governors

Ohio Gov. John Kasich gave his State of the State speech this week and how did that go, The Hill? “Kasich’s speech was laced with repeated mentions of his wife, Karen Kasich, an impersonation by the governor of someone with severe Parkinson’s disorder, and a reference to Californians as ‘wackadoodles.’” Sounds like it went well. […]

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, (former) Tea Party fave, is trying her best to distract us from the sad and dull obviousness of her 2012 endorsement of Mitt Romney with a new Marie Claire interview just ahead of the release of her book, Can’t Is Not An Option (which really looked like Cain Is Not […]

It is not news that Future Sheriff-in-Chief Rick Perry enjoys murdering Mexicans, for sport. That is why Michele Bachmann is probably having a shame-based pill binge, right this very minute, while watching her already-questionable relevance get flushed further and further down the State Fair Porta-Johns. But Rick Perry knows that in order to win 2012, […]

Every day is Christmas for Future President Cowboy Rick Perry. This is partially because that is the law down in Texas, where as much as they want to “teach Creationism” to their children, they are cursed with the burden of also including some facts about science, even though all the miniature Rick Perrys find it […]

We have a new candidate for America’s Next Top Mexican Sociophysiologist. America’s Governor, Jan Brewer of Arizona, said today that a “majority of the illegal trespassers that are coming into the state of Arizona” are drug mules. “There’s strong information to us that they come as illegal people wanting to come to work. Then they […]

The closely monitored Alabama Republican gubernatorial primary race has taken another comical advertising turn, this one not even involving Tim James, who is in like 20th place despite being hilarious. Candidate Roy Moore is attacking fellow candidate Bradley Byrne for suggesting that evolution is something worth considering, and that the Bible is not entirely literally […]

MEET YOUR CANDIDATES  5:12 pm March 24, 2010

by Jim Newell

GOOD NEWS FOR MARYLAND! To your editor’s fellow Maryland natives, as well as current residents and people who simply care about Maryland politics for some reason: he’s ba-ack! Ex-Gov. Bobby Ehrlich — an asshole and born-again wingnut radio host — looks like he’s going to run against Gov. Martin O’Malley this year, in an Epic […]

This is the best that friend-to-nice-ladies David Paterson could come up with, explaining why he decided to exit the New York governor’s race: “It has become increasingly clear to me in the last few days that I cannot run for office and try to manage the state’s business at the same time.” He has a […]

FOUR LESS YEARS!  10:19 am February 26, 2010

by Jim Newell

DAVID PATERSON MAY PROBABLY MOST LIKELY DEFINITELY WON’T RUN FOR RE-ELECTION: New York’s yellow journalism tabloids are all claiming that David Paterson won’t run for re-election in November, now that voters are learning about his penchant for telephoning abused ladies and telling them to shut up. Farewell, blind black Eliot Spitzer person! [NYDN]

Norm Coleman is just weird: “MINNEAPOLIS – Former Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman says his family voted 3-1 against him running for governor, so he will not join the race.” Thanks for the final tally, Norm. Glad to know democracy is still practiced in some households these days, like when a father can’t make up his […]

That’s Jefferson Davis, in the picture! Nearly 150 years ago, Jefferson Davis moved to Richmond, Virginia to become the first president of a new country where slaves could still pick the cotton, and indigo. Davis’ run came to an end eight years ago, when Democrat Mark Warner stole Davis’ Richmond mansion and all of its […]

See what’s going on above? That would be Bob McDonnell crushing the dickens out of Creigh Deeds, in Virginia. Fine, go ahead, win tomorrow, anything to get these dreadful four-per-commercial-break ads (“I will fix the roads” “No I will fix the roads” “You hate women” “I will fix the women and roads,” etc. ) off […]

He finds that if he can just make a list of three modest things to accomplish each day, and then accomplish those things, then the day will have been a success, and he can be happy and won’t have to drink so much at night. [Twitter/Arnold Schwarzenegger via SFist]

HOLY MOLY LOOK AT GOV. RICK PERRY TOUCH THIS MAN. JESUS. He’s like, well sure I’ll shake your hand old man, but before I do that, I’m just gonna pet your hair a lil’ bit, and you’re gonna have to deal with that. Ha ha ha! This is still so good, even on the 42nd […]

Oh, how we are looking forward to the midterm elections! They’re the most fun: dozens of close races where we couldn’t care less about who wins, each defined by some hilarious racist remark or decades-old hotel affair or nutty family member. OR — as is the case in this rare 2009 election, for New Jersey […]