governors

More wacky late-summer tales, just for you! This one involves New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, the one with the resume, and the corruption. His life has very little purpose right now. That’s a good thing! The man deserves a break from his prison of Ambition, a passion that has kept him busy in hundreds of […]

Definitely not gay at all South Carolina Lieutenant Governor André Bauer, who has pledged not to run for governor if sex-having Gov. Mark Sanford resigns, so as to avoid any trace of string-pulling, has added some Modifications to this pledge. He has called on Sanford to resign IMMEDIATELY, but if he hasn’t done so within […]

AMERICA'S MOST GRADUAL DIVORCE PROCESS  1:49 pm August 7, 2009

by Jim Newell

JENNY SANFORD & KIDS MOVE OUT LIKE WHOA: The Sanfords are back from their merry two-week jaunt to the country Europe! So… how’d it go??? “First Lady Jenny Sanford announced Friday she is moving with her four sons to Charleston and will no longer live in the Governor’s Mansion.” NOT WELL, EH? The State even […]

Silly Jon Corzine once abandoned his comfy job as a United States Senator in order to waste all of his money on a bid for Governor of New Jersey, that scorching slab of rocks and trash soundtracked to the din of furious rats screaming about property taxes. But as Corzine would soon discover, trying to […]

Some of us have been on vacation since Wednesday, at the delightful Beach, but how could we miss Sarah Palin’s latest cosmic sack o’ lies and demons and terror? Watch her “I’m going to resign because governing a state is hard when you have absolutely no interest in governing a state” speech, it is packed […]

'VIBRANT PINK COMING ALIVE'  6:36 pm June 24, 2009

by Jim Newell

SOMEONE’S BEEN SITTING ON A STORY: Important journalism newspaper The State has released some e-mails between Sanford and “Maria” that they obtained (how??) last December. Fap away! [The State]

Hmm, so that important meeting that Haley Barbour had with assorted Washington fancies on Monday night … folks thought it was all just prelude to a 2012 run, but might it have had something to do with the whole Sanford affair? Because now Barbour is the new head of the Republican Governors Association — at […]

An important new Associated Press topical article notes that exactly five other governors in American history have done something weird, while in office. So nature-boy mountain lamer Mark Sanford is not alone! Come out of the closet, Mark, and come back to America.

As the authorities trace his phone calls so as to locate him and his wife “Jenny” drinks bottle after bottle of zinfandel and morphine in sweatpants while watching her programs, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, a “2012 presidential hopeful,” is currently getting cover from his staff for his insane disappearance. They’ve been claiming all day […]

South Carolina welfare queen Governor Mark Sanford is nowhere to be found, in South Carolina! His “whereabouts” have been “unknown to state officials since Thursday,” the news outlets report. This country should consider itself lucky to have survived the weekend! So did he get kidnapped in Mexico or something? Hopefully, but those close to him […]

The best thing to happen in all of Texas last year was when a few Democratic anarcho-syndicalists burned down Rick Perry’s governor’s mansion with a flaming bag of Barney Bush’s poop, maybe. But because the remaining outer shell of this hell castle is a Historical Texas outer shell — and Texas never cheaps out when […]

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy Eliot Spitzer was on the Today show this morning to chat with Matt Lauer about that time the latter fought a deer with his bike, and lost. Now look, jokes about how Eliot Spitzer made it with all the ladies are not funny […]

RACISM  12:44 pm April 6, 2009

by Jim Newell

DAVID PATERSON IS FINISHED: New York Gov. David Paterson, whose reign started about a year ago in that very auspicious first week when he admitted to cheating on his wife and doing coke all the time, is trailing New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo 61-18 (!) in a theoretical gubernatorial primary poll. In a theoretical […]

SECRET COMMUNISTS  6:15 pm April 3, 2009

by Jim Newell

WOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW: OOH LOOKY HERE, the deadline for governors to accept stimulus funds is today, and the last three holdouts in the country — Bobby Jindal, Sarah Palin and even Mark “Queen Welfare Queen” Sanford — have decided to accept allllllllllll of their allotted portions, after ranting for months and months about how accepting that money […]

DINGUSES  2:43 pm March 20, 2009

by Jim Newell

MARK SANFORD REJECTED AGAIN: Skinny communist blog hipster Peter Orszag has rejected South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s request to use his stimulus money to pay down state debt, because of the lack of stimulus. This is the second time Orszag has had to tell this nut to go away, and now Mark Sanford will be […]