Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like! MORE »

John McCain is the graduate of a swank prep school, the scion of America’s most distinguished Naval dynasty, and the husband of a multimillionaire beer heiress. This is why he sells “divot tools” to raise money for his presidential campaign, because only an elitist would even know what a fucking divot tool is. Thanks to Working-Class Wonkette Operative “More Bitterer” for bringing this to our attention. [McCain Store]

Well fuck all. The Politico’s Mike Allen held an interview with President Bush today in which the Commander-in-Chief announced how he is showing his gratitude to the troops. “I don’t want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf… I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal.” Can’t… what the… some game vs. death… DOES NOT COMPUTE. [Jonathan Martin]

Now don’t go calling him lazy; if he’s in Florida and going to lose tonight, he might as well play nine holes. We predict low scores, given the newly invented Penis Club’s low center of gravity and ability to hate-molest various thoroughbreds. [AP Photo]

Radar reports that “In a final act of lawlessness” outgoing asshole general Alberto Gonzales apparently pushed back everyone’s tee times at the Chevy Chase club so that he and his non-member guest Condi could get the best time last Saturday. AND THE CLUB FORBIDS NON-MEMBERS FROM GOLFING ON WEEKENDS. As if that wasn’t enough proof that the guy has not an ounce of concern for anyone but himself (and his boss, obviously), a reader sent in this shocking accusation from some lady’s LiveJournal: MORE »

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn’t. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

This week: the all-important Union Station men’s room conundrum.

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* Heard on the Hill: “Why did Rep. Dan Burton (R-Ind.) miss 19 House votes over four days in mid-January? He was playing golf in Palm Springs. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: The MPAA brought in Will Smith to make lawmakers like Hollywood again… Sufjan Stevens drank at the Watergate. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Joaquin Phoenix stood next to Dennis Kucinich at a Department of Peace press conference, refused to say anything. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: Nebraska odd couple Chuck Hagel and Ben Nelson are getting along! Finally! [WP]
* Shenanigans: Democratic Whip James Clyburn loves Jack Daniels soooo much they asked him to be their spokesman… Sen. Debbie Stabenow ripped off the Nicholson monologue from A Few Good Men on the floor of the Senate. [Politico]

We haven’t checked in with journalist/gadfly Kim Eisler in a while — not since the days of Chris Matthews’ friends laughing at him — but he’s begun posting exclusive e-mails from disgraced ultra-lobbyist Jack Abramoff (in preparation for Eisler’s January Washingtonian piece on their friendship). Here are some of the gems: MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: The ballad of Dennis Hastert and crazy evangelist con artist K.A. Paul… Maryland Senate candidate Michael Steele spends an awful lotta time with the lobbyists at Quinn Gillespie and Associates. Try “two days a week, dialing for dollars” sez one, Steele denies it… DC Magazine runs picture of Rep. Mary Bono (R-CA) and her boyfriend, Rep. Connie Mack (R-Fla). Captions it Bono “and guest.” [Roll Call]
• Reliable Source: Hillary Clinton’s mom has moved in with her… Mary Matalin compares her husband James Carville to Kim Jong-il. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Republicans hold fundraisers on golf courses surrounded by rich people… George Allen takes the money donated by Mark Foley, gives it to anti-porn group headed by Donna Rice. [Examiner]
• Rush and Molloy: Gore Vidal (god bless him) says Eleanor Roosevelt had “a Sapphic passion” for Amelia Earhart. Earhart was kinda creeped out. [NYDN]

• Heard on the Hill: Dick Cheney made a funny about shooting Tim Russert in the face. He then repeated his funny to the Senate Republican Conference… The DNC had recruiters outside the Camelot strip club again. On 9/11, natch. [Roll Call]
• Yeas and Nays: Congressional Democrats won a golf tourney against Republicans for the first time ever…. Ken Burns will do a 9/11 documentary, but not any time soon. [Examiner]
• Reliable Source: Learn why the hell Tom Cruise was here. [WP]
• Page Six: Kitty Dukakis is about to publish a book touting the benefits of shock therapy. [NYP]

* When we look at Golf Digest’s ranking of Washington golfers, all we see is a whole lot of strokes. [Golf Digest] MORE »