Ted Stevens is 85 years old and has served in the United States Senate since Reconstruction. He now has to leave, because he lost his latest re-election bid to some warm-blooded mammal from Anchorage. Join us as he delivers a stirring rendition of “Non, je ne regrette rien” before committing seppuku with a whale tusk. MORE »

Oh, America, what will we do without our Long National Election Nightmare? We’ll do what we always do: Gossip, “scoops,” Joe Biden gaffes, etc. Joe Lieberman! That will be funny, whatever happens to old anus-face. And we’ve already lost so many seemingly irreplaceable human jokes, and it turned out that they were all immediately forgettable, too: Drunken Jenna & Barbara, Krazy Katherine Harris, folksy moron “Hollywood Fred” Thompson, rat-faced fascist Rudy Giuliani in his ladies’ clothes, gay instant-message masturbator Mark Foley, all the hilarious racists such as Jesse Helms and Zell Miller and Trent Lott, etc. So we’ll soon forget all the dumb-ass attention whores who amused us this year, too. Let’s start saying good-bye, together. MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: Obama camp is a hotbed of illegal gaming… Rappers and politicos, sitting side by side… Rep. Paul Broun wants to make sure you pledge correctly. [Roll Call]
• Reliable Source: Jenna’s got the dress all picked out… “Do I Hear a Blood Curdling Scream?”… Straight from the ass’s mouth. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Tax Day makes conservatives cry… Rep. Ted Poe reads from the family newsletter on the House floor. [Examiner]
• In the Know: Rep. Bono Mack isn’t a fan of Blow… The Pope’s not just coming to D.C. — he’s getting his hair cut, too!… Sen. Ken Salazar and his dog Sen. Mike Enzi are friends till the end. [The Hill]
• Shenanigans: Arena Stage’s production of Play On has got some Capitol talent. [Politico]
• And our beloved Intern Elise is leaving us, for New York City and the glamorous world of Daytime Teevee. Read her sad good-bye, after the jump!

MORE »

3:09: He finally comes out, no football in sight.
3:10: John Warner doing long, stiff intro.
3:12: Okay, no surprises. You don’t have a long-ass obit-style introduction unless you’re gonna concede.
3:13: OMG he brought the fucking football! And “threw a pass” to somebody. Jesus!
3:15: Did he just refer to the “Macaca National Committee”?
3:16: The Bible told him to give up and congratulate Jim Webb.
3:17: He got a lot of macacas off welfare.
3:18: Recount … why no recount? “I’m aware I have the legal right to ask for a recount … could drag on all the way till Christmas … I do not wish to cause more rancor … would not alter the results … no good purpose being served by continuously and needlessly spending money and causing more personal animosity ….”
3:19: Fight another day, etc.
3:20: He’s going to become an American citizen in January. Welcome to America, Macaca!
3:21: “Teammates” … does he really believe he’s on a secret football team? Does anyone realize he has never coached nor played pro or college football in any way? [Update: Yes, he played without distinction for UVA. But UVA sucked hard, so we stand by this statement.]
3:23: Actually a gracious speech, and it sounded sincere. Nice to show a little class, we like.
3:24: Well, that’s it. Dems somehow managed to take the House and the Senate. Good god ….

John “Bushy” Bolton is supposedly the next Bush Administration creature to say goodbye, but he may not even get the fancy luxury of a White House press conference hosted by George “Fabulous Job” Bush. MORE »