Tag Archives: GOP

  Politigation

With No Other Problems In Sight, GOP Will Spend 2015 Fighting Obamacare

Pic via sugarfreeglow Welcome to 2015, Republicans! With the changing of the year, we assume you’ll be turning over a new leaf, looking toward the future and leaving behind the petty bickering and toddler-like tantrums that characterized 2014. Ha ha, just kidding, of course. Read more on With No Other Problems In Sight, GOP Will Spend 2015 Fighting Obamacare…
  The New Math

GOP’s New Math Will Cut Your Taxes And Bankrupt America, So Basically A Wash

Pic via 1Funny As the year draws to a close, we here in the Washington Bureau are grateful for many things. Because we are Americans, we are most grateful for our capital-F Freedom and its valiant defenders, not least the right-wing fiscal fringers of the coming 114th Congress. These brave budget warriors will liberate us from the tyranny of traditional government math, freeing us from the chains of logic and allowing our wildest fiscal fantasies to come true. Read more on GOP’s New Math Will Cut Your Taxes And Bankrupt America, So Basically A Wash…
  Like a Boy

Congressfelon Michael Grimm Realizes God Wants Him To Resign After All

Rep. Michael Grimm, felonious tax-evader and media relations expert, announced his intention to resign from Congress, after insisting only a week ago that he would NOT resign, despite pleading guilty, according to a late-breaking report from the New York Daily News on Monday. Softening the blow for the few remaining Grimm groupies, he’ll be staying in office until Jan. 5, allowing him to put “2015” as an end date on his resume and have a bitchin’ New Year’s party in his office since he probably won’t be getting the deposit back anyway. Read more on Congressfelon Michael Grimm Realizes God Wants Him To Resign After All…
  conservachristmas

Here Are Stupid Things To Buy For The Beloved Idiot Republicans In Your Life

Greetings, godless liberals! Since you don’t celebrate Christmas in your heathen belief system, you might not realize that the more upright members of society are using one of their “holy days” as a reason to spend the next two weeks exchanging bobbles and trinkets to signal fellowship and lord their financial prosperity over each other. Read more on Here Are Stupid Things To Buy For The Beloved Idiot Republicans In Your Life…
  Hell YEAH

Let’s Enjoy Watching Elizabeth Warren Kick Some More GOP Ass, For America

On Wednesday, Sen. Elizabeth Warren spoke at the Center for American Progress where, as we’ve come to expect from her, she used her big ol’ professorial brain to little-wordsplain at us how America used to be, how it should be, how Republicans effed it all the heck up, and how we can make it better. Read more on Let’s Enjoy Watching Elizabeth Warren Kick Some More GOP Ass, For America…
  Christie/Walker 2016

Scott Walker Clinches Lowest Seed In 2016 Primary Bracket

So… Wisconsin. We here at the Washington Bureau have largely averted our eyes from this particular race until now, preferring instead to ease ourselves into the abstract knowledge that Scott Walker was, in fact, rewarded for his behavior with another term in office. Read more on Scott Walker Clinches Lowest Seed In 2016 Primary Bracket…
  bring back the demon sheep

Vote Republican Or Everyone Will Die From EbolaISISGuantanamoGhazi

Vote GOP or ghost terrorists will kill you and your stupid dog.
We are now into the last week of the midterm campaign, by which point the candidates and parties traditionally have long given up any remaining shreds of dignity or pretense that the election has anything to do with such high-falutin’ concepts as “ideas” or “democracy.” Not that we need to tell any of you that. You would not be reading Wonkette if you ever thought otherwise. Read more on Vote Republican Or Everyone Will Die From EbolaISISGuantanamoGhazi…
  Chicks -- what a new idea!

GOP Finally Reveals New Idea: Look! Ladies! Look At All These Ladies!

they have all the kinds
Ever since the GOP announced its latest new rebranding plan — Ideas! We’re Going To Have Some! — we have been on the edge of our seat waiting to find out what their Ideas! will be. And thanks to this new failtastically funny ad, now we know. It is chicks, man. But in the good way. Read more on GOP Finally Reveals New Idea: Look! Ladies! Look At All These Ladies!…
  Very Serious Journamalism Meets Very Serious Talking Points

GOP Will Give Pregnant Ladies ‘Whatever It Is That We Can Offer’ Except For One Little Thing

Just trying to remember which talking point works here
In the never-ending quest to prove that every member of the Republican Party is dumber than he (or she, there are like half a dozen chicks too!) looks, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus went on Meet The Press Sunday to really drive the message home again some more again some more. Read more on GOP Will Give Pregnant Ladies ‘Whatever It Is That We Can Offer’ Except For One Little Thing…
  They're also FOR being against everything

Republicans Rebranding Again (Again), This Time As Party Of ‘Ideas’ LOL

It just might work this time
Since it has been almost five whole minutes since the Republican Party tried again to rebrand itself again unsuccessfully again (turns out stock photos can’t vote; who knew?), there’s a new new super extra new plan to convince voters the Republican Party does not suck. We’re hoping it doesn’t fail until we at least finish writing about it. Read more on Republicans Rebranding Again (Again), This Time As Party Of ‘Ideas’ LOL…
  Black-ish

GOP Finds Stock Photos To Be Their New Black Friends

Republicans have a race problem, and continue to do everything they can to make it worse. Most recently they launched the thoroughly mockable #ImARepublican campaign, which turns out to suck even harder than Rick Santorum at Iowa’s annual goat-blowing festival: Read more on GOP Finds Stock Photos To Be Their New Black Friends…
  a boehner exploehner

GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time

He's in charge here
How’s John Boehner doing? Looks like pretty good — still breathing, still Speaker of the House, still getting incoherently slammed in public by members of his own caucus. The Hill reports they’re gonna do another coup! There are meetings! Like a dozen different, uncoordinated meetings: Read more on GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time…
  the morning after

Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift

nice car
  Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia Like the long days and warm weather, the Trial of the Century of the Summer had to come to an end. On Thursday, Bob and Maureen McDonnell were convicted of their many alleged crimes against Virginian Humanity (and acquitted of a couple counts of lying to a bank, whatevs). While we’re waiting for Lord and Lady Griftington to be sentenced in January, let’s see what Virginia has to say about the guilty guilty pretty much totally guilty verdicts of its former first couple! Read more on Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift…
  Your morning cup of wut?

GOP Sure Is Great With The Ladies, Part Why Bother Counting? And Other News You Can Maybe Use

except when they're not invited
Just think … somewhere in the world, it’s already weekend o’clock. Boy, those Republicans, man. They sure know how to woo the womenfolk. Or at least the menfolk, which, let’s face it, is really who matters: Read more on GOP Sure Is Great With The Ladies, Part Why Bother Counting? And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  dropouts

Kansas Dems Make Dirty Deal to Defeat Pat Roberts By Quitting

pat says please stay chad
Image via video from roberts.senate.gov Kansas Democrats are calculating, power-hungry animals who will stop at nothing in their quest to deny a fourth term in the Senate to kindly old vagabond Pat Roberts. They’ll make deals with anyone as long as it ends in Pat’s defeat, and they would think nothing of engaging in such reprehensible tactics as sending a letter, notarized, to the Kansas Secretary of State, unilaterally withdrawing from the race. Read more on Kansas Dems Make Dirty Deal to Defeat Pat Roberts By Quitting…
  Cruz/Cruz 2016

Ted Cruz’s Father Would Like To Educate The Blacks To Love The GOP

Ted and Raf
Augh, parents! They can be so embarrassing. We assume Sen. Ted Cruz, the pride of Texas, was slumped in the car texting while his pastor dad Rafael was speaking to the Western Williamson County Republican Club recently about how to embiggen their tent with more (ahem) darkly pigmented members of the community. All you have to do, Pastor Raf explained, is make them see that minimum wage kills their jobs and that Republicans are the real civil rights champions (as long as you stopped checking 50 years ago). Take it from Rafael Cruz: The reluctance of the “average black” to support today’s GOP can be overcome with knowledge. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Father Would Like To Educate The Blacks To Love The GOP…
  No Weh

GOP Senate Hopeful Totally Not Sorry For Despicable Ad Exploiting James Foley’s Execution

Let’s say you are a Republican running for Senate in New Mexico against the current and quite popular Democratic Sen. Tom Udall, and your chances of winning are slightly better than a snowstorm in hell. What do you do? If you are Allen Weh, you run the most disgusting ad your campaign brain trust can imagine because YOLO, apparently. Read more on GOP Senate Hopeful Totally Not Sorry For Despicable Ad Exploiting James Foley’s Execution…
  rand paul is your new al sharpton america

Rand Paul Concedes Race For 2016 Republican Nomination

Ask not what you can do for others...ask what you can make others do for you
Rand Paul has done some opining about Ferguson, Missouri. It is some libertariany stuff you would expect about “big government” and militarizing the po-po and anyone who would give up liberty in the name of security deserves neither and hork hork hork what have you. But then Rand Paul starts talking about race, and not like he usually does, when he says the Civil Rights Act is some bullshit. Read more on Rand Paul Concedes Race For 2016 Republican Nomination…
  legally incapacitated

Drinky McDrunkerson Minnesota Supreme Court Candidate Utterly Incapable Of Obeying The Law

Remember how the good people of the Minnesota Republican Party endorsed Michelle MacDonald as their Supreme Court candidate, presumably because she believes in the Bible pretty much more than anything else, which is just what you want from your judges? But then she forgot to mention that teeny-tiny little problem where she ALLEGEDLY WE SAID ALLEGEDLY drove drunk, refused a breathalyzer, resisted arrest, and is facing trial for that hat trick of stupid? But it’s cool, because she shouldn’t even have to go to trial, because she’s innocent, and it’s just a waste of time to try innocent people. See? Isn’t it clear this lady has an excellent grasp of how the law works? Read more on Drinky McDrunkerson Minnesota Supreme Court Candidate Utterly Incapable Of Obeying The Law…
  Shocked and Awed

BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars

Here we go again. Another House committee, controlled by Republicans, has issued yet another wackadoodle report about BENGHAZI. Are we going to finally find out that President Obama was taking body shots off of Hillary at the time of the attack, laughing about telling everyone to “stand down”? What kind of conspiracy-tinged bullshit will be served up this time? Read more on BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars…
  na na na na goodbye

Eric Cantor To Congress: Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home

Yesterday was a big day for the GOP, what with the completely refusing to do anything at all about the immigrant children at the border that they pretend to be very very concerned about. They probably couldn’t quite get around to it, being busy high-fiving themselves over how they’re gonna sue Bamz so good and also too taking a whopping ten minutes out of their day to listen to Eric Cantor say his sad panda goodbyes as House Majority Leader because he lost to that Tea Party dude and does not get to Majority Lead any longer. And then everybody went away for their August break, secure in the knowledge that they had accomplished exactly zero things and were the very definition of sound and fury signifying nothing. Oh, and then Eric Cantor went home and talked to the Richmond Times Dispatch and said “oh hey, btw, I’m not coming back at all. Forgot to mention that earlier.” Read more on Eric Cantor To Congress: Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home…