair looks like shows she is hypocritical on the most important political issues, and that is why Gawker, according to them, posted that gross account of her naked body on the Internet, for which they paid thousands of dollars. (Haha, you have already clicked on the jump to this story because we put up that picture of her and are talking about her sex life. WE GET IT, THIS IS OUR THING TOO A LOT. Thank you, Gawker.) So yes, the “hypocritical” thing is one way Gawker has been defending this. Another: “We did have to make some judgements,” editor Remy Stern said. “There was some salacious stuff that we didn’t put in.” Really? We have some guesses as to what that stuff is! Read more on What Did Gawker Leave Out of Their Christine O’Donnell Pubic-Hair Story?…
  gay republican virgins in the news

HE DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE … IF ONLY HE HADN’T PERSONALLY BANNED SAME-SEX MARRIAGE EVERYWHERE: Bush 2004 re-election architect and newly out gay person Ken Mehlman, aged 43, is a virgin! So Marc Ambinder says in a comment on his Atlantic blog. Ambinder is holding some kind of Q&A session about Ken Mehlman’s gayness, in the comments of his own blog? We don’t really understand how the Internet works anymore. Here is what Wonkette proprietor Ken Layne had to say about this news, in Wonkette’s secret chat room: “so if rove doesn’t cum in your mouth, yr technically a virgin?” Then he said “SORRY EVERYBODY,” as if that makes it better. [Atlantic, via The Awl] Read more on …
  pimps in the heartland

Tim Pawlenty Hopes His Wife Arouses Iowa Voters

Tim Pawlenty’s wife Mary just discovered yet another reason out of a presumably infinite list why it would suck to be married to someone running two years early for a 2012 presidential nomination: because your husband will begin all of his stump speeches by extolling you as an object of sexual desire. Then you will have to step up before the hooting crowd, smile prettily, and say, “Yes, I am quite comely, am I not? I hope to feature in your erotic reveries, tonight!” All so your husband might someday have a shot at getting his paws on the nuclear launch codes. America is vulgar and gross, is what we are trying to say. Read more on Tim Pawlenty Hopes His Wife Arouses Iowa Voters…
  everything's a marketing opportunity

Chelsea Clinton Gets Married, Pizza Chain Sends Grease Pies

America’s queen of hearts, Chelsea Clinton, got married today! It’s about time, right? Bristol Palin will probably be on her third or fourth “old man” by the time she’s 30 years old. Anyway, we forgot to cover this wedding of an adult person, even though it is true that her mom is secretary of state and her dad used to have some job in politics or on Wall Street, can’t remember what. Maybe a marketing firm will send us some pictures we can post that have some tangential relationship to the subject of “Chelsea Clinton’s wedding.” Read more on Chelsea Clinton Gets Married, Pizza Chain Sends Grease Pies…
  closing time

Sweaty, Panting Biden Says ‘Heavy Lifting’ Is Done

Joe Biden has apparently been personally working very hard to get stuff passed, because at a fundraiser today, he said “the heavy lifting is over.” The boxes have been moved to America’s new apartment! The Hispanic fellows have been given a tip! And pizza has been ordered! Congratulations, the U.S. government is done for now, and you no longer need to pay attention to politics until after the midterm elections, because Joe Biden says so. Read more on Sweaty, Panting Biden Says ‘Heavy Lifting’ Is Done…
  people who won't go away

Perfectly Gross Movie About John Edwards Now In the Works

If you’ve managed to stay interested in the whole long, sordid tale of John Edwards, with the cancer and the lies and the infidelity and the new-agers and the bastard children and the aides with creepy hero-worship complexes and the anilingus sex tapes, then you’re probably thinking, “Boy howdy, someone should make this into a movie! I’d sure watch that!” Well, it’s already been made into a movie, dummy, by John Edwards, when he was performing the aforementioned sex act on the aforementioned new ager, and then Andrew Young just showed it to journalists, to make them uncomfortable. But now it’s being cleaned up and made into a movie that you could take your grandmother to (if you hate her) by West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin, and the script is based on the book written Edwards victim/fall guy/slave Andrew Young. (The only person handsome/hateable enough to play Edwards is Tom Cruise, by the way.) Read more on Perfectly Gross Movie About John Edwards Now In the Works…
  needs more demon sheep

Disgusting Campaign Ad Not Crazy Enough But Still Gross

Here is your weird campaign ad of the day, so stop sending it to us. Yes, the Uncle Sam guy is crazy, and this classifies as an official weird and gross 2010 campaign ad, but these people really need to learn how to make a better fringe Republican teevee ad. WHERE ARE THE GUNS? WHERE ARE THE SILLY THREATS? WHERE IS THE UTTER INCOHERENCE? This Bender guy is trying too hard, so this is not as good as previous ads. C-. But it will be fun when the wingnut playing Uncle Sam here dies from eating all that silver food dye. Read more on Disgusting Campaign Ad Not Crazy Enough But Still Gross…
  '04 primary votes your editor now regrets casting

Anonymous Sources: John Edwards Sad, Lonely, Gross

Who says investigative journalism is dead? Tina Brown’s Internet Tendency has been paying (?) Diane Dimond to nose around the world’s most repugnant sleaze pits and report back on her findings! Having already blown the lid off of John Mark Karr’s “little girl sex cult,” she’s now moved on to something even more repugnant: John Edwards and his sad, lonely life, which is mostly focused on his legal problems and only occasionally involves failed attempts to sex up ladies. Read more on Anonymous Sources: John Edwards Sad, Lonely, Gross…
  bored rich people screwing each other

Al Gore & Laurie David: Did They Have 2-Year Sexytime Affair?!

Whoa, forget the oil spill, here is some tabloid sexytime gossip about Al Gore: The Star reports tonight that Gore has been having a sex affair for two years with Laurie David, the environmental activist and ex-wife of teevee grouch Larry David. Is this true? Well it was true about another southern politician who wanted to be president and some lady sort of connected peripherally to the entertainment business, as reported by a different tabloid, two years ago! Read more on Al Gore & Laurie David: Did They Have 2-Year Sexytime Affair?!…
  it's morning in america

World’s Sexiest Men Gather For Rush Limbaugh’s Fourth Wedding

Beloved American comedian Rush Limbaugh met a lady while he was divorcing his third wife a few years back, and now that new lady is Limbaugh’s fourth wife. Exciting! But how do you make such a special once-every-couple-of-years event even more exciting? If you’re Rush Limbaugh, you pay One Million Dollars to a very famous singer and piano player who is also very famously homosexual and British and a gay-marriage supporter and AIDS activist — and that’s how, we guess, Sir Elton John wound up performing at Limbaugh’s latest wedding. But the sexiest men at the Miami occasion were the guests. Read more on World’s Sexiest Men Gather For Rush Limbaugh’s Fourth Wedding… Read more on World’s Sexiest Men Gather For Rush Limbaugh’s Fourth Wedding…