True fact: Texas has had the same governor since the 1970s, when a man with a thickly feathered coif captured the hearts of many Texan ladies and cowboys. His name was Rick Perry, and he decided to keep running for governor every four years because voters were too dumb and lazy to ever notice that the ballot didn’t change. MORE »

We feel a bit sorry for treefucker Mark Sanford’s communications department, like this harried spokesperson Joel Sawyer, who probably knows only these facts: Sanford grabbed a pair of keys at some point Thursday, told everyone in the office, “Enjoy working, losers, I’ll be back in a week or whenever,” smacked the secretary’s ass on his way out, and that’s it. Give JOEL SAWYER a raise, of money! He now claims that his office spoke this morning to Sanford, who was confused as to why anyone would care if he abdicated his state executive job for a week to go into the Forests, alone, beyond all contact. Sawyer said Sanford “plans” on returning to work tomorrow morning. MORE »

Little-known fact: Virginia gubernatorial candidate and beloved Clinton pimp Terry McAuliffe spent the first half of 2008 dancing around Hillary Clinton like a court jester on meth, going on morning talk shows and doing shots of rum and laughing right along with his hosts about how wink wink Hillary was totally going to be president, even though not enough people voted for her in the primaries. He was the most underminey best friend in the WORLD. MORE »

There is a special rule in politics: only Republicans can be actors (Reagan, Schwarzenegger, Thompson). Republican actors are “serious,” whereas the Democrats are just a bunch of hippie slobs who want to make North Korea our 51st state. That is why Val Kilmer cannot run for governor of New Mexico. MORE »

Just a few short years ago, candidates for political office announced they were getting in the race by doing something civilized like standing outside and making a speech, to live humans. Now you just announce it on the vulgar “Twatter” service employed by narcissists, creepy old men, and highly accomplished [Note: Beautiful young "Meg McCabe" took down her insane Twitter rant about her accomplishments, dammit. --Ed.] authoresses. [GavinNewsom.com]

Here’s former eBay CEO (and make-believe founder) Meg Whitman, the less terrible of John McCain’s two campaign CEO Henchwomen, announcing her run for California governor in 2010, on the YouTube! Ha she is so rich — she BOUGHT PRINCETON or something recently — so maybe she will win. But the choice of what appears to be a tank top — probably made of something expensive, of course… enriched uranium? — just reeks of New Money. Hey Meg, if you love the Internet so much, why don’t you go buy some sleeves. From a retail website. Yeah. (VOTE 4 GARY ‘N’ NORM “COLEMAN/COLEMAN” TICKET 2010$$) [YouTube]

Terry McAuliffe, the famous American statesman who helped Hillary Clinton win the presidency by bravely volunteering to do shots of rum on live television very early in the morning, deserves whatever office he decides to run for. He has offered to bestow his gubernatorial blessing on the great state of Virginia, a place he has apparently lived for many years (?!), but first he must VANQUISH several rivals in the Democratic primary. MORE »

Just nine and a half months ago, everybody loved David Paterson for being everything that Eliot Spitzer was not. Instead of a terse, sanctimonious Captain America who kept his socks on when he furtively humped hookers, Paterson was an affable, self-deprecating, pleasant gentleman who managed to persuade a woman who was not his wife to have sex with him for free. Also he was sort of America’s first blind governor, which was cute. MORE »

Former DNC Chair Terry McAuliffe loved Hillary Clinton so much that when she was obviously and definitively losing in her bid for President, he helpfully appeared on many television news shows drinking rum and cracking wise about how she was a shoe-in, she’d win this thing in a walk, blah blah blah. Basically Terry McAuliffe turned Hillary’s tragic downward spiral into a punchline for larfs on MSNBC. Now he will turn that same brand of trenchant political humor on himself as he launches his doomed bid for governor of the great state of Virginia, in which he has apparently lived for many years. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Let’s just get it out there: Rod “Blago” Blagojevich has awesome hair. Sure, it may be a sign of some crippling psychological disorder, but it’s a symbol of Rod “The Blag Man” Blagojevich’s virility and stature, and we all have to respect it. Rod “Blagger Of The Year” Blagojevich dreamed of bringing his hair onto the national stage someday so that all of America could enjoy it. And that fond wish of his has now been fulfilled, though he probably had hopes that it would appear on front pages across America in photographs, not courtroom drawings. MORE »

He might be a young, callow religious nutball with an unhealthy testicle fixation, but Bobby Jindal is not dumb! This spring when everybody was cold speculatin’ about whether he’d be selected for Republican Vice Presidential nominee, Bobby Jindal was busy slowly backing away from the tragic band of idiots known as the McCain campaign. MORE »