That’s Jefferson Davis, in the picture! Nearly 150 years ago, Jefferson Davis moved to Richmond, Virginia to become the first president of a new country where slaves could still pick the cotton, and indigo. Davis’ run came to an end eight years ago, when Democrat Mark Warner stole Davis’ Richmond mansion and all of its slaves. Democrat Tim Kaine did the same to Mark Warner four years later. But now it is Republican Bob McDonnell’s turn to take the mansion and slaves back from the liberals, the end. Polls close in a few minutes! Wolf Blitzer says he is “so excited,” oh ho ho… MORE »

See what’s going on above? That would be Bob McDonnell crushing the dickens out of Creigh Deeds, in Virginia. Fine, go ahead, win tomorrow, anything to get these dreadful four-per-commercial-break ads (”I will fix the roads” “No I will fix the roads” “You hate women” “I will fix the women and roads,” etc. ) off the air. And how has McDonnell built up such a lead? By not accepting any of Sarah Palin’s offers to campaign with him, for one! This will not stop egomaniacal Sarah Palin from secretly campaigning for McDonnell through a third party, however. Just Sarah bein’ Sarah! MORE »

He finds that if he can just make a list of three modest things to accomplish each day, and then accomplish those things, then the day will have been a success, and he can be happy and won’t have to drink so much at night. [Twitter/Arnold Schwarzenegger via SFist]

HOLY MOLY LOOK AT GOV. RICK PERRY TOUCH THIS MAN. JESUS. He’s like, well sure I’ll shake your hand old man, but before I do that, I’m just gonna pet your hair a lil’ bit, and you’re gonna have to deal with that. Ha ha ha! This is still so good, even on the 42nd watch. And it’s not a one-off thing, either: this is simply how Rick Perry greets other humans. MORE »

Oh, how we are looking forward to the midterm elections! They’re the most fun: dozens of close races where we couldn’t care less about who wins, each defined by some hilarious racist remark or decades-old hotel affair or nutty family member. OR — as is the case in this rare 2009 election, for New Jersey governor — weight. “Political experts” monitoring the race between Jon Corzine and Republican Chris Christie have been wondering for a while now whether Christie’s campaign will sink under his massive massive super-fat insanely obese body. The Fats have rarely done well in elections — it’s true! — at least in the modern era, when male fatness stopped being a symbol of wealth and power and Land. So, is Corzine playing the “fat card” against his fat opponent, in his new ad? MORE »

More wacky late-summer tales, just for you! This one involves New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, the one with the resume, and the corruption. His life has very little purpose right now. That’s a good thing! The man deserves a break from his prison of Ambition, a passion that has kept him busy in hundreds of semi-important government jobs over the years. Now he has time to dance! He also has time to flee boat crashes — you know, like when the boat he’s on demolishes another boat, and destroys a marina in general, and then he and his buddies just pop off and never tell anyone. This is something Bill Richardson has time to do now! MORE »

Definitely not gay at all South Carolina Lieutenant Governor André Bauer, who has pledged not to run for governor if sex-having Gov. Mark Sanford resigns, so as to avoid any trace of string-pulling, has added some Modifications to this pledge. He has called on Sanford to resign IMMEDIATELY, but if he hasn’t done so within a month, then he will allow himself to run for governor. André Bauer is now praying to his gay French god (Howard Dean?) that Sanford resigns in 32 days, in which case there will be no evidence whatsoever of string-pulling or back-room deals. Not that we have any idea what this gaysack could offer Mark Sanford in exchange for a timely resignation. Anyway. [The State]

JENNY SANFORD & KIDS MOVE OUT LIKE WHOA: The Sanfords are back from their merry two-week jaunt to the country Europe! So… how’d it go??? “First Lady Jenny Sanford announced Friday she is moving with her four sons to Charleston and will no longer live in the Governor’s Mansion.” NOT WELL, EH? The State even has a photo of Jenny and her slave haulin’ boxes. Again: good call with the prolonged affair in Argentina there, Mark! Gotta feel sorry for the four rugrats. [The State]

Silly Jon Corzine once abandoned his comfy job as a United States Senator in order to waste all of his money on a bid for Governor of New Jersey, that scorching slab of rocks and trash soundtracked to the din of furious rats screaming about property taxes. But as Corzine would soon discover, trying to balance the budget during a Great New Depression that your state’s top earners spent years engineering at their day jobs across the Hudson will make you VERY UNPOPULAR. And now that Corzine’s trailing by double-digits in his bid for reelection this November, his magic 8-ball of Despair has recommended selecting 38-year-old Randal Pinkett, winner of NBC’s The Apprentice, Season 4, as his running mate — “to energize the African-American base.” Politics is easy! [The Awl]

Some of us have been on vacation since Wednesday, at the delightful Beach, but how could we miss Sarah Palin’s latest cosmic sack o’ lies and demons and terror? Watch her “I’m going to resign because governing a state is hard when you have absolutely no interest in governing a state” speech, it is packed with funnies. We are sobbing. There are evil monsters screeching in the background. And Piper’s feet itch! [YouTube]

• SOMEONE’S BEEN SITTING ON A STORY: Important journalism newspaper The State has released some e-mails between Sanford and “Maria” that they obtained (how??) last December. Fap away! [The State]