Tag Archives: gross

  wax on! wax off!

Florida Congresscritter Will Now Be Famous For Eating Ear Crud On C-Span

If, like Yr Wonkette, you aren’t from Florida, chances are pretty good that the name and title “Congressman Joe Garcia (D-Florida)” do not instantly make anything spring to mind. We had to go to the Source of All Internet Truth ourselves, and we actually did have a brief moment of recognition near the middle of the piece when we saw that his chief of staff/ campaign manager had pleaded guilty in 2013 to an attempted absentee vote-registration scam in the 2012 primary, which didn’t exactly rise to National Outrage, but did get cited by some wingnuts as an excellent reason for Voter ID laws (which rather misses the “absentee” part). But now, Rep. Garcia has an actual achievement to his name: He is The Guy Who Picked His Ear On C-SPAN And Ate What He Found. God Bless You, Mr. Garcia. Read more on Florida Congresscritter Will Now Be Famous For Eating Ear Crud On C-Span…
  stay harassy new york

Gross New York (Alleged) (Just Kidding) Sexual Harrasser Dennis Gabryszak Made a Gross Video, Ick

Just to prove that a gross story about a nasty human being can ALWAYS get grosser and nastier, we have this update to the story of former New York State Assemblyman Dennis Gabryszak, who resigned last weekend after multiple women accused him of sexual harassment. And although he resigned, he also claimed that he hadn’t been harassy, no not one bit, just that he and some ladies had enjoyed some “mutual banter and exchanges” that were not workplace-appropriate, but totally not the harassment, no sir. And so John Bartolome, an attorney for six of the seven of the women accusing Gabryszak of harassment released a video of Gabryszak in a bathroom stall, either masturbating or maybe pretending he’s getting the oral sex, or lord only knows what (we do not want to look at it too many times). It was just a little a gift that Gabryszak sent to several of the women. Do we have the video for you? Hahaha, does a bear shit in the woods and send a video of it to the Pope? Read more on Gross New York (Alleged) (Just Kidding) Sexual Harrasser Dennis Gabryszak Made a Gross Video, Ick…
  america needs funnier scandals

Lamar Alexander’s Aide And The Lighter Side of Child Porn Allegations

Oh, damn, Wonkers, you know what the adorable kittens mean, don’t you? The adorable kittens mean we have a story about something terrible and we’re going to try to buffer it with something sweet and cute. Does that work, or is it just going to make you guys start feeling sad whenever you see an adorable kittycat? So let’s just get it over with: Tennessee Sen. Lamar Alexander’s chief of staff, Ryan Loskarn, is the subject of a child pornography investigation. Loskarn was taken away from his home in handcuffs this morning while agents from the Postal Service searched his home. Yick. We will try very hard to make an amusing joke about the Postal Service being the ones investigating this nastiness… um… something something we never get our kiddie porn delivered on time? No? Read more on Lamar Alexander’s Aide And The Lighter Side of Child Porn Allegations…
  lucky duckies

Elizabeth Hasselbeck So Mad About All These Gross Lazy Poor People With Their Fancy ‘Television’ And ‘Cell Phones’ And ‘Food’

Elizabeth Hasselbeck is doing a pretty great job as Fox & Friends’ new Gretchen. Like, first, she totally has blond hair. Second, she is also possessed of a vag. Third, she can completely say idiotic things about whatever Fox wants her to say idiotic things about, and today that idiotic thing is the Poors. Read more on Elizabeth Hasselbeck So Mad About All These Gross Lazy Poor People With Their Fancy ‘Television’ And ‘Cell Phones’ And ‘Food’…
  rape by the sabine women

Poor Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Just Could Not Stop All Those Women From Sexing Him

No, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. does not want to have sex with you, lady. He told you, he is not interested in putting his thingie in your hoo-ha, and then withdrawing it and then pushing it forward again, several times, until sperm comes out of it. He is not here to rub his penis on your face and body, maybe get a handful of muff. He does not want to hump your leg like a bad dog, bad bad dog. Oh, you said please? Well, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is a well-brought-up fellow. He guesses he will do sex on you, since you asked. Read more on Poor Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Just Could Not Stop All Those Women From Sexing Him…
  stay harassy san diego

San Diego Mayor Total Sex Creep, Yet Not a Republican, What Up With That?

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner is being pressured to resign after a number of former supporters have come forward with accusations that the first-term Democrat had sexually harassed them. While the mayor has released a video in which he apologizes for treating women on his staff disrespectfully, even admitting “I need help,” Filner also somehow thinks that the accusations from multiple sources are all just a big misunderstanding and he will just take some classes to make everything better, and a full investigation will clear his name because he is just a really friendly guy who likes to hug everyone and we think we need a bucket, urrrrggghhh. Of course, Wonkette isn’t covering this story, because Filner is a Democrat. Read more on San Diego Mayor Total Sex Creep, Yet Not a Republican, What Up With That?…
  department of redundancy department

Cool Bro Ranks All The Ugliest Feminists, As If That Is Not Redundant (NSFW)

Roosh is a cool dude. He is a pickup artist Mens’ Rights Activist who will take a break from boning all the world’s hottest women to teach you how to rape Ukrainian girls or something. But Roosh is sad we guess, maybe his pageviews are not everything he would like them to be, but he has come up with a surefire way to get all the sweet honey clicks, and that is by ranking all the ugliest feminazis, obvs. So Sandra Fluke is obviously a grotesque monster (just look at her!) plus she makes you pay for her birth control. (We do not understand why a PUA/MRA/DDS/Esq. is against chicks being on birth control; maybe they prefer to demand abortions.) And Lindy West is not “the writer Wonkette will one day liberate from Jezebel” (Caity Weaver of Gawker, you are on our kidnap list too), she is a fat girl, so, the end. But who is this Roosh, and more importantly, do we want to bone him? Read more on Cool Bro Ranks All The Ugliest Feminists, As If That Is Not Redundant (NSFW)…
  let them eat quiche

This $100,000 Chicken Coop Will Win You A ‘First Place’ Against ‘The Wall’ When ‘The Revolution’ ‘Comes’

It’s that time of year again! Time for the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Christmas Book of Charming Gifts for the guy at Papa Johns! Can you stand the excitement? Neither can we! But while there are plenty of stupid ways to blow the greasy wads of cash that have turned you from human being to Donald Trump, only one really stands out for its gobsmacking lack of humanity and empathy and realization that there are units we call “people” who roam the earth, the kind that says FUCK THEM, YOU MADE IT! Let us find out what it is, together! (Hint: It is a $100,000 chicken coop, like it says in the headline, and also that picture.) Read more on This $100,000 Chicken Coop Will Win You A ‘First Place’ Against ‘The Wall’ When ‘The Revolution’ ‘Comes’…
  that's no lady that's my wife

What ‘Porn Star’ Sex Acts Did Extremely Normal Allen West Demand Of His Lady Wife?

Never let it be said that Your Wonkette is anything but sex-positive and pro-freaky-deakiness. But when it’s Allen West and he’s writing to his wife from Iraq right around the time he is having people beaten and then shooting guns next to their heads, and he is so weird and Allen West-like, well … here, let us read together Allen West’s sexxxy control fantasies, as it has been far too long since we purged. Read more on What ‘Porn Star’ Sex Acts Did Extremely Normal Allen West Demand Of His Lady Wife?…
  Finally A One-Percenter Who Shares Wonkette's Values

Host for Romney’s ‘Half Of America Can Get Bent’ Speech Is Big Fan Of Sexxytime Pool Parties

So it turns out that Mother Jones reporter David Corn has now identified the location and date of that fundraiser where Willard Mittensbjørn Rømney proclaimed that he has no use for 47% of the American people because they are irresponsible layabouts who are so addicted to the government teat that they will of course support Obama. Turns out that the poor-bashing bash was hosted by happy zillionaire Marc Leder, a private equity manager (just like Mittens!), who held the fundraiser in Boca Raton on May 17, 2012. Oh, and Mr. Leder also likes to have nekkid pool parties. Also, too, he was apparently pretty lousy at creating jobs. But did we mention the nekkid pool parties? Read more on Host for Romney’s ‘Half Of America Can Get Bent’ Speech Is Big Fan Of Sexxytime Pool Parties…
  mitt's whitey tape

Video: Mitt Romney Really, Really (Really) Does Not Care For You People

It starts out fairly anodyne — Ol’ Miffed Romney talking to his base. (Not “the” base of uncouth teatards, his base of Lehmann Bros. execs or the like.) But very soon, he becomes … what is the word? Unhinged? Yes, unhinged. Because people think they are “entitled” to not starve in the streets of America. Really, listen to the snarl. It’s … it’s fucking gross, actually. Has a candidate for American president ever spoken about his subjects the voters with such repulsion? (He goes on to say he will NEVER be able to make the 47 percent of us who are too poor to pay income taxes into anything other than shit-slime, but it’s that first sneer that really digs into your brain like “Call Me Maybe” or something. Whether or not he ever bothered to pay his own, of course, is still anyone’s guess.) Seeeeriously offputting video, after the jump! Read more on Video: Mitt Romney Really, Really (Really) Does Not Care For You People…
  get robin givhan on this stat!

John Boehner Caught In Bald-Faced Lie About Very Important Issue: Socks

It’s a good thing there aren’t lots and lots of important things going on, in this, our world, or this very compelling piece of news might have escaped the cycle! John Boehner made sport of poor Luke Russert, world’s greatest reporter besides Matthew Boyle, for not wearing socks! And then Luke Russert (who has an encyclopedic recall of John Boehner’s sartorial choices and local news appearances — kid is nothing if not in total mastery of what really matters), was all “You didn’t wear socks once on Washington state television!” Gotcha Boehner! OR DID HE? (Yes. He did.) Read more on John Boehner Caught In Bald-Faced Lie About Very Important Issue: Socks…
  not afraid to be servicey

Sexual Politics: How Not To Be A Male Stripper

There is a movie out, people say it is very good, it has Channing Tatum in it and whatnot, maybe we will see it, that’s cool. That is not really “political,” we guess, but there is nothing on the entire Internet today, like, “jobs report” REALLY? Romney being pro-vacation? Blah blah blah boring thing? Well, sexual politics it is! And male strippers, because why not. Read more on Sexual Politics: How Not To Be A Male Stripper…
  a nation mourns

John Edwards And Rielle Hunter Broke Up Last Week, Or Possibly In 2008

You guys, extra-sad news! John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who as far as we knew six days ago were America’s number one committed couple, are now totally broken up. Well, they’re still a family, because when you knock up your crazy new age-y campaign videographer and/or are knocked up by a married sleazeball presidential candidate, and then have a baby, you are basically linked for life, but “as of the end of last week, John Edwards and I are no longer a couple,” Rielle told important journalistic teevee show Good Morning America. So if you step outside and find that it’s raining even though the forecast called for clear skies, that’s probably angels crying! (Or maybe just water dripping from an air conditioning unit in a fifth-floor window.) But are John Edwards and Rielle Hunter still in love, despite breaking up? It’s impossible for us to say for certain, but yes, almost certainly yes. Read more on John Edwards And Rielle Hunter Broke Up Last Week, Or Possibly In 2008…
  eyebleach

Ew Gross What No (John Edwards)

Thanks ABC, for this delightful WIN on the only possible thing that might matter in the GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL John Edwards trial for venality, indecency, and grossness. Since the alternate [jurors] were identified last Thursday, it has been impossible to ignore the dynamic between Edwards and one of the female alternates, an attractive young woman with jet-black hair, who seems to have been flirting with Edwards for days. Read more on Ew Gross What No (John Edwards)…
  gross trial of the century

Edwards Wanted To Be Supreme Court Justice, Was Insulted By Rich Dowager

You know what the difference is between America’s elite, the 1 percenters and the fast-rising politicians, and slobs like you? Planning. Like, you, for instance, have no plans for the day, and are trying to relieve the ennui by reading a blog about dick jokes and politics, and maybe later you’ll try masturbating or something, and then after that you’ll probably cry spontaneously, in public, which will be embarrassing, because you didn’t plan some solitary cry-time. But John Edwards! John Edwards had it all planned out! First he was going to be president, then vice president, then president again — we all knew that! But fun under-oath testimony this week revealed that then he planned to be vice president again, and when that didn’t work out, decided he’d be Attorney General for a bit and then move on over to the Supreme Court, where he’d have a cool job for life. And it all would have worked if his crazy slut of a mistress had only planned to not have his child! (Oh, he also called his mistress a “crazy slut,” by the way). Read more on Edwards Wanted To Be Supreme Court Justice, Was Insulted By Rich Dowager…
  thursday fun post about hitler

Today In Hitler: Hitler Loved Cocaine And Bull Semen And Farting Everywhere

Here is your weekly Thursday Fun Post About Hitler! What has Hitler done now? Well, according to Science, Hitler “craved cocaine and cars,” injected himself with young bull semen so he could have mad coked-out bull sex with Eva Braun, and farted up a storm, maybe in Eva Braun’s face, because he was hilarious and also, too, because he was a vegetarian. Man, Hitler was nuts. When will Obama apologize for being Hitler and farting and doing coke in fast cars with bull semen? Read more on Today In Hitler: Hitler Loved Cocaine And Bull Semen And Farting Everywhere…
  hey dad I'm in jail

You Want a Job, Don’t You? Super-Hot Orange County Republican Basically Sexed Up Whole Office

Current Republican Santa Ana City Councilman and recently resigned in disgrace Orange County executive manager for public works Carlos Bustamante is in so much trouble, you guys! After he made pretty much the whole office do sex on him in exchange for promotions, he had to resign his sweet $178,000 gig with the county, and now all the mad supervisors have sent his case to the District Attorney, for JAIL. Read more on You Want a Job, Don’t You? Super-Hot Orange County Republican Basically Sexed Up Whole Office…
  froggy went a-courtin'

Nixon Library Exhibits Disgraced Dead President’s Mushy Love Tripe To His Bride

Hey fellas! Are you trying to get that special lady to let you and only you into her moistened drawers, but the only instruction you’ve got so far is from “Mystery” telling you to “neg” her (insult her to her face) or Joe Francis telling you to offer a trucker cap to show you her tits (insult her to her face)? We are not saying insulting a girl to her face is not a time-honored and proven way to get you some lady-lovin’, but perhaps you could try something a little more suavay! Take this love note Richard M. Nixon wrote to Pat, while they were a-courtin’! Read more on Nixon Library Exhibits Disgraced Dead President’s Mushy Love Tripe To His Bride…
  police state sleazebags

Sketchy ‘Activist’ Trying To Sex You Is Just an Undercover Cop, Probably

Do you like to protest against the 1% and also rage against the machine and also find sex partners at the various activist actions? WATCH OUT, and not just for the usual reasons of venereal disease and having some dude never leave your couch. Undercover police are increasingly being given orders to have sexytime with young, sexy activists. Totally legal, at least in England, right now! (So Obama probably already made it “legal” in America, with a “signing statement.”) Read more on Sketchy ‘Activist’ Trying To Sex You Is Just an Undercover Cop, Probably…
  sausage fest

Rick Perry’s Rumored Adventures In Gay Sex, Now in Book Form!

Biblehumper bozo barbie Rick Perry has been annoying everyone lately with his truly awful attempts to prove to the Jesus People contingent that he deserves to rule the country for his Tex-ass tuff talk on gays in the military, so it’s fitting and timely that openly gay former Texas legislator Glen Maxey (a Democrat, we said “openly”) has just released a hilarious new book-form collection of the many sordid rumors indicating that Rick Perry may just be the most monstrously self-loathing closeted old queen in America. Sneak peek “revelation” from the book: some guy who claims he had anonymous sex with Perry says the hair monster has a small penis! Read more on Rick Perry’s Rumored Adventures In Gay Sex, Now in Book Form!…
  suck his koch

Pervert Herman Cain Has Sexy Job Creation Plan For Ladies (VIDEO)

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player So much for all those helpfully vague harassment accusations leveled against serial sex creep sociopath Herman Cain! Here is the disturbingly graphic money quote from Sharon Bialek, a former National Restaurant Association employee who alleges she went to Cain in 1997 for help getting a new job: “He suddenly reached over and he put his hand on my leg, under my skirt, and reached for my genitals. He also grabbed my head and brought it towards his crotch.” And then he asked if she wanted that job or not. So technically Herman Cain might be right when he keeps saying those “harassment” charges are false, in the sense that they are actually more like assault. Read more on Pervert Herman Cain Has Sexy Job Creation Plan For Ladies (VIDEO)…