Wonkette

* Heard on the Hill: Rep. Mike Thompson performed the Heimlich on some woman at Charlie Palmer’s… Rep. Sam Farr’s office named their platypus “Pingo.” … House Dems send out an email mixing up the countries of Pat Tillman’s death and Jessica Lynch’s capture. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: People are protesting some Food Network lady at the Smithsonian for some reason. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Mike Bloomberg might go to his own party… Bob Schieffer still confusing us a great deal by pretending to be a country singer. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: Night before the WHCA dinner: People party and some celebrity poker thing… Urbana at Hotel Palomar to offer “organic wine,” give proceeds to some charity… John McCain: “I’m a happy loser.” [Politico]
* The Sleuth: Mitt Romney the only candidate to not mention the VTech shootings on his website. [WP]

* Heard on the Hill: Tom Coburn likes to brag about how many babies he’s delivered, but his communications director helped deliver one last Monday, put that in your pipe and smoke it, Tom… Dennis Hastert campaign disclosures disclose a hearty love of food. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: The Ambassador from Hungary got a phone call from space! [WP]
* Under the Dome: Hugh Hefner donated $2,300 to Hillary… Rep. Mark Souder had jury duty… Ted Stevens is the longest-serving Republican senator. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Ted also got a cake! … Norah O’Donnell is pregnant, had a fancy party at the Kuwaiti embassy… Dick Cheney is not talking to Scooter Libby, is going to smash Bob Sheiffer’s puny head with his bare hands. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: Dennis Kucinich is going to personally impeach Dick Cheney. [WP]

* Heard on the Hill: Tax cheat testifies before the Senate in prison jumpsuit, borrowed jacket… Chuck Schumer has a coughing fit watching Harry Reid talk to NPR… Trent Lott: never would’ve gone on Imus’ show… Howie Mandel is coming to the Hill to talk about his terrible fear of germs. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Candidates have kids! [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Larry King: “I’ve never understood what softball means.” Oh, and what the hell: “When he interviews Kermit the Frog, King actually believes he’s talking to a frog.” … Alec Baldwin is not a vegan… George Michael took John Lennon’s piano to Ford’s Theater, where Abraham Lincoln was shot. He was v v high when he came up with this idea… John Cusack will be at the WHCA dinner. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: The Justice Department’s copy machine broke. Then their car got a flat. [WP]
* Washington Whispers: Gen. George Casey to Martha Raddatz: “Terrific job on the book … especially for a girl!” … Election 2008 will cost $5 billion… Zbigniew Brzezinski is a little concerned about our secret war with Iran… Bob Gates hates the barbecue in DC. [USN&WR]

* Reliable Source: The Smithsonian wants Christopher Reeves’ wheelchair… Best lede in Reliable Source history: “What started as a heartwarming Easter tale of federal employees interacting with urban wildlife has devolved into a grotesque and tragic nightmare.” [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: GWU students are not happy about their commencement this year… Army Chief of Staff Peter Schoomaker: Not dead… Navy SEALs continue to occupy the Mall. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: Who better to defend Don Imus against charges of racism and sexism than Matt Mackowiak, former flack for racist and sexist ex-Senator Conrad Burns? [WP]

* Heard on the Hill: Kyle Sampson and John Ashcroft had a very romantic date at a Wizards game… U.S. Chamber of Commerce accidentally told every single member of Congress that they won a “prestigious award.” … Duncan Hunter’s FEC filing is for a committee called “Hunter for Prseident Inc.” [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Some billionaire is parking his yacht here. Go paint “fuck the Pope” on it… Cute duck video is very cute. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Grover Norquist’s breakfast meeting now has a BAGEL TOWER! … More b-list celebs will attend the WHCA dinner… Sen. Tom Carper, D-Del has some insane medieval splint on his leg. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: Charlie Rangel’s book party was apparently a good time… Navy SEALS taking over the Mall, martial law to continue as planned… Blogger Jessica Cutler reviews Chris Buckley book about a blogger, following Buckley’s review of a book by blogger Ana Marie Cox. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: Some people are defending Imus, some aren’t… Amy Klobuchar and Sherrod Brown are in a tight race to win the Senate’s coveted Nerd Award. [WP]

* Heard on the Hill: William Jefferson Judiciary committee New Orleans Katrina crime meeting irony etc etc etc… John Kerry and Newt Gingrich have a lot in common! … Duncan Hunter’s communications director is some pal who owns a restaurant. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Eleanor Clift: “the lady with the sinkhole” … Obama claims to have quit smoking. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: CNN’s bringing Larry David and his crazy hippie wife to the WHCA dinner… John Kerry: at least he’s more popular than Newt Gingrich. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Jim Moran is getting an award for loving animals… Fred Thompson can’t run until he buys his web domain name… $100 Cynthia McKinney t-shirts on sale now! [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Congresspeople to participate in disgusting act of violence against humor, satire, theater… [Politico]

* Heard on the Hill: There is an amusing Mark Foley profile on JDate… Button sales indicate a landslide for Obama… Alberto Gonzales goes to movies! [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Woodward’s Mark Felt meeting notes released by the U of Texas. Hi, Novak! You’re still a scumbag! … You can’t keep Bill Frist away from the zoo, it’s kinda weird. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Laura Bush read a kids book about Clinton, except Clinton is a duck, or something… John Sweeney: Everyone’s wife accuses them of domestic abuse every now and then! … Mitt Romney apparently not a fan of a movie about murderous Mormons. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: ABC got the DC Madam’s list… Reporters upset at having to cover so many candidates, plan on voting for the one with the best summer home… Sheryl Crow to be at the National Cathedral on Texas State Day… Strathmore gala the same night as the WHCA dinner! [Politico]
* Page Six: Bill Clinton to attend fundraiser held by two partners in Ken Starr’s firm. [NYP]

* Heard on the Hill: Times Magazine runs a picture of Obama and David Axelrod together in Obama’s Senate office, in possible violation of election law… Capitol Police fail to rescue injured squirrels. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Some celebrities are taller than you’d expect, and vice versa. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Tom Tancredo is against sending some tv person to a Mexican prison… Get ready for the DC “Commission on Fashion Arts and Events,” to celebrate the worst-dressed town on the eastern seaboard! … Kerry loses to Bush in car chase… Hillary apparently only person in Washington not willing to make nice with unfunny old jackass Don Imus. [Examiner]
* Inside the Beltway: WALNUTS! needs to grow a goatee to complete his gradual transition into an evil totalitarian film villain. [WT]
* The Sleuth: Now you are allowed to sympathize with Elizabeth Edwards without giving her husband money. [WP]
* Washington Whispers: Newt Gingrich now a tree-hugging hippie… Chuck Hagel has a book coming out about how he’s maybe running for president maybe. [USN&WR]

• Reliable Source: Wyoming’s official easter egg for the White House Easter party was painted by come college kid from Illinois, also the best egg ever… How to get out of jury duty: be famous. [WP]

• Yeas and Nays: The Stooges hung out with some Republicans at a hotel bar… Bob Schieffer has lost his mind, is now in a country band… Comptroller General David Walker hasn’t done his taxes yet. [Examiner]
• Rush & Molloy: The Clintons will be chilling with Oscar de la Renta in the Dominican Republic. [NYDN]

* Reliable Source: Edwards campaign forcing candidates children to skip school, perform like trained seals throughout Iowa… It’s a boy for Mary Cheney! … Uh… something about ducks? [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Jimmy Carter: No opinion on “low-rider” pants. Though he secretly thinks they’re Israel’s fault… Rep. Yvette Clarke only member of NY delegation not to endorse Hillary. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: The Sam Fox recess appointment might be illegal or something. [WP]