Last year Rudy Giuliani’s humble son Andrew, then a student at Duke, sued the university for kicking him off its varsity golf team, a move that “interferred with Giuliani’s efforts toward becoming a professional golfer,” the right to which is, what, Seventh Amendment? Eighth? (Second.) Yesterday a U.S. Magistrate Judge recommended dismissing the case in a SNARKY opinion that just eviscerates this brat, with “golf humor.” Ever seen a judge reject a plaintiff’s “promissory estoppel claim” by quoting a line from Caddyshack? [The Smoking Gun]

• CBS GOLF ASSHOLE HAS MURDER PLANS FOR, UH, NANCY PELOSI: “From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this, though: despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Osama bin Laden, there’s a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death.” [The Hill]

It has been over a year since some Republican finally made the obvious connection, in public, that Barack Obama and professional golf player Tiger Woods are the same person. Both are half-black, half-Muslin, and half-Asian but still manage to be polite human beings who speak eloquently and don’t go on welfare or murder children. In fact it is racist to even mention Barack Obama in a sentence that doesn’t also include Tiger Woods. And so on Monday (4/20!…?) Barack Obama invited Tiger Woods to the White House, and photos of this important historical race meeting have been released to the public today. MORE »

Condi Rice wrote an article for Tina Brown’s Internet Welfare Program For Lonely Republican Spinsters, and it is all about her new favorite game, golf. Somebody who knows something about golf might be able to “analyze” this article but we are not Deadspin over here so let’s just pick out some funny quotes. MORE »

Over the summer we mentioned that Andrew Giuliani, the son of 9/11, was suing Duke University because “he was wrongfully kicked off the golf team,” because talent should have had nothing to do with whether he made the cut on a sports team. But maybe this stuff does: “Duke said in a court filing Wednesday that the 22-year-old Giuliani was properly suspended after throwing an apple in the face of another player, breaking a golf club during a tournament, injuring a teammate and becoming verbally abusive with a coach.” Andrew denies all of this, which brings us back to the original argument: that he sucks at golf. [Charlotte Observer via Above The Law]

There’s been a hilarious debate on the Internet the last couple of days, as per usual, about whether the McCain “Celeb” ad was Racist because it chose two young white gals, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, as Barack Obama’s alter egos instead of the actual two most famous celebrities in the world. It is, apparently, a similar situation to the attack ad on Harold Ford in 2006, where he is constantly talking to loose white women on the telephone. If John McCain were to *objectively* pick the two most famous people in the world, the liberals argue, at least one of them would have been TIGER WOODS, the GOLFER. The conservatives do not believe Tiger Woods counts, however, because he has accomplishments!

Prepare to rock and/or roll. MORE »

Good lord: “The son of former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani is suing Duke University, claiming he was wrongfully kicked off the golf team. Andrew Giuliani claims he was dismissed without cause from the golf team earlier this year because coach O.D. Vincent III wanted to cut the team of 13 players by about half. The lawsuit claims the coach has interferred with Giuliani’s efforts toward becoming a professional golfer.” That basically says everything that needs to be said. Enjoy your annual divorce ritual in adulthood, Andrew. [AP]

Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like! MORE »

John McCain is the graduate of a swank prep school, the scion of America’s most distinguished Naval dynasty, and the husband of a multimillionaire beer heiress. This is why he sells “divot tools” to raise money for his presidential campaign, because only an elitist would even know what a fucking divot tool is. Thanks to Working-Class Wonkette Operative “More Bitterer” for bringing this to our attention. [McCain Store]

Well fuck all. The Politico’s Mike Allen held an interview with President Bush today in which the Commander-in-Chief announced how he is showing his gratitude to the troops. “I don’t want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf… I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal.” Can’t… what the… some game vs. death… DOES NOT COMPUTE. [Jonathan Martin]

Now don’t go calling him lazy; if he’s in Florida and going to lose tonight, he might as well play nine holes. We predict low scores, given the newly invented Penis Club’s low center of gravity and ability to hate-molest various thoroughbreds. [AP Photo]