Tag Archives: grifter

  movin' on up

In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative

Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC), who is the Other Black House Republican Besides Allen West, is your newest Senator from South Carolina, after Jim Demint left to grift money at the Heritage Foundation!  YAY!!! Many people think that Tim Scott is somehow better because he is more moderate than Allen West, which is sort of like a fried Snickers bar being healthier than a fried Twinkie because it is covered in slightly less batter.  Also because, much like a Twinkie, Allen West was defeated and therefore no longer really exists. As it turns out, Tim Scott is fucking crazy, but he has that sexy Michael Jordan head rather than Allen West’s weird graying Kendall Gill flattop, so all is forgiven. Read more on In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative…
  snowbilly divorce ethics

Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce

Way back in 2007, when Wonkette was literally the only national media actually covering Sarah Palin and her ridiculous role as John McCain’s vice-presidential candidate was still just a stain in Bill Kristol’s underroos, the Wasilla grifter was already planning her divorce from amiable extremist dolt Todd Palin. Emails finally released on Thursday show Sarah was scheming even then, and wondering if her divorce from Todd — a laborer on the North Slope oil fields — would somehow lead to charges of conflict of interest because of Governor Sarah’s “drill baby drill” policies. None of this makes any sense, because Sarah Palin is a lifelong idiot. But she is consistently phony and amoral, when it comes to “family values,” at least! Read more on Sarah Palin Worried About Oil Money Conflict of Interest In Her Divorce…
  america's last days

Sarah Palin Movie … Nominated For An Oscar? (OH WAIT NOT REALLY)

Can the Wasilla Grifter possibly get another five minutes added to her expired fifteen minutes of infamy? Well, yes, of course. Besides, her fifteen minutes actually turned out to be three-and-a-half years, which is pretty substantial for an aging snowbilly grandma whose one and only talent was being less physically repulsive than John McCain, back in 2008. Anyway, that awful feature-length commercial for Palin’s nonexistent presidential campaign, Undefeated, has been nominated for an Academy Award (TM) … and not even in the expected categories of Animated Feature Film or Hilarious Costume Design. UPDATE FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT MOVIES: Ha, thank Christ, it’s a different movie also called the same thing, Undefeated. Whew. Read more on Sarah Palin Movie … Nominated For An Oscar? (OH WAIT NOT REALLY)…
  grifter´s downfall

Sarah Palin Reduced To Hosting Dinners At Disneyworld

Damaged-goods dingbat Sarah Palin is so unpopular and forgotten these days that only Florida’s state GOP wants her around, at a trade-show rubber-chicken dinner, at Disneyworld. Palin has apparently accepted an offer to jabber for a few minutes in exchange for a platter of convention food and a bag of soiled dollar bills. But she’s not even the Star Attraction! According to the event’s flyer, printed out in Microsoft Word by a temp employee, evil cue-ball Rick Scott and one of his fake minions (“chairman Lenny Curry,” sure) are the actual headliners. Read more on Sarah Palin Reduced To Hosting Dinners At Disneyworld…
  new study proves it

Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear

A new Fox News poll says 71% of Republicans don’t want quitter-grifter Sarah Palin in the 2012 race. But why? Isn’t she still fun? No? Apparently not. She is a worn-out old circus hag, and even teabaggers have noticed that the only thing she cares about is getting media attention for Sarah Palin. Could the Wasilla creep’s celebrity gravy train finally be breaking down? We hope so! We also hope the Palins do what every white-trash lotto-winning family always does, which is piss through the whole insane fortune in a couple of years and wind up destitute. That toothless crone selling meth in the bathroom at the Anchorage train station in 2020 is likely to be one-time vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin! Read more on Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear…
  the wasilla quitter quits again

Basket Case Quitter Sarah Palin Cancels Her Own Tea Party Headliner

What has Sarah Palin quit today? Her own headline act at Iowa’s big Tea Party circus this Saturday. And how is this different than everything else this mentally unstable con-artist has quit since losing her one and only national election? Well, this time, she managed to attack her former dingbat-grifter protege Christine O’Donnell in the process, because Sarah just couldn’t stand the idea that a younger, prettier version of herself might take some of the spotlight — even though Christine O’Donnell isn’t even considered a “potential presidential candidate” by the delusional old white cranks of the Tea Party. Oh, Sarah, you never let us down, the way you constantly let everyone down. Read more on Basket Case Quitter Sarah Palin Cancels Her Own Tea Party Headliner…
  hahahahaha

Sarah Palin Movie Suffers Like Its Protagonist From a Case of the Quits

In spite of record heat waves and the rising cost of air conditioning bills that make repeated trips to the movie theater perhaps a sensible alternative to heat death, moviegoers across America still found the courage to give Sarah Palin horror flick The Undefeated a resounding middle finger for the second weekend in a row. The film took in a hilarious $24,000 from the 14 theaters where it is showing, a 63% dropoff from even its first pathetically miserable weekend. Why has Sarah Palin’s cult of sweaty white angerbear fans not scootered over en masse to theaters? The fines for being caught fapping in a public theater have gone up, we suppose. Well, so that experiment is wrapping up, and now the movie is going immediately to home video. Read more on Sarah Palin Movie Suffers Like Its Protagonist From a Case of the Quits…
  Repello Muggletum

Harry Potter Teen Devil Magic Annihilates Sarah Palin Home Movie

Faded reality-teevee grandma Sarah Palin was hoping her remaining fans — other bitter middle-aged white people who expect to get rich without working — would flock to the premiere of the new two-hour commercial/home movie about Sarah Palin. But in the Republican stronghold of Orange County, California, one of only ten theaters nationwide to release the propaganda last night had exactly one person in the audience. And that person was only there to write Harry Potter jokes about it, for The Atlantic. You see, last night was also the premiere of the last Harry Potter movie. And once again, the sexy powers of Witchcraft have obliterated the boring world of angry old unemployed people complaining about the Negro. Read more on Harry Potter Teen Devil Magic Annihilates Sarah Palin Home Movie…
  farmville for dummies

Any Random Sarah Palin Email Is Scandalous, As We Prove Here

The Guardian, America’s greatest paper that is actually a socialist paper from somewhere in England, has this fun gimmick where you can see an unseen Sarah Palin Secret Email just by clicking a button. It is like Farmville, but actually dumber than that. The very first random unseen email we saw was a blank page that said “State of Alaska” at the top. Somehow not scandalous! But the very next one has a scandal involving BP and a brother-in-law and the usual paranoid Palin bullshit. So, we figure exactly half of these emails — roughly 12,000 — are proof of Palin’s criminal snowbilly behavior. Put her in Gitmo before she emails again! Read more on Any Random Sarah Palin Email Is Scandalous, As We Prove Here…
  thrilla from wasilla

Sarah Palin’s ‘Rolling Menace’ Bus Tour Makes Everyone Hate Her More

More news about snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin’s rented bus stunt wreaking havoc with both the nation’s road safety and the GOP chances in 2012? Yes! Here is the first part, courtesy of the important webzine The Politico, which employs adults to drive dangerously behind Palin’s caravan: “As they left the clambake she attended Thursday in New Hampshire, Palin’s two-SUV caravan traveled at 52 miles per hour in a 35 mph zone as it peeled away from the hosts’ neighborhood. Both cars blew through a stop sign about a mile later. They did 70 mph in a 55 mph zone on I-95.” Clambake, eh? We thought that was some kind of sitting around a campfire at the beach sort of thing, like in LL Bean. No, because with Palin everything is a monster truck rally. And she is the monster. Read more on Sarah Palin’s ‘Rolling Menace’ Bus Tour Makes Everyone Hate Her More…
  history is now fixed

Palin Supporters Invade Wikipedia With True Story Of Paul Revere

Sarah Palin and her supporters are doing many idiotic things today, so here we are posting about her again. Upon hearing that their illiterate leader revised American history to tailor Paul Revere’s ride to reflect her NRA-themed wet dream about scaring off British soldiers by hollering and waving guns, Mama Grizzly’s supporters’ first reaction was to immediately try to change the historical record to match this account. So let’s see, where is all actual history stored? Wikipedia! Her supporters flocked to Wikipedia and furiously edited factual inaccuracies into the Paul Revere page, because Palin is never wrong, like the Pope. Read more on Palin Supporters Invade Wikipedia With True Story Of Paul Revere…
  gold medal in dumb

Sarah Palin Also Wrong About Everything Else She Says On Dumb Bus Tour

Her hilarious re-imagining of American History is getting most of the lulz right now, but a guy called “Fact Checker” at the Washington Post has put together a semi-comprehensive list of other major falsehoods the Wasilla Grifter has jabbered into microphones since renting that tour bus. Read more on Sarah Palin Also Wrong About Everything Else She Says On Dumb Bus Tour…
  the grifters are coming! the grifters are coming!

Sarah Palin Has No Idea Who Paul Revere Was, Or What He Did

Jabbering imbecile Sarah Palin and her rented tour bus continue to bring laughs to America. Here’s how she described Paul Revere’s famous 1775 secret horseback ride through the countryside where he quietly warned revolutionary conspirators of the British Army’s progress between Boston and Lexington, where they planned to arrest Samuel Adams and John Hancock: “He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.” You must watch this video from the local news in Boston. Read more on Sarah Palin Has No Idea Who Paul Revere Was, Or What He Did…
  small sad protests

‘Media Whore’ Sign Briefly Taped To Side of Palin’s Rented Bus

Why didn’t New Yorkers pick up Sarah Palin’s entire dumb bus with her dumb picture plastered across both sides and dump the thing in the Hudson, with her in it? New Yorkers are busy! They can’t be bothered to bodily evict every jerkoff wingnut who comes to town. Anyway, somebody taped a little teeny tiny sign on Palin’s rented bus. Read more on ‘Media Whore’ Sign Briefly Taped To Side of Palin’s Rented Bus…
  look at me/don't look at me

Sarah Palin Mystery Tour Game Begins

Here is something about the media: Reality TV star Sarah Palin feels they are not working hard enough. She will not be the kind of “conventional politician” who gives out schedules and press availabilities and makes everything so easy on lazy reporters with deadlines. No, she will be like Carmen Sandiego and everyone will be required to do some “investigative work” to figure out where she will go next on her vacation tour to snap crappy pictures for her SarahPAC blog. Read more on Sarah Palin Mystery Tour Game Begins…
  just like MLK jr.

Sarah Palin Honors Vets With Photo Of Herself On A Motorcycle

Happy Memorial Day! It is time to honor America’s War Heroes, meaning Sarah Palin. America’s favorite snowbilly grifter showed up Sunday at “Rolling Thunder,” a non-partisan organization which raises awareness of veterans’ issues through the display of motorcycles that run on Muslim-Arabian fuel. Palin attracted a crowd of rally-goers eager to honor Sarah’s service in foreign wars, we guess. Sadly, she didn’t get to make a speech thanking these people for honoring her terrible sacrifices, so instead she just scrawled the words “justice rolls” on her hand in ink. Is this biker-gang humor? Read more on Sarah Palin Honors Vets With Photo Of Herself On A Motorcycle…
  needy has-beens

Sad Sarah Palin Begging Blogs To Cover Her Squirmish-y Speeches

Squirmish-y grifter Sarah Palin isn’t getting noticed enough by the media she pretends to hate! This is why the multi-millionaire human fraud and political quitter is begging the Huffington Post to please, please, please keep her in the blog-news cycle. It’s one thing to be a gleefully ignorant demagogue to a bunch of unemployed housebound white people on Twitter clicking the ‘puter until their electricity is shut off again, but how does Sarah get money from that? She needs those $100,000 checks for squeaking out some half-baked bigotry, and in order to be “worth the money” (to billionaires), she’s got her press aide sending these desperate tweets begging the blogs and television networks to cover Sarah’s latest spill of word salad. Because when the media coverage of vapid human oddity Sarah Palin stops, the $100,000 appearances stop. There’s just one problem: Even the media is tired of Sarah Palin, the most reliable clown of the past three years. What’s Grandma Palin gonna do now? Read more on Sad Sarah Palin Begging Blogs To Cover Her Squirmish-y Speeches…
  tacky!

Los Angeles Times Calls Sarah Palin ‘Special-Needs Case’

We sure hope Jonah Goldberg doesn’t quit in protest over this, but the Los Angeles Times just described Sarah Palin as a “special-needs case.” (Haha, Jonah Goldberg would never quit the one newspaper that would actually pay him for his dumb column. Money’s money, honey!) Anyway, this is an extremely exciting editorial in that it says something a) that everyone already believes but b) is about Sarah Palin, so Sarah Palin is somehow going to try to get David Letterman fired over it, and then call him a child molester. Anyway, please enjoy this excerpt from the column that will cause Palin’s fans to painstakingly cut out each advertisement in the Sunday paper and then try to “send it to Twitter” by stuffing it in the ‘puter’s drink holder. Never Forget! Read more on Los Angeles Times Calls Sarah Palin ‘Special-Needs Case’…
  just hangin' with da lord

Sarah Palin To Visit Israel, Where Jesus Lives

Haha, did you think she was really going away? NEVER. Not until the last nickel is grifted! Sarah Palin is doing an International Lecture Tour, which will consist of one speech (in India, because why not?) and then a second stop in Fox News’ closest strategic American ally, Israel. You don’t just “go to India,” wherever that is, without stopping at Jesus’ house. (Wait ’til she finds out Jesus is just some gay programmer who shares a flat in Tel Aviv by the dance clubs with his boyfriend, an Arab.) Why do wingnut Republicans considering a White House run always go to Israel? WE TOLD YOU IDIOTS ALREADY, because it’s where Jesus lives. Wait ’til she finds out those Israelis are all Jews! (Hopefully she will convert them real quick to the Church of Our Intolerable Wasilla Grifter.) Read more on Sarah Palin To Visit Israel, Where Jesus Lives…
  has-beens

Even Republicans Finally Tired of Sarah Palin

Aging reality-show diva Sarah Palin is finally suffering the fate of all talentless “famous for being famous” people: Her popularity is rapidly fading, and her days as an A-lister are forever in the past. This doesn’t mean she’ll ever have to actually work for a living — there will be infomercials for adult diapers, live appearances at regional strip-mall openings and other low-rent ways to bring in enough money to keep her far more comfortable than she deserves. But even Fox News is about to drop Palin from a lucrative on-air contract, as her nails-on-chalkboard voice and jabbering nonsense have never translated into ratings for the cable channel, and her unfavorable rating with Republican voters is now at an all-time high of 37%, worse than any other Republican talking about running for president in 2012. It only took two-and-a-half years of the most venal, vulgar behavior to chop Palin down to nobody size again, but now there’s at least the hope of seeing the Wasilla Grifter pushed off the national stage forever. Read more on Even Republicans Finally Tired of Sarah Palin…
  stop it

EXCLUSIVE Video Tour of Bristol Palin’s Foreclosed Stucco Dump

Oh good gravy, one of those celebrity teevee shows has an EXCLUSIVE video of somebody walking around while Bristol ‘n Tripp show off the empty foreclosed Arizona exurban cotton-field end-of-the-highway stucco box that she bought with CA$H because people have given her hundreds of thousands of dollars for managing to get pregnant as a teenager while being Sarah Palin’s daughter. YOU JUST TRY that, and then let’s see who laughs. It takes talent to be born into that snowbilly grifter family! Read more on EXCLUSIVE Video Tour of Bristol Palin’s Foreclosed Stucco Dump…
  and she's got a new penis to ride!

Bristol Palin Mumbles Dumbly To Alaska ‘Rock Jocks’

America’s princess, Bristol Palin, did an exclusive phone-in with these two minor-market FM morning show announcers all about the mysteries of her life — and she called in from her Arizona stucco ghetto foreclosure about 50 miles outside of Phoenix, surrounded by garbage and cotton fields and bits of rock, and you can almost see her, in your mind, sitting on the floor of maybe the fourth bedroom, staring vacantly at the broken mini-blinds hanging lopsided over the dusty window, and she’s got a Taco Bell bag on the floor and she’s just chomping on various items (Taco Bun, Double Taco Bun Supreme, Lard Lick, etc.) between her mush-mouth squeak answers to these obsequious dolts on the classic rock station up in Wasilla. Just listen to these brown-nosers, it’s like Sarah drove over there on her quad or whatever before the segment and threatened to saw off their nuts if they didn’t display proper groveling diffidence to this 20-year-old known for getting pregnant once, many years ago, when she was a teen-ager and John McCain was running for president. Read more on Bristol Palin Mumbles Dumbly To Alaska ‘Rock Jocks’…