Tag Archives: god

  A Personal Relationship With The Lord

Scott Walker Refuses To Provide Transcripts Of Conversations With Nonexistent God

Ayyyyyyyy, this guy!
And so it came to pass that the Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF) submitted a lulzy public records request to the office of Christianist Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. What, FFRF asked, was the substance of the Governor’s conversations with one Jesus H. Christ, formerly of Nazareth? Read more on Scott Walker Refuses To Provide Transcripts Of Conversations With Nonexistent God…
  And he'll lose there too

Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God

America’s most esteemed jurist, Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore, is not giving up his fight to save Alabama from the hordes of gays currently destroying the state by having equal marriage rights. Even though a terrible federal judge named Callie V.S. Granade (sounds like GRENADE because she GRENADED opposite marriage) not only ruled Alabama’s marriage amendment unconstitutional, but also had the audacity to order probate judges to actually DO WHAT SHE SAID, and even though the Supreme Court was okay with all of this, Roy Moore wants everybody to know that he will be forced to defy a Supreme Court ruling in favor of gayness, because “organic law” and Jesus: Read more on Alabama’s Roy Moore Will Appeal SCOTUS Marriage Ruling Directly To God…
  Read The Return Policy Very Carefully

Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank.

These foreign pictures just don't appeal much to us. Too many subtitles.
In a real estate deal of questionable legality, the City Council of Winfield, Alabama, recently passed a resolution declaring that Winfield is a “City Under God,” a necessary step because, as Mayor Randy Price said, the state and country are in “an awful condition.” The Marion County Journal Record expressed its approval in an editorial — it’s behind a paywall, but Hemant Mehta helpfully provides a screenshot: Read more on Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank….
  Look Back In Angerbear

WND Spills Blood, Tears, Jizz In Exit Interview With Michele Bachmann

When in doubt, use this picture
Now that Michele Bachmann has said a God-filled farewell to the House of Representatives, she’s also doing a valedictory tour of rightwing media, or at least WorldNetDaily. It is titled — we swear we are not making this up — “GOP Legend Quits Congress With Message For America,” which is pretty loose usage if you ask us. Myth, yes, legend, not hardly. Read more on WND Spills Blood, Tears, Jizz In Exit Interview With Michele Bachmann…
  same as it ever was

Bobby Jindal Sorry God Had To Punish Gays With All Those Tornadoes

Which Bobby is he today?
Louisiana Gov. and would-be Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal is getting ready for a great big prayer rally in January, featuring a whole bunch of top-flight fundagelicals who also showed up at Rick Perry’s major Pray-a-Palooza in 2011. Among the Fun Dementalists attending will be anti-gay activist David Lane and Doug Stringer, who organized Rick Perry’s event a few years back. (Right Wing Watch points out that Mr. Stringer likes to call himself an “apostle” and once explained that God did 9/11 because America stopped believing in Him.) Read more on Bobby Jindal Sorry God Had To Punish Gays With All Those Tornadoes…
  Also Did We Mention God? She's Big On God

In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God

Here's the story, of a crazy lady, who was talking to a devil to her right ...
Michele Bachmann gave her farewell address to the House of Representatives Tuesday, and while we were worried that she might just stand up and announce that all her email should be forwarded to Shelly@CrazyEyes.com, she actually did deliver a thoroughly Bachmannian speech. It hits all the required notes: Freedom, In God We Trust, Why the House is the Best House, plus several extra helpings of God stuff just to be sure. Read more on In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God…
  Hot Time In The Old Hemisphere Tonight

Colorado Gov Candidate: When Would God Ever Allow The Seas To Rise And The Earth To Flood?

We need Gary Larson again, don't we?
Republican candidate for Governor of Colorado Bob Beauprez isn’t too worried about this “global warming” stuff because the Earth can take care of itself, with a little help from God probably. In a debate Tuesday with incumbent Democratic Gov. John Hickenlooper, Beauprez said that it’s nice that we’re fighting pollution and even CO2 emissions, but we don’t need to do anything drastic because God’s totally got this one: Read more on Colorado Gov Candidate: When Would God Ever Allow The Seas To Rise And The Earth To Flood?…
  how long can this go on?

Alabama Republican: When God Gives You Coal, You Have To Light It On Fire

You won’t be surprised to learn that here at Wonkette, we generally do not believe in signs and portents from God. God doesn’t arrange things so that our favorite team could win the Super Bowl. God for sure isn’t making us rich, because fuck we are not rich. This belief system, or lack thereof, brings us into direct conflict with the commissioner-elect of Alabama’s Public Service Commission, who is pretty sure that God gave ‘Bama coal, and that’s why ‘Bama has to use it. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, coal’s gotta burn. Read more on Alabama Republican: When God Gives You Coal, You Have To Light It On Fire…
  paredolia it'll troll ya

The Aubergine Testament: God Sends Special Eggplant Message To Louisiana Restaurant

In what is being hailed as a miracle, at least in teevee news copy, God sent a special message to a restaurant employee in the form of His name, in English, spelled out in the seeds of an eggplant. Here’s the breathless news of the miraculous apparition at Gino’s Restaurant in Baton Rouge: Chef Jermarcus Brady couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “I saw a miraculous image formed by the seeds,” said Jermarcus Brady. “It spelled out the word God!” Chef Brady has many responsibilities, one being cutting, salting and sauteing eggplants. “When you sliced into it, the pattern showed from the seeds that were forming in the inside the letters G-O-D as God,” said Brady. “I couldn’t think of anything. I just had to tell somebody to come look at it.” And the story goes on, at length, about how inspirational this is. Read more on The Aubergine Testament: God Sends Special Eggplant Message To Louisiana Restaurant…
  claptrap

Take Ben Stein’s Money

Why is Ben Stein still talking? Who is unironically listening to Ben Stein? Who hears anything but “Bueller? Bueller?” come out of the man’s facehole every time he talks? These are the questions we ask ourselves late at night. So, what is Big Ben on about today? The poors, of course! The poors who are lazy and drunken and slovenly and ungodly and there was probably something in there about bootstraps but we stopped listening. Read more on Take Ben Stein’s Money…
  what would vengeful god do?

Modern Technology For Your Vengeful God

As a Bible-believing Christian, you’re no stranger to outrage. Only now you’re outraged at yourself. It started with that excellent Arizona bill to protect Godly businesses from gay sinners. You found out about that from the Huffington Post. The Huffington Post, for the admiration of Moses! (Why were you even looking at the Huffington Post? You will remember to discuss this with your Pastor.) Then, bam! Before you could say “amen,” that nice lady Jan Brewer vetoes the thing! You could hardly believe it! That shook you, but now comes the final straw. A bill protecting people who rebel against God’s gender choices has cleared the Maryland State Senate and is full steam ahead for passage. Where did this come from, besides Satan? How are you supposed to write righteous letters and call legislative offices and yell at everyone righteously if you’re as blind as that guy in the Bible who was blind until Jesus healed him? But then! Like a push notification from God, it comes to you: TrackBill. There is probably something called TrackBill that you can use to keep on top of this stuff. So you check, and yes there is, and it’s called TrackBill! Read more on Modern Technology For Your Vengeful God…
  bless their hearts

Kentucky Churches Giving Away Guns, Letting Jesus Sort ‘Em Out

It seems like a pretty sweet deal: Accept Jesus Christ as your savior and when you die, you’ll go to Heaven, which we’ve heard is just heavenly. But some people are canny, you know? They’re looking for that little extra sweetener before they sign away their souls. Well, the Kentucky Baptist Convention has got these savvy salvation seekers covered. In an effort its spokesman has described as “outreach to rednecks,” the Kentucky Baptist Convention is leading “Second Amendment Celebrations,” where churches around the state give away guns as door prizes to lure in the unchurched in hopes of converting them to Christ. Eternal life in the Kingdom of your Creator? You can lock that in. A chance to win a deadly weapon? You bank that. And if you’re still on that fence, how’s a steak dinner sound? Read more on Kentucky Churches Giving Away Guns, Letting Jesus Sort ‘Em Out…
  'government for the people' sounds socialist too

Time Traveling Obama Made Lincoln Remove ‘Under God’ From First Draft Of Gettysburg Address, Also Didn’t Even Kill Hitler

Did you hear about the latest outrage perpetrated by Barack Hussein Obama? It’s bad enough that he’s insulted the memory of the Noble Dead of Gettysburg by not attending the 150th anniversary of Lincoln’s dedication of the cemetery there. (Headline if he had attended: “Imperial Hubris: Barack Obama tries to resurrect image by upstaging Lincoln commemoration.”) But now he’s gone and deliberately removed God from his snippet of the address! Dead Breitbart’s Home for Perpetual Fuming is just one of many wingnut outlets complaining about this deliberate slight to the Almighty in documentary filmmaker Ken Burns’ montage of news and political people reading the speech. After the butthurt from the usual crowd, Burns updated his website with a note saying “Did you know there are five versions of the Gettysburg Address? We asked President Obama to read the first, the Nicolay Version.” That draft, which is in the Library of Congress, didn’t include the words “under God” at the end of the speech. Or so the Gettysburg Foundation would have us believe! Read more on Time Traveling Obama Made Lincoln Remove ‘Under God’ From First Draft Of Gettysburg Address, Also Didn’t Even Kill Hitler…
  Repent for the kindgom of Hillary is at hand

Michele Bachmann Prays God Will Stop Hillary, Also Make News Slower So She Can Keep Up

Sure, Republicans, try to stop Hillary Clinton from landsliding straight into the White House in 2016 with your BENGHAZIIIII!1 investimagations if you think that’ll help (psst, it won’t), but Rep. Michele Bachmann, who is on the House Intelligence Committee because God enjoys irony, has studied the Bible, which is sort of like God’s FiveThirtyEight, and she has a much better idea: If we repent, if we cry out to God, we have no idea what the Lord God will do for us in 2016. Ah, well, we may have no idea what God comma The Lord will do, but Michele knows how to read between the lines, and she’s pretty sure the in-between parts say He will not let Hillary become the president of us: I don’t [worry] at all because I look at the story of David and Goliath, all David needed was one smooth stone to fell the giant. It wasn’t the stone, it wasn’t David, it was the strong right arm of a Holy God. Of course, Michele might be confused because what with all the Stuff That Happens In The World, it is hard to keep up: Read more on Michele Bachmann Prays God Will Stop Hillary, Also Make News Slower So She Can Keep Up…
  could have a pretty good weekend in vegas with all that stuff

Radio Wingnuts: Colorado Now Just A Hellish Big Gay Pot Orgy Like North Korea

We briefly mentioned, a little while back, a couple of Christianist radio guys in Colorado Springs who were convinced that the state was being plagued with wildfires not because of a drought and a heatwave, but because God Almighty was angry with the state, where women sometimes wear pants and the legislature passed a civil union law (same sex marriages remain banned under a 2006 constitutional amendment). Well, Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner are back, and this week they’re melting down a little more, proclaiming Colorado “more tyrannical than communist China and maybe even North Korea.” Not because of women in pants, but because… well, really everything, man, the abortion and the gheys and the gun control and the Mary Jane, just all of it. Dudes just need to smoke a joint and chill out. Swanson — who you may recall is the science genius who thinks the Pill leaves tiny dead babies in women’s wombs — is quite certain where this is all headed: Colorado is destined to become “the worst possible hellhole on planet earth.” He briefly summarizes what he calls “the vision of the Democrats.” Read more on Radio Wingnuts: Colorado Now Just A Hellish Big Gay Pot Orgy Like North Korea…
  Exeunt Exodus

Super Nice Time! Pray-Away-The-Gay Group Exodus International Admits They Were Jerks, Are Very Sorry, Will Close!

There’s not much to say about this except HOLY SHIT! YES! WOW! WOOOO! THIS IS AMAZING! WE ARE CRYING A LITTLE! No, Joe Biden is not sexting us, it’s BETTER! Exodus International, an organization founded to “help” LGBT people not be gay anymore because Jesus, will now cease to exist. And it’s not because they lost their lease, or got shut down for being horrible; no, their president, Alan Chambers, has just outright said (paraphrasing), “We were wrong, we’re hurting people, Jesus said love everybody, we are really sorry, bye now!” Reading Chambers’s personal statement actually made yr Wonkette wonder if it was a little dusty in here, which is something that hasn’t happened since the end of the movie Armageddon, when Bruce Willis sacrifices himself to save…we can’t, sorry, just read this excerpt from Chambers’ actually-an-apology-apology: Read more on Super Nice Time! Pray-Away-The-Gay Group Exodus International Admits They Were Jerks, Are Very Sorry, Will Close!…
  blessed are the dumb as fuck

Pat Robertson Celebrates The Beautiful Miracle Of Not Knowing Stuff

You may have wondered, as did a caller to Pat Robertson’s 700 Club teevee show yesterday, why God just doesn’t seem to fling miracles at people in U.S. America the way He did in biblical times, or even the way He reputedly does in the Third World today. Robertson explained, with that smile of his that makes any sane person hide their wallet, that God just doesn’t bless fancy-pants smart people with their fancy book-larnin’ and such. Read more on Pat Robertson Celebrates The Beautiful Miracle Of Not Knowing Stuff…
  jesus god and paul: all dead

Washington Post Does War On Easter Because It Hates Jesus, God

Why does the Washington Post #WAR on Easter every year? Why does it forget that Jesus Is the Reason for the Season? We bet they even call it “spring break,” like a bunch of fucking pagan Wiccan lesbian abortionists, instead of Jesus Died For Your Sins And On The Third Day He Rose Again Vacation. Well, once again the “wits” at WaPo are mocking not only Jesus, with their stupid “Peep” shows, but also the military, God, the Pope, and America itself. Let’s steal some pictures! Read more on Washington Post Does War On Easter Because It Hates Jesus, God…
  he's sorry if any of you crazy bitches took offense

On Behalf Of Fellow Women Everywhere, John McCain Accepts Richard Mourdock’s Rapebortion ‘Apology’

Richard Mourdock has “apologized” (no he hasn’t) for saying rape is Jesus’s special way of giving you something productive to do for the next 18 years instead of whoring around on Saturday nights like common trollops, and on behalf of us all, John McCain has graciously accepted his “apology”! So it’s cool you guys, John McCain says it’s cool. Ladies, put down your bras and pitchforks and go back to crowing over the corpse of your mortal enemy CNN. But is there anything … odd … about this “apology” and McCain’s acceptance of it on behalf of us all? Well why on earth would you think that? Read more on On Behalf Of Fellow Women Everywhere, John McCain Accepts Richard Mourdock’s Rapebortion ‘Apology’…
  thou shalt not publish thy editor's wife

Washington Post’s Sally Quinn Does Magick, Knows God Loves Mitt Romney

Vapid publisher’s spouse and party-planning expert Sally Quinn has heaved up another of her insightful “On Faith” columns. This is a person who has in the past used her column to explore the spiritual dilemmas involved in choosing a Dancing With the Stars victor; explaining that 50 Shades of Grey actually reflects a “religious phenomenon” (holy fuck!); oh, and by the way, no big deal, told a panel this week that she is a witch (we can hardly wait to see what the Maine GOP thinks of that!). So we were not expecting Deep Thought; but this time she’s gone especially shallow: When Mitt Romney mentioned the “Creator” in the debate Wednesday, he owned it. “We’re all children of the same God,” he said. That’s about 85 percent of the country he was talking to. That should have been President Obama’s constituency but he let Romney have it as he let Romney have the debate. We were not aware that it was actually possible to call dibs on The Almighty, but Mitt apparently did indeed own that round, and Obama compounded his error by missing the chance to call “shotgun.” Read more on Washington Post’s Sally Quinn Does Magick, Knows God Loves Mitt Romney…
  vengeance is mine sayeth the lord

God Due To ‘Stand His Ground’ Against Tampa’s Republican Convention, With Hurricane Maybe

Everybody panic! Some dude at Examiner.com looked at a bunch of funny gifs of a maybe-hurricane and decided it might hit Tampa (and your Editrix!) just in time for the RNC! Where will we shelter from the possible storm? Probably a titty bar. But far more important than whether or not we (by which we mean “I”) are murdered by the vengeful weather is what could have angered the deity to call down this Old Testament (it is even named Isaac, we think?) smiting: Read more on God Due To ‘Stand His Ground’ Against Tampa’s Republican Convention, With Hurricane Maybe…
  god is in his heaven

How Many Stupid, Stupid Lawmakers Do We Have in Congress, Imperiling Very Existence of Life on Earth?

Exactly how many stupid, stupid people do we have in Congress these days, toiling away in the world’s most deliberative lawmaking body, making decisions that will probably imperil the very survival of the human race? And of these stupid, stupid people, how many are willing to talk to reporters and make good and sure that there is a RECORD of their stupidity for posterity? Turns out, quite a few! Read more on How Many Stupid, Stupid Lawmakers Do We Have in Congress, Imperiling Very Existence of Life on Earth?…