Tag Archives: gordon klingenschmitt

  Signs And Blunders

Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole

You might remember the horrific story about Michelle Wilkins, the pregnant woman in Longmont, Colorado, who was attacked by a deranged woman with a knife, who stabbed her, removed her 7-month-old fetus in an amateur C-section, and then was arrested when she brought the dead fetus to a hospital, claiming she’d miscarried. It was a horrible crime, but to Colorado wingnut preacher, actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives, and alleged human being Gordon Klingenschmitt, it was a pretty obvious sign that God has cursed America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole…
 

Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!

This whole story is just...ick
You sort of have to admire the mind of Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, the Colorado Internet preacher who somehow got elected to the state House. No matter what horrible thing happens, Klingenschmitt finds a way to attribute it to either demons, God’s anger over abortion and/or The Gays, or some combination thereof. Which explains how he managed to take the news of a horrific attack on a pregnant Colorado woman and explain that it’s just God’s wrath on America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!…
  He May Not Have Thought This One Through

Murder Of 3 Muslims Was Hate Crime Against Christians, Says Nutbag Christian

Retroactive Christians
Never one to miss the chance to make a tragedy just a little more awful, Colorado wingnut preacher/state legislator Gordon “Disgraced former chaplain ‘Dr. Chaps'” Klingenschmitt has decided that the terrible murder of three Muslim students in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, proves that Christians are in mortal danger in U.S. America. Read more on Murder Of 3 Muslims Was Hate Crime Against Christians, Says Nutbag Christian…
  A Tale of Woe and Christian Oppression

Anti-Gay Man Wants Gay Dudes All Over His Cake, But Not in a Gay Way

As a mommyblog dedicated to Strong Christian Principles® and Also Booze, your Wonkette feels it is our duty to inform you that it has not been easy being a Christian in America as of late. The Homosexual Intifada bears down on the poor oppressed majority, denying Christians even the basic right to have every single thing they want, all the time, forever. Read more on Anti-Gay Man Wants Gay Dudes All Over His Cake, But Not in a Gay Way…
  Exorcise the Law Demons

Totally Sane Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt To Do Something Very Sane, We Bet

This man's candidacy will be a load of fun
Oh boy, Doctor Chaps is back! We’ve so missed his weekly declarations of demonic possession now that he got a big boy job in the Colorado legislature. You might remember the self-proclaimed Doctor Chaps (his words!) as the teevee preacher man who believes that Barack Obama is literally possessed by demons. Like literally literally. As in demonic possession was literally this guy’s dissertation. Read more on Totally Sane Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt To Do Something Very Sane, We Bet…
  outstanding achievements in shitmuffinry

Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!

It’s that time of year again, Wonketeers! We’re gathering nominations for our coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Competition for 2014 honors in both national and state divisions has been fierce and we want to be sure we don’t overlook any worthy nominees, particularly among those who ply their trade in the state capitol buildings across our great nation. Read more on Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rachel Hearts Gordon ‘Demon Slayer’ Klingenschmitt (Video)

Let the heeling begin
On Friday’s Rachel Maddow Show, we learned that Rachel, too, is just as susceptible as we are to the charms of Colorado internet preacher — and newly elected member of the Colorado House — Gordon Klingenschimitt, who likes to exorcise Barack Obama, calling on God to drive out the “demon of tyranny who is using the White House occupant.” Read more on Morning Maddow: Rachel Hearts Gordon ‘Demon Slayer’ Klingenschmitt (Video)…
  Every Single One Of Us The Devil Inside

Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
Yr Wonkette would just like to know: is there somewhere we can subscribe to a 24/7 video stream of the Colorado House of Representatives when it starts its next session? Because one of our favorite crazies, disgraced former Navy chaplain and nutso webcast preacher Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt won election to the District 15 seat by a whopping 40-point margin over some sane Democrat lady. Mr. Klingenschmitt is a truly epic figure — he was court-martialed and kicked out of the Navy in 2011 for wearing his uniform at a White House protest, which gave him just the right “oppressed Christian” cred to become a national hero to wingnuts. At every opportunity, he explains that literal demons are at work in people he disagrees with, from The Gays to Barack Obama to public school teachers, and probably cable installers who don’t show up on time, because Satan and his Army of Darkness are everywhere. Read more on Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House…
  good morning good morning good morning to you

GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?

Oh, sorry, we forgot to use our Suicide Hangover voice for you, our beloved wonker, who is now dead from suicide and also booze. How was your night last night? Was it full of your suicide? That’s too bad. We will wait until your comrade Mojopo wakes from her suicide hangover, and see if she has any suicide hangover remedies for you. (For what it’s worth, she kept — presumably drunkenly — posting pictures of shit sandwiches in the secret chatcave last night, and we did not let her post them at you. You’re welcome!) Read more on GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?…
  Fire Water Burn

Completely Sane Colorado Republican Explains Fracking Perfectly Fine, Since Water Has Always Caught Fire

Frack you and frack your whole aquifer
Colorado state Senator Randy Baumgardner and his epic Mustache of Justice may have failed in their quest to unseat U.S. Sen. Mark Udall — as it turns out, Baumgardner didn’t even qualify for the primary — but that doesn’t mean that the man and the mustache have any intention of letting liberals run rampant with their fakey stories about fracking being bad for children or other living things. In fact, he told Wonkette’s favorite disgraced former chaplain Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, there is nothing unusual about tapwater smelling like an oil well or catching on fire, because according to Science Facts that he happens to know real good, it’s all perfectly natural. Read more on Completely Sane Colorado Republican Explains Fracking Perfectly Fine, Since Water Has Always Caught Fire…
  get thee behind me stupid

Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism

Ever since John Jacob Gordon Klingenschmitt won his primary for a state legislative seat in Colorado, we’ve been expecting big things from old Chaps, which is one hell of a nickname for a straight man. We should have known that it wouldn’t be long before a man who is so very preoccupied by demonic possession would find a way to get back onto our virtual pages. If you need a quick refresher course, Klingenschmitt is certain that most things — gays, animals, Disney films — are possessed by demons. So it was pretty much required that he’d have to conclude that atheists were also too possessed by demons, and the only cure for the demons is more exorcisin’. Read more on Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism…
  we left out utah and no one will notice

Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!

Thanks to Snipy staying up late so we could post the results of the one election yesterday that everyone was following (Mississippi: the Old Guy won, the other asshole lost), we are left with tidying up the electoral crumbs from around our great nation. Of course, Chris McDaniel is still making grumpy whining noises about recounts and “the integrity of the vote” and such, so he hasn’t exactly conceded to the critter-fiddler. Or to reality. Now, on to the other primaries of note! Read more on Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!…
  ev'ry single one of us has a devil inside

Colorado’s Greatest Demon-Fighter, Gordon Klingenschmitt, Wins Primary For State House

We were just typing along on our midterm election roundup, looking up percentages for the Colorado primaries, when we found a result in a race we had almost forgotten about. All you connoisseurs of crazy will be delighted to know that disgraced former chaplain and radio preacherman Gordon “Chaps” Klingenschmitt, who thinks pretty much everything he dislikes (Gays, Barack Obama — same diff — and Al Franken) is caused by very literal demons, won his primary for a seat in the Colorado Legislature. We’d been very excited about that prospect ever since he threw his tinfoil hat in the ring. Read more on Colorado’s Greatest Demon-Fighter, Gordon Klingenschmitt, Wins Primary For State House…
  school daze

Demon-Obsessed Preacher Will Protect You From Al Franken’s Pedophile Rampage

Gordon Klingenschmitt! We love this guy! He’s the demon-obsessed ex-Navy chaplain who is also too obsessed with the gays because — you guessed it — the gays are all chock full of demons. Now Klingenschmitt has reared his weird head again to warn us about how Senator Al Franken (D-Awesome) is going to pedophile up all your schools, probably because of demons. Klingenschmitt tipped the unlucky recipients of his mailing list off to this totally realistic fear by sending them an almost pathologically repetitive email about it. Seriously, it’s like a rosary of fear and lies. Read more on Demon-Obsessed Preacher Will Protect You From Al Franken’s Pedophile Rampage…
  he's no michele bachmann but he'll do

Rejoice, Wonkers! Demon-Obsessed Preacher Guy Gordon ‘Dr. Chaps’ Klingenschmitt Running For Colorado Legislature

In what we can only interpret as a personal gift to Yr Wonkette, former Navy chaplain Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt announced Tuesday that he’s running for the Colorado House. Strangely, his announcement video didn’t mention his favorite explanation for how the world works: Demons. He has diagnosed Barack Obama as possessed by the hell-spawned spirits, and also explained that demons are responsible for making animals gay. He also believes Obamacare causes cancer and is open to the idea that civil unions are an exercise in mind control. In other words, he is the ideal Wonkette candidate for office. Read more on Rejoice, Wonkers! Demon-Obsessed Preacher Guy Gordon ‘Dr. Chaps’ Klingenschmitt Running For Colorado Legislature…
  straight cash only

Sad Old Navy Preacher Has Cunning Plan To Protect Innocent Wedding Photographers From The Gays

We started this post about our favorite Jesus-freak-ex-Navy-chaplain-angerbear Gordon James “Chaps” Klingenschmitt an hour ago, but then we ended up in a Google hole reminding ourselves of what an impressive track record of nuttery the man has. His demon and gay and DemonGay obsessions really know no bounds. Is he mad about the gays again today? YEP HE SURE IS! Today, some overwrought advice on how to protect your wedding photography business from all the homosexuals that are getting hitched: Read more on Sad Old Navy Preacher Has Cunning Plan To Protect Innocent Wedding Photographers From The Gays…
  just wait until his head rotates completely around

Third-Rate Teevee Preacher Tells All: Obama Is Possessed By Demons And That’s Why We Have The NSA

Hey ‘Merica! We’ve certainly had some complex conversations about surveillance lately. Go us! USA! USA! We’ve discussed whether Bamz has betrayed progressives, whether we want to make sweet sweet love to travelin’ man Edward Snowden, (though not if we are dudes because Russia frowns on the gay sexing), or whether we feel like meh, someone is always watching us so suck it up, princess. Fuck all that. Fuck your complex discussions and your deep thinking and all your secular nonsense. The real thing you need to be considering is how all of this searchin’, seizin’, and surveillin’ is because Obama is possessed by demons: Read more on Third-Rate Teevee Preacher Tells All: Obama Is Possessed By Demons And That’s Why We Have The NSA…
  also 'the jews'

Wingnuts Can’t Even Agree On Best Way To Hate Fags Anymore

As we at Wonkette are obviously a pro-family, conservative Christian news establishment, we long for the days when Americans of all stripes could come together to show our mutual disdain for the Homosexican Agenda, but now that ‘Murka has gone and voted for the black guy again, our coalition is broken and fractured, to the point that we cannot even agree on the best way to hate the gayness. Marry, fuck, kill? Marry, fuck, kill?! Wait, that is a different game. Here, the argument is “Should we just kill them, or should we try to perform exorcisms on them first?” The wonderful and dashing David Pakman decided to devote a segment of his radio programme to allowing wingnuts to duke it out on this very question the other day. In one corner, we have former Navy Chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt, who lyingly lies that he was kicked out of the Navy for praying to Jesus in public, and who believes that animals become gay when human gays put Lady GaGa demons in their butts, so he’s obviously arguing for the Bobby Jindal approach to this whole problem. On the other side is Jonathan Phelps, of the Westboro Phelpses, who has slightly less shame and supports a much more Ugandan solution to gayness. Read more on Wingnuts Can’t Even Agree On Best Way To Hate Fags Anymore…
  (not) in the navy

Why Won’t The Navy Let This Former Chaplain Explain: Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay

Why did the Navy can this dude, er, Gordon J. Klingenschmitt, just for praying in Jesus’s name? (Oh right, because it didn’t.) But that has not stopped Gordon J. Klingenschmitt from having some opinions on the persecution of Christians by the government because Barack Nobama “blame[d] Jesus Christ” for his endorsement of homosexual marriage by invoking the Golden Rule, and also that animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them, like when Jesus cast an evil spirit into some pigs. Hello, it is called science, why don’t you look it up! RawStory has the raw story on dude just laying down the cold homo FACTS. Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), for starters, turn people who were born straight into icky queers. This is when you perform gay and lesbian exorcisms, obviously. Except that then the gay goes into the animals, and that is why 4000 species do gay stuff to each other. Read more on Why Won’t The Navy Let This Former Chaplain Explain: Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay…