Tag Archives: goldman sachs

  Allow her to retort

Elizabeth Warren To Wall Street: Drop Dead

The too-big-to-fail banks think they’re going to teach Professor Elizabeth Warren and the rest of her progressive rebel scum a lesson about saying mean things about them. As we just learned, the heads of the five families dick-swingers from Citigroup, JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, and Bank of America have been talking amongst themselves about how to get Warren to pipe down with all her talk about how corrupt they are and how they caused the financial crisis in 2008 that almost broke the country. Their bright ideas include withholding $15,000 per bank in “campaign donations to Senate Democrats in symbolic protest,” or possibly leaving a horse’s head in Sen. Warren’s bed. Read more on Elizabeth Warren To Wall Street: Drop Dead…
  Mad About A Thing

Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He’s A Dick

Good thing they all get to have health insurance
It must be nice to be Ted Cruz. Sure, you have to actually be Ted Cruz, which sounds awful, but on the other hand, you get to be Ted Cruz. You can devote your entire life — or, OK, the two years you’ve served in the U.S. Senate, if you wanna get technical about it — fighting against the Affordable Care Act and then, just when you happen to need it, BOOM! It’s right there for you anyway. You can swear to turn this whole country around and burn it to the ground and piss on its corpse (for extra Take That! funsies) to give Americans the Freedom And Liberty to not have affordable access to health care and go bankrupt with medical expenses or maybe just die from lack of access to a doctor. And yet, you still get to use it when your wife takes an extended (although, come on, probably not that extended) unpaid leave from her Goldman Sachs gig to smile and wave next to you while you stump around the country saying stuff like, “I’m going to repeal every single word of Obamacare.” America is a hell of a country, isn’t it? Read more on Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He’s A Dick…
  money money money money

Wall Street Douche Sues Goldman Sachs Because $8 Million Bonus Was Too Small

Here is a story in which everyone is terrible! This trader suing Goldman Sachs because his $8.25 million bonus wasn’t big enough is awful. Goldman Sachs is Goldman Sachs. How Occupy didn’t end up with heads piked in front of their barricades, the savage and bloodthirsty revolutionary dictator Elizabeth Warren riding a chariot pulled by stockbroker slaves, remains a mystery. Let us try to parse who is worse. (Hahahaha, it is unpossible, everyone is equally shitty.) Read more on Wall Street Douche Sues Goldman Sachs Because $8 Million Bonus Was Too Small…
  try try again

No, Goldman Sachs, Ladies At A Tech Event Probably Did Not Want Nail File Swag

So let’s say you’re a group of undergraduate women running a conference designed to “promote female representation in technical fields and create a community among women in technology.” That is a good thing! Be proud, stand tall. But it is a dumb thing to ask one of your sponsors to provide lady-themed swag. Also, too, it is a dumb thing for the sponsor, Goldman Sachs, to acquiesce to this request and provide Things You Think Ladies Like. Read more on No, Goldman Sachs, Ladies At A Tech Event Probably Did Not Want Nail File Swag…
  governor moneybeam

Millionaire TARP-Bailout Bankster Would Like Chance To Lose To Jerry Brown

Only a former Goldman-Sachs executive who has never held elected office and supervised the bank bailout under George W. Bush would have the hubris to survey a landscape rife with inequality, a shrinking middle class, and a 21.5% high school drop-out rate and think, “gee, I am exactly what the state of California needs right now: a job-creator and a go-getter who has what it takes to fix education and help Poors!” Do you think we are joking? Wonkette does not tell “jokes.” From the L.A. Times:  Former U.S. Treasury official Neel Kashkari announced Tuesday that he is running for governor of California, staking his campaign on his ability to create jobs and improve public schools. […] Kashkari, who has never held elected office, ran the taxpayer-funded federal bank bailout under President George W. Bush and Obama and has worked as a fund manager, investment banker and engineer. He pointed to his work running the bailout, when politicians worked together to ward off financial disaster, as an example of what he hoped to accomplish in California. Read more on Millionaire TARP-Bailout Bankster Would Like Chance To Lose To Jerry Brown…
  Won't Somebody Think of the Billionaires?

Forbes’ Randroid Columnist Tells 99% To Stop Whining And Help The Rich Already

Tuesday of this week marked the second anniversary of that little thing in New York where all those dirty kids squatted on Wall Street to whine and complain about being poor because they are part of, like, 99% of the country, and unlike the 1% who own 40% of all the money. They seemed to think this was wrong or something and someone should be giving back. But fear not, useless rest of you, Forbes contributor Harry Binswanger has some important knowledge to drop on all your poor masses. You were right! Someone should be giving back! And it is you! It is “the community” that should give back to the wealth-creators. It turns out that the 99% get far more benefit from the 1% than vice-versa. Ayn Rand developed the idea of “the pyramid of ability,” which John Galt sets forth in Atlas Shrugged. Read more on Forbes’ Randroid Columnist Tells 99% To Stop Whining And Help The Rich Already…
  journamalism

Anderson Cooper To Whistleblower: Why Do You Want To Hurt Those Nice Banks?

Well that was fast! The media has already, as Hamilton Nolan astutely predicted, turned on Greg Smith, the former Goldman Sachs analyst turned writer. You might remember Greg Smith from the scathing Op-Ed he wrote in the New York Times back in April, announcing his resignation from Goldman Sachs and revealing that their corporate culture is about as disgusting as we all have probably imagined it to be. At the time of the Op-Ed, the media wasn’t so sure about what to make of him, but erred on the side of “whistleblower,” with a dollop of hero! Except now the Lamestream Media has changed its mind and decided that he kind of sucks because the banks are full of shitbags, tell us something we don’t know. Actually, he isn’t “believable,” probably (this is from the New York Times). Or maybe he is actually a LIAR, look at him LYING his ass off and getting paid a shitload of money to do it! That last one, of course, is from Forbes magazine, a paragon of probity. Read more on Anderson Cooper To Whistleblower: Why Do You Want To Hurt Those Nice Banks?…
  bad boys bad boys

Breaking: Goldman Sachs Did Not Break Any of Those Laws It Wrote

Good news, bankers! Our long national nightmare of no accountability and massive golden parachutes is behind us so let there be champagne, caviar, and get out of jail free cards for all because the entire financial crisis is forgiven and we can all go back to blaming Poors and Political Correctness for causing the housing crash and subsequent recession, or as we like to call it “the new normal.” This development, of course, is TOTALLY shocking and unexpected and no one saw this coming. Read more on Breaking: Goldman Sachs Did Not Break Any of Those Laws It Wrote…
  quiet rooms

Goldman Offers Banking For The One Percent And There Will Be Neither Credit Cards Nor Toasters

The problem with retail banking, see, is that even Poors can sometimes scrape enough money together to get a bank account or a loan, and then they’re all blah blah blah, you are foreclosing on my house by mistake, or blah blah blah, I will not pay your $5 fee, and then sometimes they will cause a SCENE about these trifles, and it is embarrassing for everyone. Goldman Sachs has learned from Bank of America’s experiences with Poors, and so it will be launching its retail banking arm for the exclusive use of very very rich people and also for corporations (which, fun fact, are also a type of rich person). This way, they can make sure they don’t lend to Poors and also avoid any possibility of exposure to such inconveniences as “the market,” as well as the undignified practice of “giving away free toasters” SERIOUSLY. Read more on Goldman Offers Banking For The One Percent And There Will Be Neither Credit Cards Nor Toasters…
  tea & sympathy & collateralized debt obligations

People’s Mayor Mikey Bloomberg Rushes To Boost Morale At Goldman Sachs

Let it never be said that Michael Bloomberg, the charitable billionaire currently serving in the 11th year of a midlife vanity project called “being mayor of New York City,” ignores his constituents in their time of need. Just yesterday, a lil’ start-up investment house in Manhattan called Goldman Sachs was all down on its luck after an executive quit and denounced the place in a New York Times op-ed as a depraved travesty, a global stage-IV cancer, a clearinghouse for Satan’s most evil plans, and a deceitful counterparty to its earnest, Muppet clientele. Well excuse me, Mayor Mike said, but I’m just not going to let David pick on Goliath like this, not while I’m in charge! And so he rushed down to Goldman HQ post haste, held a “pep rally” for the workers, and even bought CEO Lloyd Blankfein a pityburger. He didn’t have to do this, people. But he did it anyway, and history will remember him fondly. Read more on People’s Mayor Mikey Bloomberg Rushes To Boost Morale At Goldman Sachs…
  idiots

Fox And Friends Call Protester Mom ‘Filth’ For Joining #OWS

The mentally ill dingbats at Fox and Friends devoted part of their program to calling kindly mom lady protester Stacy Hessler “disgusting filth” because she was so moved by the Occupy Wall Street protests that she left her teenage kids at home with their dad in Florida to participate at Zuccotti Park. B-b-but a woman’s place is in the home with all her chilluns! HORROR. And that’s all that Murdoch’s banal goons have got, “lady Occupy Wall Street protesters trust their husbands not to kill the kids while they’re out of town for a while.” Meanwhile, the corporate welfare gorgons at Goldman Sachs withdrew their charitable donation to a credit union that serves the poor, just to be somehow even worse than usual. Read more on Fox And Friends Call Protester Mom ‘Filth’ For Joining #OWS…
  because goldman sachs needs a hand!

Congress Giving Millions of Foreclosed Homes To Wall Street Slumlords

Great news, everybody: After deliberately failing to help millions of American families stuck in vulture mortgages, the U.S. government is now giving those foreclosed homes to Wall Street for pennies on the dollar so that Wall Street can then rent the now-vacant foreclosures back to the same people pushed out during the Wall Street-caused housing bubble collapse. Wall Street stands to make an immense profit by becoming, overnight, the “largest improved real-estate owners in the world.” Who says capitalism doesn’t work, with a little help from the government by taking away the property of the working class and giving it to billionaires who pay no taxes? Who says that? Read more on Congress Giving Millions of Foreclosed Homes To Wall Street Slumlords…
  revolving door politics

Former Goldman VP Got Sexy Name Change Before Getting Job in Congress

The weird mutants staffing Darrell Issa’s House Oversight Committee are for once being documented mutants: Issa staffer Peter Haller, who mostly scribbles furious letters to government regulators demanding they quit harassing Goldman Sachs with horrible strict rules like, “at least use condoms when you’re screwing everyone,” was also Peter Simonyi who dealt with government regulators as a VP at Goldman Sachs. He is like mutant Superman, for bankers! Or was that X-Men? Or both? That’s some weird sci-fi shit!  Read more on Former Goldman VP Got Sexy Name Change Before Getting Job in Congress…
  a modest proposal

Wise CEO Suggests Heavier Taxes On Poor People To Help Weary Rich People

Taxes on the rich would be very, very bad. All Americans learned this from our first constitutional president, Ronald Reagan, which is why his illegitimate son — the Keynesian Kenyan economist Barack Obama — keeps prattling on about the need for the top 1% to pay their “fair share.”  But as common-folk hero Eric Cantor can tell you, taxes on the rich are literally the murderers of innocent, mostly nonexistent jobs. With much of the remaining U.S. service sector now devoted to carrying sacks of Rolex watches and diamond-studded vibrators to Charles Koch’s chauffeured Bentley or sponge-bathing David Koch’s liver spots with whale oil, the redistribution of wealth from “people in general” to a handful of gazillionaires has put more pressure on the rich to keep being insanely rich. Who will make the nation’s poor finally take their medicine, for America? Read more on Wise CEO Suggests Heavier Taxes On Poor People To Help Weary Rich People…
  it's morning in america

Banker-Controlled Government Can’t Figure Out How To Prosecute Bankers

The Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations said on Wednesday that Goldman Sachs “misled investors selling mortgage-backed investments it knew would fail” and that executives from the bank had also “misled Congress in a testimony given in 2010.” And now all the thieving, lying bankers who ruined America will be sent to Bagram Fun Palace. Just kidding! The New York Times has a million-word story explaining how federal investigators tried so hard to find a way to prosecute Goldman Sachs and all the other banks, but just couldn’t! (Seriously!) According to the NYT Business Section, trying to figure out why all these white rich guys who control our government weren’t convicted of financial malfeasance is “the equivalent of determining why a dog did not bark — is anything but simple.” Ha-ha. Okay? Here is a news article about a 25-year-old mother of four who was sentenced to ten years in prison for selling $31 of weed. Why was she sent to prison? Because she stole billions of dollars and lied about it to the United States Senate. (She wasn’t friends with Henry Paulson, though!) Embarrassing. [NYT] Read more on Banker-Controlled Government Can’t Figure Out How To Prosecute Bankers… Read more on Banker-Controlled Government Can’t Figure Out How To Prosecute Bankers…
  rumors on the internets

Barack Obama Spares Fly, Lets Bo Eat It Instead

Tony Hayward’s exploding wellhead is not completely perpendicular, which is dangerous and also really gross to think about! [Think Progress] Filesharing, you know, “Pirate Bay Kazaa” or whatever, is actually good for Taylor Swift and other hip-hop musical artists. [Matt Yglesias] Read more on Barack Obama Spares Fly, Lets Bo Eat It Instead…
  it's morning in america

Goldman Sachs, The Bank, Will Be Put In Bank Jail

Were you all bummed out because the Goldman Sachs investigation was just this wimpy little civil suit from a bunch of bureaucrat nobodies at the SEC, whose only enforcement power is imposing tiny fines on impossibly rich people? Fear not! Now federal prosecutors are sniffing around this slimy cadre of villains. Soon there will be mass arrests, savage prosecutions, entire wings of federal penitentiaries given over to dozens of bankers, etc. Or not? Read more on Goldman Sachs, The Bank, Will Be Put In Bank Jail… Read more on Goldman Sachs, The Bank, Will Be Put In Bank Jail…
  things we knew

Everyone In Washington Loves To Shill For Goldman Sachs

This article about Goldman Sachs’ legal/lobbying/PR team is completely terrifying. The team includes Obama’s ex-White House counsel Greg Craig, as you know, but also Ken Duberstein, Harold Ford Senior, former SEC commissioner/Shelby aide Richard Roberts, PR sleaze Mark “Master of Disaster” Fabiani, Dick Gephardt, and “a veteran former regulatory reporter for the New York Times.” That doesn’t even include any of the names on Goldman’s in-house team, where Satan and the very worst Shakespearean antagonists serve as mere interns. [Washington Post] Read more on Everyone In Washington Loves To Shill For Goldman Sachs…
  tyranny!

Apology Not Accepted, Claire McCaskill

Much like elderly penguin Carl Levin, Claire McCaskill was forced to utter the acceptable adult word “shitty” today while discussing internal Goldman Sachs e-mails that said “shitty.” So here she is apologizing to her mother and the state of Missouri, on the Twitter. But she owes an apology to Goldman Sachs most of all, as does everyone, for questioning them. THEY WERE JUST MANAGING THEIR POSITIONS, YOU GUYS! [Twitter via Clusterstock] Read more on Apology Not Accepted, Claire McCaskill…
  heroic custodians of global wealth

Here Is Your Consensus ‘Good YouTube Clip’ From The Goldman Hearing

Have you been watching the important Goldman Sachs hearing in John McCain’s Senate all day? Oh shutup, you clearly do not have a job. Here’s the “most bloggable” clip thus far, of Carl Levin, who is old and great, maybe. Read more on Here Is Your Consensus ‘Good YouTube Clip’ From The Goldman Hearing…
  our flourishing economy

Barack Obama Tells ‘Fiscal Commission’ To Sell the Senate Make Some Reforms

Serious professor Barack Obama stepped outside his White Castle just now to praise his new “Fiscal Commission,” which will use a bipartisan method to mathematically prove America is bankrupt and that Goldman Sachs is a front for an Alien Monster hedge fund, which is exactly what Stephen Hawking and Nouriel Roubini warned us about. That problem solved — anything reduced to a Senate hearing is now officially “solved” — he is off to Iowa to run in the 2008 Democratic Primary. [Sun-Times] Read more on Barack Obama Tells ‘Fiscal Commission’ To Sell the Senate Make Some Reforms…