Tag: god

Donald Trump And Hillary Clinton Tell Stories And We Grade Their Work

As we mentioned the other day, Yr Dok Zoom used to teach college English, and so to give Our Valued Readers an idea of what the job is like, we thought it would be worth evaluating a couple of...
Really a surprising number of pics of ponies reading the paper...all from one episode, sure...

Wonkagenda: Friday, September 2, 2016

You get in here and read your news brief, RIGHT NOW!

Missouri Just Wants Rape Victims To Be #Blessed With Beautiful Gift Of Forced Pregnancy

Missouri House passes Personhood Bill with no exceptions for rape victims.

This Preacher Is Pretty Sure Sex With A Snake Will Make You Homeless Or Something

Oh hello there. Were you wondering what it would look like if a rural preacher (who looks vaguely like a Dorian Gray-style painting of Dick Clark stashed in his closet for 45 years) showed up on your YouTube Teevee and...

Elizabeth Warren Doesn’t Seem To Like That Ted Cruz Boy Very Much

Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren is such a badass, but you knew that already. It's a pity she's so shy about saying what's really on her mind, though. HAHA you know that is a #joke because Liz loves going off on...
And that's how America was made!

GOP Tennessee Gov Murders The Bible In Its Crib

God got some bad news Thursday. Last week the Almighty was so excited when some of His favorite children in the Tennessee legislature voted to make the Bible the state's official book. Finally, some recognition for his 6,000 years of...
He feels just awful about all this, no more questions

Horndog Ol’ Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley Had Sex Chats With God, All Is Forgiven

a href="http://wonkette.com/600056/listen-to-alabama-governor-talk-about-touching-dirty-pillows-of-not-his-wife">Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley would like you all to just hush up now about all the sexxytimes he didn't have with his chief political advisor (and not-wife), Rebekah Caldwell Mason, because he and the LORD have talked it...

Michele Bachmann Says Brussels Attacks Were God’s Little Way Of Giving Obama A Wedgie

How grateful are we that Michele Bachmann refuses to go gently into that good night? She rages, rages, at the dying of her political career, and we are the recipients of that gift. Michele opened up her AOL Tuesday...

Your Aborted Baby Will Go To Heaven And Play Harps For Huggy Jesus

It must have been tough to make fun of televangelists on the regular back in the day. You could probably only watch three or four of them a weekend, tops, before you'd get blackout drunk or blow your brains...

Stabby Ben Carson Says Violence Is Sometimes The Answer

Everybody is giving Donald Trump SO MUCH grief right now, just because his supporters are a bunch of violent, "poorly educated" thugs who hate everybody who's smarter and less filled with trans fat and bitterness than they are. But...
And a former thug. Grr.

Ben Carson Suspends Campaign, Will Return To Private Sector Grifting

At CPAC Friday, Dr. Ben Carson formally announced that he's suspending his campaign. After he dropped out of Thursday's presidential debate last week, we knew this day was coming, but it's still sad to say goodbye to one of...

Pat Robertson Can Heal You And Drive Out Demons — Even On Tape!

Superannuated Godswallop peddler Pat Robertson has some excellent news for you: He (and God of course) can heal you even if you're watching a recording of "The 700 Club" on the DVR, or even "on tape." He didn't specify...
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort Heidi.

Ted Cruz’s Wife Libels God, Says He Looks Like Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz has one of the creepiest faces of any human ever to anchor baby hisself into America. It's that special combination of how he doesn't know how to genuinely smile -- he constantly sports the expression of a person who KNOWS...
We dunno.

God Turns His Back On Gay-Hatin’ Tennessee Lawmakers

It's a bad week for gay-bashing political types in the Tennessee legislature. They just KNEW they had an ace in the hole, a sexciting new way to ban the Supreme Court from forcing gaysexual homo-nasty into their Christian throats,...
That's probably what fucked his brain up so bad.

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore Rubbing His Judicial Wang All Over Gay Marriage Again

Alabama's Supreme Court Bubba Justice-In-Chief Roy Moore woke up on the wrong side of history again this morning. Again, oh my god yes again, and MONTHS after marriage equality became the law of the goddamned entire United States of America...
There's still hope for you, Anna.

Anna Duggar Pretty Sure Jesus Will Keep It In Josh’s Pants From Now On

The Duggars are back on television, hooray and hurrah and Christmas is ruined now. Sunday night brought the second installment of "Duggars After Dark: Bonin' On," which in science fact is called "Jill And Jessa: Counting On." And Mrs....