Tag Archives: Greg Gutfeld

  Save The Drilling Rigs Save The World

Fox Host To Grads: Want To Save The World? Go Work For Big Oil

From 'Children's shows we never watched, Volume 3'
It’s Graduation Season, and time for all kinds of inspiring thoughts from Olds to Youngs, mostly aimed at telling the Youngs to not fuck things up as badly as the Olds did. One exception, of course, was Kurt Vonnegut, who reminded graduates at Bennington in 1970 that they couldn’t possibly hope to save the world because they had no money or power: “You don’t even know how to handle dynamite.” But he nonetheless urged them, once they did gain some money and power, to work for a form of socialist government. That’s still much better advice than the thoughts on success ladled out by two of Fox’s The Five Monday. Read more on Fox Host To Grads: Want To Save The World? Go Work For Big Oil…
  Isolated Insolents

Fox News Can’t Remember Any Rightwing Terror Attacks. We’re Here To Help

All terrorists are leftwing. That's just a given!
Fox News’s The Five had a little memory problem Monday, accusing the Department of Homeland Security of completely imagining that rightwing extremists pose any threat to U.S. Americans, because as we all know, the only real terrorists are the Islamic ones. Most of the panel dismissed the DHS’s recent report on the threat from “Sovereign Citizens” and other far-right groups as a pathetic attempt to avoid offending Muslims by pretending that anyone else does terrorism in U.S. America. Read more on Fox News Can’t Remember Any Rightwing Terror Attacks. We’re Here To Help…
 

Fox News Thinker Greg Gutfeld: Stephen Colbert Would Be Nothing Without Us (And Our F**kups)

You're looking at a guy who knows cool
Following Stephen Colbert’s big finale on the Colbert Report, the thought leaderers of Fox’s The Five shared their thoughts on Colbert’s sendoff. Dana Perino and Kimberly Guilfoyle thought it would have been a nice touch if Bill O’Reilly had been included in the big sing-along, apparently unaware that Colbert had said earlier in his final week that “no one’s going to pay me to watch [O’Reilly] anymore, so fuck that noise!” Read more on Fox News Thinker Greg Gutfeld: Stephen Colbert Would Be Nothing Without Us (And Our F**kups)…
  Gag Me With A Ballot

Fox News: Young Women Should Go Find Sexxytimes Online And Leave Democracy To Grownups

If it keeps the terrorists from winning, it's still civic-minded.
Fox News hostroid Kimberly Guilfoyle said Tuesday that America would be a far better place if young women would just please stay home and go do their Twittergrams and Tindermatches instead of cluttering up our elections with all their stupidness. She urged the frivolous young things to avoid voting in this year’s midterms and to only return to the polls when they have the maturity to vote like a respectable married lady, preferably one with a good Republican cloth coat and a little dog named Checkers. Read more on Fox News: Young Women Should Go Find Sexxytimes Online And Leave Democracy To Grownups…
  Here have some news n stuff

Ladies Flying Planes And Other Tales Of Terror

The Wonkette Overnight Desk has been hard at work aggregating content for your pleasure.
Yesterday on Fox’s The Five, Kimberly Guilfoyle gave a shout-out to Major Mariam Al Mansouri, the first female fighter pilot in the United Arab Emirates. Mansouri led her country’s contingent of military pilots that participated in bombing ISIS in Syria earlier this week. Yr Wonkette is not going to cheer on anyone for dropping yet more bombs on more brown people, even if they are fanatical nutbars. Still, we suppose in the context of Middle Eastern countries, where women are sometimes not allowed to so much as drive or even leave the house unless accompanied by a male, this represents a twisted step in the direction of equality. So sure, Kimberly Guilfoyle, go ahead and girl-power away, and let’s hope that none of your troglodytic male co-hosts step on the moment by saying something sexist. Read more on Ladies Flying Planes And Other Tales Of Terror…
  everybody freak out!

Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute

Good Lord, the adult diaper budget for the on-air personalities at Fox News must dwarf the GDP of your average mid-sized nation. Maybe Fox is even a front group for Depends the way the NRA is a front for gun manufacturers. Or maybe we just need a rational explanation for this insane clip of Greg Gutfeld and Kimberly Guilfoyle shrieking in terror over a supposed plague of Muslim terrorists with Western passports like ether-addled monkeys in a product-testing lab. The amounts of side-eye these two must shoot at every falafel cart vendor in New York could probably run the city’s power grid for a hundred years, or until the caliphate is established, whichever comes first. Read more on Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute…
  why did the bigot cross the road?

Fox’s Katie Pavlich: Just Because I’m Scared Of Black People Doesn’t Make Me Racist

Poor Katie Pavlich is just sick and tired of all the racism out there, and on Fox’s The Five Wednesday disagreed vehemently with the crazy notion that we all have prejudices. God knows she’s not prejudiced, although sometimes she does find it necessary to judge people in advance, like if she sees a black kid on the street and she crosses to the other side. But that’s not prejudice. It’s just good pre-judgment, duh. Read more on Fox’s Katie Pavlich: Just Because I’m Scared Of Black People Doesn’t Make Me Racist…
  all the daytime emmys

Fox Gives Ladies Their Own Talk Show, Guess What It Is About Pop Culture And ‘Relationships’

Fellas, do you ever feel as if there are just too many women in your life who will not stop with the yapping about stuff like that hussy Taylor Swift and liberals and “The Big Bang Theory” and liberals and how much ladies love shooting their guns and how terrible liberals are? Do these conversations ever bleed together in one long, shrill bleat that bores into your skull like a drill press? Do you ever feel…outnumbered? If so, you will definitely not want to watch the new Fox News daytime talk show “Outnumbered,” premiering Monday, April 28. Like every other show on Fox, it will consist of a bunch of wingnut idiots lying about everything and calling President Obama a Marxist fascist dictator who wants to steal your guns and make you pay for Sandra Fluke’s birth control. Ha, we’re kidding. The panelists will be discussing “the leading pop culture and relationship issues dominating the headlines that day.” And probably all the ways in which any negative stories are Obama’s fault. The twist? Fox’s press release describes “Outnumbered” as “Featuring an ensemble of four female panelists and one rotating male,” which brought to mind an image of Greg Gutfeld sitting on a Lazy Susan, slowly turning in circles on a table while squawking like a chicken at the four women seated around him. Which, now that we think about it, would be a lot more entertaining than “Red Eye.” Read more on Fox Gives Ladies Their Own Talk Show, Guess What It Is About Pop Culture And ‘Relationships’…
  dispatches from butthurtistan

Return Of The Lucky Duckies: Fox’s Greg Gutfeld Wishes He Was Poor So He Could Live It Up

Hey, kids, remember when the Wall Street Journal started using the charming phrase “lucky duckies” to refer to those high-living Poors who don’t pay any taxes at all, except for payroll taxes, sales taxes, Social Security tax, property tax added to rentals, etc? Would you believe that was back in 2002, and that Tom the Dancing Bug has been mocking it since then, and do you feel really old now? Well have we got news for you! Lucky Duckies are back, even though they never really went away, of course. On Fox’s The Five Tuesday, congealing sack of rancid hobbit semen* Greg Gutfeld took the occasion of Tax Day to not only complain about those lucky poors who don’t have to pay no federal income tax, but also to pretty much lie about them, too, because that is how he roll. Read more on Return Of The Lucky Duckies: Fox’s Greg Gutfeld Wishes He Was Poor So He Could Live It Up…
  let the eagle soar

13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert

CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will replace David Letterman on “The Late Show,” leaving one really important question unanswered: if Stephen Colbert becomes David Letterman, who then will be Stephen Colbert? Never fear. We’ve compiled an incisive and trenchant and helpful list of 13 People Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert. Read more on 13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert…
  hint it is rick perry we would bone rick perry

Which Men On Politichicks’ ‘Hottest Conservatives’ List Would Your Wonkette Do Sex On?

Serious question, Wonkvilleins, because the conservative ladeez of “Politichicks” have put together a Conservative Men Swinging Dicks contest that for real includes Rush Limbaugh, Jonah Goldberg, Joseph Farah and Neil Cavuto, COME ON. (To be fair, those bloated piles of pig anus feature in subcategories like “New Media” and “Rush Limbaugh” and did not final.) But which hot men show enough #1. Intelligence. These guys are brilliant. #2. Courage. They aren’t afraid to stand up to challenges, speak the truth and fight for our country. #3: Passion (See above) #4: Sense of humor. Self-deprecating gets you extra points. #5: Looks. This can be either conventionally handsome or someone who simply exudes sexiness that we would actually want to get all nasty up in them? (Yes, in them. “Santorum” isn’t Dan Savage’s only neologism.) Read more on Which Men On Politichicks’ ‘Hottest Conservatives’ List Would Your Wonkette Do Sex On?…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Jim Carrey Trolls Fox Angerbears, and Other News From The World Of Guns

Greetings, rabble! Welcome to this week’s sad, sad roundup of stupid gun stuff. It is only our fifth entry in this series and already every week feels like an interminable slog through the most depressing and ridiculous and rage-inducing gun-related precincts of the American id. Just this week yr Wonkette brought you these shit-covered piles of shit in Indiana, the irresponsibility of this Mensa-level genius in Utah, and the waste of life-sustaining resources that is Dana Loesch. And that was just since Friday! How much more could we have left in us? Quite a bit, as it turns out! Read more on Jim Carrey Trolls Fox Angerbears, and Other News From The World Of Guns…
  let's have a war

Fox’s Greg Gutfeld Live Tweets His Own Cross-Country Nervous Breakdown

The lack of internet access on planes used to provide people a bit of a forced break from being constantly connected to the miasma of awful penetrating our daily lives. However since Wifi access became a more or less standard feature on long flights, many people have decided to take advantage of this contained period of time to catch up on work or answer emails. Others, including failed titty magazine impresario and middle-aged youth expert Greg Gutfeld, apparently like to use this opportunity to spend five hours on a one-sided tweet rampage for no particular reason. Read more on Fox’s Greg Gutfeld Live Tweets His Own Cross-Country Nervous Breakdown…
  feel the hate

What Is Wrong With Greg Gutfeld?

No, really, we’re asking. Because har har har women are catty bitches and The View and hortle flork manphlegm FEEL MY JIZZ is not funny — and not just because we are a humorless feminist! It is creepy and scary, and you can see even Dana Perino and the Brown-Haired One want as far away from him and his “Go ahead and then I’ll respond to your GARBAGE” as possible, no matter how much of Fox’s lovely money they are being paid. The real question is how long before they and Gretchen Carlson get together and do a 9 to 5 on him and the Rapey One, Dolly Parton-styley? Read more on What Is Wrong With Greg Gutfeld?…
  stop hitting yourself

Fox’s Dana Perino Knows How to Reduce Domestic Violence

In the wake of that football player shooting his  girlfriend and also an entire human history of widespread violence against women,Fox’s Dana Perino has an innovative solution  to end the abuse! Did you know that probably a majority of the time, women who are beaten consciously make a decision to be with the right nut at the right time in the right Applebee’s parking lot? Read more on Fox’s Dana Perino Knows How to Reduce Domestic Violence…
  Spotlight on Civility

A Children’s Treasury of Butthurt Reactions To Joe Biden’s Debate Demeanor

Say, did you notice that Joe Biden was just a little interrupty in the VP Debate? We are given to understand that Old Handsome Joe’s performance made a bit of a stir among some of the more sensitive souls on the right side of the political spectrum. (You see, when a Republican puts on an angry threat display, it proves his “alpha male” status. When a Dem does something similar, it is the end of civility as we know it, and poo must be flung.) The Wingosphere is experiencing such a tsunami of tsuris over Mean Joe that we can only skim the surface in this post; no doubt we will miss some of your personal favorites. So it goes. Let’s see whose delicate sensibilities have been ruffled by the Veep-Hulk: Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Butthurt Reactions To Joe Biden’s Debate Demeanor…
  oh ok got it

Fox ‘Person': Catholics Write Letters, Muslims Stab You With Letter Openers

Greg Gutfeld (Oh my god, Greg, what happened to you, besides too many Crunchwrap Supremes?) is a member of a strange five-person cult that appears on Fox News every day. He thinks he is funny. He used to edit men’s magazines. He used to look like this (fig. 1), of a time. In 2010, during the whole Ground Zero mosque debacle, Gutfeld proposed building a gay bar for Muslims next to the mosque in “an effort to break down barriers and reduce deadly homophobia in the Islamic world.” Nice try (or rather, Hmm, we must acknowledge that you spoke those words), and/but vomit and WTF. Now, Greg tried to make his cult members laugh at Monday’s cult gathering by saying that the difference between Muslims and Catholics is that “Catholics write letters and Muslims stab you with letter openers.” Read more on Fox ‘Person': Catholics Write Letters, Muslims Stab You With Letter Openers…
  burn yer queeran

Akbars, Innuendos, and Mosque-Stoppin’ Good Times

Welcome to this week’s edition of Burn Yer Queeran, where we round up the headlines about America’s ongoing and deserved war against those pesky Allah fanboys and fangirls. To enhance your reading experience, print out and hold onto a copy of this photo of a Christ Palin shrine sent in by anonymous tipster “Paula Abdulaziz,” put on your earphones, and tune in to 9-11 FM. OK, here we go! Read more on Akbars, Innuendos, and Mosque-Stoppin’ Good Times…