As you made your New Year’s Resolution this (last?) year, did you take into account what THE LORD OUR GOD may have wanted you to decide? Oh you did? Well you were probably wrong. Because Pat Robertson spoke directly to God and got the old man’s resolution, as he informed viewers on his teevee program today. In case you forgot to TiVo it, God’s plan is simple and generous (you know God!): He’s “going to give us China.” MORE »

• There’s nothing more compelling than an idea whose time has come. [New York Times]
• Someone may have mentioned to the President that there was an issue with the security contractors. Maybe more than once. [Washington Post]
• Hey, listen, better luck next time Rudy. [New York Times]
• Campaigns have people trolling the comments pages of political sites? We havent fucking noticed. [Wall Street Journal]
• Hey, Huck, we knew you didn’t like taxes but we didn’t know that you’re retarded. [Los Angeles Times]
• Hillary Clinton would like to draw your attention to her vagina. [Washington Post]
• Oh, so it turns out God is dead. [Washington Times]
• But when it comes to telling the Senate just how they’re spending they’re money, Churches answer to a higher power. [New York Times]

Alan Keyes continues to run for the president of something, and he has a new video on his internets! And a philosophizing one it is, indeed. According to Alan: If perception is reality, and reality is a “creature,” then this creature is God, reality becomes perception, and God and Jesus love each other, and Kermit the Frog is sovereign, then the Universe is a social construct made by enraged Muslim wombats. [Alan Keyes For President]

So, like, you know how Richard Roberts resigned as President of Oral Roberts University and everyone totally assumed it was about all those charges and lawsuits and whatnot? Richard “I Don’t Know When To STFU And Go Away” Roberts says, no, not so! He told the students at ORU on Wednesday that God told him on Thanksgiving to resign, just like s/he told him to deny everything and stay on in the first place. God has a plan to do “something supernatural” for the university if Roberts gets gone. Regents Chairman George Pearsons told the students “ORU is a place where love is king.” Do you think they even listen to what they’re saying? Like, ever? [Yahoo News]

In a power play that dramatically alters the Republican presidential playing field, actor/ninja Chuck Norris, most famous for his role as a karate mentor in the delightful Sidekicks, has endorsed Mike Huckabee for president. (*Much fanfare!*) The seismic announcement came in a WorldNetDaily exclusive commentary in which he lowers the boom early on: “I won’t leave you in suspense…. I believe the only one who has all of the characteristics to lead America forward into the future is ex-Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee.” After the jump: How Chuck Norris determined that Mike Huckabee isn’t a tutu-wearing Mexican pussy. MORE »

Don’t forget to tune in tomorrow when Ronald Reagan (Junior) appears on Air America’s great new Saturday show about being atheists. [Fox News]

Have you heard the good news about Jesus Christ? If you’re running for president, it’s important to say, “Oh yes, I have, and I spend basically all my time worshiping the Baby Jesus.” Never mind that your average presidential candidate has pledged his or her soul to the real god of political power, Lord Satan. But as usual, there is one “maverick” when it comes to pretending to care about Jesus, and his name is Rudy Giuliani. MORE »

28% of Americans refuse to vote for a Mormon, which poses a problem for Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Because unlike black people or New Yorkers or any number of the other groups of people who won’t vote for Mitt, most of those 28% are probably Republicans. And Mitt gets harassed about his nutty beliefs and magic pajamas by yahoos like us everywhere he goes, when he’d much, much rather talk about how none of his sons are gays and how we need to save all the stem cells from Osama bin Pelosi. MORE »

Outspoken Jesus-Christers James Dobson (Focus on the Family), Tony Perkins (Family Research Council) and Richard Viguerie (ten million emails/day to anyone who might be conservative and might have a credit card) are teaming up and combining their powers to summon their own Captain Planet, only with less saving the Earth through recycling and more bringing about Armageddon. And, uh, most importantly, not being thrice-married cross-dressing abortion-supporting Rudy Giuliani. MORE »

Dingbat diaperman David Vitter caught earmarking a hundred grand for creationist nuts. [NOLA]

Wacky Nebraska-state Senator Ernie Chambers sued God for being a terrorist, and the court in Omaha has already received two responses from two different Gods making the usual Cheney-esque claims of immunity from prosecution. [My Fox]