Tag Archives: gretchen carlson

  How do you say "fuck off" in Spanish?

Donald Trump Has To Sue Univision Now, Because It Acted Too Mexican At Him

Fox forgot to put scare quotes around
Hilariously egotistical ass Donald “I’m Donald Trump!” Trump, who thinks he is running for president, has run into a little problem. You see, he made some dumbass comments a while back about how he’s the only “candidate” qualified to solve our immigration problem, by building a YOOOOOGE fence, because DONALD TRUMP IS THE BEST AT FENCES. Also, the Mexicans will have to pay for the fence, because “they have really ripped this country off.” Donald Trump knows he can make them pay for it, because Donald Trump is the best at getting people to give him pesos. He doesn’t hate Mexicans, though! It’s just the way they come to America and act all Mexican-like, is all. Read more on Donald Trump Has To Sue Univision Now, Because It Acted Too Mexican At Him…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  Attack Of The 50-Foot Straw Man

Fox’s Gretchen Carlson Tells Protesting Colorado Punks To Love It Or Leave It

Hey, Kids, you won one! Now get back to studying!
Fox News lady Gretchen Carlson has just about had it with these radical extremist Denver-area high school students and their unruly protests over proposed changes to the history curriculum. The walkouts have continued all week, and have spread to additional schools. And by golly, Gretchen is angry that these kids would dare to object to the school board’s simple wish that they learn patriotism and respect for authority. Read more on Fox’s Gretchen Carlson Tells Protesting Colorado Punks To Love It Or Leave It…
  clipbait

John Oliver Laughs At Your American Dream (Video)

Here’s what we love about John Oliver and the writing staff at Last Week Tonight: they have a real knack for taking issues that seem dry and unfunny, and then exploring them creatively and in depth, all the while bringing the ha-has, too. And so this week he tackles income inequality, or as Fox News calls it, Class Warfare. There’s a simple test to see where you fall on the income inequality spectrum, he says: Are you paying for HBO or stealing it? What’s especially galling in America is the extent to which people who are never going to be in the top tax brackets are so willing to support policies that are designed to help the rich get even richer; Oliver notes that our willingness to act against common sense is rooted in one of our best national traits, our optimism, which makes us susceptible to a huckster like Marco Rubio saying that there are no “haves and have-nots” in America, only “haves and soon-to-haves, people who have made it and people who will make it.” And so we simultaneously think that our system is unfair and we can’t wait until we get to be rich exploiters too: “I can clearly see this game is rigged. Which is what’s gonna make it so sweet when I win this thing, whooo!!” Read more on John Oliver Laughs At Your American Dream (Video)…
  hot flick picked to click

New Christian Blockbuster ‘Persecuted’ Will Rock Your World, Turn You So Evangelical

We are SO HYPED for this hot new Christian flick, Persecuted. Look at the high-profile cast: Dean Stockwell! Fox’s Gretchen Carlson! Motherfucking Fred Thompson. Bruce Davison aka the guy that turned to goo in the first X-Men movie and didn’t get invited back for the upcoming reboot! BOOM. We are going to be so evangelical by the time this thing is done. Read more on New Christian Blockbuster ‘Persecuted’ Will Rock Your World, Turn You So Evangelical…
  what is 'legal'?

Barack Obama Said A Mean Thing About Tobacco, So Now Fox News Wants Everyone To Smoke

The giant drugstore chain CVS announced it will no longer be selling cigarettes, and Barack Obama said a thing, like, “that’s nice. Health,” or something, we don’t know, it was pretty anodyne. Did Fox News run every picture of Barack Obama smoking it could find and then bleat and guffaw about haw haw hypocrite? It did not, because that would have been an attack that made sense. First up was Gretchen Carlson — you know, the smart one. She put on her confused squirrel face to ask the question, is it even legal for CVS to stop selling cigarettes? Like, is it? (Hint, Gretchen: In Obama’s Amerikkka, they can force you to abort your gay marriage butt babby, but they still can’t force you to not stop selling cigarettes.) Read more on Barack Obama Said A Mean Thing About Tobacco, So Now Fox News Wants Everyone To Smoke…
  the sarcasm gap

Hillary Clinton Stumps Fox Crew In 140 Letters Or Less

Oh no she di’int! But wait! She dih’! Hillary Clinton tweetered out this amusing comment on the Sportsball Extravaganza Sunday, and while most people with normal reading comprehension read it as a comment on the coverage she’s received on the Rupert Murdoch Rage Network, as compared to the humiliating pounding of the Denver sportsball fellows, it seems that the point was utterly lost on a couple of Fox anchors, either because they really are that dense or because it was in their best career interest to insist that they really love the lapels on their boss’s new clothes. In the FoxoPlex, it was obvious that the “someone else” getting roughed up on Fox just had to refer to Barack Obama getting pummelled by Bill-O’Reilly in that pre-game interview. It’s the only possible interpretation. Read more on Hillary Clinton Stumps Fox Crew In 140 Letters Or Less…
  nasty as he wanna be

Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch

Roger Ailes, that jowly old leftover from the Cantina scene in Star Wars, turns out to be exactly the sort of high-minded gentleman that you might expect, assuming his mind is located a few inches south of his belt buckle. We have another batch of pre-release ugly bits from that new biography from Gabriel Sherman, this time courtesy of the intrepid muck-sorters at Media Matters, who found the icky stuff so people who eagerly buy the book can plausibly say they never read it. Turns out that one of the longest categories in the book’s index is “Legs, Ailes’s fixation on.” As we already knew from Gretchen Carlson, ladies on Fox and Friends were forbidden to wear the pantaloons; now we find that no matter what was going on in the world, Ailes knew what mattered for Fair And Balanced News: gams, drumsticks, pins, alabaster pillars, stems, getaway sticks, Legs. We knew that he was kind of an extremist, but had no idea how obsessed he was with extremities. Read more on Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch…
  lucky duckies

Elizabeth Hasselbeck So Mad About All These Gross Lazy Poor People With Their Fancy ‘Television’ And ‘Cell Phones’ And ‘Food’

Elizabeth Hasselbeck is doing a pretty great job as Fox & Friends’ new Gretchen. Like, first, she totally has blond hair. Second, she is also possessed of a vag. Third, she can completely say idiotic things about whatever Fox wants her to say idiotic things about, and today that idiotic thing is the Poors. Read more on Elizabeth Hasselbeck So Mad About All These Gross Lazy Poor People With Their Fancy ‘Television’ And ‘Cell Phones’ And ‘Food’…
  brian kilmeade to seek election to municipal council of gigante colombia

Gretchen Carlson’s Pants, Gretchen Carlson’s Pants, Gretchen Carlson’s Pants

On Thursday’s Kilmeade and Friends radio program (a thing which apparently exists), former Fox & Friends cohost Gretchen Carlson talked about pants and how the dress code on Fox’s morning show was apparently dictated by that place in France: BRIAN KILMEADE: Guess who just walked in? If you’re watching — if you have the podcast. Gretchen Carlson’s in, dressed casual, kind of. Very nice. CARLSON: Wait a minute. Nobody’s going to recognize me because not only am I dressed casually, I have on pants. KILMEADE: Well, pants, what is — CARLSON: Now, pants were not allowed on Fox & Friends, remember? KILMEADE: Yeah, what happened with that? CARLSON: So I have jeans on, Brian. Welcome — welcome to the new Gretchen. Read more on Gretchen Carlson’s Pants, Gretchen Carlson’s Pants, Gretchen Carlson’s Pants…
  male-pattern dumbness

Fox: Why Are Women So Greedy, With Their Breast And Ovarian Cancer Costing Men All This Money?

Hey ladies! Have you met Fox medical expert Dr. David Samadi? He is here to sexplain to us all that Obamacare is VERY STUPID to mandate that women and men be charged the same for insurance, because of how the women have the breasts and the ovaries, and they are just bogarting all the medical care, and why should the douchey one, Brian Kilmeade, be forced to pay for Gretchen Carlson’s dumb old cooter just because she is addicted to going to the doctor and getting pap smears and not dying of ovarian cancer? Man, women love going to the doctor like they love buying SHOES, amirite? Gretchen Carlson, you are a greedy slut. Read more on Fox: Why Are Women So Greedy, With Their Breast And Ovarian Cancer Costing Men All This Money?…
  Fast & Spurious

Woah: Fox & Friends Nearly (Accidentally?) Practiced a Tiny Smidgen of Journalism

Uh-oh, Chongo! The fearsome intellects of Fox & Friends are flirting with getting their mics torn off and stomped by their megalomaniac boss! In an interview Monday with Utah Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Benghazi-Benghazi-Benghazi), the hosts actually asked questions that questioned some of the crazy stuff he was saying, leading ThinkProgress to lead us to the Bizarro-World declaration that “They’ve Lost Fox & Friends,” where the “they” here is the Republican Party. We aren’t entirely sure about that; after all, it was early on a Monday, perhaps before the amphetamines kicked in. The more likely explanation, however, is that Our Military Leaders are never wrong. Read more on Woah: Fox & Friends Nearly (Accidentally?) Practiced a Tiny Smidgen of Journalism…
  that's a clown question bro

Gretchen Carlson Tries Valiantly To Shut Up Dumb Co-Anchors Wondering If Hillary Clinton Was ‘Pushed’ Onto Her Head

Why didn’t Steve Kroft ask Hillary Clinton about her stupid lie concussion and bleedy brain clot on 60 Minutes last night? OK, so Steve Kroft did ask Hillary Clinton about her stupid lie concussion and bleedy brain clot on 60 Minutes last night. But why didn’t he ask how it happened? Did she fall down? WAS SHE PUSHED? That is what either Doocy or the Rapey One is asking: Was Hillary Clinton pushed onto her head. Gretchen Carlson, it is once again time for you to attempt to get this clown car back under control. Will you succeed? Probably not! Read more on Gretchen Carlson Tries Valiantly To Shut Up Dumb Co-Anchors Wondering If Hillary Clinton Was ‘Pushed’ Onto Her Head…
  sadface

For Fox & Friends, It Was A Very Bad Year

We at your Wonket are liberals and Obamatards, and so it hurts us to see anyone in pain. (Ask us sometime about our “mirror neuron” seminar, and how our mirror neurons are the strongest, ass-kickin’est mirror neurons in the world!) It even hurts us to see Gretchen Carlson, and the Dooce, and the rapey one in pain! And yet, there is no shirking when there is work to be done, and in this case it is holding up these fucking dunces for yet another round of Jesus Christ, WHAT??? Here are a few of our favorite things. Read more on For Fox & Friends, It Was A Very Bad Year…