Tag Archives: god

  When In the Courser Of Human Events

Teabagger Fornicator Writes Million Words About Jesus, No Words About Resigning

We don't really think Rep. Gamrat is a 1940s Messican lady
Clarification: We don’t really think Rep. Gamrat is a 1940s Messican lady Hey, guys, just in case you spent your whole weekend worrying whether Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser — the teabagger who had an affair with fellow teabagging legislator Cindy Gamrat and then plotted to cover it up with a fake smear campaign against himself that he did gay sex stuff with a gay hooker — had said anything new and dumb, guess what. You’re in luck! Saturday, he posted an insufferably long Facebook post to explain that while he is in fact a despicable sinner, so are we all, and he wants to make it absolutely clear that his sin does not reflect badly on God or Jesus, for those who thought he’d made God look bad by association. Read more on Teabagger Fornicator Writes Million Words About Jesus, No Words About Resigning…
  Homeschool Math At Its Finest

God Tells Florida Pastor Unborned Babies Will Pay National Debt, So Defund Planned Parenthood

One angry man o' God
Friends, Dr. Craig Connor is one unhappy man. He is unhappy that Planned Parenthood is coming for your children and putting little baby parts up for sale on eBayBee. He told his congregation at the First Baptist Church of Panama City, Florida, that he simply cannot abide the fact that his tax dollars are going to fund something obscene and offensive that isn’t a war, so he might stop paying his taxes so that no portion of them will go to Planned Parenthood. Worst of all, he’s just discovered that “we have absolutely no choice in how our money is being spent. Friends, that offends me.” Hey, pastor, now you know what it felt like to be a liberal when the Bush administration was spending a trillion dollars on the Iraq War. Read more on God Tells Florida Pastor Unborned Babies Will Pay National Debt, So Defund Planned Parenthood…
  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

You think you're Doing Unto Others? Really, bitch?
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her cry, probably because, WE ARE GUESSING, her parents are fundamentalist Christian fucks, and she’s a young girl who hasn’t seen enough of the world to know that her parents are raising her to be a holier-than-thou dick. Not her fault. Read more on Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven…
  Sad stories

Fox News Lady Idiots Sick Of Being Tyrannied By Minorities All The Time

Boom, right?
If it is a day, you can be certain that there is a really stupid discussion happening on the Fox News network. Sometimes it is about Sharks Is Confusing, sometimes it’s about how it’s NO FAIR that some people get to say the N-word and others don’t. This time it happened on the “Outnumbered” program, and revolved around this story, of a redneck Missouri sheriff who just can’t understand why anybody would be offended by him sticking “In God We Trust” decals all over police cars, or how that’s kind of a separation of church and state issue. Read more on Fox News Lady Idiots Sick Of Being Tyrannied By Minorities All The Time…
  God is so forgetful

Pat Robertson Reminds God To Murder Supreme Court

Viewers ask the darnedest questions!
It’s time for another edition of viewer questions with Pat Robertson, which are sent by totally real viewers who exist, to Pat Robertson, so that his wisdom may be bestowed upon them. Whatcha curious about, “Eugene”? Oh, just how the Supreme Court that throatcrammed America with abortion was full of Republicans, who voted to kill all the unborned fetuses, and how did that silly forgetful Lord of ours not murder those justices and send them to hell? Read more on Pat Robertson Reminds God To Murder Supreme Court…
  All the tears

South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness

It was thiiiiis big!
The South Carolina Senate voted Tuesday to remove the Confederate Flag from the state Capitol grounds, sending the bill to the state House, and hopefully, eventually, to Gov. Nikki Haley’s desk. This is very bothersome for state Sen. Lee Bright (R-No Shit), who just doesn’t see why we’re spending all this time talking about the Confederate Flag, not when the FLAG OF GAY HOMOSEXUAL ABOMINATION is currently flying over the ENTIRETY OF AMERICA. Bright, who is Ted Cruz’s campaign co-chair for South Carolina (obviously), melted all the way down into a pile of shouty Southern fire and brimstone wingnut tears as he explained on the state Senate floor just how much God hates America now: Read more on South Carolina Senator Cries Hilarious Man-Sobs For Confederate Flag Bested By Gayness…
  At least she didn't ask for the hot beef injection

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection

Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side effects may include lightened wallets, overdraft notices, and some nasty junk in that trunk. So tuck in, pull out your credit cards, and get ready for the best that $3.99 a minute can offer! Let’s get started. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection…
  God's a great test-taker

Ben Carson Copied All God’s Answers On His College Chemistry Final

Thinking about how to protect Jewish people.
Know all that stuff about how presidential candidate Ben Carson is the Best Neurosurgeon Ever, and how he did the first successful operation to separate twins conjoined at the head? Well, he never would have done that if he hadn’t cheated OFF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS during one of his chemistry finals. Oh yeah. He’s that kinda guy. Carson admitted all of this at the National Day Of Prayer gathering Thursday, regaling the crowd with a tale about how, when he was at Yale, he thought he was “pretty hot stuff,” but then everything went wrong with this one chemistry final: Read more on Ben Carson Copied All God’s Answers On His College Chemistry Final…
  see you in court bitch

Totally Normal Nebraska Lady Would Like To See ALL GAYS In Court Right Now!

Yep, totally guilty of gayness. Not sorry.
Oh, our litigious society! Here is a lady you will want to get to know very well, named Sylvia Driskell, resident of Auburn, Nebraska, and if you are a gay homosexual, she’s gonna need you to appear in court and answer to her charges against you, because she has filed a federal lawsuit against ALL GAYS. She was probably sitting at the dinner table with her family and bitching about all ‘dem lezbo-fags for the eleventy-millionth time, when one of her weary family members was like “Well, why doncha make a federal case out of it, SYLVIA?” And she replied, “OKAY I WILL!” Read more on Totally Normal Nebraska Lady Would Like To See ALL GAYS In Court Right Now!…
  This will be just great

Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Colorado state Rep. Gordon “disgraced former Navy chaplain” Klingenschmitt, who is one of yr Wonkette’s favorites, has been in the Colorado House for a whole five minutes or so, and in that time he’s made a mark! Most recently, he was in the news because he went on his Funtime Afternoon Jesus Video Program and said that a truly gruesome attack on a pregnant woman happened because God hates ‘bortion so much, so he, in his infinite omniscient wisdom, sure showed that bitch! Read more on Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate…
  Are We Having Funds Yet?

How Much Money Will God And Liberals Send To Maine Family Planning Group?

That's Why I Love Mankind
Looks like the Culture Wars have spilled over from food fights to competing claims of divine intervention in fundraising campaigns. With the Great Indiana Gay Pizza Crisis (please give generously) finally at an end — or at least the GoFundMe page no longer taking contributions — there’s now an attempt to get Big Gay-Hating monees for the Washington florist who had to pay a $1000 fine for refusing to do the flowers for a same-sex wedding. That one is currently at $127,000, a pretty good return on a fine. Read more on How Much Money Will God And Liberals Send To Maine Family Planning Group?…
  They are just saying that's all

Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!

The newest hysterical entry into the “who can wig out the best over gay marriage?” contest comes from the Knoxville Baptist Tabernacle Church in Knoxville, Tennessee, who decided to use their church sign to remind everyone that this whole fight for “equal rights” is nothing new. In fact, Satan himself debuted the concept, when he wanted equality with God, or something like that, we are pretty sure none of this is in the Bible: Read more on Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!…
  A Personal Relationship With The Lord

Scott Walker Refuses To Provide Transcripts Of Conversations With Nonexistent God

Ayyyyyyyy, this guy!
And so it came to pass that the Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF) submitted a lulzy public records request to the office of Christianist Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. What, FFRF asked, was the substance of the Governor’s conversations with one Jesus H. Christ, formerly of Nazareth? Read more on Scott Walker Refuses To Provide Transcripts Of Conversations With Nonexistent God…
  And he'll lose there too

Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God

America’s most esteemed jurist, Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, is not giving up his fight to save Alabama from the hordes of gays currently destroying the state by having equal marriage rights. Even though a terrible federal judge named Callie V.S. Granade (sounds like GRENADE because she GRENADED opposite marriage) not only ruled Alabama’s marriage amendment unconstitutional, but also had the audacity to order probate judges to actually DO WHAT SHE SAID, and even though the Supreme Court was okay with all of this, Roy Moore wants everybody to know that he will be forced to defy a Supreme Court ruling in favor of gayness, because “organic law” and Jesus: Read more on Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God…
  Read The Return Policy Very Carefully

Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank.

These foreign pictures just don't appeal much to us. Too many subtitles.
In a real estate deal of questionable legality, the City Council of Winfield, Alabama, recently passed a resolution declaring that Winfield is a “City Under God,” a necessary step because, as Mayor Randy Price said, the state and country are in “an awful condition.” The Marion County Journal Record expressed its approval in an editorial — it’s behind a paywall, but Hemant Mehta helpfully provides a screenshot: Read more on Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank….