Tag Archives: governors

  but there's only one mark sanford

Did You Know Other Governors, In History, Have Also Done Weird Things?

An important new Associated Press topical article notes that exactly five other governors in American history have done something weird, while in office. So nature-boy mountain lamer Mark Sanford is not alone! Come out of the closet, Mark, and come back to America. Read more on Did You Know Other Governors, In History, Have Also Done Weird Things?…
  probably bermuda with those other losers

Where The Dickens Is That Rascal Mark Sanford?

As the authorities trace his phone calls so as to locate him and his wife “Jenny” drinks bottle after bottle of zinfandel and morphine in sweatpants while watching her programs, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, a “2012 presidential hopeful,” is currently getting cover from his staff for his insane disappearance. They’ve been claiming all day that he is fine, but they probably have no fucking clue either. What’s the latest make-believe excuse? Read more on Where The Dickens Is That Rascal Mark Sanford?…
  a nation in crisis

Mark Sanford Escapes To Secret Lair, To Cry

South Carolina welfare queen Governor Mark Sanford is nowhere to be found, in South Carolina! His “whereabouts” have been “unknown to state officials since Thursday,” the news outlets report. This country should consider itself lucky to have survived the weekend! So did he get kidnapped in Mexico or something? Hopefully, but those close to him — and no, that does not include his family — claim he is just crying in private for a few days after losing a political battle. Read more on Mark Sanford Escapes To Secret Lair, To Cry…
  we'll burn the new one too

Fiscally Disciplined Country Texas To Spend $11 Million In Obama Money Rebuilding Rick Perry’s House

The best thing to happen in all of Texas last year was when a few Democratic anarcho-syndicalists burned down Rick Perry’s governor’s mansion with a flaming bag of Barney Bush’s poop, maybe. But because the remaining outer shell of this hell castle is a Historical Texas outer shell — and Texas never cheaps out when it comes to honoring its proud history of slavery, violence, oil, and self-importance — the difficult, tedious renovation will cost TWENTY MILLION dollars. CONSIDERING THE COST, the Texas state legislature is now telling Perry that if he wants his dumb house, then $11 million of that sum will have to come out of the Obama Stimulus Package — the thing Perry pretended to hate so much that he vowed to secede over it in ~FY2011. Read more on Fiscally Disciplined Country Texas To Spend $11 Million In Obama Money Rebuilding Rick Perry’s House…
  provocative!

Eliot Spitzer Plays Footsie With Matt Lauer

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy Eliot Spitzer was on the Today show this morning to chat with Matt Lauer about that time the latter fought a deer with his bike, and lost. Now look, jokes about how Eliot Spitzer made it with all the ladies are not funny anymore, at all (although it is funny in this interview when Matt Lauer basically asks Spitzer how many hookers he’s sexed, specifically). Spitzer is smart and goddamnit he should have another job! He should still be running New York! Total FBI-Wall Street conspiracy set-up with this guy, maybe. [MSNBC/Salon] Read more on Eliot Spitzer Plays Footsie With Matt Lauer…
  racism

DAVID PATERSON IS FINISHED: New York Gov. David Paterson, whose reign started about a year ago in that very auspicious first week when he admitted to cheating on his wife and doing coke all the time, is trailing New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo 61-18 (!) in a theoretical gubernatorial primary poll. In a theoretical general election matchup against RUDY TERRIBLE GIULIANI he is losing 53-32. [Quinnipiac] Read more on …
  secret communists

WOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW: OOH LOOKY HERE, the deadline for governors to accept stimulus funds is today, and the last three holdouts in the country — Bobby Jindal, Sarah Palin and even Mark “Queen Welfare Queen” Sanford — have decided to accept allllllllllll of their allotted portions, after ranting for months and months about how accepting that money would destroy their state economies and add trillions in new terrible debt and force them raise taxes to 14,000% within a week just to pay a SINGLE TEACHER. Mark Sanford, of course, accepted this toxic money while still calling Obama a moron for allowing him to do so, because now he’s just going to launder it. [McClatchy] Read more on …
  dinguses

MARK SANFORD REJECTED AGAIN: Skinny communist blog hipster Peter Orszag has rejected South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s request to use his stimulus money to pay down state debt, because of the lack of stimulus. This is the second time Orszag has had to tell this nut to go away, and now Mark Sanford will be the Republican nominee in 2012, assuming the country exists. [AP] Read more on …
  all you need to know

Mark Sanford South Carolina James Clyburn Zimbabwe Black Africa Racism

Welfare Queen and prominent asshole Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, who continues to simultaneously call Barack Obama a sack of shit and ask Barack Obama to pay off his state debt, said today that Obama’s spending policies will lead to Zimbabwe-style hyperinflation, the only real-world situation in which the term “11 million percent” can be applied non-jokingly. Black South Carolina Rep. James Clyburn responded by calling Sanford a racist for comparing Obama to an African country, to which Sanford’s spokesman shot back “Rep. Clyburn always plays the race card,” and now… huh? [HuffPo] Read more on Mark Sanford South Carolina James Clyburn Zimbabwe Black Africa Racism…
  beware the warlocke

Hey Look, The Latest Commerce Secretary Is A Democrat, From China

Look everybody, it’s your new failed Commerce Secretary nominee, Gary Locke. At least that’s what the reporters are saying! He is what the AP terms a “Chinese-American,” which could mean anything. He was the first “Chinese-American” governor of Washington, the state, from 1997 to 2005. So why will he have to withdraw? Eh, who knows, the AP is going insane about some campaign contribution controversy from back in the day. Meh. All we know is that when you google-image his name, you get not only the accompanying picture but a mirror image of it too in the first handful of results. Is Gary Locke a witch? [AP] Read more on Hey Look, The Latest Commerce Secretary Is A Democrat, From China…
  'bi'partisanship

Charlie Crist Jumps At Opportunity To Promote Obama’s Stimulus Package

Orange Florida Governor Charlie Crist is still so mad at John McCain & The Republicans for making him get engaged, to a woman, and then denying him the vice presidential nomination, that he will host a town hall with Barack Obama tomorrow in Fort Myers, Florida, to discuss the stimulus package. It is the cattiest step Crist has taken to hurt his party since before the election, when he extended early voting hours so that the blacks could all finish ACORNing their savior to the presidency, and before that, when he stopped Big Money Business from completely demolishing the Everglades. Read more on Charlie Crist Jumps At Opportunity To Promote Obama’s Stimulus Package…
  blago!

Blago’s On More Of The Teevee Shows

Here’s a preview of former Illinois Gov. “Rod” Blagojevich on tonight’s episode of the David Letterman show. This may have been a step too far for Blago — in case you forgot, he has a real trial coming up, for “criminal” charges — because Letterman at 89 years old is still rather deft at asking certain folks, in the most awkward of ways, why they would appear on his show with 2-ton bindles of bullshit slung over their shoulders. [YouTube] Read more on Blago’s On More Of The Teevee Shows…
  hey mika let's do another shot

Terry McAuliffe’s First Ad Airs During Super Bowl

Hey look it’s wacky Terry McAuliffe’s first ad for governor of Virginia, the first of the 2009 season! It aired during the Super Bowl in select Virginia markets (“Hell”). Basically he tells Virginia that if he wins, then Hillary Clinton will stage a big primary comeback in Puerto Rico and we’ll all get wasted. [Terry McAuliffe, Washington Post] Read more on Terry McAuliffe’s First Ad Airs During Super Bowl…
  they did the same thing to gandhi

Blagojevich Tapes Played At Impeachment Trial

Well this is surreal! What a waste of time and taxpayer money this Illinois Senate impeachment trial is, just rehashing comical two-month old quotes from the teevee news. Apparently they played the actual recordings of Blago’s famously profane Senate seat auction, though, and you can listen to them here. He has the voice of an angel. [Chicago Tribune] Read more on Blagojevich Tapes Played At Impeachment Trial…
  breaking

RACISTS IMPEACH BLAGO: “SPRINGFIELD—In a historic vote, the Illinois House has impeached Gov. Rod Blagojevich, directing the Senate to put the state’s 40th chief executive on trial with the goal of removing him from office. The vote by the House was 114-1 and marks the first time in the state’s 190-year history that a governor has been impeached…” Well this is just terrible news, isn’t it. But what’s this now? “A spokesman for the governor said he won’t resign.” Hooray! [Chicago Breaking News] Read more on …
  boring people

Tim Kaine Is Emperor Of Democrats

Can Virginia’s favorite horse-torture fetishist and wacky hair goblin, Gov. Tim Kaine, heal America’s Democrats after the long Clinton-Obama primary battle? No, no one can. That is known. But he can do other stuff, like expand the Democrats’ electoral map (FAP FAP FAP) as the new head of the DNC, which he now is. Hooray for this new DNC head, “Tim.” For more on the important political implications of this selection, be sure to read Chris Cillizza’s latest “Fix” — obtaining access to large e-mail lists is truly the only thing that matters in politics anymore! [WP/The Fix] Read more on Tim Kaine Is Emperor Of Democrats…
  zing

Blago: Hey Harry Reid, I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU To Not Seat A Nice Old Black Man [UPDATE]

Blago, he’s good today. He set up this press conference to announce his surprise Senate pick, and here he is, dressed to the nines, punctual, grinning, even rattling off a few well-turned sentences in Mexican. He knows he’s politically outmaneuvered Harry Reid, which is perhaps the easiest achievement known to man, but still: “Blagojevich’s news conference came less than an hour after U.S. Senate Democratic leadership issued a statement saying the Senate will not seat anyone the governor chooses to fill Illinois’ vacant Senate post.” O RLY, Democratic leadership? You’re going to REFUSE this nice, experienced, elderly black gentleman a legally valid seat in the Senate? Ha ha, no you won’t! Read more on Blago: Hey Harry Reid, I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU To Not Seat A Nice Old Black Man [UPDATE]…
  delusions

‘Upbeat,’ ‘Positive’ Hairsuited Moron Blagojevich Forges Ahead

Rod Blagojevich, the fifth Beatle, was arrested just three days ago for being a comical idiot who got caught on tape swearing his face off while plotting to sell Barack Obama’s vacated Illinois Senate seat. But he’s not letting anything like an arrest and national humiliation get him down, oh no! He is upbeat and positive about, uh, ignoring all the polls that say he should resign, because a terribly disgraced and effectively powerless governor has many important things to attend to — things he cannot possibly hope to affect in the slightest! Read more on ‘Upbeat,’ ‘Positive’ Hairsuited Moron Blagojevich Forges Ahead…
  official histories

A Children’s Treasury Of Comical Excerpts From Blaggy’s FBI Affadavit

Well, we had to do this post at some point (not really!). Thank you to The Smoking Gun for providing this juicy excerpt from the FBI’s affadavit re: the various stupid crimes of Illinois Governor Rod “Blaggy” Blagojevich in his attempt to sell a United States Senate seat for a cushy job, a cushy job for his wife, or just some cold motherfuckin’ cash, preferably from Warren Buffett, who has lots of it. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Comical Excerpts From Blaggy’s FBI Affadavit…
  let blaggy be blaggy!

Dick Durbin Wants To Strip Blaggy’s Rightful Appointment Powers, For Some Reason

It seems DADDY over there in the Senate wants to give “the people” the right to fill Obama’s Senate seat, which would be a vulgar trashing of the Constitution, taking the choice away from the potty-mouth arrested governor who is on tape trying to sell it, for money, and what not. Read more on Dick Durbin Wants To Strip Blaggy’s Rightful Appointment Powers, For Some Reason…
  blaggy's day

Did That B*tch Rahm Set Him Up?

Ha, we all had a general idea about the atmospherics of “Chicago politics” — various scenarios involving sludge and trades and wires and smoke and $$$ come to mind, all smelling like dry air and farts — but when it invades Real America’s national news, all we want to do is cry! It’s like they all have old scores to settle with the old bosses back in Sicily. The point is: Rahm Emanuel possibly ratted out ol’ Blaggy to the Feds shortly after Blaggy asked him if he’d like to partake in any harmless high-level political corruption. That Rahm, always with the knives! Jesus, Chicago. What Chicago needs more of is Michael Jordan. [ThinkProgress] Read more on Did That B*tch Rahm Set Him Up?…
  racism

Ed Rendell Thinks Napolitano Will Do Well At Homeland Security, Despite Her Vagina

Loveable Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell has opened his fat trap yet again, this time on a hot mic, to celebrate the selection of Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano as Secretary of Homeland Security. He tells a friend that she’ll do well because she’s a fucking unmarried childless loser: “Janet’s perfect for that job. Because for that job, you have to have no life. Janet has no family. Perfect. She can devote, literally, 19, 20 hours a day to it.” Because what the hell else does she have to do, cry all day like a baby, which, again, she’s never had? Does she even have one friend, anywhere?? Also: what is this “thing” that Campbell Brown is doing now, “Cutting Through The Bull.” CNN has no business Dobbsifying this nice lady. [YouTube, Philly Inquirer] Read more on Ed Rendell Thinks Napolitano Will Do Well At Homeland Security, Despite Her Vagina…