If you’re a Ron Paul supporter, there are many reasons not to like his congressional opponent, Chris Peden. He is young and handsome and well-regarded by the people in his district, for example. But there is one other reason not to like Chris Peden: he doesn’t have nearly the vast obstetrical experience as Texas Congressional District 14’s incumbent! MORE »

Just as his lord and savior Jesus Christ was able to feed 5,000 people by multiplying a few loaves and fishes, so will Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee be able to take votes from the 5,000 permanent residents of the wee state of Rhode Island and turn them into a massive electoral bonanza. Today Huckabee campaigns in the Ocean State, which holds many strange and puzzling parallels to several biblical locations and stories. MORE »

Here’s an underreported story about the Republican primary race: Why has God been such a lazy campaigner for his candidate, Mike Huckabee? Sure, God is busy making humans, and the weather, and American foreign policy. But God made a commitment to Mike Huckabee when He endorsed him, and He has been almost as lazy a campaigner as Fred Thompson ever since. Because of this, Huckabee’s supporters are making a last-ditch effort to drag God out onto the campaign trail this Sunday via mass worship. The Pray for Huckabee effort does not mince words: “Join us February 24, 2008 as we pray for God to make a way for Mike Huckabee to become president.” MORE »

Last night, a saddened Mike Huckabee gathered with reporters and shared the contents of some private conversations he has had recently with his ego. “My ego doesn’t enjoy getting these kind of evenings where we don’t win the primary elections,” he admitted. His ego has not enjoyed many evenings this month. MORE »

Just in time for Mike Huckabee to lose the Wisconsin primary and every other primary or caucus yet to come (except maybe Texas!), here is another “Obama girl” knockoff video featuring some gal twirling around and singing about her crush on a presidential candidate. It’s 80% dull liberal mockery of religious people and 20% awesome dinosaur riding. [YouTube]

Crazed baby-farming Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann has recruited a robot army to stand as a first line of defense between her and her increasingly disillusioned constituents. One voter writes of a chilling episode in which robots called him at home, promising to let him speak with the elusive President-groper, and then hung up on him before he got to ask his question. MORE »

You know that whole “He’s in heaven now” thing people say after somebody dies? It’s not true. Nobody’s in heaven. That’s the shocking conclusion of Bishop N.T. Wright, one of those people who actually believes in the Bible and Christianity. And you know who really pisses him off? Maria Shriver, the trophy Kennedy wife of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Shriver wrote some dumb childrens’ book claiming that “good people” go to Heaven after they die. It’s a lie! They’re all still dead. Unless they’re Jesus, apparently. MORE »

As if the news about Mitt Romney weren’t enough to break our hearts, another pillar of rectitude has decided to pack it in. It seems Pastor Ted Haggard, who only a year ago became a “complete heterosexual,” has decided to end his relationship with the “Restoration Team” that performed his magical conversion. MORE »

In case you haven’t been to a website recently, famous Australian actor Heath Ledger died Tuesday. Sucks to be him. As you may remember, Ledger played a homosexual, mute cowboy in the film Brokeback Mountain, which was groundbreaking because it depicted gay sex for the first time in world history. It seems that this *fictional* role, in which the *fictional* gay cowboy *fictionally* questioned God, has led a radical Baptist church in Kansas to protest his memorial service, which is not *fictional*. Politician Mike Huckabee is also a radical Baptist, so we’ll run with this.

According to Shirley Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, the congregation plans to protest this human being’s funeral because of his pixelated, fictional musing on sexual ambiguity:

You cannot live in defiance of God. He (Ledger) got on that big screen with a big, fat message: God is a liar and it’s OK to be gay … Heath Ledger is now in Hell, and has begun serving his eternal sentence there.

Wait wait! Hear her out, she’s cool, she’s cool:

God hates fags… The wrath of God has been revealed before the eyes of this nation with the death of Heath Ledger. … This nation worships the dead almost as much as they worship their filthy sex acts. America is doomed.

Finally, someone speaks the truth; no more of this liberal do-goodery to pat our heathen heads. Heath Ledger’s tragic death in real life only highlights the *fictional* sins of his *fictional* acting choices and the *fictional* ass-fucking involved therein.

Kansas Baptist Church Intends to Picket Heath Ledger’s Funeral Because He Played Gay Character [Fox News]

Hey look kids, Mike Huckabee called involuntary Christianity a “spiritual rape.” Thank you, Michael, for describing your would-be presidency in the most accurate two-word phrase the English language can produce. And thanks to the “United Homos” for this lovely piece of cinema. [YouTube]

FIRST HE HATED JESUS, NOW HE HATES IOWA: Christopher Hitchens notes that the “Iowa Caucus” is not democracy at all, but some long-winded social event at which a few thousand Iowans are bribed with sandwiches. [Slate]