Tag Archives: governors

  how to impress the ladies

John Kasich Does An Excellent Parkinson’s Disease Imitation

Ohio Gov. John Kasich gave his State of the State speech this week and how did that go, The Hill? “Kasich’s speech was laced with repeated mentions of his wife, Karen Kasich, an impersonation by the governor of someone with severe Parkinson’s disorder, and a reference to Californians as ‘wackadoodles.'” Sounds like it went well. Wait… can we see that again? “Kasich’s speech was laced with repeated mentions of his wife, Karen Kasich, an impersonation by the governor of someone with severe Parkinson’s disorder, and a reference to Californians as ‘wackadoodles.'” Emphasis ours! Read more on John Kasich Does An Excellent Parkinson’s Disease Imitation…
  Profiles in Courage

Nikki Haley Tries to Empower Women While Endorsing Woman-Phobic Freak

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, (former) Tea Party fave, is trying her best to distract us from the sad and dull obviousness of her 2012 endorsement of Mitt Romney with a new Marie Claire interview just ahead of the release of her book, Can’t Is Not An Option (which really looked like Cain Is Not An Option for a second). Read more on Nikki Haley Tries to Empower Women While Endorsing Woman-Phobic Freak…
  death and carnage

Executioner Perry’s Murder Train Often Picks Up Teenagers and Disabled

It is not news that Future Sheriff-in-Chief Rick Perry enjoys murdering Mexicans, for sport. That is why Michele Bachmann is probably having a shame-based pill binge, right this very minute, while watching her already-questionable relevance get flushed further and further down the State Fair Porta-Johns. But Rick Perry knows that in order to win 2012, he can’t just kill Mexicans. There are so many other troublesome people in America that need to be injected with poison so they can go visit Rick Perry’s Jesus, for example, youths and the mentally disabled. And Rick Perry is not going to stop until he gets them all! He is already well on his way, with 234 executions overseen so far, and he is on a roll. Read more on Executioner Perry’s Murder Train Often Picks Up Teenagers and Disabled…
  hoarders

Rick Perry Has a Large Collection of Boots and ‘Medical Tests’

Every day is Christmas for Future President Cowboy Rick Perry. This is partially because that is the law down in Texas, where as much as they want to “teach Creationism” to their children, they are cursed with the burden of also including some facts about science, even though all the miniature Rick Perrys find it so boring, and wrong. ANYWAY. Every day is Christmas because Rick Perry sure does get a lot of gifts, just like the little niƱo Jesus got, in the manger. Specifically, people just love sending Rick Perry crates full of hair gel and boots. And also “medical tests,” so maybe Rick Perry also suffers from migraines, like all the most gifted Republican candidates! Read more on Rick Perry Has a Large Collection of Boots and ‘Medical Tests’…
  that's exactly where her head is

Jan Brewer Is Closely Watching the Rectums of Illegal Immigrants

We have a new candidate for America’s Next Top Mexican Sociophysiologist. America’s Governor, Jan Brewer of Arizona, said today that a “majority of the illegal trespassers that are coming into the state of Arizona” are drug mules. “There’s strong information to us that they come as illegal people wanting to come to work. Then they are accosted and they become subjects of the drug cartel,” Brewer said, having a lot of experience with this rectal stuff. Things are getting very hard for Mexicans. Soon they will not be able to dig into the United States, their only method of crossing the border, because there will be an underground electric fence. But also all of them are constantly getting drugs stuck up their butts? Read more on Jan Brewer Is Closely Watching the Rectums of Illegal Immigrants…
  meet your candidates

Alabama GOP Gubernatorial Candidate Attacked For Lack Of Jesusness

The closely monitored Alabama Republican gubernatorial primary race has taken another comical advertising turn, this one not even involving Tim James, who is in like 20th place despite being hilarious. Candidate Roy Moore is attacking fellow candidate Bradley Byrne for suggesting that evolution is something worth considering, and that the Bible is not entirely literally true. Bradley Byrne is fucked. [YouTube] Read more on Alabama GOP Gubernatorial Candidate Attacked For Lack Of Jesusness…
  meet your candidates

GOOD NEWS FOR MARYLAND! To your editor’s fellow Maryland natives, as well as current residents and people who simply care about Maryland politics for some reason: he’s ba-ack! Ex-Gov. Bobby Ehrlich — an asshole and born-again wingnut radio host — looks like he’s going to run against Gov. Martin O’Malley this year, in an Epic Rematch. Will Michael Steele be his lieutenant governor again? Probably not. He’ll have to find a new black Republican in Maryland to put on his ticket, for pandering. Good luck! [Baltimore Sun] Read more on …
  quitters

David Paterson Cannot Govern And Run For Re-Election At The Same Time

This is the best that friend-to-nice-ladies David Paterson could come up with, explaining why he decided to exit the New York governor’s race: “It has become increasingly clear to me in the last few days that I cannot run for office and try to manage the state’s business at the same time.” He has a point — can you imagine any incumbent elected official trying to run again, for the same office, while still on the job? A “re”-election campaign, we would likely call this frantic dystopian circus. HOW WOULD YOU SPLIT UP THE TIME! [YouTube] Read more on David Paterson Cannot Govern And Run For Re-Election At The Same Time…
  four less years!

DAVID PATERSON MAY PROBABLY MOST LIKELY DEFINITELY WON’T RUN FOR RE-ELECTION: New York’s yellow journalism tabloids are all claiming that David Paterson won’t run for re-election in November, now that voters are learning about his penchant for telephoning abused ladies and telling them to shut up. Farewell, blind black Eliot Spitzer person! [NYDN] Read more on …
  tough whip counts

Breaking Down The Norm Coleman Family Vote On A Possible Run For Governor

Norm Coleman is just weird: “MINNEAPOLIS – Former Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman says his family voted 3-1 against him running for governor, so he will not join the race.” Thanks for the final tally, Norm. Glad to know democracy is still practiced in some households these days, like when a father can’t make up his mind about whether to seek employment. SO WHAT’S INSIDE THESE NUMBERS? Read more on Breaking Down The Norm Coleman Family Vote On A Possible Run For Governor…
  obama's last night as president of anything

Liveblogging The GOP’s Insane Blowout In Virginia

That’s Jefferson Davis, in the picture! Nearly 150 years ago, Jefferson Davis moved to Richmond, Virginia to become the first president of a new country where slaves could still pick the cotton, and indigo. Davis’ run came to an end eight years ago, when Democrat Mark Warner stole Davis’ Richmond mansion and all of its slaves. Democrat Tim Kaine did the same to Mark Warner four years later. But now it is Republican Bob McDonnell’s turn to take the mansion and slaves back from the liberals, the end. Polls close in a few minutes! Wolf Blitzer says he is “so excited,” oh ho ho… Read more on Liveblogging The GOP’s Insane Blowout In Virginia…
  2009 election eve

Palin Campaigns For McDonnell In Secret Roguish Manner, McDonnell Terrified

See what’s going on above? That would be Bob McDonnell crushing the dickens out of Creigh Deeds, in Virginia. Fine, go ahead, win tomorrow, anything to get these dreadful four-per-commercial-break ads (“I will fix the roads” “No I will fix the roads” “You hate women” “I will fix the women and roads,” etc. ) off the air. And how has McDonnell built up such a lead? By not accepting any of Sarah Palin’s offers to campaign with him, for one! This will not stop egomaniacal Sarah Palin from secretly campaigning for McDonnell through a third party, however. Just Sarah bein’ Sarah! Read more on Palin Campaigns For McDonnell In Secret Roguish Manner, McDonnell Terrified…
  very precious

Arnold Schwarzenegger Going Through Difficult Phase

He finds that if he can just make a list of three modest things to accomplish each day, and then accomplish those things, then the day will have been a success, and he can be happy and won’t have to drink so much at night. [Twitter/Arnold Schwarzenegger via SFist] Read more on Arnold Schwarzenegger Going Through Difficult Phase…
  epic footage

Rick Perry Likes To Pet People, As A Greeting

HOLY MOLY LOOK AT GOV. RICK PERRY TOUCH THIS MAN. JESUS. He’s like, well sure I’ll shake your hand old man, but before I do that, I’m just gonna pet your hair a lil’ bit, and you’re gonna have to deal with that. Ha ha ha! This is still so good, even on the 42nd watch. And it’s not a one-off thing, either: this is simply how Rick Perry greets other humans. Read more on Rick Perry Likes To Pet People, As A Greeting…
  campaign ads

Corzine Ad: Don’t Vote For My Super-Duper Fat Fatty McFatfat Opponent

Oh, how we are looking forward to the midterm elections! They’re the most fun: dozens of close races where we couldn’t care less about who wins, each defined by some hilarious racist remark or decades-old hotel affair or nutty family member. OR — as is the case in this rare 2009 election, for New Jersey governor — weight. “Political experts” monitoring the race between Jon Corzine and Republican Chris Christie have been wondering for a while now whether Christie’s campaign will sink under his massive massive super-fat insanely obese body. The Fats have rarely done well in elections — it’s true! — at least in the modern era, when male fatness stopped being a symbol of wealth and power and Land. So, is Corzine playing the “fat card” against his fat opponent, in his new ad? Read more on Corzine Ad: Don’t Vote For My Super-Duper Fat Fatty McFatfat Opponent…
  elephant butt

Bill Richardson & Pals Smash Into Docked Boat, Flee

More wacky late-summer tales, just for you! This one involves New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, the one with the resume, and the corruption. His life has very little purpose right now. That’s a good thing! The man deserves a break from his prison of Ambition, a passion that has kept him busy in hundreds of semi-important government jobs over the years. Now he has time to dance! He also has time to flee boat crashes — you know, like when the boat he’s on demolishes another boat, and destroys a marina in general, and then he and his buddies just pop off and never tell anyone. This is something Bill Richardson has time to do now! Read more on Bill Richardson & Pals Smash Into Docked Boat, Flee…