Here, watch this, and maybe you too can someday see why it is funny to tag the AIG flogging liveblog with “bonus army.” Ugh. MORE »

Mexicans to mow the lawn, poor black ladies to clean the house, Vietnamese girls for pedicures, gay dudes at the Day Spa for massages, the Ukrainian nanny, the Korean seamstress/dry cleaner, the Brazilian bikini waxer, the starving MFA to tutor your ADD children …. There are just so many slaves to pay, in America, when you are Upper Middle Class! And now there’s no money, so well-off Americans are suddenly forced to trim their own pubes, etc. Hard Times! MORE »

Let’s listen to WTOP for a minute, always fun for a laugh, uhm: “With nobody shopping and more stores vacant, three area shopping centers will scale back their hours starting next week.” Jesus! Isn’t that a nice punch in the mouth, for lunch? Westfield Montgomery Shopping Center, Westfield Wheaton Shopping Center and Westfield Annapolis Mall will all start opening later and closing earlier, the end. [WTOP]

Hey you squawking dingleberries on the cable teevee news? Are you aware there was a Stock Market Rally today? The S&P shot up 4%, which is … about a 10% “recovery.com” from the October collapse? Still! Anyway, obviously, this presidency is in dire shape, what with a very popular new president and all, so let’s watch this speech CLOSELY for signs of WEAKNESS. If you see any such sign, SELL OFF YOUR INVESTMENTS, and abandon your mortgage. It’s his fault! Let’s liveblog, with the best political liveblogging team in History. MORE »

It’s been a long hard road, people. We’ve had some hard times, havin’ some hard times still. But fellow Americans, one thing is true, so undeniably true: George W. Motherfucking Bush Junior is gone. Yes he is! Feels good. Feels good knowing that ignorant motherfucker is back in Dallas, let Texas have him back, right? Back with his own goddammned people, the old America, the old dumb America. Let’s drink to Change tonight, and Hope, and to a variety of other words and phrases we expect to hear as President Barack Obama makes his first address to a joint session of Congress. It’s the first-ever historical President Barack Obama drinking game! MORE »

Yes, sure, a stock index is not an exact reflection of the economy — the market is usually about six months ahead of what’s actually happening, which is why unemployment can take so long to catch up with a sell-off, which is why the continued plunge of ALL major stock indices (worldwide!) is, um, terrifying? MORE »

That Daily Kos blogger with delusions of being Dorothea Lange got us thinking … about how HAWT all those Depression Gals were, compared to, say, America’s current underclass. Amoral affair-having cancer-patient-exploiting day-trading parasitic hack David Denby will surely peck out a very outraged booklet, for Jezebel, about this Children’s Treasury of Dorothea’s Lange’s Sexiest Photographs. But first, he will masturbate to them. MORE »

It was only a matter of time before liberal blog The Daily Kos switched from documenting Obama’s campaign and election to begging him for jobs. Kos blogger “mjgl” (”liberal” in Klingon) wants the new President to know that “mjgl” has always loved those picture books about the Great Depression, so maybe, uhm, a little sumthin’ sumthin’ for “mjgl” would be good, from Obama, so that “mjgl” could also take pictures of the Great Depression we’re having right now! MORE »

The catastrophic news of the day is much like the catastrophic news of the past 18 months or so: OH JESUS, HOUSES, WHAT TO DO? Since the mid 1970s, the answer for many Chicago people has been “Move to some gruesome stucco tract house in a brand-new subdivision about an hour from downtown Phoenix.” So that’s what Barack Obama is doing today: Moving to Phoenix! MORE »

Oh boy the stimulation is signed, in Denver — no birth certificate necessary there! — and here’s your Barack Obama all pissed off at Washington because, duh, Washington is (for the moment) in large part defined by a handful of advertising filler known as “pundits” and “Richard Cohen” and “The Politico,” all of which are basically Dick Cheney x 1,000,000. Meanwhile, over in that ghost town previously known as “Wall Street,” everybody’s all crying because Obama isn’t doing MORE to save their doomed sectors. Close ‘em down! [TeeVee]

Did you hear about the stock market? It’s now at a 10-year low, again, hooray! And the news just keeps getting worse, every fucking day. And maybe it just continues to get worse, every fucking day, until … who knows, 2015? And then another terrible recession-within-the-depression recession in, say, 2017? And then we are finally pulled out by the war against the Space Monsters, which kills off most of Earth’s population but does, at least, revive manufacturing. (Which is done by robots.) MORE »