Tag: governors

GOP Senators Gush Over Gorsuch. Wonkagenda For Weds., March 22, 2017

Gorsuch leaves GOP Senators in smiles, Paul Manafort is in deep state trouble, Jared Kushner is building a giant penis building. Your morning news brief!
Don't tell Sarah Palin they weren't really made out of plastic.

Paris Attacks Making Brave Americans Soil Themselves, Quelle Surprise

People react to tragedy in so many different ways. Some rise to the occasion, bravely refusing to be cowed by circumstance, like the Parisians who opened their homes to strangers and the cab drivers who gave people free rides...

John Kasich Does An Excellent Parkinson’s Disease Imitation

Ohio Gov. John Kasich gave his State of the State speech this week and how did that go, The Hill? "Kasich's speech was laced with repeated mentions of his wife, Karen Kasich, an impersonation by the governor of someone...

Nikki Haley Tries to Empower Women While Endorsing Woman-Phobic Freak

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, (former) Tea Party fave, is trying her best to distract us from the sad and dull obviousness of her 2012 endorsement of Mitt Romney with a new Marie Claire interview just ahead of the...

Executioner Perry’s Murder Train Often Picks Up Teenagers and Disabled

It is not news that Future Sheriff-in-Chief Rick Perry enjoys murdering Mexicans, for sport. That is why Michele Bachmann is probably having a shame-based pill binge, right this very minute, while watching her already-questionable relevance get flushed further and...

Rick Perry Has a Large Collection of Boots and ‘Medical Tests’

Every day is Christmas for Future President Cowboy Rick Perry. This is partially because that is the law down in Texas, where as much as they want to "teach Creationism" to their children, they are cursed with the burden...

Jan Brewer Is Closely Watching the Rectums of Illegal Immigrants

We have a new candidate for America's Next Top Mexican Sociophysiologist. America's Governor, Jan Brewer of Arizona, said today that a "majority of the illegal trespassers that are coming into the state of Arizona" are drug mules. "There's strong...

Alabama GOP Gubernatorial Candidate Attacked For Lack Of Jesusness

The closely monitored Alabama Republican gubernatorial primary race has taken another comical advertising turn, this one not even involving Tim James, who is in like 20th place despite being hilarious. Candidate Roy Moore is attacking fellow candidate Bradley Byrne...

GOOD NEWS FOR MARYLAND! To your editor's fellow Maryland natives, as well as current residents and people who simply care about Maryland politics for some reason: he's ba-ack! Ex-Gov. Bobby Ehrlich -- an asshole and born-again wingnut radio host...

David Paterson Cannot Govern And Run For Re-Election At The Same Time

This is the best that friend-to-nice-ladies David Paterson could come up with, explaining why he decided to exit the New York governor's race: "It has become increasingly clear to me in the last few days that I cannot run...

DAVID PATERSON MAY PROBABLY MOST LIKELY DEFINITELY WON'T RUN FOR RE-ELECTION: New York's yellow journalism tabloids are all claiming that David Paterson won't run for re-election in November, now that voters are learning about his penchant for telephoning abused...

Breaking Down The Norm Coleman Family Vote On A Possible Run For Governor

Norm Coleman is just weird: "MINNEAPOLIS - Former Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman says his family voted 3-1 against him running for governor, so he will not join the race." Thanks for the final tally, Norm. Glad to know democracy...

Liveblogging The GOP’s Insane Blowout In Virginia

That's Jefferson Davis, in the picture! Nearly 150 years ago, Jefferson Davis moved to Richmond, Virginia to become the first president of a new country where slaves could still pick the cotton, and indigo. Davis' run came to an...

Palin Campaigns For McDonnell In Secret Roguish Manner, McDonnell Terrified

See what's going on above? That would be Bob McDonnell crushing the dickens out of Creigh Deeds, in Virginia. Fine, go ahead, win tomorrow, anything to get these dreadful four-per-commercial-break ads ("I will fix the roads" "No I will...

Arnold Schwarzenegger Going Through Difficult Phase

He finds that if he can just make a list of three modest things to accomplish each day, and then accomplish those things, then the day will have been a success, and he can be happy and won't have...

Rick Perry Likes To Pet People, As A Greeting

HOLY MOLY LOOK AT GOV. RICK PERRY TOUCH THIS MAN. JESUS. He's like, well sure I'll shake your hand old man, but before I do that, I'm just gonna pet your hair a lil' bit, and you're gonna have...