Creepy Italian sausage SILVIO “JUST CALL ME PAPI” BERLUSCONI cherishes his privacy. Sì, Berlusconi needs his special alone time, so he can mount meter maids and plow the dickens out of teenage models in peace. But why won’t the evil ITALIAN MEDIA respect Berlusconi’s privacy? Surely they will all be excommunicated after ruining his daughter’s birthday celebration, and also, Berlusconi’s chances of scoring with his daughter’s extremely young friends. Vaffunculo! Italy: spay this man before HANS BLIX is required to, under international law. Snipity snip snip! … MORE »

Mensa spokesman STEPHEN HAWKING, who would have been murdered with Zyklon B if he lived in the UK, was spotted lunching in DC with a group of EIGHT OTHER PEOPLE — one of whom was sporting an “American flag tank top.” Was Stephen enjoying a leisurely snack with the children of CAMP HAWKING, where campers hike, sing songs, finger paint, and theorize about quantum gravity and black holes? Or has Mr. Hawking befriended THE PRODIGY, who made the American flag tank top/shirt famous forever? … MORE »

Professor of Hispanic Studies NEWT GINGRICH — known in academia for his celebrated dissertation on RACIALISM — has taken on new intellectual pursuits, namely: comparing stuff, like JIMMY CARTER and BARACK OBAMA. “There are certain parallels that are kind of eerie,” says Professor Gingrich. “For example, Jimmy Carter enjoys half and half in his coffee, but Barack Obama is half and half! Jimmy Carter only served one term. And maybe Barack Obama will only serve one term, if I keep comparing him to Jimmy Carter” … MORE »

Harlem Globegringo WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON stopped by Z Burger in Tenleytown to pick up a light snack. And what did he order? “A double burger, onion rings, french fries, an apple pie milkshake,” a piece of chocolate cake, ice cream, a pickle, Swiss cheese, some salami, a lollipop, a slice of cherry pie, a sausage, a cupcake, a watermelon and a gigantic green leaf. Then he spun himself a GREASY, DEEP-FRIED COCOON and hours later, voilà! BILL THE BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY … MORE »

Meghan McCain Twitter-biographer MEGHAN McCAIN has special maternal feelings for sexy senator LINDSEY GRAHAM (R-SC), who served with distinction as First Mate aboard the Straight Talk Express. The two were practically inseparable on the campaign trail, and during long cold nights, Lindsey would often sit on Meghan’s WARM LAP as she French-braided his GOLDEN TOUPEE. But now Meghan’s Little Lindsey-Lamb has received volleys of disrespect from conservatives for saying he might “vote Yea for WISE SOTOMAYOR-AY!” Are these smack-talkers prepared to duel Meghan, on Twitter, using TRADITIONAL FLINTLOCK BLACKBERRY MACHINES? Because that is the price they must pay, for dishonoring Lindsey Graham so thoroughly …. MORE »

Yesterday Your Diligent Gossip Monger spent literally hours at the CAMPUS PROGRESS NATIONAL CONFERENCE, which was held at a terrible MINOTAUR-INFESTED LABYRINTH known as the Omni Shorem Hotel. 1,400 young communists came from all corners of the Soviet Union to discuss Obama’s FIVE-YEAR PLAN and to hear HOT CELEBRITIES talk about HIP-HOP and AK47s. Too many stories, so many scandalous photographs! … MORE »

For years now, various people have been begging to take photographs of Arizona’s State Flower MEGHAN McCAIN posing in her girdle. Well now there’s encouraging news for horticulture enthusiasts around the globe! Meghan says she’d totally do it, except poor PAPA JOHN would probably crash another plane into VIETNAM, if he ever found out. MORE »

Our dear friend ERIC KLEEFELD from Talking Points Memo recently wrote a provocative comic-book review, complete with professional-grade scans! Well guess what Eric? SOMEONE ELSE received a complimentary copy of False Witness: The Michele Bachmann Story, and you’re not the only one who got a fancy Epson scanner for Yom Kippur from JOSH MARSHALL …. MORE »

Renaissance Man PAUL WOLFOWITZ was spotted with a hot date last Friday at the Studio Theater. Sources say they overheard Wolfowitz telling his female friend what a marvelous time he was having and how it reminded him of the time he saw Moonstruck with SUHARTO while serving as Ambassador to Indonesia and how after the movie they got sushi together and talked about boy stuff …. MORE »

YOURS TRULY was enjoying a noontime visit to DC’s famous HOLOCAUST MUSEUM with a friend today, only to leave at 12:40 to quench the thirst with a smoothie from TANGYSWEET — just moments before a WHITE SUPREMACIST ANTI-SEMITE started a gun battle with museum security guards! And now a hero security guard has died, protecting museum-goers from a MARYLAND MONSTER. Why didn’t the NAZI die? Where’s the justice? MORE »

Meet our new Washington Society Gossip, Intern Riley! DC will sparkle like never before!

Nutty congresslady VIRGINIA FOXX (R-NC) says Matthew Shepard’s murder was a “hoax,” and then she said “tar baby” on the House floor, and now her staff is broadcasting its drunken office parties “on taxpayer time.” Thanks for the laughs, Virginia …. MORE »