Wonkette

The most widespread form of “life” in Washington is the common Norway Rat, which completely owns the miserable District. Like most stunned bumpkins forced by bad luck or weird morals to the nation’s foul capital, the new editor of Reason magazine is horrified to find that dog-sized vermin live in every home, even the White House. MORE »

Last week, from Thursday, February 9, through Saturday, February 11, conservative political activists from around the country descended upon Washington for the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). And the Wonkette Welcome Wagon was there to meet them!

Okay, we kinda missed all of the panels, speeches, and events. We didn’t get to hear Ann Coulter rail against “ragheads,” and we missed the mob-scene book signings by blogebrities Glenn Reynolds and Michelle Malkin. Nor did we attend the remarks of self-professed ex-gay Alan Chambers, who said sodomy was like fast food: “It will kill you.” Uh, not if you don’t swallow!

(Remember, boys and girls: as former President Clinton can tell you, the legal definition of sodomy encompasses a wide range of sexual acts. Black’s Law Dictionary defines sodomy as “oral or anal copulation between humans, or between humans and animals.” In other words, it’s not just assfucking!)

We don’t look that drunk, do we? (Photo by the Boi From Troy, blogging at our too-cool-for-school sibling.)

Sorry for that scholarly digression. Although we missed CPAC’s substantive presentations — if Ann Coulter mocking John Kerry as the other “dominant woman in American politics” qualifies as “substantive” — we did show up for the most important part: the drinking!

A chronicle of our misadventures, after the jump.

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• “Willful disregard of a law is potentially an impeachable offense. It is at least as impeachable as having a sexual escapade under the Oval Office desk and lying about it later. The members of the House Judiciary Committee who staged the impeachment of President Clinton ought to be as outraged at this situation. They ought to investigate it, consider it carefully and report either a bill that would change the wiretap laws to suit the president or a bill of impeachment.” Thus spake those pinko-liberals from that bastion of Maoism known as…uhm…wait–this is from Barron’s? [The Big Picture] MORE »

• President Bush wants us to believe that everything is going super-terrific well in Iraq, that democracy is on the march and that the electoral process is bringing hope and flowers and funnel cake to the misbegotten motherfuckers of Mesopotamia. BUT IF THAT IS TRUE: Why is the Pentagon sending their PAIN RAY (!?) to Iraq? [DefenseTech.org] MORE »

• This hot sauce tastes good on everything! Except yellowcake. [Gawker] MORE »