Tag Archives: grifters

  Pence is highly offended by all your rude comments about Indiana

Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence

The Indianapolis Star‘s Tuesday edition is a bit stunning, in that the entire front page is devoted to an editorial demanding that Indiana lawmakers “FIX THIS NOW.” They are of course referring to the Fuck The Gays law, signed by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which has single-handedly sent the state to number one on pretty much everyone’s list of “states where I do not wish to find myself stranded.” Read more on Everyone Is Laughing At That Poor Dumb Idiot, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence…
  Frivolous lawsuits

Butthurt Michigan Woman Sues Planet Fitness For Being Nice To Transgenders

Behind door number three is this bitch named Yvette, who isn't allowed at this gym anymore.
Some weeks back, we had a Nice Time, about a Michigan lady, Yvette Cormier, who was bitching and moaning about the fact that her local Planet Fitness allows transgender people to use bathrooms and locker rooms that correspond to their gender identities. She huffed and puffed about a “man” being in the locker room (it was a trans woman), and Planet Fitness decided, to hell with it, and terminated her membership — Cormier’s, not the trans woman — citing the fact that it’s very boldly stated, in their policies and on their website, that they are a No Judgement [sic] Zone. Read more on Butthurt Michigan Woman Sues Planet Fitness For Being Nice To Transgenders…
  virginia is for gay catholic lovers

Grifty Gov. Bob McDonnell Hanging Out In Gay Priest’s Rectory

How much do we love the Bob McDonnell grift trial, currently underway in Richmond, Virginia, for giving us a break from August’s unrelentingly bad news? So very, very much. Thank you, Bob and Maureen McDonnell! We would even consider voting for you in the future, if you had any prayer of running for elected office ever again. Read more on Grifty Gov. Bob McDonnell Hanging Out In Gay Priest’s Rectory…
  money that's what i want

Guess How Much More Sarah Palin’s SarahPAC Spent On Consulting Than Candidates, Hint It Is ‘Twenty Times More’

Hey kids! Is your grifting game going a little sideways lately? Do you need to learn from the big girls? Then let us head over to OpenSecrets.org and check on what Sarah Palin’s SarahPAC is up to lately, as reported to the tyrants of the FEC. In our latest edition of Sarah Palin Picked Your Pockets (And You Liked It), we discover that so far in the 2014 election cycle, up through Dec. 31, 2013, Sarah Palin’s SarahPAC has given a total of $5,000 to candidates … or, er, one candidate, comer Jason Smith of MO. What else (Nordstrom) is SarahPAC (Nordstrom) spending money on (Nordstrom) today? Let us read the chart helpfully prepared by OpenSecrets’ excel sheet, and regurgitate it for you here! Read more on Guess How Much More Sarah Palin’s SarahPAC Spent On Consulting Than Candidates, Hint It Is ‘Twenty Times More’…
  huey long laughs

Virginia Ex-Gov Bob McDonnell Indicted For Being The ‘Alleged,’ Whatever, Griftiest In All The Land

We hope former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell enjoyed the ten days off since his term ended since he now will spend the immediate future trying to avoid a stretch in the pokey. That’s because old Grifter Bob and his wife Maureen were indicted by a federal grand jury on 14 counts of corruption. Hey, at least he got something for his corruption besides the nihilistic sensation of being a sneering asshole sticking it to a political enemy. Chris Christie must be wiping copious amounts of sweat from his massive Neanderthal brow now that we’ll all be focused on another corrupt Republican governor for a day or two. The charges revolve around the McDonnells’ relationship with wealthy Richmond businessman Jonnie Williams Sr. Williams, referred to in the indictment as JW, gifted Grifter Bob and his wife the Duchess of Henrico County with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of gifts, including rides on his private jet, golf weekends at an exclusive Virginia club, and paying for the caterer at the McDonnells’ daughter’s wedding. There were also the shopping sprees at fancy New York stores for Maureen McDonnell, for whom the Macy’s at Chesterfield Towne Center was apparently not good enough. When one of Grifter Bob’s senior staffers informed the First Lady of Grifterdom that it would be inappropriate for Williams to purchase an Oscar de la Renta gown for her to wear to her husband’s inaugural, Maureen had a fit, emailing the staffer: I need to talk to you about Inaugural clothing budget. I need answers and Bob is screaming about the thousands I’m charging up in credit card debt. We are broke, have an unconscionable amount in credit card debt already, and this Inaugural is killing us!! I need answers and I need help, and I need to get this done. Somewhere Imelda Marcos is shaking her head and hissing “amateur” to herself. Probably while screeching hell-demons jam hot pokers into every orifice of her body, whether or not she is actually dead. Read more on Virginia Ex-Gov Bob McDonnell Indicted For Being The ‘Alleged,’ Whatever, Griftiest In All The Land…
  also wants some pageviews also as well too

Wingnut Wants Homeless Veterans To Stop Being Low-Lifes Milking Sympathy, Be Upstanding Like Him

Happy Veterans Day / Armistice Day / Kurt Vonnegut’s birthday! Perhaps you have the day off of your “work,” and are using your free time to trawl your Wonkette. (Don’t forget to trawl HappyNiceTimePeople while you’re at it, now with fewer computer STD’s!) Perhaps you never have “work” at all, because of how you are a loser vet who believed the LIEBERAL LIE that you could come home with PTSD and just stone cold put your hand out and be a grifter and not work hard like all the good vets do! Good vets like one Kurt Schlichter, who in the eternal quest for some juicy pageviews has sexplained that … well let us let Kurt Schlichter do his own yakking. Let’s be clear – being a veteran is not a “Get out of work free” card that excuses you from the basic responsibility of supporting yourself and your family. If I pass a bum with a sign reading “Homeless Vet,” I don’t feel an overpowering surge of solidarity. I feel disgusted that another low-life is trying to milk sympathy off a proud status that millions of us earned with our blood and sweat and years of our lives. Oh, he seems nice. And also #caring. (And also maybe not so good at following his own thoughts logically from beginning to end, but what do you want the man to do? He’s got a word count, and mouths to feed!) Read more on Wingnut Wants Homeless Veterans To Stop Being Low-Lifes Milking Sympathy, Be Upstanding Like Him…
  should have been a wall street bankster

Jesse Jackson Jr. Goes To Prison, Wonders If The Pacific Is As Blue As It Is In His Dreams

It will not be a very happy Rosh Hashanah in the home of Jesse Jackson as his son, Jesse Jackson Jr., was sentenced today to two and a half years in a federal prison for the crime of being a grifter of nearly Sarah Palin-level griftiness. Read more on Jesse Jackson Jr. Goes To Prison, Wonders If The Pacific Is As Blue As It Is In His Dreams…
  anals of journamalism

Dave Weigel Tongue-Bathes Roger Ailes, Asks If He Was Gentle Enough

The few times we have ever paid attention to Dave Weigel, he struck us as a reasonably intelligent guy even if we don’t agree with his politics. So maybe someone out there can tell us: did he hit his head on something recently? Take up smoking opium? Develop a brain cloud? Because there must be some explanation for why he’s giving props to this speech by Roger Ailes at some right-wing circle jerk of an awards dinner on Wednesday night. Ailes delivered the speech while being awarded $250,000 from the Bradley Foundation, some conservative organization dedicated to the preservation of free enterprise and limited government and unconditional love for Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker. Who even listens anymore to the meaningless buzzwords these wastes of life-sustaining resources spout off? Read more on Dave Weigel Tongue-Bathes Roger Ailes, Asks If He Was Gentle Enough…
  hey dad I'm in jail

Sunday Nice Time: TV Minister/Doctor Who Sold ‘Cancer Cure’ Of Suntan Lotion And Beef Flavoring Going To So Much Prison, Hooray!

Christine Daniel is a minister and doctor (although, not, to our knowledge, a realtor, dentist, or vampire hunter) who just wanted to help the world beat cancer! She did this by going on Trinity Broadcast Network and selling a mixture of suntan oil and beef flavoring. To people with cancer. As a cure. For cancer. Man, she may have outgrifted the Crouches! (For the lord, of course.) Now she is going to jail for 14 years, and having to give back $1.2 million (SADFACE!), just for murdering people! STOP INFRINGING CHRISTINE DANIEL’S RELIGIOUS FREEDOM TO KILL PEOPLE, NOBAMA!!!! Read more on Sunday Nice Time: TV Minister/Doctor Who Sold ‘Cancer Cure’ Of Suntan Lotion And Beef Flavoring Going To So Much Prison, Hooray!…
  hot scoops!

Oh No, Conservatives In Epic Twit-Fight Against Common Frauder Sarah Palin, And It Is All The Fault Of Your Wonket

We are sorry, conservatives, that you are all mad at Sarah Palin for spending 95 percent of her SarahPAC muneez on grifty consultants and “shipping and handling” and “overhead.” We are sorry, because we are the ones who pointed this out, which means we will be subpoenaed to testify in the doubtless totally amicable divorce. (Thanks for the hat tip, Daily Beast! Oh, right, you didn’t. Oh well, must have forgot.) Anyway, how mad are the conservatives at Sarah Palin? Oh, just very! Read more on Oh No, Conservatives In Epic Twit-Fight Against Common Frauder Sarah Palin, And It Is All The Fault Of Your Wonket…
  rich are getting richer and poor are getting drunk

Mitt Romney Grifted Your Yearly Salary In The Time It Takes To Read This Headline

One thing we have learned in the past few years of grifter politics is that rich people are way way better at grifting than poor slobs like us. You are probably just too fucking lazy to figure out how to get someone to buy you $150,000 worth of clothes for a job you did not get. You probably have no idea how to get $96,000 behind on your rent and still not get evicted either. Your lazy stupidity is probably why you haven’t been able to overcharge the hell out of people just for hanging around you: Read more on Mitt Romney Grifted Your Yearly Salary In The Time It Takes To Read This Headline…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Weep, Ye Mighty, For Fallen Soldier ‘Joe’ The ‘Plumber’

There is not a reason in the world to click on the video above of fallen Wonkette hero “Joe” the “Plumber” flapping his gums at his election loss party, except to note his killer rags. Dude, you were running for Congress. You think the flannel might be a touch … less formal than the occasion demands? Nah, fuck it man. You are “authentic” and “real” just like your fake name and fake occupation! And now you are dead. Let us gather our rosebuds and meet back on the other side of the jump to remember the manifold gifts “Joe” the “Plumber” has given to your Wonkette, lo these many years. Read more on Weep, Ye Mighty, For Fallen Soldier ‘Joe’ The ‘Plumber’…
  snowbilly recession

Sarah Palin Snubbed For Top Speaking Spot at Dairy Goods Meetup

National Free Lunch expert Sarah Palin has apparently accepted an exciting spot as some food industry lecturer at this year’s “International Dairy Deli Bakery Association Seminar and Expo,” sure. Complimentary donuts. But according to the hot speaker lineup spotted by Wonkette baked-goods operative “Banana_bread,” Sarah Palin lost out for the top-billed spot to alleged racist diabetes shill Paula Deen. Will this demotion be tolerated? Read more on Sarah Palin Snubbed For Top Speaking Spot at Dairy Goods Meetup…
  they just don't understand art

YouTube Does Not Care for Herman Cain’s Bunny Snuff Film

Herman Cain is back again with a new video in which an adorable bunny symbolizing adorable small business is catapulted into the air and blasted to pieces by some NRA sociopath with a rifle, as part of Herman Cain’s ongoing series of snuff films starring small, defenseless animals (remember when the goldfish was tortured, how fun was that?) meant to encourage a thoughtful dialogue about the nation’s fiscal problems. But what’s this, YouTube seems to have taken it down? Read more on YouTube Does Not Care for Herman Cain’s Bunny Snuff Film…
  panderdized testing

Herman Cain Tells CPAC To ‘Outsmart Stupid People Running America’

Didn’t you sort of feel like Herman Cain said he was just going out for a pack of smokes, and then we never heard from him again and somehow got stuck with his car note and a bunch of boring creepo ‘Washington insiders?’ Well, CAIN’S BACK, BABY. Just goes to show you can’t keep a good grifter down, no matter how many of that grifter’s alleged side-pieces come out of the woodwork to force the timely demise of his book tour/presidential campaign. Cain took time out of his busy schedule to sidle up to CPAC and whisper some sweet nothings into its ear about how smart (and sexy) everyone there definitely is. Smarter than liberals, that’s for sure! Read more on Herman Cain Tells CPAC To ‘Outsmart Stupid People Running America’…
  just a big old (welfare) queen

Rick Perry Has Idea About Which Gov’t Officials Need a Pay Cut: Not Him

Rick Perry’s comprehensive new policy platform for “fixin’ shit” is just to slash Congress’ $174,000 annual paychecks in half and cut back on the time that Congress spends in Washington, as punishment for making everyone hate them. This is Rick Perry’s huge “solution” to everything according to his new campaign ad, an idea that has all the sparkling wisdom of a plan to magically improve educational achievement by cutting back the number of school days for ornery children who fail to turn in their homework on time. But sure, maybe Congress should be paid less, for being useless screw-ups already awash in filthy personal riches? Of course, this surely must mean that Rick Perry cut his own salary in half this year, after publicly giving up and handing off his official duties to God when his state was burning to the ground? Read more on Rick Perry Has Idea About Which Gov’t Officials Need a Pay Cut: Not Him…
  why didn't she think of this before

Nancy Pelosi Shamelessly Tries To Cash In On Occupy Wall Street

The Democratic Party is still not entirely sure what to do with this “Occupy Wall Street” stuff beyond allowing for a few cautious statements from one or another “liberal” member of Congress let out of the pen for a few minutes to say something to the effect of “it’s possible people might be somewhat fed up with a few things going on these days, like being poor despite working three jobs, maybe?” while studiously avoiding mention of the influence of Wall Street oligarchs in government or the actual uprising of thousands of angry Americans or the vicious police brutality against them. (Bernie Sanders and Dennis Kucinich are the only real exceptions.) But surely, OWS must be also be “good for something,” politically speaking, besides embarrassing the Democrats into looking like a bunch of establishment ninnies as beholden to the incessant demands of kleptocrats as the Republicans? Nancy Pelosi has an idea about that! It’s “fundraising,” to make sure the DCCC doesn’t miss out on any of the outrage dollars that might flow forth after a recent memo surfaced showing nervous conservatives plotting to discredit OWS leaders. She can’t quite bring herself to actually soil her email plea with the words “Occupy Wall Street,” though, why is that? Read more on Nancy Pelosi Shamelessly Tries To Cash In On Occupy Wall Street…
  snowbilly's failed revenge

Imbecile Sarah Palin Thinks Roger Ailes Doesn’t Own Her (He Does)

Thanksgiving hasn’t even happened yet and look, here already is a giant plate of half-putrefied “leftovers” to add to the compost bin: mutant overgrown toad wart Roger Ailes nearly (OH GOD, WHY NEARLY) evicted yammering reject Sarah Palin from his evil teevee space beams in an enraged fit right after she “announced” she was quitting the presidential race she never joined, because she failed at her sole remaining paid task of delivering this breaking non-information on Fox News. Sarah Palin told some other outlet first for the same reason she does anything: out of raw, brainless spite. Read more on Imbecile Sarah Palin Thinks Roger Ailes Doesn’t Own Her (He Does)…
  tone deaf

On ‘Day of Action,’ White House Wants You To Buy Their Beer Koozies

Is there “some stuff” going on in the country today, maybe? Sure, a few things, like shopping day with Joe Biden! Here for example from some freshly-arrived Barack Obama re-election campaign spam promoting their online store is this convenient beer koozie with Joe’s goofy grinning mug on it. And what’s the “best part” of showing your support by using the Internet to purchase cheap crap, according to the email? “You won’t have to fight the crowds, or even leave home.” See, nice ‘n safe! Read more on On ‘Day of Action,’ White House Wants You To Buy Their Beer Koozies…
  we are not surprised

Herman Cain Is Also Sexist Against Vegetables

As America prepares to give Newt Gingrich his turn at waterboarding its collective unconscious with streams of incessant nonsense the media will for some reason pretend to pay attention to for a couple weeks, men’s fashion zine GQ brings us this late-breaking SCOOP about nearly-forgotten idiot Herman Cain’s political platform on, uh, pizza toppings: “A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.” True words of wisdom! And that line is how we will remember him, now that two national polls have officially declared him a loser who can’t even get through a discussion about pizza toppings without saying something that reminds us he is an awful macho man sex creep. Read more on Herman Cain Is Also Sexist Against Vegetables…
  gibberish

Here Are The Hilariously Shlocky Herman Cain Ads From 2004!

We are a little weary of reading the 999 million reports about Herman Cain’s futile efforts to get his dementia-laden storylines about those sexual harassment allegations to line up, so let us escape together briefly, for laffs, in our queer solar-powered time machines back to when Herman Cain was losing his other attempt at political office, a Senate run in Georgia. Here is Herman Cain in this 2004 campaign ad awkwardly hovering in front of a cheap Microsoft Office template graphic as he shrewdly explains that he is a “believer” who will not allow godless activist judges to fulfill their plot to overthrow the United States theocracy, if that is in fact what they are plotting. Read more on Here Are The Hilariously Shlocky Herman Cain Ads From 2004!…