Tag Archives: GOP

  Christie/Walker 2016

Scott Walker Clinches Lowest Seed In 2016 Primary Bracket

So… Wisconsin. We here at the Washington Bureau have largely averted our eyes from this particular race until now, preferring instead to ease ourselves into the abstract knowledge that Scott Walker was, in fact, rewarded for his behavior with another term in office. Read more on Scott Walker Clinches Lowest Seed In 2016 Primary Bracket…
  bring back the demon sheep

Vote Republican Or Everyone Will Die From EbolaISISGuantanamoGhazi

Vote GOP or ghost terrorists will kill you and your stupid dog.
We are now into the last week of the midterm campaign, by which point the candidates and parties traditionally have long given up any remaining shreds of dignity or pretense that the election has anything to do with such high-falutin’ concepts as “ideas” or “democracy.” Not that we need to tell any of you that. You would not be reading Wonkette if you ever thought otherwise. Read more on Vote Republican Or Everyone Will Die From EbolaISISGuantanamoGhazi…
  Chicks -- what a new idea!

GOP Finally Reveals New Idea: Look! Ladies! Look At All These Ladies!

they have all the kinds
Ever since the GOP announced its latest new rebranding plan — Ideas! We’re Going To Have Some! — we have been on the edge of our seat waiting to find out what their Ideas! will be. And thanks to this new failtastically funny ad, now we know. It is chicks, man. But in the good way. Read more on GOP Finally Reveals New Idea: Look! Ladies! Look At All These Ladies!…
  Very Serious Journamalism Meets Very Serious Talking Points

GOP Will Give Pregnant Ladies ‘Whatever It Is That We Can Offer’ Except For One Little Thing

Just trying to remember which talking point works here
In the never-ending quest to prove that every member of the Republican Party is dumber than he (or she, there are like half a dozen chicks too!) looks, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus went on Meet The Press Sunday to really drive the message home again some more again some more. Read more on GOP Will Give Pregnant Ladies ‘Whatever It Is That We Can Offer’ Except For One Little Thing…
  They're also FOR being against everything

Republicans Rebranding Again (Again), This Time As Party Of ‘Ideas’ LOL

It just might work this time
Since it has been almost five whole minutes since the Republican Party tried again to rebrand itself again unsuccessfully again (turns out stock photos can’t vote; who knew?), there’s a new new super extra new plan to convince voters the Republican Party does not suck. We’re hoping it doesn’t fail until we at least finish writing about it. Read more on Republicans Rebranding Again (Again), This Time As Party Of ‘Ideas’ LOL…
  Black-ish

GOP Finds Stock Photos To Be Their New Black Friends

Republicans have a race problem, and continue to do everything they can to make it worse. Most recently they launched the thoroughly mockable #ImARepublican campaign, which turns out to suck even harder than Rick Santorum at Iowa’s annual goat-blowing festival: Read more on GOP Finds Stock Photos To Be Their New Black Friends…
  a boehner exploehner

GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time

He's in charge here
How’s John Boehner doing? Looks like pretty good — still breathing, still Speaker of the House, still getting incoherently slammed in public by members of his own caucus. The Hill reports they’re gonna do another coup! There are meetings! Like a dozen different, uncoordinated meetings: Read more on GOP Malcontents’ Doomed, Clumsy Coup Against Boehner Will Totally Work This Time…
  the morning after

Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift

nice car
  Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia Like the long days and warm weather, the Trial of the Century of the Summer had to come to an end. On Thursday, Bob and Maureen McDonnell were convicted of their many alleged crimes against Virginian Humanity (and acquitted of a couple counts of lying to a bank, whatevs). While we’re waiting for Lord and Lady Griftington to be sentenced in January, let’s see what Virginia has to say about the guilty guilty pretty much totally guilty verdicts of its former first couple! Read more on Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift…
  Your morning cup of wut?

GOP Sure Is Great With The Ladies, Part Why Bother Counting? And Other News You Can Maybe Use

except when they're not invited
Just think … somewhere in the world, it’s already weekend o’clock. Boy, those Republicans, man. They sure know how to woo the womenfolk. Or at least the menfolk, which, let’s face it, is really who matters: Read more on GOP Sure Is Great With The Ladies, Part Why Bother Counting? And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  dropouts

Kansas Dems Make Dirty Deal to Defeat Pat Roberts By Quitting

pat says please stay chad
Image via video from roberts.senate.gov Kansas Democrats are calculating, power-hungry animals who will stop at nothing in their quest to deny a fourth term in the Senate to kindly old vagabond Pat Roberts. They’ll make deals with anyone as long as it ends in Pat’s defeat, and they would think nothing of engaging in such reprehensible tactics as sending a letter, notarized, to the Kansas Secretary of State, unilaterally withdrawing from the race. Read more on Kansas Dems Make Dirty Deal to Defeat Pat Roberts By Quitting…
  Cruz/Cruz 2016

Ted Cruz’s Father Would Like To Educate The Blacks To Love The GOP

Ted and Raf
Augh, parents! They can be so embarrassing. We assume Sen. Ted Cruz, the pride of Texas, was slumped in the car texting while his pastor dad Rafael was speaking to the Western Williamson County Republican Club recently about how to embiggen their tent with more (ahem) darkly pigmented members of the community. All you have to do, Pastor Raf explained, is make them see that minimum wage kills their jobs and that Republicans are the real civil rights champions (as long as you stopped checking 50 years ago). Take it from Rafael Cruz: The reluctance of the “average black” to support today’s GOP can be overcome with knowledge. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Father Would Like To Educate The Blacks To Love The GOP…
  No Weh

GOP Senate Hopeful Totally Not Sorry For Despicable Ad Exploiting James Foley’s Execution

Let’s say you are a Republican running for Senate in New Mexico against the current and quite popular Democratic Sen. Tom Udall, and your chances of winning are slightly better than a snowstorm in hell. What do you do? If you are Allen Weh, you run the most disgusting ad your campaign brain trust can imagine because YOLO, apparently. Read more on GOP Senate Hopeful Totally Not Sorry For Despicable Ad Exploiting James Foley’s Execution…
  rand paul is your new al sharpton america

Rand Paul Concedes Race For 2016 Republican Nomination

Ask not what you can do for others...ask what you can make others do for you
Rand Paul has done some opining about Ferguson, Missouri. It is some libertariany stuff you would expect about “big government” and militarizing the po-po and anyone who would give up liberty in the name of security deserves neither and hork hork hork what have you. But then Rand Paul starts talking about race, and not like he usually does, when he says the Civil Rights Act is some bullshit. Read more on Rand Paul Concedes Race For 2016 Republican Nomination…
  legally incapacitated

Drinky McDrunkerson Minnesota Supreme Court Candidate Utterly Incapable Of Obeying The Law

Remember how the good people of the Minnesota Republican Party endorsed Michelle MacDonald as their Supreme Court candidate, presumably because she believes in the Bible pretty much more than anything else, which is just what you want from your judges? But then she forgot to mention that teeny-tiny little problem where she ALLEGEDLY WE SAID ALLEGEDLY drove drunk, refused a breathalyzer, resisted arrest, and is facing trial for that hat trick of stupid? But it’s cool, because she shouldn’t even have to go to trial, because she’s innocent, and it’s just a waste of time to try innocent people. See? Isn’t it clear this lady has an excellent grasp of how the law works? Read more on Drinky McDrunkerson Minnesota Supreme Court Candidate Utterly Incapable Of Obeying The Law…
  Shocked and Awed

BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars

Here we go again. Another House committee, controlled by Republicans, has issued yet another wackadoodle report about BENGHAZI. Are we going to finally find out that President Obama was taking body shots off of Hillary at the time of the attack, laughing about telling everyone to “stand down”? What kind of conspiracy-tinged bullshit will be served up this time? Read more on BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars…
  na na na na goodbye

Eric Cantor To Congress: Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home

Yesterday was a big day for the GOP, what with the completely refusing to do anything at all about the immigrant children at the border that they pretend to be very very concerned about. They probably couldn’t quite get around to it, being busy high-fiving themselves over how they’re gonna sue Bamz so good and also too taking a whopping ten minutes out of their day to listen to Eric Cantor say his sad panda goodbyes as House Majority Leader because he lost to that Tea Party dude and does not get to Majority Lead any longer. And then everybody went away for their August break, secure in the knowledge that they had accomplished exactly zero things and were the very definition of sound and fury signifying nothing. Oh, and then Eric Cantor went home and talked to the Richmond Times Dispatch and said “oh hey, btw, I’m not coming back at all. Forgot to mention that earlier.” Read more on Eric Cantor To Congress: Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home…
  boneheaded density

Ladies, Please Stop Thinking About Your Vagina And Start Thinking About Your Sad Brittle Bones

You’d think by now the Republicans would just be trying to figure out how to just take voting rights away from ladies and blahs and browns and homosexxicans rather than pretending that any part of their platform will ever appeal to anybody but angry white straight guys. But, in a testament to an absolutely blinkered level of thick-headedness, Republicans are still trying to win over the very people they loathe. Their latest effort revolves around hoping that if they just yell “women’s health women’shealthWOMEN’SHEALTH” louder and louder and over and over, somehow it will come to mean what they want it to mean, which is to say that it will no longer mean anything about babbies or ‘bortions. Instead, “women’s health” will become synonymous with osteoporosis, which is no doubt the most gripping health problem facing American women. Read more on Ladies, Please Stop Thinking About Your Vagina And Start Thinking About Your Sad Brittle Bones…
  we don't need no stinkin' natural resources

Wyoming Gubernatorial Candidate Debuts Super Cool Plan To Mine And Drill Yellowstone

Wonketanians, we have failed you, and for that we are humbly sorry. How have we let you down? Because it has been three whole days since this shining diamond of dumb, GOP gubernatorial candidate Taylor Haynes, elbowed his way over the Wyoming horizon to open his mouth and let spew forth a veritable gusher of Tea Party nonsense, complete with a suggestion that we should drill and mine the fuck out of Yellowstone National Park. Oh, and maybe lease out the land as well, because what a great plan. See? It’s unforgivable that we slept on this guy. Let’s rectify that. Read more on Wyoming Gubernatorial Candidate Debuts Super Cool Plan To Mine And Drill Yellowstone…
  it's no fun to stay at the ymca

Hero Wannabe Congresscritter Will Secure The Border Against The Scourge Of Children Going To Summer Camp

Between the ongoing child immigrant crisis at the border  and the fact that all House of Representatives seats are up for grabs, our cup of derp really does runneth over so hard. There are the incoherently angry poor spellers. There is Breitbart’s House For The Endlessly Petulant mistaking a soccer jersey for an evil Muslim prayer rug. All those idiots should stand aside, though, because GOP state legislator and Arizona congressional candidate Adam Kwasman is here to put them all to shame with his touching concern for the busload of terrified migrant children he saw, a concern made all the more touching by the fact that what he saw was actually a bus full of good old ‘Merican kids on their way to YMCA summer camp. Read more on Hero Wannabe Congresscritter Will Secure The Border Against The Scourge Of Children Going To Summer Camp…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

GOP Reveals New New Extra New Plan to ‘Empower’ Women By Telling Them They Are Stupid

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Republicans have a new plan to woo the lady voters, and it’s new! And a plan! And unlike all the other new plans they’ve been trying, this one is totally going to work. (Spoiler: It is not going to work.) Read more on GOP Reveals New New Extra New Plan to ‘Empower’ Women By Telling Them They Are Stupid…
  rock me like a hurricane

Republicans So Anguished About Border Children, They Will Not Stop Until They Do Nothing About It

Have you heard there is a Katrina at the border, and that Katrina is a hurricane of little brown children, mostly unaccompanied by any adults, who have traveled thousands of miles to escape the violence in their Central American homes? Some people have been kind of spitty about it, with the screaming at the buses full of brown babies, phlegm flying. Other people, meanwhile, have taken a more tempered approach, perhaps realizing that screaming at babies like a crack mom is not a Good Electoral Look. Those more temperate folks have emphasized that we have a humanitarian crisis at our border, and that is true! Luckily, they will not rest until they keep one “President” Barack Obama from doing anything about it. Read more on Republicans So Anguished About Border Children, They Will Not Stop Until They Do Nothing About It…
  tears of the clowns

Chris McDaniel Pretty Sure Zombie Ronald Reagan Doesn’t Think Thad Cochran Won

We stayed up late last night just to make sure we could maximize our intake of sweet Tea Party tears over Chris McDaniel losing the GOP primary to incumbent Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran. McDaniel had proved to be a reliable source of ridiculous, but even with that we will not be sorry to see him go, especially because this entire thing made us feel like we had to defend Thad Cochran, which made us feel like we needed to take a Silkwood shower. We know that Cochran’s victory means that he cruises to victory in November, but right now we’re just going to laugh ourselves silly listening to all the half-angry/half-sad trombone noises coming from the Tea Party friends of McDaniel. Read more on Chris McDaniel Pretty Sure Zombie Ronald Reagan Doesn’t Think Thad Cochran Won…