Tag Archives: gordon klingenschmitt

  Still Frothy After All These Years

Rick Santorum Takes Victory Lap Now That Supreme Court Allows Man-Dog Marriages

She's happy to be his bitch
Walking Google joke Rick Santorum took a weird victory lap in Colorado last month when the Supreme Court crammed marriage equality down America’s throat, explaining that he had been totally right in 2003 when he predicted that striking down sodomy laws would eventually destroy every family ever and legitimize man on dog relationships. Read more on Rick Santorum Takes Victory Lap Now That Supreme Court Allows Man-Dog Marriages…
  This will be just great

Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Colorado state Rep. Gordon “disgraced former Navy chaplain” Klingenschmitt, who is one of yr Wonkette’s favorites, has been in the Colorado House for a whole five minutes or so, and in that time he’s made a mark! Most recently, he was in the news because he went on his Funtime Afternoon Jesus Video Program and said that a truly gruesome attack on a pregnant woman happened because God hates ‘bortion so much, so he, in his infinite omniscient wisdom, sure showed that bitch! Read more on Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate…
  make yourself a nice bloody mary and sit with us

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!

Hola, Wonkerados! How is your Easter Sunday going? Ours is very nice! Won’t you sit and have some internet brunch with us, so we can reminisce about all the lovely things that happened during the week? It wasn’t all Indiana and gays and religious freedom! (Er, actually a lot of it was, but other things also happened, according to our admittedly hazy memory.) Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!…
  Pour One Out For 'Dr. Chaps'

CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
In yet another example of the persecution of Bible-believing Christians in America, wingnut Internet preacher and actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives Gordon Klingenschmitt has been stripped of his membership on a House committee because even his fellow Republicans are finally fed up and disgusted by him. Read more on CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk…
  Signs And Blunders

Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole

You might remember the horrific story about Michelle Wilkins, the pregnant woman in Longmont, Colorado, who was attacked by a deranged woman with a knife, who stabbed her, removed her 7-month-old fetus in an amateur C-section, and then was arrested when she brought the dead fetus to a hospital, claiming she’d miscarried. It was a horrible crime, but to Colorado wingnut preacher, actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives, and alleged human being Gordon Klingenschmitt, it was a pretty obvious sign that God has cursed America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole…
  This One's Crazy Even For Klingenschmitt

Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!

This whole story is just...ick
You sort of have to admire the mind of Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, the Colorado Internet preacher who somehow got elected to the state House. No matter what horrible thing happens, Klingenschmitt finds a way to attribute it to either demons, God’s anger over abortion and/or The Gays, or some combination thereof. Which explains how he managed to take the news of a horrific attack on a pregnant Colorado woman and explain that it’s just God’s wrath on America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!…
  He May Not Have Thought This One Through

Murder Of 3 Muslims Was Hate Crime Against Christians, Says Nutbag Christian

Retroactive Christians
Never one to miss the chance to make a tragedy just a little more awful, Colorado wingnut preacher/state legislator Gordon “Disgraced former chaplain ‘Dr. Chaps'” Klingenschmitt has decided that the terrible murder of three Muslim students in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, proves that Christians are in mortal danger in U.S. America. Read more on Murder Of 3 Muslims Was Hate Crime Against Christians, Says Nutbag Christian…
  A Tale of Woe and Christian Oppression

Anti-Gay Man Wants Gay Dudes All Over His Cake, But Not in a Gay Way

As a mommyblog dedicated to Strong Christian Principles® and Also Booze, your Wonkette feels it is our duty to inform you that it has not been easy being a Christian in America as of late. The Homosexual Intifada bears down on the poor oppressed majority, denying Christians even the basic right to have every single thing they want, all the time, forever. Read more on Anti-Gay Man Wants Gay Dudes All Over His Cake, But Not in a Gay Way…
  Exorcise the Law Demons

Totally Sane Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt To Do Something Very Sane, We Bet

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Oh boy, Doctor Chaps is back! We’ve so missed his weekly declarations of demonic possession now that he got a big boy job in the Colorado legislature. You might remember the self-proclaimed Doctor Chaps (his words!) as the teevee preacher man who believes that Barack Obama is literally possessed by demons. Like literally literally. As in demonic possession was literally this guy’s dissertation. Read more on Totally Sane Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt To Do Something Very Sane, We Bet…
  outstanding achievements in shitmuffinry

Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!

It’s that time of year again, Wonketeers! We’re gathering nominations for our coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. Competition for 2014 honors in both national and state divisions has been fierce and we want to be sure we don’t overlook any worthy nominees, particularly among those who ply their trade in the state capitol buildings across our great nation. Read more on Nominate Your Terrible Local Lawmakers for Legislative Sh*tmuffin of the Year!…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Rachel Hearts Gordon ‘Demon Slayer’ Klingenschmitt (Video)

Let the heeling begin
On Friday’s Rachel Maddow Show, we learned that Rachel, too, is just as susceptible as we are to the charms of Colorado internet preacher — and newly elected member of the Colorado House — Gordon Klingenschimitt, who likes to exorcise Barack Obama, calling on God to drive out the “demon of tyranny who is using the White House occupant.” Read more on Morning Maddow: Rachel Hearts Gordon ‘Demon Slayer’ Klingenschmitt (Video)…
  Every Single One Of Us The Devil Inside

Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
Yr Wonkette would just like to know: is there somewhere we can subscribe to a 24/7 video stream of the Colorado House of Representatives when it starts its next session? Because one of our favorite crazies, disgraced former Navy chaplain and nutso webcast preacher Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt won election to the District 15 seat by a whopping 40-point margin over some sane Democrat lady. Mr. Klingenschmitt is a truly epic figure — he was court-martialed and kicked out of the Navy in 2011 for wearing his uniform at a White House protest, which gave him just the right “oppressed Christian” cred to become a national hero to wingnuts. At every opportunity, he explains that literal demons are at work in people he disagrees with, from The Gays to Barack Obama to public school teachers, and probably cable installers who don’t show up on time, because Satan and his Army of Darkness are everywhere. Read more on Gordon Klingenschmitt To Slay All The (Literal) Demons In The Colorado House…
  good morning good morning good morning to you

GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?

Oh, sorry, we forgot to use our Suicide Hangover voice for you, our beloved wonker, who is now dead from suicide and also booze. How was your night last night? Was it full of your suicide? That’s too bad. We will wait until your comrade Mojopo wakes from her suicide hangover, and see if she has any suicide hangover remedies for you. (For what it’s worth, she kept — presumably drunkenly — posting pictures of shit sandwiches in the secret chatcave last night, and we did not let her post them at you. You’re welcome!) Read more on GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?…
  Fire Water Burn

Completely Sane Colorado Republican Explains Fracking Perfectly Fine, Since Water Has Always Caught Fire

New Combustible Water: It's Antibacterial!
Colorado state Senator Randy Baumgardner and his epic Mustache of Justice may have failed in their quest to unseat U.S. Sen. Mark Udall — as it turns out, Baumgardner didn’t even qualify for the primary — but that doesn’t mean that the man and the mustache have any intention of letting liberals run rampant with their fakey stories about fracking being bad for children or other living things. In fact, he told Wonkette’s favorite disgraced former chaplain Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, there is nothing unusual about tapwater smelling like an oil well or catching on fire, because according to Science Facts that he happens to know real good, it’s all perfectly natural. Read more on Completely Sane Colorado Republican Explains Fracking Perfectly Fine, Since Water Has Always Caught Fire…
  get thee behind me stupid

Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism

Ever since John Jacob Gordon Klingenschmitt won his primary for a state legislative seat in Colorado, we’ve been expecting big things from old Chaps, which is one hell of a nickname for a straight man. We should have known that it wouldn’t be long before a man who is so very preoccupied by demonic possession would find a way to get back onto our virtual pages. If you need a quick refresher course, Klingenschmitt is certain that most things — gays, animals, Disney films — are possessed by demons. So it was pretty much required that he’d have to conclude that atheists were also too possessed by demons, and the only cure for the demons is more exorcisin’. Read more on Demon-Slayer Gordon Klingenschmitt Pretty Sure All Those Atheists Need Is A Good Exorcism…
  we left out utah and no one will notice

Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!

Thanks to Snipy staying up late so we could post the results of the one election yesterday that everyone was following (Mississippi: the Old Guy won, the other asshole lost), we are left with tidying up the electoral crumbs from around our great nation. Of course, Chris McDaniel is still making grumpy whining noises about recounts and “the integrity of the vote” and such, so he hasn’t exactly conceded to the critter-fiddler. Or to reality. Now, on to the other primaries of note! Read more on Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!…