Tag Archives: goodbyes

  gifzette daily briefing

12 Things Gifzette Will Miss About the 2012 GOP Primary

12) That time Michele Bachmann compared herself to a serial killer. 11) Stress-eating at the mere sight of Chuck Todd’s facial hair. 10) Donald Trump’s very good relationship with “the blacks.” 9) Jon Huntsman speaking Mandarin. 8) “The Original, Famous Ron Paul Survival Kit.” 7) Tim Pawlenty. (He was so benign!) Read more on 12 Things Gifzette Will Miss About the 2012 GOP Primary…
  important announcements regarding your wonkette

Tattooed Pig Urges Wonkabout To Leave DC (Goodbye Forever!)

Well hello! After two years of eating and drinking her way around this city so you could know which small plates, pork, hamburger or pizza establishment is worthy of your hard-earned disposable income, it is time for your Wonkabout to leave the playground that is D.C. She is off to learn things in grad school, after which she’ll probably be unemployed, burdened by debt and unable to afford her pork habit. Wish her luck! But really, it was all fun and games until tattooing a dead pig for charity became an acceptable D.C. springtime activity … and then she knew it was time to go. Read more on Tattooed Pig Urges Wonkabout To Leave DC (Goodbye Forever!)…
  where's mine?

Goodbye Forever: A Children’s Treasury of Rahm Emanuel Moments

Barack Obama just gave Rahm Emanuel a hearty kick in the ass, and Rahm rolled right out the door of the White House and into the trunk of Air Force Thug, the special Chicago mob car they use to travel back and forth to their home city, using a bootleggers’ tunnel that runs beneath the Erie Canal and the Great Lakes straight to John Dillinger’s Kenyan Socialist BDSM dungeon beneath Mayor Daley’s mausoleum (it’s the one with the star and crescent). Does anyone even remember the long-ago days when “Rahm Emanuel” was kind of a thing, and you people anxiously clicked blog posts about his adventures, which mostly consisted of having weird brothers and not having one of his fingers and just cold saving people’s lives all over theaters in Washington like a reverse John Wilkes Booth? Well, you did. You people loved Rahm Emanuel. Let’s laugh together, one more time. Read more on Goodbye Forever: A Children’s Treasury of Rahm Emanuel Moments…
  time to burn this place down

Goodbye Forever, Dearest Wonketteers

Well, guess what. Today is the final day for editor “Jim Newell” (me) at your Wonkette, and this is my last post. I will be starting at Gawker on Monday! So, should I just rattle off a few Blingees of furries, write “ha ha,” and then be done with it? Probably. Instead I will just type for an hour or so until I have to go somewhere. “Ha ha.” Oh dear… Read more on Goodbye Forever, Dearest Wonketteers…
  tomorrow to fresh woods and pastures new

Important Changes Regarding Your Wonkette: Bye And Thanks But Mostly Thanks!

Well hello! A brief note from your Tuesday and Thursday morning editor: Today is my final day at Wonkette, as starting on Monday I will be blogging for Vanity Fair‘s VF Daily blog, so please come hang out there, too. It’ll be just like old times! Thank you times a million to Ken, Jim, Sara, Riley and Arielle, the best people in the entire Internet, even factoring in all the robots and whoever writes the “Twitter” Website. And thank you, readers and commenters, for reading and commenting, and for tipping and for being far, far better at grammar than I than me. I will miss everyone. Read more on Important Changes Regarding Your Wonkette: Bye And Thanks But Mostly Thanks!…
  so long

Liveblogging Uncle Ted Stevens’ Sad Farewell

Ted Stevens is 85 years old and has served in the United States Senate since Reconstruction. He now has to leave, because he lost his latest re-election bid to some warm-blooded mammal from Anchorage. Join us as he delivers a stirring rendition of “Non, je ne regrette rien” before committing seppuku with a whale tusk. Read more on Liveblogging Uncle Ted Stevens’ Sad Farewell…
  what we've lost

A Children’s Treasury of McCain Nostalgia

Oh, America, what will we do without our Long National Election Nightmare? We’ll do what we always do: Gossip, “scoops,” Joe Biden gaffes, etc. Joe Lieberman! That will be funny, whatever happens to old anus-face. And we’ve already lost so many seemingly irreplaceable human jokes, and it turned out that they were all immediately forgettable, too: Drunken Jenna & Barbara, Krazy Katherine Harris, folksy moron “Hollywood Fred” Thompson, rat-faced fascist Rudy Giuliani in his ladies’ clothes, gay instant-message masturbator Mark Foley, all the hilarious racists such as Jesse Helms and Zell Miller and Trent Lott, etc. So we’ll soon forget all the dumb-ass attention whores who amused us this year, too. Let’s start saying good-bye, together. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of McCain Nostalgia…
 

Live-Blogging Macaca’s Final Speech

3:09: He finally comes out, no football in sight. 3:10: John Warner doing long, stiff intro. 3:12: Okay, no surprises. You don’t have a long-ass obit-style introduction unless you’re gonna concede. 3:13: OMG he brought the fucking football! And “threw a pass” to somebody. Jesus! 3:15: Did he just refer to the “Macaca National Committee”? 3:16: The Bible told him to give up and congratulate Jim Webb. 3:17: He got a lot of macacas off welfare. 3:18: Recount … why no recount? “I’m aware I have the legal right to ask for a recount … could drag on all the way till Christmas … I do not wish to cause more rancor … would not alter the results … no good purpose being served by continuously and needlessly spending money and causing more personal animosity ….” 3:19: Fight another day, etc. 3:20: He’s going to become an American citizen in January. Welcome to America, Macaca! 3:21: “Teammates” … does he really believe he’s on a secret football team? Does anyone realize he has never coached nor played pro or college football in any way? [Update: Yes, he played without distinction for UVA. But UVA sucked hard, so we stand by this statement.] 3:23: Actually a gracious speech, and it sounded sincere. Nice to show a little class, we like. 3:24: Well, that’s it. Dems somehow managed to take the House and the Senate. Good god …. Read more on Live-Blogging Macaca’s Final Speech…
 

Not With a Press Conference, But With a Whimper

John “Bushy” Bolton is supposedly the next Bush Administration creature to say goodbye, but he may not even get the fancy luxury of a White House press conference hosted by George “Fabulous Job” Bush. Read more on Not With a Press Conference, But With a Whimper…